Hi There,

What if we shot cans side-by-side while i gazed at you longingly ?

With all the love i have for you -which is none- i hate you

at the point of social media-lessness that i have the main ones but i don't even think about them. facebook? don't look at her. instagram? only open it for my moms business IG. tiktok? haven't opened that in 2 weeks or better.

but Tumblr? daily, love her, she is my greeter in the morning and my departure at night, a soul bond if you will

you can only adopt 1

CRUEL EDITION

Peaky Blinders 4.06 - “The Company”

Gordon Hanson by George Platt Lynes, 1954

spoke deeply to me.

There are about 4 million things i want to complain about, but honestly, what's the point, yeah? What is the actual point when there's no possible way to fix any of it without making everything else worse.

(edit cause yeah that was too dramatic to long post without a cut)

I'm too young to be wanting to give up already and i know that but never in my life was i given the opportunity to develop the right skills to succeed in life, never, i was homeschooled, i didn't get to do sports, i grew up poor, i didn't get to have real hobbies that amounted to anything, i was never taken seriously for struggling with school and all the subjects, i was so late in learning how to read it should have been incredibly concerning, i would have meltdowns and then be locked in a room with all the reading books alone for god knows how long, every single school year i would have meltdowns because i knew i wasn't able to do most of it, every math lesson my head was completely empty and i had to just guess because all of it looked the same and none of it made sense, i couldn't write a 50 word "creative writing" page because nothing happened in my head, none of the topics made sense, none of the words came out right, sure i did fine in history and geography but that was just remembering a few key names and picking the most likely answers, don't ask me anything about science because i don't know and i wasn't ever taught in a way that made sense, just yelled at and yelled at and yelled at because I'm supposed to be smart I'm supposed to know this stuff i saw it be done so why can't you do it it's easy. I was exhausted everyday, i had dark circles under my eyes at 6 years old that most adults wouldn't have, I'm still always so fucking tired, i would sleep for 14 hours straight and still be so tired it was a struggle to stay awake. Why was i never seen by some doctor? There were clear signs of other shit too, shit that shouldn't have ever happened to a 6 year old but since i was always always always praised for being quiet, i kept quiet about everything, i didn't talk to anyone outside, i didn't make friends, i didn't ask for things, i couldn't ask for help from anyone. At 10, i started to seriously contemplate offing myself, and still, it's there all the time, but who do i talk to? The person that doesn't know anything about me or the person that would tell me i have no reason to feel that way? Maybe the person that was raised in the same house as me but never had my struggles, so everything was okayish? I'm tired. I want to stop thinking for just a few minutes out of the day but it never stops it never shuts up and i can't let anything out because who the fuck cares. If you're not bleeding out, then there's no reason to see a doctor. Maybe it should have been a sign when i was forgetting everything by the age of 16, maybe. Maybe it should have been a sign when i would follow a certain person around like a dog because he was the only one to show me one on one attention, but nonono, he was safe, right? He was supposed to be safe, not touch a child. But he had his own issues, so it was good to see him be calm with me and be nice with me and smile with me. He wasn't supposed to shape my life view of intimacy and sex at 6 years old. Everything was fine. Im so fucking tired and weak and scared.