I Don’t Even Know Why I’m Still Doing This, I Feel Like I Will Neve Rbe Able To Share Anything Deep

I woke up with a horrible neck pain and whatever I do, it doesn’t help. I don’t like to be reminded that I’m not 20 anymore in this way. I feel very numb again, this happens when I think too much about certain stuff. I would never think that the most difficult thing to teach myself will be not thinking deeply.

I had a job interview though and I did pretty good under these conditions. I know I will do good once people listen to me. But it is not common to find people who are willing to hear you. Some act like they do but they just fit you into their own judgements anyway. Such an arrogance…

Weather is okay, sky is bright, sun is shining… This is what we need in the cursed north. Thank you sky god.

credit

Mood.

Shit weather. Half of the year is a dark hell then spring comes and you feel like a beggar to see some sunlight. I don’t even know why I’m doing this to myself. I actually do know but anyway. I want to go out, scream and swear at everything that led me here to experience this shitty weather right now. But I don’t… Why?? Because we all need to act sane.

first post

I’ve always kept my guard up, even with the people closest to me. Vulnerability has never felt safe, but I’m trying to change that.

This blog is me learning to share my thoughts and moments without the filters. I would like to get the feeling of being me like I am in my own head. It’s anonymous, messy, real... just pieces of me.

I'm not here to impress or inspire anyone. I'm sharing whatever’s in my head. Maybe someone relates, maybe someone judges... Either way, it’s out now. So… yeah, welcome.

Sun

Sunlight makes me so happy even on a cold day yet I choose to live in a country with long and dark winters. I already accepted that I won’t get everything I like in the same package anyway.

I tried to think about my cognitive empathy today. What’s the reason of it, worst effects of it on me and how to solve those problems… I felt like my mind is fighting with me and throws everything on me to distract my mind. After a hour long of walk and occasional sittings on a park bench, I gave up and came back home. Gonna try again tomorrow though.

I don’t know what these kind of socks called in English, but aren’t they so sweet? My ex’s grandmother made them for me. I love these kind of gifts, they are priceless! Let me know what they are called please if anyone reads this knows.

Start

I was thinking of writing these in the evening before I sleep but I'm not gonna stay at home tonight so I post this a bit earlier than planned. I will find the most suitable way as I keep doing this I guess.

It's been pretty hectic lately but I will share that later on with a more clear mind.

I'm having a great day so far. Sun is shining. Even though it's cold and windy, I enjoyed my walk around the stables in my neighborhood. Hopefully it is gonna be a great night at my friend's place, would be a good ending for this day.

"friend"... Not actually a friend but I will tell about her later. Give me some time, I haven't warmed up to this new sharing thing yet.

After everything I write, tens of thoughts pop up in my mind and I can't write about all of them. But this is my usual state, it's a circus full of freaks in my head at most times. I wish it will calm down as I spit out some of the thoughts on here. Doing this seems like even a better idea than I thought at the begining and will serve more than only one purpose. We'll see...

I gave myself a high five and ending this here now. Nothing much yet but I started writing and it's a big enough step for me on the first day.

—Fyodor Dostoevsky