Rabbit-with-a-grapefruit-spoon - I Have A Sharpened Spoon

Who’s Old Now? by @lirabuswavi​ (um i hope i tagged the right person, cause like im 80% sure you are same ao3 lirabuswavi, if not im sorry <;D)

ok this one-shot literally opened my eyes to sheer chaos possibility of Adult!Fenton adopting kid Billy B. while Teenager!Phantom being mistaken as Shazam’s ward and just ladskjsdk??? superhero/magic/ghost community would not be prepared. amazing fic. such fun.

and some doodles inspired by the fic

let lil Billy have retired ghost superhero possibly eldritch overpowered being Phantom as protective Dad.

" You...Adopted...6 siblings?"

Diana nods, sunstream smile bright and golden on her lips. She proudly shows off pictures, too.

Three boys playing video games, one of them using his crutches to push the others away. " Freddy and Eugene love bothering Billy."

Another is Diana helping an adorable little cherub of a girl with outfits for her doll's world domination meeting. " Darla has such a rich imagination!"

Then there's her, helping a teenager with what looks to be her book report, as another boy serves them snacks. " Mary is a dedicated leader for her projects. Pedro enjoys cooking!"

" But...6?"

" I wasn't going to split them up! Families are strongest together! Billy wouldn't have accepted otherwise. He's a loyal, exceptional big brother. I couldn't ask for a better son."

Shazam blushes, to their confusion.

" And do they know about... You know. Mega hot Goddess guarding Earth thing, or are you just a regular milf?"

" Hal!"

" You all know what I'm about!"

" Not yet! I figure It'll come out at some point. But I enjoy being a parent. They've been a delight to have around. Parenthood is not the beast I expected."

Bruce laughs. Batman laughs. It's like watching something eerie and unnatural. Barry squints. " Am I...High? Did someone buy that brew that makes me spinny again?"

" You, - you think. This will be EASY."

Diana frowns, tilts her head like a confused puppy. " Well, yes. They've been very pleasant thus far. We haven't even argued, and they follow rules well, - "

Batman full on cackles now. Holding onto Superman's cape for support.

" I think they're very special! I'm sure they'll stay like this for longer than we all expect. They're very mature!"

They have to carry Batman away because he physically can't stand up. Diana doesn't particularly appreciate being laughed at, but the man's face deserves some happiness on it, so she'll take it.

Shazam approaches her after. " So, uh... Did you mean it? About - you know, those kids being..Good kids? Or something?"

" Of course! They're all unique and special in their own way. In fact, I have many examples of it. Billy allowed Darla to put him in a sparkly dress for the premiere of her movie and it is the sweetest act-"

" I got it! I got it," Shazam shuffles his fingers, looking younger than his massive height, asking for something that Diana recognizes but can't name,

" And... Just... You know - they're grateful for you. Even if they're going to be brats, or if they'll be angry and break rules and not listen to you...They appreciate you. A lot. I guess I just don't want you to regret them."

" I could never!" Diana is offended by the mere mention. " Children are people, and people will disappoint, and hurt. But they're so much more. I'll make mistakes, too. Hopefully I'll be mother enough to fix them."

" You are," Shazam tries to smile on his wobbly lips, before coughing around the emotion lumping his neck. " You're a great warrior. So you'll be a great mother."

" What's the difference?"

She doesn't know how Shazam figured out her favorite coffee mix, but she's grateful.

fell asleep wondering how body disposal would work in a world were humans evolved more like turtles or giant clams, and had a thick carapace, huge and tougher than our current skeletal system. imagine how inconvenient it would be for a murderer trying to get rid of a body--how do u dispose of the giant fucking shell? also coffins would be a different shape, more like an ellipsoid? human skeletons usually take less than a century to disintegrate, but imagine if we had a exoskeleton that was prone to fossilization. the study of archeology would be very, very affected. also i assume we wouldn't be able to sleep on our backs anymore? how would beds be shaped. what would a world run by turtle-humans look like. would we cover our shells with fabric/clothing or decorate them like we do fingernails? or just straight up do airbrush art? would graffiti be a social issue? someone spray paints u while you're sleeping and u have to pay to have your shell professionally sandpapered? there are so many sociological implications

these are the thoughts that come to me at night

for the record, if you have never watched Farscape: it is a show about an American astronaut who gets stranded in space with a bunch of aliens. this description is technically accurate but tells you nothing about the actual experience of watching the show.

if it helps any, please consider that the main characters are, in no particular order:

a jock who’s very good at math and surprisingly good at feelings

an ex-space cop who combines the fighting-for-her-life aptitude of Ellen Ripley with the understanding-her-own-emotions aptitude of Seven of Nine

Space Javert

a big weird puppet friend with like 12 arms. you will want to hug him.

Fun Worf

“wow i wonder how she got so calm and centered, she seems very wise” “oh yeah i used to be an EXTREMELY violent anarchist and I’m holding onto my chill by my fingernails at all times”

like, what if Yoda had 0 wisdom to impart and was just a horrible little bastard man who only wanted to do crimes

alien girl on Space Rumspringa except she’s never going back because on her home planet feelings are illegal

Shazams got some strange villains

Shazam: Not that I want more villains in the world but damn I wish some of mine would just, I don’t know, rob a bank or have a silly gimmick or something! Like geez. 

Shazam: All of my villains want me dead or dissected! Just once I would like to stop a guy in a colourful costume with an silly name from stealing an artifact related to their gimmick.

The justice league: …………………

Shazam: And banter! I would kill to have some playful banter with my villains but none of them understand my references! They’re all either demons, aliens, old as balls or all three!! IT SUCKS!

The Justice League:……………….

Shazam: THEY THINK VINE IS JUST A PLANT!!!!!

Superman: Wait wait wait, what’s vine if not a plant???

Shazam: I didn’t even do anything to them they just hate me just because I exist or because of my proximity to the guy who gave me powers! I had no control over that!!

Shazam: If I got a list of terms and conditions that said accepting may result in literal demons that want to eat me and the guy who had the job first doing his best to see my head separated from my shoulders I might have reconsidered!!

Flash: Wait really???

Shazam: eh probably not, I can eat bullets now its pretty sick.

Shazam: Even if there were a list of terms and conditions I wouldn’t have read it lmao.

Batman: …Captain, did you not get a choice in your powers?

Zatanna: Hold on did you say demons are trying to EAT YOU?!?!?!

What if instead of Billy lying about everyone in his civilian life, he just tells the truth but doesn’t say anything that would relate to his age.

So…

Barry: How come your always available, don’t you have like a job or a family at home?

CM: oh I’m homeless.

Barry: Oh- geez sorry big guy didn’t mean to—

CM: It’s fine. I’ve been like this ever since my parents died, my uncle stole my inheritance and kicked me out. Social Services don’t matter when their paid off and don’t necessarily care if I was still at my uncles.

Justice league:….

CM: Plus you can’t do much without a birth certificate or a social security number.

Dinah: What about school?

CM: oh yeah, had to drop out during 2nd grade. But Solomon tells me everything I need to know so it’s ok. : D

Martian Manhunter: Shazam, not to alarm you, but you have not breathed in 10 minutes.

Shazam; Whoops! I forget sometimes.

Martian Manhunter: It’s alright, I often forget to blink.

Batman:

I was walking through the toy aisle at Target when I found this thing and had a VIOLENT AND IMMEDIATE FLASHBACK to when JP first came out and they had a bunch of REALLY COOL T Rex toys that I would have sold one of my scrawny small-child limbs for but my mother wouldn’t get me one because they were “too violent and also ate people” :(