He Don’t Got The Booty

In truth all the other octopi just think you’re a right bastard who needs to “shut the fuck up Dave, we know you ate the fish from the tank across the hall nobody cares” and have now stopped associating you as the same species as them.

You are an “eldritch abomination” who is actually just an octopus in an aquarium with a superiority complex.

I want cheese. more specifically the baby bell cheese I have down stairs, but I have already brushed my teeth and im too lazy to do it again. tis a great dilemma, to cheese or not to cheese

This is insane, I genuinely had not a clue. Like in no way does it make sense to me that Captain Marvel is that old, he really does just seem that modern. 

Absolutely wild that captain marvel (dc) is mere months younger than THE BATMAN.

Notably, he's also one of the first heroes to have an villain team featuring RECURRING VILLANS as opposed to the previous 'villain of the week' style.

Batman is one of the WORLD LEADING fictional heroes, he's one of the first too. This man has been roaming the streets of Gotham since BEFORE WORLD WAR 2. To hear that shazam was created and debuted mere months later is insane.

dpxdc twins au except it's no-pulse flavored

Bart’s new roommate looks a lot like Tim. 

Like, suspiciously like Tim. 

Danny’s the same height, has the same shape of nose, same shade of hair, and even frowns like him. He would have been a perfect copy if he acted more like Tim, but Danny definitely holds himself looser than Bart’s ever seen Tim. 

But he still has his face. So, obviously, Bart has to investigate. Maybe he’s a clone, or a shapeshifter, or maybe one of the Gotham rogues decided to get facial reconstruction surgery to look like him, and this was all a ploy. 

Okay, probably not that last one. Bart doesn’t think Tim’s enemies know his identity. 

Anyway, investigation! Bart’ll figure this out himself, and deal with it if Danny needs to be dealt with. And the investigation will start right after he comes up with an excuse as to why he’s back in their third floor apartment when he passed Danny in the hallway a few seconds before. 

Danny stares at him, and Bart stares back. 

“Must’ve been a doppelganger!” Bart blurts out. 

Danny’s silent for a second before nodding enthusiastically and noting that everyone's supposed to have like seven in the world anyway and wow what a wild coincidence that there’s one in their building. 

Bart extends the same courtesy when a week later he walks in on Danny with an iced over pan on the stove. Danny says they should really get their freezer checked out and Bart agrees and asks if he can use the ice for a painting study. 

(They never get their freezer checked.)

Bart finds that Danny’s great at setting up fun things for him to draw, whether he knows it or not. Like the ice, or his collection of rocks, his astronomy textbooks with the pretty covers, his gestures as he rants about his classes, the excited glint in his eyes when he’s talking about his next repair project and how his eyes almost look like they glow in the right light. 

Hm. A good portion of his sketchbook is drawings of Danny, and yet he’s still having trouble with getting the right blue for his eyes. At first glance they’re Tim’s shade of blue, but when he keeps looking they seem to get lighter. Maybe greener?

He should probably stop staring into his friend’s eyes. 

Well, maybe not. Danny doesn’t seem to mind. 

Just like he doesn’t mind when they started regularly sitting very close on the couch, or falling asleep together, or Bart borrowing some of his jackets, or-

Okay, Bart’s kinda seeing a pattern. He and Danny should really have a conversation about if this is platonic behavior or not. 

But not right now, because Bart brought Danny across the river to raid Wally’s board game closet in Keystone. 

And Wally, who’s used to this, just passes by them with a, “Hey Bart, hey Tim.”

“Danny, not Tim,” Danny replies almost absent mindedly, then looks back at Wally, who’s also staring at him now. “Wait, you know Tim?”

“OhmyGod I was supposed to investigate!” Bart says, face palming. It just slipped his mind! And Danny was distracting him with his pretty face that he totally wears better than Tim!

“You know him too?” Danny asks. But he doesn’t look suspicious of them, more amused. 

“How do you know him?” Wally squints at Danny, eyes briefly catching Bart’s in question. 

“He’s my twin,” Danny answers easily. “The Drakes only wanted one kid, so they gave me to their friends the Fentons, who wanted a second one.” He shrugs and goes back to digging around the closet. “Tim and I were always in contact, though. Letters and phone calls and texting, you know?” 

He says it all so casually while Wally and Bart are sharing increasingly concerned looks behind his back. 

Do the Waynes know about Danny? Has Tim never brought him up? Why? Does Danny know about Red Robin? Does Tim-

“Holy shit does this mean Tim has ice powers too!?” 

Or: Tim and Danny are twins. Through a series of coincidences, the first people to find out that aren’t Fentons or Drakes are the flashes.

(This post was brought to you by me recently finishing the 1995 Impulse run, and wanting an excuse to share this panel:

Look they both got called twinks clearly they're soulmates)

Stakeout

Batman: Oracle, status report.

Oracle: [over the comms] the teams are all in position. Things are quiet so far.

Batman: Hm. Ok, thank you Oracle. I’ll check in on them. [switches over to Nightwing and Robin’s frequency]

-

Nightwing: -nd I’ve already bought it! You need to socialise more; this is an important part of your childhood.

Robin: No.

Nightwing: It’s so cute, though. You’ll look adorable!

Robin: [with feeling] No.

Nightwing: [huffs] At least try it on; I already paid for it.

Robin: I am NOT going trick-or-treating.

Batman: …[switches over to Orphan and Batgirl’s comms]

-

Batgirl: -so then I said “you put that hand anywhere near me again I’ll break it off” and he-

Orphan: B is listening now.

Batgirl: oh, hey B. Anyway then we had sex and he had this-

Batman: [cuts off the feed before he becomes even more traumatised] …

Batman: …ok. [tunes into Red Robin and Red Hood’s frequency]

-

Red Hood: [in a fake posh voice] the handyman?!!! How could you DO this to me Dolores?!

Red Robin: [in a high-pitched voice] How could I?!! How could I NOT?? You married your office long before I ever fucked Juan-Eduardo!

Red Hood: Don’t you DARE put this on me! I knew I shouldn’t have hired that ridiculously good looking sonofabitch!

Red Robin: Hah! Well that wouldn’t have stopped me from sleeping with CHAD!

Red Hood: NO!

Red Robin: [Triumphantly] OH YES

Red Hood: NO! MY BEST FRIEND?? WILL THE LIES NEVER END DOLORES??

Red Robin: YES! And let me tell you- he was SO MUCH better than you. He-

Red Hood: YOU’RE TEARING ME APART DOLORES

Red Robin: [breaking character] nice one

Red Hood: thank you

Batman: [over the comms] what are you DOING?

Red Robin: Hi B. There’s a couple in the building across from us who’re having a huge fight. We’re giving them voices.

Red Hood: [in his fake voice] Look at all these papers! These papers that I’m waving around! Look at them!!

Red Robin: [as “Dolores”] Well if you love your papers so much why don’t you MARRY THEM?

Red Hood: MAYBE I WILL

Red Robin: I HATE YOU! I have always hated you! and what’s more- I HATE your MOTHER.

Red Hood: [gasps] MY MOTHER IS A SAINT AND A GIFT TO MANKIND

Red Robin: YOUR MOTHER IS A DECREPIT OLD WHORE

Red Hood: I WILL- DON’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME DOLORES

Red Robin: [hisses] Whenever the Mets play, I wish they would lose.

Red Hood: [gasps] YOU BETRAY ME LIKE THIS?? ME -the man who obviously bought every piece of Mets Merch known to man and display them in every room of our apartment like a tool?! HOW COULD YOU??!

Red Robin: Well what are you gonna do about it? HUH?

Red Hood: WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I’LL DO! I’M GONNA TAKE THIS GUN- [breaks character] Ohmygod he’s got a gun! Shit fuck moving out

Red Robin: We’re coming Dolores!

[Line goes dead]

Batman: …[stares unseeingly at the sky]

Oracle: Aw man, and it was just getting good too.

Logically, I know that when League found out about Billy, he proceeded to act super mature and even manage to be the bigger person. However, if I was ten and a bunch of adults I trusted started yelling at me, I would start crying.

AU where Billy Batson is investigating some random magic issue because his powers have been depleted as a consequence, meaning he temporarily can’t be Captain Marvel, but he somehow accidentally tips off Zatanna who’s working in the watchtower that day. She senses the sudden lack of magic in Fawcett City and tries to contact Marvel to warn him, but he can’t be reached so she calls up a few members of the JL to check it out because they want to make sure he’s okay.

Batman, Zatanna, The Flash, and Wonder Woman start wandering through Fawcett with no plan, just looking for some kind of sign that Cap is nearby, when they see this kid in a tattered red hoodie open a PORTAL, and they’re like what the fuck?! So they slip through the portal right before it closes and suddenly they’re in this infinite magical cave, and the boy is pissed. And he’s really not open to questions.

“What’s your name, kid?”

“None of your business.”

“Where are we?”

“Also none of your business.”

The heroes aren’t idiots, though. They know this kid has something to do with Cap’s disappearance, so they ask him questions until he finally gets tired of them and says, “I’m his…protégé.”

“Cap has a protégé?”

“Yes. That’s me.”

“Prove it.”

“Superman works as a news reporter at the Daily Planet.”

“…Oh shit.”

Batman tries to talk to him about how he shouldn’t know this kind of stuff but the kid hits him back with, “You have like ten kids who know everyone’s identities too. Why are Captain Marvel and I suddenly breaking protocol?” Point taken.

So now there’s this magical kid who’s apparently in line to become the next Champion of Magic who knows all of the JL’s secrets through Captain Marvel, and they still don’t know WHERE Cap is so they take him back to the watchtower and try to get as much info from him as possible. It only makes them more confused.

“Where is Captain Marvel?”

“He’s stuck in eternity.”

“What does that mean?”

“He doesn’t have a corporeal form right now.”

“He- what the fuck? How did that happen?”

“His powers were depleted after a big fight last week.”

“But is that reversible?”

“That’s what I was working on.”

“And what were you doing, exactly?”

“I was…trying to help him get his strength back.”

“Okay? How can we help?”

“Umm, you can’t.”

“Is he okay? In eternity?”

“Yeah yeah, don’t worry about it.”

“How do you know he’s okay?”

“We…have a…shared consciousness?”

“Excuse me??”

“I take it back.”

“You can’t just take that back?!“

“It’s Champion of Magic stuff, okay?! You wouldn’t understand!”

The kid’s story just keeps getting weirder and weirder until he refuses to answer questions, leaving them more in the dark than they were before.

you know those Nefarious Trap Doors cartoon villains are so obsessed with? the ones that lead inevitably to acid-shark-piranha-infested-radiation-lava moats? ok so I appreciate and respect the gimmick, BUT.

I think more swirly slides should be involved

Billy trying to figure out why villains keep throwing glowing green rocks at him and then being surprised when nothing happens and he rocks their shit so one day he brings like a backpack full of Kryptonite up to the Watchtower to ask Batman what the fuck it is only to nearly kill Superman on accident