My Heart Is A Ripe Fruit Rotting In My Chest

you don’t need perfect conditions to start. you just need to start. five minutes of focus is better than waiting for motivation to come.

Ken Shiozaki (Japanese, 1972) - Cerberus (2024)

You’re responsible for your own development. You don’t have to wait until others forgive or validate you. You don’t have to hold yourself to an impossible standard to ‘prove’ that you’re a better person. All you have to do is decide that you are and back that up with actions, because what truly makes you a good person is the fact that you care about being one. Not others telling you that you are.

it's so weird re-reading this two years later. i remember that time and i remember how stressed and anxious about it all i was. i remember thinking i might fail and how scared i was of disappointing everyone but first and foremost myself, but now that i know how this year was going to go for me i realize how silly it was of me to be this scared. of course at the time it wasn't silly and those feelings were absolutely valid but in retrospect, oh how i hurt myself stressing myself out and doubting myself so much. i wish i could tell 2021 me that everything was going to be alright and that i should trust myself more.

but maybe i can still say that to myself. maybe i can use this experience to help me trust myself more today. come back to this when in doubt. 🩶

09.12.2021 (i'm belgian so i use the dd.mm.yyyy date format)

i couldn't possibly tell you how happy and grateful i am right now that my first little post could attract so many responses. never in a million years could i have imagined that people would like it that much and i didn't expect it to gain more than 10 notes and here we are almost a month later (i'm sorry) and it has gathered almost 70x that amount. i am so grateful to each and one of you for interacting with this post and giving me the confidence to continue posting on this account.

i hope that in the future i can continue to create content that you guys will like and that will have a positive impact on others, know that i will try my best to post interesting things and helpful posts.

today i'm studying at the library again. i'm working on my literary analysis class because my exam is next week and i am terrified i will fail and that for various reasons.

the first of them is that this year is extremely important for me as i have failed my 3rd year of BA this september and i am currently retaking it having changed my minor from musicology to english, which means i cannot afford to fail this year again. besides in the past i've usually got very good grades in my english classes and thus my parents are expecting a lot from me this year as all my classes are english classes. finally, as i have to take both 1st year and 2d year classes in the same year some things are harder for me as i don't have the necessary knowledge the second year classes are build upon and my literature TA kindly agreed to share with me the course's slides before everyone else so i could work in advance, therefore i'm worried i'll fail and disappoint him given that he has been so kind to me this semester and made exceptions to his rules to help me with the class, i want to show him it was worth it and he was right to trust me.

all in all i am worried i'll fall short of all these people's expectations. i try to stay confident and give my best in my studying but that lingering feeling of inadequacy is never far away hidden in some dark corner of my mind.

my advice to myself and to all of the people reading this that are feeling the same things, is to try and remember that these are just feelings and not facts and that we are stronger than the mean anxious voice in our minds. let's continue to work hard (without overexerting ourselves) to prove to ourselves first and foremost that we are capable of doing this and that we're great no matter what, that academic success is not all that matters and that we have many other qualities that define us way better than our ability to regurgitate knowledge in an exam, in conditions that are not those of real life. 🤎

get out of the house. visit museums. go to open air festivals. go to concerts. meet new people in the park. use apps to meet people with common interests. try new things, try hot yoga. try pilates. try rock climbing, try a new gym, a new trainer. attend a public event, a yoga class, aerobics class, join a book club. get a professional massage, have a full day of spa activities. read a life changing book on selfcare, mental health and wellness and implement it daily. make new friends that you actually hang out with physically, frequently, that you have lunch dates with, coffee dates with, sleepovers, that you heal and laugh and grow with day by day, friends that are friends in every sense of the word. be open to opportunities every day for anything that brings you joy and sunlight and adventure. life is meant to be lived, tasted, experimented, savored to the last maddening drop. life is not a neat little checklist put away on your shelf for when you feel ready to tackle them. life is here. life is right here right now. what are you waiting for, a magical tomorrow to give you permission to live the life you want? you already have permission, all you have to do is decide it. it's in your hands. now, in 10 years, in 30 years, in 50, the choice is yours. the only thing standing in the way of that reality and the current one... is your actions.

15.05.22 // Lumen's diary

can we collectively agree to not come study as a couple at the library? or at the very least not to be all over each other snuggling and talking and kissing (which by definition implies to take your mask off) if you are a couple??? some of us want to be able to study without having to bear with your disgusting pda and your giggles.

thx for coming to my tedtalk.

If you see this on your dashboard, reblog this, NO MATTER WHAT and all your dreams and wishes will come true.

academic victim era

"fuck it we ball" is for stress about the future "it is what it is" is for stress about the past and "this too shall pass" is for stress about the present thank you for coming to my TED talk