Lately I’ve Seen Posts About [the Lie] Of Deku Not knowing What Triggered The Awakening Of Black Whip.

A Being of Grand Design

I wear a dress made of stars, galaxies swirling along the bodice, nebulae lining the fringe. i am made of every life ever lived and every soul that ever will be. 

My skin is covered in words. Every poem, every novel, every classic i’ve ever read. Words melding together and covering my skin in ink. 50 thousand fonts and letters melding together in a grotesque mockery of a tattoo. My favorites excerpts are printed in bloody red.

Every breath I breath in is made of stories. Novels, plays, movies, ballet, tv shows, opera, music, art. It fills my veins and fuels my body. Carrying thoughts and dreams as they make my muscles move.

My hair is thousands of memories strung together. Ever moment filled with emotion. Sadness drowns me as Rage burns bright. Love floats me to the highest clouds as happiness brings me down to earth where I can dig my toes in fresh soil.

Seas of tears fill my eyes. Every one I’ve ever shed and every one I haven’t. Just because something isn’t real doesn’t mean I can’t scream for it. Tear filled wails shake my body as I sob for lives never lived and souls reaped to soon. Dreams drown as I cry for every person alive and those already in the grave and those who will be and those only found within stories.

My heart pumps ink through my veins. Never replacing blood  but trying to take a humanity to whom it’s claim had always been staked. The ghostly hands of authors long dead and characters fated to be, caress my bones as I crawl to my grave of pages.

I start as a film reel replaces my brain. Love and Loss and Pain and Worship not mine control me like a marionette. Every emotion from this earth and beyond dig their claws into the inside of my skull as ideas framed as people recite lines lost to time.

I cut my arms open with a sharp shard of glass. I spill blood red as dusk as I don every bad thought, every bad day , every tragedy and heartbreak, every scream and fear fraught day my family has ever had. I soak them in my ink streaked blood and make every familial woe mine. I wear boots made of death and tights of betrayal. My shawl is of fear and my belt made of financial doubt. I wear a headband of hate and bangles of loss as prejudice is smeared around my lips like lipstick.

They ask me what it’s like to be a writer.

I say it’s like turning yourself into fates marionette as you become Frankenstein’s monster.

Why do we love Snape, or the character who was unkindly written

Claire Jordan in one of her Quora essays said that she’s been in fandom for decades and has never seen a character so loved as Snape. I concur. Excluding some recent trends that purposefully misinterpret Snape by projecting onto him a set of stereotypes he was never supposed to embody, Snape remains one of the most loved characters in the Harry Potter universe. Every poll on Harry Potter’s favourite characters confirm that Snape is always on the top 3, sometimes reaching first place.

This is not some “bad boy syndrome”. There are two main reasons for readers to have latched onto Snape so furiously, for Snape to have been so ardently discussed and defended after HBP – and these feelings only intensified after the 7th book. The reasons, I would posit, are:

1.      Snape is a character that the narrative portrays as ambiguous.

2.      Despite this, the narrative is often, objectively, unfair to Snape especially in favour of other characters.

Let’s address the first point. Snape is ambiguous because he has to be. There are two big plot-twists in Harry Potter: Harry is a horcrux and Snape’s loyalties. These two end up closely connected because it is through the knowledge of Snape’s loyalties that Harry discovers he must die to kill the part of Voldemort that is inside him. Snape is therefore largely written as a suspect in a murder mystery. Several commentators have argued that the structure of a Harry Potter book resembles a crime novel, and I agree. Snape has to appear guilty, but the books have to give enough clues to the reader as to his true loyalties. Independently of authorial intent, this is what makes Snape so compelling. Because:

a.      Snape is cruel to his students but he constantly protects them (Harry, Draco, Katie Bell, Luna and Hermione, Neville and Ginny).

b.      Snape is described as ugly but his use of language is the most sophisticated of the series to the point it becomes sensual. Just consider his first speech in class about the beauty of potions and how they “ensnare the senses” and “bewitch the mind”.

c.      Snape is mean and petty but these characteristics are often accompanied by sarcasm and irony which make some of his most awful comments quite funny, such as him telling Crabbe not to suffocate Neville because he would have to mention it in a reference letter if ever Crabbe applied to a job. There is also a lot of incongruent humour in play with Snape. For example, him reading about Harry’s love life is hilarious because Snape and teenage drama are two irreconcilable dimensions.

d.      Snape is cruel and bullying but the narrative offers several reasons for this. While Dumbledore’s past is revealed mostly through conversation, Snape’s past is slowly revealed in images which makes it much more vivid. Snape getting a glimpse of a werewolf at the end of a tunnel. Snape’s father yelling at his cowering mother. Snape upside down and petrified by Sirius and James. Petunia calling him “an awful boy”. More than any other character, Snape is rooted in a social context that brings with it inescapable references: poverty, domestic abuse, neglect, bullying.

e.      Snape is often ridiculed (by Neville’s Boggart and by the map) but he is also given the title of “Prince”, a character with whom Harry sympathizes. He is also one of the characters who carries a sword, and whose love is presented as “the best part” of him. These are characteristics that ennoble Snape.

f.       Snape is dismissive of people’s feelings but he is also the character who is defending children because of their mothers. Lily because of his guilt, and Narcissa whom he allows to trap him in an unbreakable vow to protect her son.  

g.      Snape is taken as evil but the character whom the narrator uses as a morality mouthpiece – Hermione – often defends him.

h.      Snape kills a man but the narrative is quick to add that his soul would likely remain intact as it would be an act of mercy, arranged between the victim and the perpetrator as Harry reinforces. Harry goes as far saying that Snape “finished him” instead of using the verb kill or murder. Furthermore, we know remorse is something that mends the soul and Snape’s whole arc is about guilt and remorse – immortalized in the scene where Snape weeps at 13 Grimmauld Palace.

i.       Snape is apparently a murderer but the narrative goes to some lengths to show that just like Harry Snape has a thing for saving people. “Lately, only those I could not save” and him risking his cover to save Lupin.

j.       Snape’s trauma is often discredited but the narrative allows part of his tragedy to come at the expense of the hero’s father whom Harry spent years admiring. A relevant part of James’s goodness is sacrificed in favour of Snape’s own character construction.

k.      Snape’s trauma in relation to having been bullied is more often discredited by the narrative, although Fudge’s comment “the man is quite unbalanced” and the comparison established between James and Sirius’s use of Levicorpus and the Death Eaters using it on a muggle woman shows that it is something to be taken serious, although never acknowledged.

This last point leads me to my second assertion that the narrative is fundamentally unfair and cruel to Snape. For two main reasons:

a.      Snape’s trauma in relation to the Mauraders is discredited by everyone that counts, namely, Lily and Dumbledore. Only Harry comes closer to understand its dimensions. We can argue as to why this is, and as to whether there was authorial intent or it is simply that JKR didn’t realise how it would sound. Lily nearly smiles when Snape is being bullied which puts in question Lily’s character as well as her friendship with Snape. Both in Snape’s Worst Memory and in the conversation about the prank, she also fails to show concern that her friend was being bullied by the boy she liked.

b.      The second instance of unfairness is more serious because it is far more insidious. A careful reading of text will tell us that Snape was set up for death by Dumbledore. That Dumbledore planted the Elder Wand on Snape while thinking its power had died with him and while knowing that Voldemort would eventually reach conclusions about the Elder Wand and wish to possess it, thus killing its current owner. Not only Dumbledore never tells Snape, but he plans it beforehand. This is why he “admits” to Harry that the intention was to let Snape have the wand. Harry understands exactly what this means, and in the Final Battle tells Voldemort that Dumbledore intended the power of the wand to die with him.

This is so insidious – and cruel – that it is never openly acknowledged. Dumbledore betrays Snape, showing an impressive disregard for his life – far more than he showed for Harry’s because he knew Harry had a good chance of survival. But Snape is never given the satisfaction of having this acknowledged in the text. Snape yearned for Dumbledore’s affection but not only Dumbledore denied him that, he also denied him the truth of what he really wanted of him. Snape is betrayed by both his masters at the end. But we are never explicitly told this. This happens because the narrative is unwilling to portray Dumbledore in a truly badly light. His apparent sorrow (“poor Severus”) and his “admission” of guilt are not enough to show him remorseful because the narrative cannot bring itself to say: “I set Snape to die by planting the wand on him so Voldemort would come to possess a useless weapon”. This would change the readers’ view of Dumbledore, especially after Prince’s Tale. Remark on how cruel it is: Snape had to agree to kill Dumbledore in “good faith” so the power of the wand died with him, but all the while Dumbledore knows that Snape would get a target on his back and die from it. Dumbledore manipulates Snape into – possibly – ripping his soul and tricks Snape into his own demise. Snape thought Dumbledore was raising Harry as a pig for slaughter, but he is wrong. It is him whom Dumbledore is raising to die. The fact that this is never openly stated, and is purposefully obfuscated by the language, is somewhat cowardly. Dumbledore barely apologises, he barely recognizes it. If he did, the readers would be horrified. As with Lily, Snape is again sacrificed in favour of apparently “better” characters whom the narrative wants the readers to like more.

However, the flaw in the plan is that…readers aren’t stupid. I caught on to this when I was a teenager, and it has only intensified as I grew older.

Even at the end, Snape understands from the moment Voldemort mentions the wand that he is going to die. JKR said in a tweet that Snape could’ve saved himself, presumably by setting Voldemort straight, and so his silence ensured Harry’s victory. It is a possible interpretation. More possible still is that Snape accepted death after giving Harry his memories. The fact that he stops trying to staunch the bleeding once Harry appears shows it. His “look at me” is the request of a man who knows he’s going to die and just wants to do so by looking at the eyes of the woman he loves. In this sense, following Dumbledore’s words that “there are things far worse than death” and that for an organized mind death is “the next big adventure”, Snape showed far more courage than both Dumbledore and Voldemort who on several occasions tried to fight the inevitability of death.

It is true the narrative offers some vindication for Snape. Harry tells Tom Riddle of Snape’s true loyalties. Riddle is not allowed to die before knowing that Snape had betrayed him and colluded with Dumbledore, all because of a power Riddle doesn’t understand – love. Harry also names the son with his – and his mother’s – green eyes Severus. Finally, Harry tells him that Snape was probably the bravest man he knew.

But still, Snape is not kindly written. There is an underlying cruelty in how Snape is treated throughout the books. Because he is so profoundly unloved, because he is barely shown kindness and because no one ever takes responsibility for what happened to him, the readers feel compelled to do so. That, I think, explains why Snape is so widely loved, and why people are so ready to defend him in unprecedented ways.mak

To die was an art, To live was destruction

Criminal Minds: A Tribute

After having finally watched the season 15 finale last night, I cannot believe that this amazing show is finally over. I haven’t watched this show since it began airing like some people, nor have I ever watched it episode by episode as it slowly came out on CBS, and some would say that that makes me ‘not a real fan’ but I digress. I have been watching this show for over two and a half years now and it has been some of the best moments of my life.

It all started with two episodes I watched on a whim when they were on cable in a little hotel room in white salmon, Washington. I had already gotten a taste of police procedurals at that point through NCIS (which I have still not finished) and had previously seen criminal minds on my recommended list on Netflix so i thought ‘why not?’ and turned it on. This was still one of the best decisions of my life to date. That might seem super dramatic but the two episodes i watched (10x16 ‘Lockdown’ and 10x17 ‘Breath Play’) were amazing to me. They were just the right amount of creepy and haunting with that dash of genius and psychology and action....it was just perfection in every way. 

So I decided to go back to the beginning and start the whole show from the top.

At first I was confused, the cast was different in season 10, and in season 1 there were all these people i didn't know, but I soon caught up and watched the first few seasons with my mom.It was slow going, I admit, I got home form school and had to quickly watch anywhere from 1 to 3 episodes before my stepdad came home as he didn't like the show but I soon watched all 12 seasons available on Netflix. It was the most bizarre moment when i finished them and sat there for a while with no way to access the rest of the show. Months passed, it seemed to me that the heretofore 2 years of watching the show was over, that I would never finish it. But after 8 months of moving around and waiting, I finally got my hands on the remaining 3 seasons. I binge watched 13 and half of 14 before I procrastinated another 2 months, because I was not ready for it to end.

When I think of Criminal Minds, the first episode that comes to mind is an unusual one. Season 1 episode 14 ‘Ride The Lightning’, I barely remember anything from the earlier season but Ride the Lightning sticks out to me as one of the most heartbreaking episodes on the show. The Woman asking to stay on death row and the car driving away at the end hurts my soul. It has been so long but that episode will forever be seared in my brain.

The second episode that always sporadically comes back to me is the season 2 episode ‘North Mammon’. The idea of 3 girls having to choose whom to kill, is one that shoots shivers down my spine. It was an ugly and tragic episode that will always hurt to watch.

I have loved almost every member in the BAU at some point, some more than others, but my favorite is Dr Spencer Reid. This is probably a typical choice but I don’t care at all. His character arc from a shy and awkward sweater wearing genius to a badass and confident agent is one that is amazing, tragic and sweet all at the same time. In season 1 he cant even shoot a gun but in season 15 he get a 100 on his shooting examination. In the same way, he was often a scrawny ‘pipe cleaner with eyes’ early in the show but in season 14 he swiftly takes down a suspect who lightly shoves Tara. I love how he becomes confident and strong willed but most of this is due to torture, prison, drug addiction, and his girlfriend being shot in front of him which makes his character development horrifying but no less satisfying.

This team...they’re a family. They’ve been blown up, shot, tortured, killed, electrocuted, chased by dogs, hunted down, kidnapped, falsely accused, drugged, imprisoned, and psychologically tormented. They would hurt for each other, kill for each other, die for each other. They were each others mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers. They were more than friends and family in every way that counted. And now it’s....over.

I’m am so blessed that I was able to go on this journey with this amazing cast of characters and they will forever be in my heart, I will never, ever forget the agents of the BAU and I will always list this show as one of the top ten best of all time.

Wheels Up,

Forever.

Oh my god you love percy *and* you like teen wolf?!?!?!?!!!! Ive found my kin oh my god!!!!!

TW SPOILERS DON'T READ IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED

UGH

WTF

ALLISON JUST DIED

I'M GOING TO CRY

Also what the fuck was the im sorry dance. They really just did that and there was no further context. One of them said "do a silly little jig for my forgiveness" one day and they both just. Committed. What is wrong with them I wanna study them under a microscope

Steve lowkey earning himself a reputation for liking guys and girls before he even realizes he does because he keeps interjecting and giving his own answer every time someone tries to ask Robin about guys

At first no one thinks anything of Steve’s interruption and answer when Nancy asks “what even is your type?” quite clearly to Robin and Steve immediately answers “I like girls that are way smarter than me” and everyone just assumes he’s interrupting to hit on Nancy and not to deflect

Then later someone insists some guy was flirting with Robin and she should go for it and Steve immediately goes “Are you kidding me? Robin’s way out of his league. Besides, I had a class with him and he mentioned his stamp collection in it like eight times. Do you really think she wants to sit around and pretend to be impressed by hundreds of stamps?” Still no one thinks much of it yet and if anything they think Steve might be jealous or might just have standards for who they should set her up with

It’s not until it becomes a habit of him answering questions meant for Robin that people start to think there’s a reason, but it’s not Robin they’re onto

Like when they’re having a movie night and Max is going on and on about a shirtless character while Lucas is totally unfazed but Dustin complains and El says which character she liked more and then Max turns to Nancy to break the tie and say which guy is dreamier and Nancy casts her vote, then turns to look over at Robin and ask which guy she’d go for and Steve knows who the question is for but hey he’s sitting right next to Robin so Nancy’s looking in his direction and too and she didn’t say Robin’s name, so Steve doesn’t even hesitate before dropping the name of a character and making sure he keeps the focus off of Robin and keeps everyone distracted from dragging her into that debate by immediately backing it up by saying that Max is right and giving even more reasons to choose him

But even after that, that’s mostly forgotten by the time the older group is drinking and Eddie suggests they play a drinking game and normally Steve would be all over any suggestions, but he turns down truth or dare because he knows how uncomfortable Robin would be and doesn’t want her having to choose between awkwardly lying and deflecting or doing dares she’s not comfortable with or potentially outing herself so he at least manages to change it to never have I ever because that’s a safer bet when he knows Robin hasn’t done anything with any girls

But then Steve ends up drinking significantly more than anyone else while Robin and Eddie are hardly drinking so they end up switching games and somehow they end up playing fuck, marry, kill except Nancy has no interest in getting married or discussing it and she says there’s been enough death in Hawkins and it would be more fun to play with the options as sleep with, kiss, slap. And the game is already started before anyone can ask why marry got changed to kiss and before drunk Steve can figure out how to discretely convince everyone not to. The game goes fine at first with Argyle asking Jonathan about three girls from California. It goes alright when Jonathan asks Eddie about three girls. Steve gets a little concerned when Eddie turns his attention on Nancy that he’ll put Jonathan and him in the list right in front of Jonathan, but Eddie is sober enough still that he at least has enough tact not stir the pot and blow things up on her first turn by throwing them both in in front of them

But then Nancy goes to give Robin a turn and she’s looking right at her and lists the three guys there other than Steve (possibly because she believes Robin on the platonic with a capital P thing and possibly because she doesn’t want to find out if that would waver) so of course Nancy thinks it’s clear that she must be talking to the only other girl there. And before Robin can even try to think of what lie would be the most convincing and least likely to start any awkwardness or drama, Steve’s already jumping in with “Well, I already hit Jonathan and that didn’t go well for me, so I’ll give him a break. And this situation” (gesturing between himself and Nancy and Jonathan) “is finally starting to feel normal so I don’t need to make that awkward all over again by sleeping with your boyfriend. So kiss Jonathan.” And Nancy and Jonathan are looking at him so confused and Robin is grateful for the interruption and relieved but also kind of amused by the level of thought he’s putting into it instead of just throwing out names however. Argyle’s not fazed at all and just waiting to see what he’ll get. Eddie goes from deer in the headlights startled to leaning forward with his elbow on his knee and his chin resting in his hand waiting to see where this will go to abruptly sitting up again and trying to look less interested while his leg nervous bounces and he tries to figure out if Steve is giving a detailed answer to this as a joke or because he’s putting genuine thought into the idea of being with a guy

Steve looks between Eddie and Argyle for a moment, then focuses on Argyle and is like “Sorry, I hardly know you and getting dragged into hitting Eddie or standing around and watching Tommy do it without making any move to stop him is exactly the kind of douchebag bullshit I would have pulled in high school. So I guess slap you and have sex with Eddie.” Eddie’s drink goes down the wrong way when Steve adds “Plus, guitar players are supposed to be good with their hands, right?” and he tries to play it off and not react to the fact that Steve Harrington just said he’d have sex with him and that he thinks Eddie would be good in bed even if it was just in the context of some stupid game. Meanwhile Argyle’s just like “Nah, that’s cool dude. I get it. I would have slapped you too if the roles were reversed.”

After that, a few people start wondering a little more seriously if Steve is into guys too and had his guard down while drinking. But Eddie isn’t going to press his luck without clear evidence and everyone else isn’t going to push it so they just silently wonder a little more every time Steve interjects in the girl talk with his own opinion once again

My controversial truth is that Robin is a top and Steve's a bottom.