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Saudade

↳ pairing: lee suho x reader

↳ synopsis: this is the third installment following philophobia and metanoia. after years of being away from your soulmate, you finally begin to believe that you have a chance at a normal life. but you learn that fate is never that simple or kind.

↳ warnings: language, alcohol consumption (nothing too crazy), ANGST you guys know what it is, a pinch of fluff

— note: sorry this took so long! i hope you guys enjoy the final part!

Fate was something you would never be able to truly understand. It was something so complex, yet at the same time so astoundingly simple.

When you were younger, you always believed fate to be a benign concept that could only lead to happiness. The day you lost sight of your string, you belatedly realized that all your preconceived notions were nothing more than delusions born from the idealized world the people around you had constructed.

Perhaps the cognizance would’ve been easier to deal with had you not been forced to move to a city that was constantly embraced by a daunting aura, one that didn’t allow you to properly heal from your internal wounds. Looking back on it, the trepidation might’ve had something to do with the fact that Seoul was the city where you would be forced to confront your destiny—the same fate that had disappointed you time and time again.

And therein lied the reason why being back felt like a surreal dream.

Every memory that came with walking down the busy streets overwhelmed you. After all this time, you still found yourself powerless to the retention of the time in your life where you felt the most miserable. Years had passed since then, but being back at the start of it all had you faltering in a way you thought would be impossible after your treatment.

There was a sudden heaviness in your chest and feet as you neared your destination. You allowed yourself to stare at the large building with muted dejection. This was the last place you were willing to revisit, but you were aware that never returning wasn’t a viable option. Not after you agreed to work through your condition without any restraint.

You instinctually forced yourself to shove all of your unwanted emotions into the dark place of your mind that was rarely visited before heading into the large building. By this point, you’ve become overly familiar with the place; a token of your dedication to get better. In spite of the fact that you were no stranger to the setting, an unbearable feeling of discomfort overcame you in that moment. You were undeterred by this sudden shift in your emotions and forced your feet to carry you to the elevator.

You pressed the button to the top floor, briefly recalling the days when you only had to go to the fifth floor. How time flies.

The second you stepped off the elevator, you noticed a young woman waiting to greet you. She led you to the large office, knocking once before letting her boss know you had arrived. You heard a familiar voice urging her to let you in.

The doctor’s new office was twice the size of his old one—a luxury he never would’ve had without your help. Being in his office reminded you of the point in time when you were adamant about not helping him with his research. Now, helping Dr. Kwon study the enigmatic soulmate bond was the very thing you had dedicated your life to. A true irony, really.

“Y/N.” Your name was spoken fondly and with a friendly smile. “It’s been a long time since we’ve met like this. How does it feel to be back in Seoul?”

Dr. Kwon’s words made you think about how long it had been despite the fact that it felt like you left the city only yesterday. You hadn’t been able to visit him personally since you left the rehabilitation center and started working with other patients to further his research, but you never imagined that being in front of him after all this time would feel as harrowing as it did. Deep down, you knew it was only because of the torturous memories you subconsciously associated with him. Luckily for you, those memories no longer forced you into a debilitating state—a development you had worked hard to achieve.

With that thought in mind, you set the report on the doctor’s desk while murmuring a noncommittal response to his inquiry. “There aren’t any new side effects.”

Your distant response made Dr. Kwon frown. Many years had passed since you two met, yet that did nothing to help erase the line you drew all those years ago. It wasn’t unusual for his patients (you, in particular) to unconsciously project their internalized trauma onto the people in their lives, but he couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed with your behavior.

“Tell me about what’s been going on with you.” Dr. Kwon prodded gently. “Have you been seeing anyone?”

The doctor’s biggest hope was to successfully help you get past your philophobia so you could finally start living normally. However, even after all these years you still didn’t allow yourself to get close to anyone romantically in spite of knowing no one could ever hurt you as badly as your soulmate had.

“I’ve lessened my dose like you suggested.” You told him even though you knew he would read it in the report after you left.

“That…” Dr. Kwon’s smile faltered, but only for a second. “That’s great. If you aren’t experiencing any side effects or withdrawal-like symptoms, I think we can start drafting a plan for you to stop taking the suppressants altogether.”

Those words caught your interest. To be able to live normally without the help of the suppressants was something you had longed for since you started your treatment back when you were a teenager.

“Will I really be able to?”

Dr. Kwon didn’t miss the spark in your eyes as you gazed at him. It made him confident that he could potentially help you live happily like you always wanted. He would never give up his mission to help you get better, and this was the first step to achieve that goal.

“If you don’t mind staying in Seoul a bit longer.” He said simply. “This way, I’ll be able to monitor you more closely and decide how soon you can stop taking the suppressants.”

You had no intentions of extending your stay, but you would do anything to be free from the chains that came in the form of medicine. And so, you eagerly agreed.

Often times, you were thrown into situations before you realized it.

When you coincidentally ran into Soo-ah, you didn’t expect her to invite you to come out with her and a handful of your former classmates. You had meant to politely decline her invitation, but instead you found yourself asking her who would be in attendance before you could stop yourself. She listed off names you could vaguely recall, but just barely. There was no mention of him.

And so, you ended up drinking with people who you didn’t know that well and vice versa. You weren’t uncomfortable per se, but there was a pressure building in your chest that you couldn’t make sense of. Luckily, the alcohol helped you forget about the foreign sensation as well as the other strident thoughts that had been on your mind.

It wasn’t until you stumbled out of the place that the real trouble began.

You had taken all of two steps, but came to an abrupt stop after you heard a quiet yet forceful call of your name. Han Seojun was walking toward you with a strange look in his eyes. In that instant, you knew that whatever was coming next wouldn’t be pleasant.

“How long are you planning on staying in Seoul?”

His question threw you off. Seojun was someone you could hardly call a friend, and you were certain that wouldn’t change with time. Despite not liking the premonition that came along with his words, you answered him anyway.

“Not long.” You told him truthfully. “I have some work related things to take care of, then I’m leaving.”

Seojun remained silent as if in deep thought, and you assumed he was done with the conversation. But as you turned on your heel to walk away, he called out to you again. This time, the tension in his tone made the hairs on the back of your neck stand up.

“About Lee Suho…”

You tensed instantly. Just the simple mention of his name awoke feelings in you that you thought you’d gotten rid of a long time ago. Instead of reacting in a way that would give away your true emotions, you turned your head slightly to look at him. Seojun could only see half of your face, but it was enough for him to hope that you might still care about his friend.

“He’s missed you. Even though he’s living abroad right now, he still—”

“I have to go.” You interrupted him, unwilling to hear the rest of his tirade. “I’ll see you around.”

Back then, you had no idea it was only the beginning of fate’s cruel plan.

People often said fate was something that you made yourself—something that wasn’t predetermined but something that was subject to change depending on the course of action taken. You weren’t so sure if that was true because more often than not, you found that the course of your life was filled with trials and tribulations that were completely out of your control. These painful events (as your mother and countless therapists said) were meant to build character. In your case, they just hurt.

However, now that you were older, you were starting to understand what people meant.

After all, it was you who decided to remove yourself from the situation and distance yourself from your soulmate. It was you who made the effort to get better and build a new life for yourself. That had to count for something.

You had come this far, and that in itself was a notable achievement. Soon enough, you would no longer be dependent on the supplements Dr. Kwon developed soon after you came into his care. It wouldn’t be long before you would be free to live your life without any restraints.

That thought alone made you appreciate the view that much more. Snow was falling lightly, but it didn’t take away from the calmness you felt. Nothing could kill the high you were on. Finally, everything seemed to be falling into place. The peaceful life you always yearned for was within your reach, ready to be taken.

“Y/N.”

There was a sudden heaviness in your chest and feet after you heard your name. Every single hair on your body stood up at the sound of an eerily familiar voice calling your name, a voice that you wouldn’t be able to forget in a million years. Hesitantly and very slowly, you turned around only to come face-to-face with the one person you hoped to never see again.

The mere sight of him evoked a jagged feeling from your chest that you were very familiar with. It was no longer as intense as it once was—a curtesy of the supplements you were taking. However, you weren’t numb to the dull ache seeing your soulmate caused.

Suho’s face crumpled instantly at the sight of your watery eyes. The glistening tears in your eyes could’ve easily been mistaken for previous crystals from how brightly they were shining. He reached forward and cupped your frozen face, barely able to contain the emotions swirling in his chest.

You flinched away from his touch, realizing that all the effort you made up until this point was in vain. The ache in your pounding heart reminded you that no drug in the world could be strong enough to completely detach you from all the emotions your soulmate provoked.

“I’ve missed you.”

There was a sincerity to his words that might’ve moved you at one point in time, but now his words only left a sick feeling in your stomach. This could have been due to the suppressants, or perhaps the result of being away from him for so long. Either way, the affection Suho was displaying was something you no longer wanted or needed.

“Why?” Your voice was quiet as a single tear fell from your eye. “You rejected me.”

Unlike before, Suho’s expressions were completely transparent. His wounded eyes almost had you regretting your blunt words. Almost.

Not being able to withstand the sight of his pained expression any longer, you turned around and ran.

It was a well-known fact that the string of fate pulled soulmates closer and closer until the two souls were eventually brought together. Trying to resist the tug was practically impossible and, in most cases, futile. You were no exception to this natural contingency despite taking every possible measure you could to fight it. Eventually, you learned that fate wasn’t something that could actively or easily be avoided.

That’s why it wasn’t too surprising when you crossed paths with Suho so soon after you saw him the other night at the bridge. Whether it was coincidental or not, the strength of the bond was enough to soothe the initial irritation you felt at seeing your soulmate. Perhaps the power of the pull was what made you accept the invitation to have a meal with him, or maybe it was out of the need to prove to yourself that Suho could no longer affect you in the intense way that he used to.

The restaurant wasn’t anything grand, but they did serve alcohol which was perfect for you because you weren’t sure you could sit through a meal with the person who broke your heart while being completely sober. You didn’t hesitate to start drinking before the waiter brought your food out.

“So,” Suho cleared his throat as he saw you down a shot with concern. “How have you been?”

It was a loaded question that almost made you angry because how did he think you had been? Undergoing treatment wasn’t anything easy, and it definitely wasn’t pleasant. But you couldn’t bring yourself to spit out your poisonous thoughts. If you agreed to join him it was because you were better now (and to potentially expand on your research). You couldn’t let all your hard work go to waste because of his sudden reappearance and your petty need to make him feel the same way you had all those years ago.

Suho saw you hesitate, and for a moment he was worried that the resentment you seemed to feel for him would keep him from getting closer to you. He felt extremely relieved when you answered him politely, seemingly not too caught up with rehashing the past.

“You actually worked with the Dr. Kwon?” Suho was in awe.

“I still do.” You told with a nod. “I’m the one who helped him develop the suppressant for the soulmate bond.”

Your comment wasn’t malicious, but Suho felt his chest tighten uncomfortably. The drug you helped develop was worldwide famous as it was the first of its kind. He had read about all of its effects and how it was life changing for people who had been rejected by their soulmates. People like you.

When you saw the look on Suho’s face, you let out a dry, humorless laugh. “I’m taking them, if that’s what you wanted to know.”

There was an awkward pause, and you weren’t sure why everything had become so tense all of a sudden. Suho should’ve guessed that you were taking the suppressants because of the fact that you were still alive. Without those drugs, you would’ve died a long time ago. It would’ve been easy enough to tell him that, but something restrained you from doing so.

“So… you don’t feel anything now that you’re with me?”

That wasn’t exactly true. A suppressant was different from a blocker, and even modern medicine wasn’t advanced enough to stop all the effects caused by the soulmate bond. However, you didn’t tell Suho any of that. It was petty, but there was still that part of you that was unwilling to let him off so easily.

“Not really. I feel the like I’m spending time with any other person.” You lied.

Suho felt a sharp pain strike his chest. The throbbing was painful, but all he could focus on was your cold expression. There was no trace of resentment or love or anything. Just a blank canvas that he was unable to fill.

After a beat of silence, you spoke up, unable to stand the discomfort that suddenly consumed you. “I’m sorry about your dad. It must’ve been hard for you.”

Your words caught Suho by surprise. He wasn’t sure how you knew that his dad had been in the hospital while he was abroad, but it hardly mattered. The knot in his chest loosened when he saw your earnest expression. Your empathy was just that, but to Suho it meant the world. It touched him deeply that despite all the pain he had put you through, you didn’t hate him enough to rejoice in his misfortune.

“He’s better now. That’s part of the reason why I came back.”

You didn’t need to hear the other part because you knew what it was, and you weren’t ready for him to vocalize it. Dr. Kwon would be proud.

Suho seemed to realize you were uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. “How has it been helping Dr. Kwon with his research?”

“Healing.” You told him without thinking. “It helped me get better, and now I’m one step closer to living a normal life like everyone else.”

A sudden pain struck Suho in the chest. Your smiling face managed to soothe some of the sting, but not fully. He would never be able to truly forgive himself for what he did to you. It was his fault you hadn’t been able to finish off high school like everyone else. He was the reason you hadn’t been able to live like any other person who found their soulmate. But somehow Suho pushed down those feelings of painful regret and smiled back at you.

“That’s great, Y/N.” He managed to say through the pain he felt. “I’m… I’m really happy for you.”

Seeing Suho was starting to become a regular occurrence. He was insistent on spending time with you even though you weren’t always welcoming of his company. Recently, he had started to walk you to work. There were times where his actions moved you and times where his actions irritated you. It was usually the latter, but this time you couldn’t be angry or annoyed. Not when it was clear that something was wrong. The moment you laid eyes on Suho, an uncomfortable feeling pinched at your stomach only for it to die down and completely disappear within the next second.

“Hey, are you okay?” You asked, unable to hide the worry in your voice.

Suho caught the emotion in your tone and faintly smiled. “Are you worried about me?”

The contrast in his behavior always threw you off. He wasn’t acting like the person you remembered, and you never knew what to make of his perplexing behavior. Was this really the person you met back in high school? It didn’t seem like it. There was a subtle jerk in your chest, almost as if the emotions being repressed by your medicine were clawing to get out. You frowned at the feeling.

“Have you looked in the mirror today?” You ignored his question. “You don’t look okay.”

Suho shrugged off your words. Instead he told you to have a good day and to not overwork yourself. That was another thing you couldn’t understand. Suho followed you everywhere, except your workplace. You weren’t sure why he had an apparent aversion to the building you currently worked in, but you didn’t dwell on it. Having a place you were able to escape to made you forget all about his abnormal behavior. Well, not entirely.

It was difficult not to think about the situation you had found yourself in. You didn’t know exactly what to call this… relationship between you two, but it felt like you were in a sort of limbo state. It was alarming and potentially problematic because recovery was something that was well within your grasp, and you weren’t sure if Suho was hindering you from finally grabbing what you worked so hard to achieve.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

Perhaps not telling Dr. Kwon that your soulmate was back and regularly seeing you wasn’t the wisest decision, but you were sure he would have canceled his plan to take you off the suppressants if you had told him the truth. You kept your cool expression in tact, not willing to give yourself away.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Dr. Kwon frowned. You hadn’t so much as looked up from the paperwork in front of you, but he wouldn’t let you get away from his question so easily. Not when it was about life or death.

“I’m talking about the fact that a man named Han Seojun came in here asking about a consultation for his friend, Lee Suho.”

The shift in your eyes was immediate. You couldn’t hide the emotion on your face as you looked over at Dr. Kwon. He was looking at you with a somber expression, waiting for your explanation. But you couldn’t be concerned with that because there was a sinking feeling in your stomach that wasn’t allowing you to think straight.

“Han Seojun managed to get him in here for a check up.” The doctor continued after realizing that you weren’t going to provide him with the answers he was looking for. “I’ve haven’t seen so much strain on a heart in a long time. His results look almost like yours did all those years ago.”

Blood rushed to your ears, partially muting all the noise in the room. The feel of your heart pounding painfully against your chest was foreign now, yet familiar all at the same time. It was almost entirely painful, but not quite. No. This couldn’t be happening. There had to be some sort of mistake. But you knew there wasn’t. The signs had been there, and you had purposely ignored them because you hadn’t wanted to entertain the possibility of Suho going through what you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy.

“You’re rejecting the soulmate bond.” Dr. Kwon said simply, not knowing he was voicing your greatest fear. “If he doesn’t undergo treatment soon, he will die.”

There was a moment where you could only hear your heartbeat. It’s unsteady rhythm was the only thing you could focus on in order to hold back your tears. It was true that you didn’t want Suho in your life, but to think he was experiencing the same pain you had made you feel sick to your stomach. No one, not even Suho, deserved to experience that type of pain. You could only press your lips together, afraid that a sob might break through at any moment.

“Y/N?”

You lifted your distant eyes, as if snapping out of some sort of trance. “Sharing a person’s medical information is a crime.”

Dr. Kwon frowned, but wasn’t all that fazed by your threatening reminder because he was aware that your reaction was nothing more than a byproduct of the trauma caused by your soulmate. Still, he had expected more from you. The treatment you received at the facility he founded was meant to help you (which it had—physically), but it had also inadvertently morphed your philophobia into something more grave that didn’t allow you to be emotionally vulnerable.

The doctor let out a deep sigh. “Y/N—”

“If you’re going to treat him, then do it.” You said as you put down the paperwork. “Just don’t expect me to care about what happens to him.”

With that cold statement, you stood up and grabbed your things. You hurried to the door, not willing to be in the office any longer. Just as you reached the door, you were stopped by the doctor’s voice.

“He won’t take the supplements.” Dr. Kwon said. “I don’t know why, but he’s unwilling to undergo any sort of treatment.”

You swallowed thickly, unable to keep the tears in your eyes. It was difficult, but you swallowed the lump in your throat and walked out of the large office without looking back.

Suho never thought you would ask to see him first. It was something that went beyond his all of his wildest dreams, and for the first time he felt the pressure in his chest loosen. You had asked to meet him at the bridge where he first encountered you after returning, and he didn’t hesitate to clear his schedule in order to meet you. He didn’t have time to think about why you wanted to see him. It didn’t matter, either. Not when you willingly wanted to see him and spend time with him.

Suho made it to the bridge in record time. His eyes immediately spotted you, able to distinguish you almost immediately. Even from afar you looked as stunning as ever. The bright city lights managed to give you an ethereal glow that took his breath away. Not wanting to keep you wait any longer, Suho was quick to go over to where you were standing.

“Y/N.”

You turned around, expression as blank as usual. It was a bit disappointing, but Suho wouldn’t let that deter his mood. When he finally got close enough, he could see traces of concern in your eyes. It made him wonder what was wrong while thinking of ways he could ease your discomfort.

“Suho.”

He hadn’t heard you say his name in years despite all the time you two had spent together. It was like music to his ears, and it made him hopeful that you two were finally moving in the right direction. Maybe earning your forgiveness wouldn’t be impossible like he originally thought.

“You’re dying.” You said shakily. “Because of me.”

Suho felt his heart sink into his stomach. He didn’t have any time to think about how you found out, but he couldn’t stand to see at the wounded look in your eyes. The last thing he had wanted to do was hurt you, yet that was the very thing he did.

His silence made the sickening feeling amplify. It was true. You had known it was since Dr. Kwon had told you, but part of you had hoped it was a mistake or a flat out lie. To think that you were doing the same thing Suho did to you was reprehensible. All your years of helping people and your own recovery didn’t seem to mean anything because it felt like you were right back at where you started. Except now it was you who was causing the pain.

You swallowed thickly, not believing this was happening. “Why… Why wouldn’t you agree to take the suppressants?”

The stoic expression that was imprinted in your mind made an appearance for the first time since you two met again. It made you feel sick and like you were trapped in the middle of a bizarre nightmare.

“Don’t you realize what you’re doing?” Your voice rose slightly. “How could you be reckless enough to disregard your own health?”

Suho’s eyes gleamed with regret and something else you couldn’t identify. “You did the same thing back then. You risked your life for my happiness.”

The suppressants weren’t perfect, and still left room for error. Often times, the emotions people didn’t want to feel passed through and consumed them. But now it felt like you weren’t taking the medicine at all because in the next instant, you were bursting with emotions, the most prominent one being anger. How could he compare your situations? How could he think that this was what you wanted?

There was a tense pause, one that didn’t last very long but felt like an eternity.

“Don’t act like you’re doing some selfless deed.” You hissed, feeling angry tears pinch the back of your eyes. “What I did back when we met isn’t the same as what you’re doing now, and you fucking know it.”

For a moment, you two only stared at each other fiercely. Similar emotions were building inside both of you, ready to burst at the seams. Neither of you were willing to speak the truth, but expected the other to understand.

“You chose to do that for me back then.” Suho forced himself to say. “It was your choice, and what I’m doing now is mine.”

And it was his choice. Suho would never forgive himself for everything he did to you, and he was certain there was nothing he could ever do to make it up to you. Except this. Only going through the same pain would he be able to truly repent his mistakes. The only problem was that you didn’t take his words in the way he meant them.

“It was never my choice!” You yelled angrily, feeling like you could explode from the rage. “Why would I ever choose to feel the pain you put me through?”

Everything was happening too quickly, but it was too late to backtrack. The misunderstandings and the misuse of words didn’t matter anymore because you were finally letting your true feelings spill out of you like a waterfall.

“You were the one who rejected the bond that we have without caring about how it would effect me!”

The sight of your tears came as another blow to Suho’s chest, one that was much stronger than all the others. Everything was falling apart so quickly. Too quickly to stop it. Suho took a step toward you but you stepped back. The anger and pain you were feeling was evident now.

“When are you going to stop hurting me?”

Suho sucked in a sharp breath. Your words made him feel as terrible as he did when he found out you couldn’t see your string. A single tear slid down his face as he looked at your pain-filled expression. The bond between you was completely damaged, and for the first time he could feel it.

“Wasn’t it enough for you when you almost killed me because you loved Lim Jugyeong?” You wondered, feeling like your throat was closing in on itself. “I didn’t know about our bond, but you willingly ignored it. When I found out, you didn’t hesitate to tell me you didn’t want me as your soulmate. I accepted all of that, so why… why do you keep doing this to me?”

Subconsciously rejecting or accepting the soulmate bond was something every human did as soon as they recognized their soulmate, and it had a stronger effect than most people would ever understand. It might’ve occurred to you that this is exactly what you were doing, but thinking logically wasn’t possible with all the emotions that were overpowering your thoughts. It no longer mattered that you never intended for any of this to happen because it had. Because it was fate.

Suho couldn’t stand it anymore. All the pain he caused you was suffocating, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. He reached for you, only to be stopped by the blinding pain his chest. Tiny black dots clouded his vision before they completely engulfed it.

You could only watch in horror as Suho collapsed on the ground just as you had all those years ago.

At times, you wondered if your entire life was nothing more than a terrible dream. Some of the things that happened to you felt too surreal and distorted to be an actual part of reality. However, there was always certain moments that managed to remind you that your life was far from a dream. Seeing Suho’s pale form laying in a hospital bed was one of those moments.

You watched him carefully, gasping quietly when his eyes slowly opened.

When Suho saw you by his bedside, it immediately eased some of the pain he was feeling. You tearfully whispered his name, no longer hiding behind the stoic mask he had grown used to. It almost made him feel like all the pain was worth it.

“I’ll go get the doctor.”

You stood to leave, but Suho immediately caught you by your wrist. He gently caressed it, looking like he might cry. “Stay. Please.”

And you did. You slowly sat back down, feeling the enigmatic pull take over your actions. You hadn’t felt it in years, and you wondered if it would be a good idea to take more of the suppressants before your feelings became too intense to control.

“I’m sorry.” You apologized through the tears. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to you knowing that your health is in a delicate state.”

Your apology meant the world to Suho, but it also managed to make him feel horrible. Just like back then, you were putting his feelings before your own, and he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t deserve the consideration you gave him back then, and he definitely didn’t deserve it now.

Suho shook his head. “Everything you said is the truth. I deserve that and much more.”

You pressed your lips together before letting out a shaky sigh. None of that mattered anymore. The only thing you were concerned about was helping him get better. “Take the suppressants.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” You demanded, feeling your heart clench painfully. “The pain is only going to get worse.”

“It’s nothing compared to what I did to you.”

His words made your heart ache. At one point in your life you wanted him to suffer in the same way you had, but now it was the last thing you wanted. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but Suho didn’t seem to realize that. Seeing him in this state wasn’t what you wanted at all. Didn’t he understand that?

“If you don’t agree to undergo the treatment, you’ll die.” You told him, your voice was an apparent mixture of fear and guilt. “How could you think that would make me happy?”

“You haven’t forgiven me for what I did, and neither have I.” Suho said. The tears in his eyes spilled over as he looked at you. “I don’t deserve it either.”

You couldn’t stop your tears own from falling. He had it all wrong, and you weren’t sure that you could ease his pain despite having done it so many times before.

“It’s not that I don’t forgive you.” You whimpered as you took ahold of his hand.

This next part was going to be difficult for you to express, but it needed to be done. It was the only way you were going to be able to truly heal from all the pain that you went through.

“It’s that I don’t forgive myself.” Your confession came out in a shaky sigh. “I didn’t love myself enough to put my health first. Even back then, I had the option to get treated before the pain became unbearable, but I didn’t because I loved you more than I loved myself.”

You let out a quiet sob. “And I’ve never been able to forgive myself for that.”

If anyone understood that feeling, it was Suho. He didn’t hesitate to pull you into his arms, caging you against him. It felt warm and comforting—an unexpected safe place. It made you feel completely protected, like nothing and no one could ever hurt you.

“It’s not your fault.” He whispered. “None of it.”

Suho couldn’t have known it, but his words set you free. Finally, you accepted that your father’s death wasn’t you fault, neither was the resentment your mother felt, not even the fact that Suho had rejected you. None of it was your fault. You were only a victim of the circumstances.

The road to recovery wouldn’t be an easy path, but it was one that you were both willing to take.

Fate was a strange concept, indeed.

Even now, you couldn’t tell if destiny was something that was predetermined or something that could be made, but it didn’t matter. You walked the path that you were meant to take despite not being ready for it. In the end, it had led you to the place that you were meant to be at.

“Y/N!”

You looked over your shoulder with a smile, seeing Suho excitedly wave at you from the other end of the street. He jogged over to you with a giant grin on his face before engulfing you in a tight hug. His warm embrace gave you a sense of security that you had grown to love.

“Did you have fun with Seojun?” You asked, feeling like you were in the middle of a blissful trance.

“The guy thinks he’s all that because he’s famous now.” Suho said jokingly, emitting a laugh from you.

An entire year had passed since that day in the hospital, and now you could proudly say that you had successfully worked past your philophobia. It hadn’t been easy, but with help from Dr. Kwon and even Suho you managed to overcome all the trauma you had been unconsciously clinging on to. Now, you were living happily without the help of suppressants.

Suho pulled back, looking at you with shining eyes. He cupped your face before he swooped down and pressed his lips against your own. You melted into the kiss instantly, feeling a fiery passion consume you. The movement of his lips was sweet yet strong. It managed to make your head swim with euphoria. Suho gently caressed your cheek before he slowly drew back.

“I love you.”

You couldn’t contain your smile. “I love you, too.”

Suho let you go and swiftly grabbed your hand. He swung it happily as you two walked down the street. “Where should we go?”

“There’s a new comic store that opened down the street.” You told him with a grin. “Let’s check it out.”

Suho gave you another smile and gave your hand a gentle squeeze. The sheer joy you felt in that moment seemed unreal. It was hard to believe that you managed to get to this point where happiness was a regular part of your life. You never imagined that it would be a part of fate’s plan for you. There was only one thing that made you realize it was all real and not part of some blissful dream.

You looked down at your intertwined hands, smiling wider when you saw the red thread wrapped around your index finger.

The Salt

Had to write this because I am captivated by Sally Jackson and her lover (the Sea god). Please enjoy.

A man.

More than that.

A dream.

She’d been dreaming for weeks of the sea. Of waves, crashing against the cliffs with foam and spray. The salt that would linger on her skin, on her lips. How her hair would move, how her feet would tread in the sand.

But more than that.

Green eyes, the color of seawater when it rushes over the sand. Dark curly hair, tanned skin that she somehow knew. A presence, a knowing, a voice.

Find me.

It was lunacy, insanity. The fantasies of a college grad knee deep in debt, dreaming in her tiny Manhattan apartment, of the sea and a kiss that tasted like saltwater. But it was easy, so easy to scrape her money together, to push her yelling boyfriend aside, and just go. Go far, far away from the noise and the job and the debt.

The sea would wash everything away.

For hours, she sat in that cabin on the dunes, watching the sun get low, just thinking. The boyfriend. The arguments. The broken plate, her favorite blue plate, shattered on the floor. The blue and violet bruise on her ribs. She turned over her shoulder and gazed at the dusty mirror.

Wavy brown hair, a few white hairs here and there. Gray eyes, the color of thunderstorms. A white dress she’d bought at a tiny shop, embroidered in gold thread. She didn’t wear sandals, she wanted to feel the sand beneath her, to let the waves wash over her.

The sun made the sky a thousand shades, the clouds like splotches of paint on an indigo sky. The sand was soft beneath her, and she picked up her dress as the water lapped at her feet. Quiet. Calm. Her eyes closed, and she began to smile, soft and slow.

“The sea has a way of bringing things back to us.” A voice said, deep and gentle as the water beneath her.

She opened her eyes, and she saw a man. A dream.

He stood, knee deep in the surf, smiling at her. When he saw she was looking at him, his smile widened and she saw brilliant white teeth, the lines around his eyes creasing. She thought, blushing as she did, that he looked like something from the old movies she watched when she was younger.

The line of his jaw was terribly romantic. His nose was straight from the Greek busts she’d seen in her college textbooks. His eyes, a brilliant shade of sea-green, even from where she stood. His dark hair, messy and rather gorgeous. But it wasn’t just how he looked.

“What?” She managed.

He laughed, a rich sound that made her consider collapsing into the ocean and never coming up again. “You’re smiling.” He said, “Smiling in a way that only the sea can bring out of people.”

She smiled back at him, “Oh? And you know the sea?”

He grinned in a way that seemed he had a secret, “I know it well.”

She let her dress drop into the water, holding out her hand, “I’m Sally. Sally Jackson.”

He walked up to her and even though she held his gaze, she felt her head tilting back. He was taller than she’d thought, a head taller than her, maybe more. Oh, don’t you dare, she said to herself, don’t you dare Sally Jackson. Don’t. You. Dare.

He took her hand, and rather than shake it, gently pressed his lips to it.

Well, that’s just over the top, she thought somewhat faintly.

She tucked her hair behind her ear nervously, “Won’t you introduce yourself?”

He tilted his head, “I have many names. Which one would you like?”

She bit her lip, tapping her finger to her chin, “Hmm. John?”

He shook his head.

“James?” No. “Harry?” No.

“Well, if you don’t mind, I think we’ll just stick with nothing.” She said, “I don’t see why you can’t be mysterious.”

“I’m not mysterious.” He said simply, “But you’ll have to ask me to get an answer. And maybe I’ll ask you one.”

She walked slowly with him through the waves, “What do you do?”

“I’m a fisherman by trade. Always at sea. And where are you, Sally Jackson, when the sun rises?”

“Me? Oh, I live in Manhattan. I’m a waitress, but I’ve always wanted to be a writer.”

“Ah, a writer. What do you want to write?”

She blushed, looked away. He struggled not to laugh.

“You’re going to laugh. Everyone does.”

“I’m not laughing, but then again, I’m not everyone.”

“Oh, fine.” She turned to him, “Just once, before I write anything serious and important, I’d like to write one of those little romance novels that people buy to read at the beach or on a plane.”

He had promised not to laugh, but he did smile, from ear to ear. The sight made her a little drunk and she pushed lightly on his shoulder, “Oh come on!”

He laughed out loud, a sound that echoed across the water, “In my entire life, I’ve never met someone who wanted to write the little romance novels people read on a weekend.”

“Well, maybe you don’t read them, but people do.” She said determinedly, “People need romance. It’s like the sea, it’s this thing that connects everything and everyone, and it’s powerful and beautiful and it’ll sweep you off your feet if you’re not looking.”

“Have you fallen yet?” He asked, “Has the sea already swept you away?”

She knew he was looking at her, but she couldn’t meet his gaze. She shook her head, “No, no, I-“ She looked at the setting sun, “I think that I’m not made for the romance I write.”

“Why’s that?” He asked softly.

She turned to him, trying to make the conversation lighter. “Come on!” She said, “I’m reckless. I mean, I just grabbed some cash and left. Who does that?”

He shrugged, but his eyes twinkled.

She looked down, “I got my brand new dress wet, you know that?” She sighed and then winked.

His eyes were the last thing she saw as she fell back into the surf.

The water was gentle, caressing her skin. She stood, dripping wet and laughing. The look on his face made her stop.

He was looking at her. Staring at her. Like she was something else. Something more. It’s as if his eyes were hers and hers only, for this moment and the next.

She felt embarrassed. Standing in a dress clinging to her skin, in front of a man she just met. She knew what her boyfriend would think, and she wondered how many plates it would take for him to calm down.

“Sally.”

Her eyes flicked up to him. He looked…different. More powerful. His brows were knit together, his eyes dark and unreadable. “What?” She walked up to him, “What did I?”

He reached out, his large hands featherlight, and touched the side of her ribs. He did it incredibly gently, but she knew what he saw. Indigo and violet and sickly yellow, the massive bruise on her side.

“Oh.” She said lightly, “Oh, I must have fallen.”

His eyes practically burned her, “Sally, I know what makes marks like these.”

As carefully as he could, he curled his hand around her ribs. His fingers were longer and wider, but the marks were identical. “Don’t tell me I’m overstepping.” He said quietly, “Not when you’re owed better than this.”

She pushed him hard, but he barely moved.

“Sally.” She kept walking, pushing her hair from her face, gasping for breath. What was she doing, on a beach in Montauk? Letting a man touch her, look at her like-like that? Her boyfriend would be waiting at home, with a beer bottle and a fist. A broken plate, her favorite plate.

“Sally-“ His hand closed around her wrist and she turned to him, face streaked with tears.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I am owed.” She said, her body shaking, “It’s none of your business what me and my-“

“Your what?” He said sharply, “Your lover? Tell me, Sally Jackson, do they write that in your romance books? Black and blue bruises, screaming fights, broken plates?”

She hesitated, “Broken plates? How did you-“

“Because I do.” He said simply, “Because when you’ve lived a life like I have, you know many women with bruises. The sea washes away many things, Sally, but it won’t help you forget.”

Her eyes narrowed, “Who are you?”

His eyes were sad, noble.

“Poseidon.” He replied, “God of the sea. The sea that washes away many things.” He took her hand and pressed it to her side. Her eyes widened. She looked down.

Her bruise had vanished.

“My dreams.” She said softly, “You. You called to me.”

He smiled gently, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear, “You came. The sea has always been your home, as it’s been mine.”

“I don’t understand.” She whispered, looking up at him, “Why? Why did you want me? When I’m-when I’m-“

His hands cradled her face, “Sally Jackson, you are worthy of the Manhattan skyline. Of every romance in the world. No man can diminish that, no matter what he tells you.”

She touched his face and he leaned into her hand. “In every dream, you were kind. In every memory of the sea, the sea has always been gentle to me.” She ran her thumb gently over his lips and he kissed her palm, “I knew you before I met you. And before I knew you, I wished I did.”

There were tears in his eyes. What power she must have, she thought to herself, to make the god of the sea weep saltwater tears. But she learned there were many kinds of salt.

The rough calluses of his hand in hers, skin hardened by years of salt. The way the sea water seemed to dance around them as he carried her through the higher tides. The salt of the air that made his hair ruffle in the winds, his eyes forever on her.

For days, she read out her stories and he laid on the sand and listened. He would hum in a quiet baritone, and for once, the waves hushed just so she could hear him sing. They swam until she got tired and he would wrap her in his arms and hold her until the stars came up.

He told her secrets, things no mortal ever knew. Scars on his body, and the memories from a thousand years ago. She could stare at him for hours, just to listen to his laugh or to see how his eyes gleamed when he looked at her.

One night, he gave her a pearl and she gave him a kiss. A kiss on salty lips, so tender that he swore to wear it on his mouth forever. But she knew and he knew, it couldn’t last.

The tide was going out and she stood in the sand. Holding her hand was a young boy, with sea green eyes and black hair. She wore the dress she wore the day they met. On her neck was a pearl.

He stood in the water, looking at her. She had hardly aged, but he felt as if he had lived a lifetime, captivated in her eyes. When he would return to the sea, it would be like it never happened. Except for a pearl, forever concealed in a band around his finger.

He could have made her a queen. He begged her, pleaded on his knees, but she just shook her head. She asked him to stay, and he knew he couldn’t. It was how things should be, would be, forever.

But still, when they both turned away, there was a little more saltwater in the sea.

Irondad references in Deadpool and Wolverine (2024)

—Their framed photo.

—Peter's Iron Man mask toy.

The Avengers (2012)

Broken Pieces

Lee Jihoon x fem!Reader

Genre: angst, fluff

Words: 5,3k

Warnings: protective bff & bias wrecker Choi Seungcheol; adult language; dumb and dumber, featuring awkward interactions.

[Soulmate AU] Your friend broke your soulmate's heart, leaving you to pick up the pieces of both his and your own heart.

(A spin-off / sequel to my soulmate!Kwon Soonyoung fic: "Right? Right.")

Your soulmate mark was a cat – just as your grandmother had predicted. Perhaps she knew what was good for you, perhaps she just knew you – either way she had been correct.

It was a doodle of a small fluffy cat who always seemed to be either busy or sleeping. Just like the marks of your friends, the cat went about its day on your wrist like an alive tattoo. Sometimes it slept, sometimes it read a book, sometimes it played piano – you wondered if your soulmate did the same.

The mark appeared on your sixteenth birthday and while you hoped you’d find your soulmate soon, it would be years until you saw him for the first time.

Your second year at university. That is when you met Lee Jihoon – handsome, soft-spoken, full of smiles and hope. He had chosen the same minor subject as you. 

At first you thought he was just another guy you’d have a crush on – just a hopeless short-term fantasy until you’d find the perfect person. But you were proven wrong four weeks into knowing him.

“Woah, careful there,” he spoke as he gently pushed you back upright after you had stumbled in the café. Queues are dangerous, you knew that already, but suddenly they were also a blessing. 

The moment his fingers touched your skin, a jolt of electricity ran through you. He seemed to pay it no mind, only offering you a friendly smile before turning back to his girlfriend. 

When you looked at your mark, the cat was clawing as if to break out of your skin and run to him. When you glanced at his wrist, a similar doodle – a spotted cat – was just as excited to meet your mark.

That was when you knew – Lee Jihoon was your soulmate. 

But the smile he offered to her told you that you stood no chance. Even if the fates had meant for you to meet and fall in love, your heart seemed to be meant to break. 

You cried yourself to sleep that night – whether from heartbreak or from the joy of finally finding him, you weren’t sure.

Months passed of just watching him. You didn’t dare to make conversation, didn’t dare to even look at him for long. Your heart ached for him. 

It was unfair to break his heart for stupid revenge. It was unfair to do his heart any harm at all. He deserved better.

Jihoon’s heart that held so much love once, and now you wondered if he would ever be able to feel love again at all – you didn’t think you would. Even just watching his heart break from the sidelines had been too painful. 

“Have you considered talking to him for a change?” Seungcheol suggested when he caught you staring at Jihoon at lunch. You failed to feel any amusement at his words even as he laughed at you.

Instead, you offered him a mild glare. “You think he’d want to talk to anybody after what he went through?”

“I mean,” Seungcheol thought for a moment before grimacing, “yeah, you have a point there.”

“I always have a point, Cheol,” you told him proudly and continued eating your food. “Besides, he probably wouldn’t talk to one of her friends anyway.”

Her. Han Eunmi. The girl who claimed to be his soulmate and broke his heart into a thousand pieces before you could tell him the truth and save him.

She had been your first friend at university. Her bright eyes and sweet smile were always the first to greet you in lectures. She always saved you a seat, even to this day. But something in her changed when she met her soulmate – you could barely recognise her anymore. Your best friend was your best friend no more.

“You should just grow some balls and tell him,” Seungcheol told you once again. He was all too familiar with the distant vengeful glint in your eyes. 

You wanted to kick him. “Says the one that still keeps covering his mark because of his commitment issues?” 

Glancing down at the near-comical amount of chain bracelets and the raccoon doodle sniffing around under them on his wrist, he pouted at your words. “I just don’t love the thought of soulmates.”

“No,” you laughed, “you just don’t like the thought of possibly getting your heart broken.”

“Then what’s your excuse?” 

Back when you first met him, you had felt so hopeful, so excited for your future. Watching him from afar was one thing, standing side-to-side with him in the café line was different. You could practically feel the fluffy cat on your wrist tugging you closer to him, scratching and jumping every time you moved your arm. 

But then she had uttered those words and your world collapsed inwards: “This is my boyfriend.” Even now you feel a little nauseous thinking about the moment: the self-satisfied smile on her face, the love-sick smile on his, his arm around her waist. You couldn’t even replay the memory in your head without wanting to cry.

You glanced towards Jihoon.

“He already got his heart broken,” you mumbled to Seungcheol dejectedly. “I don’t want to add to his problems.”

“I feel like finding his real soulmate would be the opposite of a problem for that poor guy,” Seungcheol said – no, stated. He was certain of his words. 

You wished they were true. With a sigh, you whispered, “Just leave it, Cheol. There’s no point anymore. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t even believe in soulmates anymore.”

It was obvious by the look in his eyes that Seungcheol wanted to argue. But he knew you well enough to not push it anymore.

“For this project, I need you guys to pair up,” professor Byun started, sounding about as tired as you felt in this 8 am class. Maybe he, too, craved an early coffee that he’d failed to acquire in his hurry to get to class on time. The thought made him a little more tolerable in your eyes.

“Do you guys want to pair up on your own or should I just do it myself?” he asked the class, but his eyes were practically begging you to choose the first option. Unluckily for your introvert self, the class immediately called out to pair up among themselves. He breathed out in relief just as you sighed in defeat. 

“Alright, I’ll give you guys…” He glanced at his watch and nodded. “Ten minutes to pick a partner and a movie from this list. Remember to write your names next to the movie title in the shared document on so that others know it’s taken. I’ll go and get some coffee in the meantime.”

As you looked around the lecture room, you found yourself making a wish for the floor to swallow you whole. 

No one in your limited friend group had picked this film studies class – most of them citing the 8 am time slot as the reason –, so who were you supposed to partner up with? A stranger who more than likely wouldn’t do any of the work or – even better and your personal favourite – would drop out of the course in the coming week and leave you without as much as a note. 

“Hey,” you then heard his voice and you didn’t know whether you felt nauseous from fear or excitement. You turned your head to find Jihoon standing right there, hand on the chair next to you, a tired look on his face – the same look he’d been wearing since Eunmi crushed his heart in her hands with a giggle. He took a deep hesitant breath. “Do you want to– You don’t have to but I don’t know anyone else in this class… So, maybe, you and I–”

Though a little breathless that he was even talking to you, you straightened in your seat and nodded. “Sure, we can partner up.”

A polite smile appeared on his lips before he pulled out a chair and sat next to you. He glanced at the film list projected onto the room’s screen. “So… Do you have a particular film you want to pick for this?”

You shook your head. “I was hoping you did.”

He grimaced and chuckled. “Well, at least we’re on the same page about that.”

As if we’re soulmates or something. You almost uttered those words. You were glad you caught them before they slipped out.

“Let’s–”

“Should we–”

“Oh.” He laughed. “You go first.”

“No, you.”

“No, you–” He sighed before suggesting, “First free film on the list?”

You nodded immediately. That had been your thought as well, after all. 

“So, what film is it?” he wondered, leaning over to read your laptop screen. Your rational brain wanted to shove him away; your emotional brain wanted to pull him even closer. It was hard to get anything done in that condition. 

You pulled yourself together, ignoring the sweet scent of his cologne and the almost-there tickle of his hair against yours, and scrolled through the shared document. “Let’s see… The Pianist, 2002.”

Jihoon’s brows rose in surprise. “I do love pianos.”

“I doubt it has a lot to do with pianos,” you mumbled, but didn’t need any further confirmation to put your names down next to the title. Both of your names. Next to each other. Your heart stuttered at the sight.

“It has to have at least a little bit to do with pianos,” he insisted with furrowed brows. You laughed, earning a disbelieving wide-eyed look from him. “No? You’re doubting it?”

“Maybe.”

He shook his head in mock disappointment before relaxing in his chair again. “So, when do you want to work on this project? I’m free to meet on Mondays.”

It was your turn to look at him with wide eyes, lips parting in surprise. “You… want to meet? In person?”

He blinked. “Yes? Like normal people? Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, no, it’s just that–” You took a deep breath under his watchful eyes. “I figured that after what happened with Eunmi, you’d–”

“Dig myself a cave to die in? Stop socialising completely?” He sighed and looked away. “Look: as long as you don’t bring her around to our meetings, we’ll be fine. I just– I don’t even want to be in the same building as her.” His gaze was sharp when he looked at you again. “And I’m only tolerating you because of this class.”

Were words supposed to hurt like that?

“So, Monday, in the library?” he spoke again as if he hadn’t just thrown a metaphorical dagger into your heart. 

You nodded. “I’ll see you Monday.”

He didn’t speak another word to you in that entire class.

Seungcheol was quick to notice your mood being more dejected than usual at lunch. Affectionate by nature, his fingers reached across the picnic table to find yours and give them a little squeeze.

The gesture only made you want to cry more: why couldn’t he be your soulmate instead?

“Did something happen in class?” he asked, eyeing you cautiously. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing.” A complete lie and even he knew it.

He called out your name in a warning tone – like a father getting ready to reprimand his rebellious child. “What happened and what can we do to fix it?”

“I don’t think there’s any way to fix anything,” you mumbled and lifted your fork to your lips to take a bite of your lunch. There was no joy in the taste of your favourite meal on this day.

Seungcheol frowned. “Is this about Jihoon again? What happened this time?” 

“He wanted to pair up for a project,” you told him and his expression morphed into a bright smile – one that screamed “See! I told you he’d see the light!” – but his face promptly dropped into a scowl when you added on, “and then he told me that he only tolerated me because of our film studies class.”

“He said that?” he spoke lowly. 

“His exact words.” It wasn’t even like he actually intentionally broke your heart. It must have been the stupid soulmate bond acting up and making you more emotional about this than necessary. “I don’t know why I’m so sad about this.”

“He’s cruel. That’s why.” 

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true though. He’s cruel and he’s dumb and he doesn’t deserve you.” He nodded his head in confirmation when you looked up at him again. 

You scoffed out a laugh. “Why do you think he’s dumb anyway? He does well in our classes.”

“He may be academically gifted but he had his soulmate under his goddamn nose this whole time and he didn’t even realise,” he practically whined. “If that’s not dumb, I’m the king of Korea.”

You contemplated for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should just give up this fantasy of mine and find someone who actually likes me.”

“You– I–” His frown deepened almost comically. “That is not what I meant at all.”

“You just said–”

“Stop listening to what I say!”

You rolled your eyes. “Thank god you’re not my soulmate.”

“Okay, I’m not that bad.”

“You’re awful.”

“And yet you stick around.”

Your gaze drifted to where Jihoon was seated under a maple tree with his friends. “Maybe I just have bad taste.”

[I’ll be waiting at 3 in the library. Room A232. – Jihoon]

Seungcheol mumbled something under his breath as he accompanied you to the library. Before you could ask him about it, he turned to you. “Can’t you just tell him you’re his soulmate? What’s the worst that could happen?”

You stared at him. He quickly realised the error of his words.

“I just mean that maybe he’d like to know. Maybe he’d act a little warmer towards you if he did.”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting him to treat me like,” you said. “He knows me as Eunmi’s friend. As someone complicit in the worst lie of his life. He’s treating me very nice all things considered.”

“Well, he still should know,” he decided. “If you don’t tell him, I will.”

You rolled your eyes. “Whatever you say, big guy. I’ll see you in the journalism section in a few hours?”

He sighed. “As always. Wake me up when you’re ready to go.”

And just like that, he picked a direction and headed that way – to his lonely little napping spot between shelves of journalism guidebooks. It was a good thing he got along so well with the librarians.

Though you weren’t a stranger to this library, you still felt a little out of place this time. Maybe it was the nerves of meeting Jihoon again. You hadn’t seen him even once outside of the one film studies class you both took. 

Or perhaps you were just anxious about the fact that you had failed to watch the film due to reasons out of your control. Lee Jihoon was notorious for having a short fuse with his peers. You weren’t sure you could handle falling even further down his list.

The plaque on the door read A232. You double-checked it. Triple. Four times. Five–

Jihoon startled you by opening the door. “Are you going to come in or do you expect a formal invitation?”

“I… was just checking,” you mumbled and brushed past him into the little study room. You placed your things down opposite of the seat he had occupied. This was it – the end of your life. You hadn’t even said goodbye to Seungcheol. You sighed, closed your eyes in anticipation of the scolding that would follow, and confessed, “I didn’t watch the film. I’m sorry.”

You were ready for an onslaught of sharp words, the scolding of a lifetime, maybe even some screaming and him telling you that you were just as bad as Eunmi.

But it never came. 

He sat down and hummed. “Yeah, I didn’t have time to watch it either.”

Dumbfounded, you opened your eyes to stare at him. He felt your gaze on him and looked up from his screen with an awkward tight-lipped smile. “What?”

“I thought you’d yell at me,” you spoke faster than your filter could catch. 

He chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. “I thought you were going to yell at me.”

“What now?” you thought out loud. You hadn’t prepared for this scenario, not even close.

Jihoon made faces – scrunching up his face and frowning between silly smiles and pursed lips – as he considered the options. “We could… watch it now?”

“Like, now?”

He nodded slowly. “I don’t have any plans for the next couple of hours. Do you?” You shook your head, too speechless to actually respond. “Then let’s watch it. I have a speaker somewhere in my bag– Hold on. I’ll get it.”

Your brain was severely lagging behind. You hadn’t even realised the implications of his words. Your jaw dropped. “You mean–? You want to watch it together? Here?”

“I mean,” he paused and looked at you, “I wouldn’t mind picking a different place. We could go to the courtyard. Or a café. Well, probably not a café but–”

“There’s a lounge room on the third floor,” you blurted out. “There are sofas and a vending machine.”

Jihoon brightened up at your words. “That sounds perfect. Let’s go?”

“Sure,” you breathed out, unable to believe this was happening at all. 

It took barely 5 minutes for the two of you to get to the lounge room. Jihoon was quick to occupy a three-person sofa in the corner of the room, right between the vending machine and the ceiling high window. With a victorious smile, he patted the spot next to him. 

You must have been too slow for his liking because tilted his head to the side, eyes still on you. “Did you want this spot instead? I’m okay with either. Just say the word.”

You said nothing and took the spot he had previously offered. The less you spoke, the less likely you were to piss him off – it was only logical. 

As you sat there and waited for him to set up his laptop and speaker, you glanced at your wrist. The fluffy cat on your skin was endlessly, tirelessly running towards him, looking back at you as if to convince you to reach for Jihoon. 

You looked to his wrist instead, wondering, perhaps hoping that you’d find a similar doodle trying to get to you. Even if it just glanced, just to confirm. But his soulmate mark was hidden, covered with a black wrist support.

He glanced back at you before lifting said wrist. “Are you looking at this?”

Cursing yourself for getting caught staring, you nodded and tried to act like your ears and cheeks weren’t burning. 

He shrugged. “My wrist hurts sometimes. Nothing to worry about.”

Deflecting. You knew him well enough to know that even if he was telling the truth, it was only half of one. He was lying to save his pride.

“My roommate has the same one,”  you said, deciding to go along with his narrative. “She says it doesn’t help a lot though.”

“It’s the cheapest one I could find,” he replied with a shrug before turning back to his laptop, searching for the film. “Do you live at the dorms?”

“Yep.” But he knew this already. He used to visit Eunmi there, right across the hall from you. You cleared your throat and willed the thought to go away. “That’s why I didn’t manage to watch the film. I was going to watch it over the weekend, but the dormitory wi-fi was the slowest it has ever been.”

He scoffed on your behalf. “That sounds awful. What did you do in the meantime then?”

“My roommate had to bring out the board games. So, Monopoly.”

He laughed and sat back on the sofa, leaning closer to you to hear more. “That almost sounds even worse. Any friendships ruined that night?”

“No, no, you don’t understand,” you laughed along, almost forgetting you were nervous to be around him in the first place, “we played Monopoly for two days straight. The same game. It just didn’t end. My roommate and her boyfriend are no longer on speaking terms.”

“Monopoly truly does ruin relationships.” He laughed harder, almost leaning against you entirely in the fit of giggles. “Did you win? Who won?”

“I came in third place.”

“Out of three?”

You nodded shamefully as he laughed even harder, this time fully resting his head on your shoulder. He quickly leaned away though, much to your disappointment, but his giggles never ceased. It was the most beautiful sound you had ever heard.

Despite the shared laughter at your study sessions and sitting together in class, Jihoon never acknowledged you outside of the lecture room. He barely even glanced your way when you passed him in the hallways; he definitely never returned any waves or even nods. You weren’t sure whether to laugh or cry.

Seungcheol was left to gather the pieces of your confidence. Though he was vehement that there was no soulmate for him and he’d be happy being single his entire life, he refused to let you suffer the same fate. 

It was already getting painful to watch you mimic his habit: hiding the fluffy cat under a variety of bracelets and wristbands, covering it with long sleeves whenever the weather allowed. Your hope had turned into anxiety in front of his very eyes and he’d be damned if he let you continue down this path.

“If you don’t tell him, I will.” – he was going to stand by these words. Even when you practically begged him not to.

“He won’t like it,” you’d told him. 

“He’d be upset with the both of us,” you’d scolded him when he presented the idea again two weeks later.

“Why would he even believe you?” you’d scoffed.

He decided he’d make Jihoon believe him. So, after sending you off to class, he located your soulmate in the same lounge room you’d introduced to him. He was even resting on the same sofa.

Seungcheol stood in front of him and cleared his throat. 

Jihoon straightened up immediately at that, pulling his laptop screen down. “Can I help you with something?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“About…?” Jihoon scoffed when Seungcheol offered him no further context. “Listen, if this is about something (Y/n) said or did–”

“She never told you, did she?” he asked. “You still don’t know.”

His counterpart blinked. “Know what? What is this? Do you have no one else to play mind games with?”

“Jihoon,” he sighed, “she’s your soulmate.”

His words were met with a frown. “What nonsense are you speaking now? No, first you barge in here, and now you’re making up stories– Does she know you’re here?”

“She knows I made a promise. For her.” Seungcheol closed his eyes and spoke as calmly as he could, “She’s your soulmate. She’s the little spotted cat on your wrist. You’ve been breaking her heart this entire time and I’m sick of it.”

Jihoon’s frown deepened. His hand clenched into a fist in his lap as he spoke, “If she’s– Why didn’t she say anything?”“That you’ll have to ask her yourself. I just came here to balance the scales – it seemed unfair that she suffer with the knowledge but you break her heart with every word.” Seungcheol sighed and opened his eyes again, gaze hardening. “What you do with this knowledge is up to you. But if you break her heart any further, I will break you.”

You were blissfully unaware of your best friend’s actions. In fact, you hadn’t seen him since lunch. You had been preoccupied with making the slides of your film studies presentation more,–well–, presentable.

The courtyard was a perfect spot for drawing inspiration for slide designs: the fresh air did wonders to your brain and the constant distant chatter of your fellow students served as white noise. You were on a roll. 

Who knows, you thought to yourself, maybe Jihoon will even grace you with his proud smile when you show him the presentation.

Suddenly, a strange feeling filled you. You habitually glanced down at your wrist – the cat was standing on his hind legs, as if trying to peek over a fence to see what was in front of you. Like he was expecting his owner back from a long trip.

“So it really is you,” you then heard his voice. 

Your head snapped up to look at Jihoon standing right in front of you, his eyes trained on his own wrist – miraculously uncovered this time, the usual black band crumpled in his other hand. 

Your voice and words betrayed you, they left you fighting in the battle field all alone. You gulped. Instead of acknowledging his words, as if doing so would make the situation disappear, you turned your laptop his way. Your voice wavered as you told him, “I made some changes to the slides. Thought it would look better if we made them prettier. What do you think?”

But Jihoon kept staring at his wrist as if you weren’t even there. How could he not stare at the spotted cat he’d spent all these years mindlessly glancing at, following, and talking to in the moonlight? The cat who had once stood for a broken dream now stood for a new hope. 

Finally, he tore his eyes from the cat – the mark of you – and looked at you instead. There was something so incredibly sorrowful about the look in his eyes, you could barely fight the urge to cry. He didn’t bother to do the same. 

A tear slipped down his cheek as he shakily breathed out. “You could’ve told me, (Y/n). Why wouldn’t you– Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid,” you confessed, avoiding his eyes. “I didn’t think you’d want to know. Not after what she did to you.”

He scoffed. “You watched her lie and break my heart and it never occurred to you to just… tell me? To just say you were the one? That I was looking the wrong way?”

You wanted the ground to take you away. It would’ve hurt less than this confrontation. All of these eyes curiously watching from a distance, the whole campus witnessing him breaking your heart – it was too much. Even if he was right to be mad. 

“Jihoon…”

“What were you so afraid of?” he wondered, frown deepening and voice raising by the word. “That I would reject you in favour of her? That she would stop being your friend because you foiled her plans? I don’t know if you’ve noticed but she’s clearly not a good friend so why are you still siding with her?!”

“I’m not!”

“It sure seems that way!”

You glared at him. “I stopped talking to Eunmi the minute she told me what she had done!” 

Jihoon expression softened at your words. So did yours. You sniffled. “I had already let her go too far because she was the only friend I had when I first came here. She was the only friend I had known. I didn’t want to lose both my best friend and my soulmate. I thought–” You took a deep breath and avoided his eyes. “I thought if I couldn’t have my soulmate, I’d at least have a loyal friend who wouldn’t let me feel lonely. I was mistaken.”

Running his fingers through his hair, he sighed. His arm dropped, his eyes following as if to make sure the spotted cat remained. 

“You should’ve told me,” he whispered once again before stepping closer, crouching to your level. He sighed once more. Then you felt warm fingers around your wrist. “Had you told me–”

“Just reject me and be done with it,” you begged. “Don’t make this even worse. I deserve my heart shattered, but at least make it quick.”

He frowned. “You didn’t even let me finish.”

“Then finish quicker. I still have a presentation to–”

“Had you told me,” he started again, more assertively this time, his hand holding yours tightly as if to anchor you to him, “I would’ve rejected her and run to you back then already. I would’ve believed you without any hesitation. But seeing as that didn’t happen,” he sighed and you braced yourself for a proper heartbreak, “I guess we’ll just have to make up for lost time.”

Your heart stopped beating. At least it felt like it did. Your eyes widened while searching his. Instead of a scowl or a frown or a glare, you found yourself on the receiving end of a fond smile. 

Your jaw dropped. “Are you serious?!”

“As serious as Seungcheol is about breaking me if I break your heart,” he promised with a soft laugh. His fingers still never left your hand, only sliding down to lock with yours.

You groaned and closed your eyes in despair. “...He’s the one that told you.”

“I’m glad he did,” he laughed, “because I don’t think you would’ve told me for a while, and I certainly wouldn’t have figured it out anytime soon.”

“We’re both dumb, aren’t we?” you mumbled, finally opening your eyes again once the embarrassment faded. 

“Complete idiots, the both of us.”

“Soulmates,” you joked.

“Soulmates,” he confirmed with a laugh.

You still wondered though. “Why aren’t you more mad at me?”

He shrugged and sat down next to you, shoulder to shoulder, on purpose this time. “I thought I was at first. But I don’t think you’re at fault for what Eunmi did to me. You were just trying your to be a good friend.” Seeing your sheepish smile, he nudged you playfully before whispering, “Plus, I’m not entirely sure I could take Seungcheol in a fight.”

You laughed. “I guess that’s one perk of being his friend.”

Jihoon smiled. “He seems like a great friend. I like him better than I liked Eunmi.”

“I do too.”

“What do you say we give this a proper try?” he suggested, holding out his hand for you to take, the doodle-like cat on his wrist full on display.

You smiled. When you lifted your hand to meet his, the fluffy cat rushed to meet his spotted one where your skin touched. Their noses pressed together happily, the cats nuzzling into each other’s necks after finally meeting each other after all this time of being so close but never close enough. 

“I’d like that,” you told him and he breathed out in relief. 

With the awkward distance out of the way, sitting beside him didn’t feel as nerve-wracking as it once had. It felt natural to be in his presence now. You wondered if you’d be drawn to him soon, just as your soulmate marks were drawn to each other.

“How did you find me here anyway?” you asked him after a moment of silence.

He shrugged. “I followed the cat. Figured that if Seungcheol was right, the mark would lead me right to you.” He gestured around. “It did.”

“Huh.” You pursed your lips in thought before giggling. “I guess I should’ve tried that when I was looking for you earlier.”

“Earlier? Today?” he wondered.

You remembered your laptop all of a sudden, pulling it closer to the two of you. “I made some changes to our presentation. I wanted to show you and then we could maybe work on it a little. Hold on.”

“Right now?” He seemed amused at the idea when you nodded. “Sure, we could do that. Or, – hear me out –, we could go on a little date to make up for lost time.”

But as tempting as that sounded… 

“The presentation is due tomorrow morning, Jihoon.”

He grimaced. “Brunch date tomorrow then?”

“... I could fit that into my schedule.”

Note: I only wrote this so I'd have an excuse to later write cute university boyfriend / soulmate Jihoon fics as sequels lol

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