So Much Has Happened Since We Last Spoke.  I Spend A Lot Of Time Wondering About What You’d Think

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I know therapists and people online talk about being yourself.. But it doesn't seem to work for me at all.

I feel guilty for burning out after masking for a little over a year. I think my masks get assumed as an unstable sense of self by therapists.. despite my attempts to explain my experience. I don't know what's so off-putting about me when I don't mask, but everyone senses something is wrong and fake when I do.

I felt happiest when I was numb on Korlym for 3 years and unable to feel the deepest of emotions.. I feel them deeply again now and it's hard to manage, though millions of times easier than before.. but it's easiest to be numb and follow rules that are easy to find about society. It's easiest and then I don't worry about whether I feel happy or not because I wasn't feeling at all on that medication.

Things I love:

Skincare

Rainy days

The Forest

Clouds & Night Skies

Video Games (cozy, indie, jrpg)

Soft clothes & blankets

The beach

Animals ♡⁠

Learning Japanese

Snow, changing seasons

I go rabid for color combos. I want to learn more about plant materials for dye making & how fabrics are created.

I like VR. I want to learn more about it.

I am getting a lot of my emotions back from after 3 years of being on Korlym. I have Cushing's Disease and had the tumor removed in October. I have been crying nearly non-stop, when I have my private moments, about how much I love things and how badly I've been masked. I keep getting hit with personal understanding epiphanies that feel like the climax of a movie. It feels like such a big deal to me.

https://www.instagram.com/share/reel/BAQAiYXoBD

the sexism in naruto is actually so crazy and all encompassing. every female character is defined by her relationship to men. the majority are boy-crazy. and it’s constantly remarked upon how weak they are when compared to their male teammates.

not only that but the main male characters actively dislike the women they’ve been paired off with. shikamaru is into temari but his infinite dream is not having to marry her. sai ends up with ino despite finding her ugly. naruto thinks hinata is weird and boring. sasuke’s dislike of sakura is infamous.

adult men’s interest in women is seen as comical and alien. (reactions to the sexy jutsu, jiraiya harassing women). almost all of the adult men are perpetual bachelors or sex perverts (and those who aren’t are stand ins for “mom and dad”).

when boys actually do like girls, it’s to show goofy immaturity and innocence (naruto’s crush on sakura that he grows out of as he reaches maturity, lee’s crush which is dropped entirely, obitos crush on rin which lasts into adulthood just to show he isn’t entirely separate from the boy he once was)

the whole ninja society likes to imagine it is a mostly gender blind world where women can thrive but this is SO obviously untrue. women are almost always healers and support. women make up less than 1/3 of the ninjas even at genin level. girls are almost all desperate to become wives and earn the attention of boys who don’t even like them!

mikoto uchiha was a jonin and presumably directly descended from the uchiha line (based on characters commenting that she/sasuke look just like izuna uchiha), but we only ever see her retired and raising her sons while her husband gets to be clan leader. (why?? if he married into the main family and she is an extremely capable ninja??)

similarly kushina uzumaki is borderline royalty and a jinchuriki, but her husband is hokage. once again the mother carries on the burden of power (for her sons to inherit) but the father has the title and status.

even the backstory of ninja enforces this. kaguya literally ate the forbidden fruit, giving the gift of chakra to all of humanity but also dooming them to fight for eternity. literally womens original sin …

anyway it’s not that all this sexist shit is in the story. it’s that kishimoto seemingly has no idea it’s there and believes the women he writes have epic girl power. how do you even do this by accident. why does every boy hate their wife. why did kaguya commit the original sin ! the girl characters want so badly to be with a boy but they don’t even care that the boy doesn’t like them back!! sakura and hinata are in loveless marriages of obligation and THEY DONT EVEN CARE??? they’re into it??? does kishimoto think men are universally forced to marry women they don’t like? does he blame women for this?WHY IS THE ORIGINAL SIN DRIVING THE BUS ALL THE SUDDEN?

My daughter introduced me to Cookie Run: Kingdom, so I like that, too, now. I really love that ethereal yume raindrop aesthetic.

I really like the aesthetic of Agar Agar, Frilled Jellyfish, and Milky Way cookie the most. 💕 That iridescent, colorful liquidy vibe is the best!!