Hi, Cassie! I Just Found Your Blog Today And I Am Obsessed To Say The Least. Your Recaps Are Hilarious

My Top Independence Day Movies (Independence Day not included)

Yes, you read that right. I am not including the seminal Will Smith action flick Independence Day in my list of most patriotic movies. Do I always enjoy a viewing of it? Sure, but it doesn't exactly need my endorsement. Let's take a look at some lesser known, equally good films that would perfectly accent your July 4th and why you should choose them over the Patriot or Top Gun or Die Hard (which is a Christmas movie anyway).

1)      Waiting for Guffman (1997) – A mockumentary style film from Christopher Guest and Co. (This is Spinal Tap; Best in Show; A Mighty Wind). It follows a group of small-town-American characters as they prepare for the fictional Blaine, Missouri’s sesquicentennial celebration, the centerpiece of which is a musical covering the town’s history called “Red, White, & Blaine.” It is a hilarious portrait of the American spirit captured in all the bizarre, oddities of the classic Small Town. You’ll find yourself quoting your favorite moments for years to come.

2)      Drop Dead Gorgeous (1999) –Another mockumentary that chronicles small-town American life, this time in Mt. Rose. Minnesota. We follow the various contestants in the Mt. Rose Miss American Teen Princess beauty pageant, and the contestants range from the dopey cheerleader (Amy Adams in her film debut) to the theater geek (Brittany Murphy at her absolute best) to sweet underdog protagonist who practices her tap dancing while working in the morgue (Kirsten Dunst). This movie moves seamlessly from the sublime to the ridiculous, satirizing not only beauty pageants but the politics of the Midwest small-town. Another one with quotable moments every other minute.

3)      Wet Hot American Summer (2001) – Everyone in this movie is someone who has made you laugh till your stomach hurts in something (or everything) else they have done in their careers. Pulling heavily from members of the sketch comedy group The State, it has everyone from David Hyde Pierce to Amy Poehler to Molly Shannon to Paul Rudd to Ken Marino to an infantile Bradley Cooper (AND MANY, MANY MORE!). Directed by David Wain (Role Models; Wanderlust), we see the goings on of the last day at Camp Firewood and mainly the romantic endeavors of the counselors and camp directors. It is weird and offbeat and joyous and dark and a beautiful picture of the kind of summer we all wish we could have again (kind of – give or take a few things like refrigerator humping). Oh yeah, did I mention beloved Detective Stabler, Christopher Meloni, humps a refrigerator?

  4)      Captain America : the First Avenger (2011) – BECAUSE – DUH. It would not be a proper list of All-American movies if I neglected to include All-American superhero Captain America portrayed by All-American beef cake Chris Evans. It takes place during World War II the most nostalgically “good-guys” period of American history, there is a song entitled “The Star Spangled Man with a Plan” and Steve Rodgers is…hoo…he is, uhh…the kind of man with the kind of courage, heart, head of hair, and muscles I think we all wish we could be (myself included). It’s got a good little story and a good bit of action and just a little splash of romance to make a great 4th of July flick. And also, look, yeah, if maybe you double featured this with Marvel's the Avengers I’m not going to do anything to stop you that sounds great.

Henley Monday -

Hi everyone! I hope you're pulling through as best you can today. I'll keep it short and get straight to the henley point: How adorable is Martin Freeman here? Can you even handle it? I barely can.

He is every bit a classic, charming off-beat and insanely talented Brit who brings great joy to me in all his roles. He brings great joy to me here as well in such soothing blue tones with a cheeky little grin. Thanks for the pick-me-up Martin!

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

Lilith Fare: Highlights from the True Blood Season 5 Finale

"OH. MY. GAH. SHHHHHH."

Those are the exact words I announced to my empty living room this rainy Sunday night as the final few seconds of True Blood Season 5 unfolded before me.

There was no better way to end the most bat-sh*t crazy season yet than with a bat-sh*t crazy episode with the bat-sh*ttiest, craziest last ten minutes, possibly in television history.

In its honor, I present to you my top five highlights from "Save Yourself", oh, and in case it isn't obvious SPOILERS AHOY:

1) Eric's 1000 Year-Old Vengeance Accomplished: Although Russel Edgington's power-crazed, southern charm filled, perfectly coiffuered presence was one of the high points of this season (Him and Steve Newlin slow dancing to "Teenage Dream" over the corpses of drained frat brothers), he had to go. And the only just way for him to meet the true death, was for Eric Northman to finally take care of that 1000 year-old vengeance left over from the vicious slaying of all the Northman's but young Prince Eric. It also looked pretty cool, and once again saved Sookie's ass in the nick of time.

2) SWAT-team Jason: Jason has become my favorite character on this show. He's good-lookin, hilariously dim-witted, and he has the purest heart and the best of intentions. Credit must be given to Ryan Kwanten for pulling off a character with that much range. But! Tonight's arc showed poor Jason suffering from acute FIPTSD (Faery Induced Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), resulting in hallucinations of his parents encourging him on a vamp-hating mission. His best side appeared when the break-out crew arrived at the compound and he went action-hero on those vamps with kill shots and desk diving and general day-saving. Go Jay! Love Jessica, though! Really!

3) Eric's Entrances - There's a lot they get so terribly wrong on this show, but one thing they always hit on the spot is how to choreograph Eric Northman's entrances. Whether he is just in time to kill a villain, showing up to Sookie's house, or walking in on Bill going nuts, he arrives in style. The best entrance from this episode by far was when his upside-down head popped into the truck window as Jason was driving them to New Orleans. Scary, then awesome, then hilarious as he begs "Pleeease!" As Retta said, "Eric's got jokes!"

4) Best Vampire Death Evaaarrr - Sam remains super hot, super scruffy and super loyal, and Luna remains the most annoying and unnecessary character on the show. This lent itself perfectly to the best.vampire death.ev.ar. Sam exploding through Chancellor Rosalyn and just standing there covered in her entrails was so gross it was hilarious and thoroughly satisfying. It also freaked out Luna and probably gave Emma some severe emotional scarring, but that's something we will not have to deal with if Lilith be merciful. Speaking of...

5) Billith Fair - Bloody Hell! My mouth was hanging open for the full final 3 minutes of this episode. Sookie crying and Bill being the WORST and then Bill drinking ALL the Lillith blood then Bill EXPLODING then Eric comforting the weeping Sookie then the blood puddle undulating and reforming into the body of a blood-covered, crazy, HUGE fanged reincarnation of Lillith through Bill. Or, as he shall be forever hence be known: Billith. 

My thoughts exactly, guys. Can't wait until next season!!!

The Many Gifts of Paul F. Tompkins -

It is an indisputable fact that Paul F. Tompkins is a giver. He is a dapper gentlemen, a character actor at a genius level, everyone's favorite podcast guest and podcast-er. He is a giver who won't stop giving us delightful comedy treats.

His Youtube interview series "Speakeasy" is just one of the latest delights put forth by Mr. Tompkins. Each week he gets a superstar of the acting and/or comedy world (Aziz Ansari, Damien Lewis, Judy Greer, and Tony Hale to name a few). The interviews are a great peak behind great entertainers that break them down into real people and then blow you away with their hard work and artistry.

This week's episode with Mark-Paul Gosselaar is on the shorter side at 13 minutes, but you won't even notice it. Nor will you notice the time passing as you go down the rabbit hole with the next interview that you just can't miss. Enjoy! Happy passing the time like lightening! Bless and keep you PFT!

your bachelor recaps make my life. muchas graciassss!!!!

De nada mi amor!!! The fact that people read and enjoy them makes MY life, so we're even. We're just all in this big beautiful psychologically damaging journey to find love together.

Henley Monday - I don't know you guys, maybe it's the chili I made our maybe it's the Winter Olympics in full swing, but this Monday was not so bad. I think it's definitely the Olympics. They lift me up and inspire me and also there are so many beautiful v international make athletes. It's truly a gift in the middle of this more than harsh winter. In any case, here is Richard Armitage looking fine so fine. Be bad with your British self, Richard! MMM MHMM!

Henley Monday -

I'm pretty sure this is the end times. My bathroom won't stop flooding, I have nowhere to watch the Emmy's tonight, and every news channel looks like scenes from the Leftovers.

But lo, what light through yonder henley breaks, it is Ike Barinholtz, hands down the funniest character on the Mindy Project and he is clad in a grey henley holding and parading B.J. Novak's book "One More Thing".

That's a good thing. And Mindy Project season two just came out on DVD so yeah, that's TWO good things. 

Well the reason I watched The Bachelorette last year was because they were advertising our first season of The Bachelor everywhere (I'm Australian) and I remembered seeing parts of Trista Rehn's season years ago. I really enjoyed the Australian Bachelor & I would recommend it but apart from that I haven't seen any other version. There is a second Australian season later this year but no Aussie Bachelorette yet :( I'm tempted to watch the Canadian Bachelor though!

Everyone, let's all get down on our knees and thank MyLatestDream for brining international versions of The Bachelor Franchise to our attentions.

That is so amazing. I think now that we have some downtime before Andi's season starts (yay Andi!), I'll try out Aussie and Canadian bachelor. I'm typically a bigger fan of the Bachelorette, so I hope Australia gets one soon! Thanks for the vital info, you're the best gal!

This research is going to be so fun too, for instance IS THERE IRISH BACHELOR?

The Bachelor - Episode 6 Recap

WITH NO ADIEU WHATSOEVER WE JUMP RIGHT INTO WHERE WE LEFTOFF LAST WEEK WITH KELSEY ON THE GROUND IN HYSTERICS AND AN AUSTRALIAN EMT WITH WORLD’S LONGEST BRAID COMING TO HER AID.

Kelsey is breathing heavily and sobbing so loudly she might attract the coyotes. The other women are looking around with vague concern, but most are wondering how much of this is theatrics and how much is reality. They agree that she is a master manipulator.

As the EMT is asking how much pain she’s in on a scale of one to ten, and Kelsey responds that she’s not in any pain. She is sitting upright with an oxygen mask and looking around with her milk-saucer sized eyes. Someone asks if there’s anyone she can get for her (because none of the women are coming to calm her down or care for her) and Kelsey responds, so coolly, “Chris.” And looks around with a glint in those murderous milk-saucer eyes.

The women agree that she’s using this to manipulate Chris to make sure she gets a rose. Kelsey herself calls that out saying to one of the EMTs, “I’m definitely getting a rose tonight!”

Uhhh, I mean yeah probably, but this is a LOT of rigmarole to lure a man into starting a magnificent journey of love with you.  Chris comes in and gives some empty words of encouragement to her. Kelsey tries to blame it on the fact that Chris sharing their conversation from earlier surprised her.

While Kelsey settles back in amongst the women, she appears right as rain and downright proud of herself for snagging some extra time with Chris. Every other woman is not only highly suspicious but super annoyed with this whole “wounded widow” act Kelsey is putting on. Ashley jokes to camera to make sure they have paper work on the whole “widow” thing because she could just be making that up. Trust me Ashley; I have thought the same thing. That girl is rehearsed like a high school production of “Our Town”.

We still have to get to a rose ceremony. What’s fun is that you can tell how much all the women are shivering out in the cold on the patio of this New Mexico resort. Jade gets called first, then Kaitlyn, now Megan, then Becca, next is Ashley, and the final rose goes to Kelsey. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BUT YES BECAUSE I HAVE TO SEE HOW THIS PLAYS OUT BUT NOOOOOOOOO.

This means the silent but alluring Samantha is going home as well as our twenty-one-year-old single mom Mackenzie. Oh Mackenzie, go home to Kale and begin to rebuild. You deserve so much better than Chris Soules. And Samantha, I mean, she wasn’t allowed to speak but have you SEEN HER? SHE’S DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. REBUILD, SAM, REBUILD! YOU WILL FIND A REAL CATCH BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT? YOUR EYES LOOK LIKE THE TIDE POOLS OF FIJI AT SUNRISE!

Ugh. We say goodbye to those gals, and hop onto plains to Deadwood, South Dakota for the week. It is beautiful and grand and as much like the old frontier as you can get in America. “This is where Wild Bill Hickok was killed. This is where Calamity Jane…did her business,” Chris tells us of historic Deadwood. Cool. Calamity Jane definitely did some business. That’s for sure, Chris.

The girls scream “Hello, Deadwood!” off the balcony of their Modest-Ass Suite. We had to yell “Hello, [Location]!!!” at some point, so why not in Deadwood, South Dakota I ask you?

Amidst all the nerves of the dreaded two-on-one that looms this week, Becca gets her first one-on-one date. Becca is beautiful and sweet, and thanks to editing, has been a dark horse up until this point. Kelsey is of course very displeased that she was not granted the highest honor of a one-on-one even though she EARNED IT.

Chris is excited for their date today, and he notes that Becca is the only remaining woman that he has not yet kissed. Becca is so beautiful and cute for this date in a little baggy sweater with black jeans action. Love it. Like her. They are going horseback riding! She’s super excited, and I would be too. There is just something that makes beautiful scenery viewed from horseback all the more majestic. Why is that?

But meanwhile, back at the ranch, Carly leads the discussion on what we don’t like about Kelsey. Now Carly, I love you girl, but this is a dangerous path on which you tread. It never pays to be the one to call someone else out on their shit. But with the encouragement of Kaitlyn and Whitney, when Kelsey sits down in the living room of the Modest-Ass Suite, Carly starts in.

Whitney opens up about her feelings about how uncomfortable it made her feel when Kelsey would randomly start laughing at the last rose ceremony which Kelsey flat out denies. Whitney diplomatically continues explaining how her actions on that night at the rose ceremony made her and the other women uncomfortable. Kelsey starts to cry as she explains just how emotionally vulnerable she was and how her thoughts were with Chris.

We move along from the rose ceremony drama to Carly flat out saying that what they see in Kelsey is very different from what Chris sees, especially regarding the way Kelsey can be so snide and mean with the other girls. I almost believe Kelsey when she tells them that she doesn’t know what they mean and is so sorry for having accidentally hurt their feelings.

Straight cut to her explaining to the cameras that she was “blessed with eloquence” and is “educated” and uses “big words” which intimidates the women. Yes, Kelsey, that’s it.  You’re just too smart. You’re too smart for all these other ninnies. This is the way to get ahead. Cut down all the other women down around you. She ends the talk by saying, “I’m really glad we had this conversation. I will really try to be more mindful.” And she ends her talking-head by saying that she didn’t go through all her “sh*t” to be defeated by petty women, oh no. “I came here to win,” she says.

Believe it or not, there’s still a date going on out there somewhere in South Dakota! Chris and Becca approach a little bonfire and couch set-up, about which Becca asks, “Is this for us?” If I had a donut for every time a woman on this show asked “is this for us?” about a blatantly obvious set-up for just two people on a date, I would easily have three bakers’ dozens of donuts. That’s 39 donuts.

Becca and Chris giggle a lot together and interview each other about their five year plans! WHAT FUN. WHAT A FUN DATE QUESTION. They talk about kids and other typical Bachelor crap like past relationships. Being able to open up to Chris is significant for Becca! She really wants Chris to kiss her now that they’ve grown closer. Chris gives her the rose through a fit of giggles and kisses her like she’s his grandma in church. But Becca comes back in for the kill and really hardcore macks him on the second try. Way to go girl.

Group date time! The women WANT to be on this card because if they aren’t, it’s the dreaded two-on-one. Whitney, Jade, Britt, Kaitlyn, Carly, and Megan are on the group date. They breathe a sigh of relief as Kelsey and Ashley realize they are left on the two-on-one. Ashley is excited to be challenged with defeating Kelsey, while Kelsey feels like it’s just a one-on-one because he’ll send Ashley home right away.

For the group date, would you stretch your mind to believe that Chris is excited? The date card said, “Let’s make sweet music together,” so the women really hope they’re singing or dancing. Chris explains that he loves country music, and it’s a HUGE part of his life (yeah dude, Paul Simon’s a big part of mine but you don’t see me FORCING MY SIGNIFICANT OTHERS TO LISTEN TO “ST. JUDY’S COMET” AND WEEP WITH ME ALL THE TIME). They are going to be making some country music, and they’ll be helped along the way by Big and Rich. They are embarrassing to look at. Whitney is thrilled out of her mind. This is the duo that brought “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” to the dj’s of high school dances all around the country. So now you know how to find them and possibly destroy them. They must atone.

Carly is super excited to be part of this date as she is a singer herself. I hope that actually works in her favor because the girl or guy who is like, “THIS IS MY THIIIIING” on a date usually fades into the background while the underdog shines. The women peel off to start writing a song and wait for their consultation with Big and Rich. It’s so embarrassing to watch them pander to Big and Rich, and Big and Rich pretending to be cool with this whole situation and for the women to pretend to be excited about this. One of them, Big or Rich, whichever one looks like Tim Burton styled Tom Waits makes Jade run down the streets to free up her creative juices. The music is triumphant. I just….ugh.

Right as Jade is starting to feel confident about her song-writing skills, Chris walks in to have some very intimate time with Britt in the middle of the room with all the other women. He kisses her a bunch, and they were completely intertwined the whole time they were talking. The heat between the two of them is intense, while the general feeling in the room is chilly.

But let this Vaudevillian variety show of horrors begin! The women anxiously await their turn, but not to be outdone in embarrassment, Chris gets up and goes first with HIS song. He is accompanied by a grizzled old timey prospector on banjo. GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER IS THE STAR OF THIS SHOW. HE’S NOT WEARING A RING! GRIZZLED OLD BANJO PLAYER FOR THE NEXT BACHELOR!

Chris’s song rhymes and is about looking for a wife to bring home to Iowa. Seems about right. Next is Britt who is dressed just like Kelly Kapowski. Her song was really simple, and Chris says he almost cried during it. Like…what? Chris has boner goggles on for Britt and Britt alone. We see bits and pieces of everyone else’s songs. They’re mostly not great. Kaitlyn swears. But everyone gives it gusto. A for effort as they say. Carly’s song was intense and special because she sang it right to Chris as he sat next to her on the stage. Chris was really impressed with her lyrical content. Still love Carly.

Jade is wracked with nerves and is so sweet and timid up on stage. Her singing is not great, but she makes it through! She’s relieved to have merely survived.

They start the cocktail party with a toast to songwriting. The most notable thing about the party is that there is no rose present. Carly really, really wants the rose not just because she wrote a pretty song, but because in that song she opened up to Chris about how much she really feels for him. Everyone has their nice little chats with Chris, and then it’s time for Britt.

Chris explains the “weird chemistry” they have and how he doesn’t quite understand it yet. He then takes her hand and literally runs out of the bar with her saying, “I’ve got a surprise for you.” Is it your dong on a silver platter, Chris? It might as well be.

Everyone else on the date notices their exit right away. Emotions run high. Whitney cries a bit as she tells us that, “It honestly feels like we’re on the Britt and Chris show.”

The pair runs across the bustling town of Deadwood to the Big and Rich concert where they dance and have a splendid time. When the duo calls Britt and Chris up on stage, Britt parades around in awe and wonderment. Tim-Burton-Tom-Waits makes Chris go get a little special something for Britt. And it’s the rose. So, was this for Britt all along? Or was this just that Chris would take whoever he wants to the show and then they would get the rose? Either way, I think this is shady. Not telling the other women what the rules are and changing them in a big way. Chris and Britt dance around on stage in wild abandonment.

Over an hour later, as the women are still sitting around speculating as to what could have happened with Chris and Britt, the happy couple walk back into the room. It falls into complete, stony silence. Britt has the rose and the stares at it burn.

Things are complex, and dealing with all those feelings would be tough, so Chris says, “PEACE OUT!” I’m not kidding. He says, “Obviously, you can see that Britt has the rose.” And then makes the flimsiest of excuses as to how he thought it would be easier that way because of the high stakes of the date? What? No. He doesn't even mention the concert. And he just leaves. He just leaves Britt to fend for herself in this group of women. Bye, Chris! You are not a good person! You are not a nice man!

“I’m sorry. I feel so awkward right now,” Britt squirms.

Carly is wiping away tears as Kaitlyn explains, “We can’t help but feel humiliated.” And Jade objects to getting any sympathy from Britt. One by one they all stand up to leave and cry. They are all distressed to be in a situation where the connection between Chris and Britt is so strong that they feel they don’t even stand a chance. Kaitlyn feels like all the ground she made with Chris today can’t make up for what he and Britt have. Whitney falls prey to "compare and despair", saying that it’s hard to feel confident in what you have when you see someone as gorgeous as Britt having what she has with Chris.

Y’ALL READY FOR THIS? It’s the Ultimate Show-Down Two-on-One. The most dramatic Two-on-One in Bachelor History. I believe it. Ashley literally says that she is Glenda the Good Witch and Kelsey is the Wicked Witch of the West. Ashley is here to take Kelsey down. Kelsey is here to be really rude about who Ashley is as a woman. Kelsey is dressed like a Kohl’s mannequin from 2006.

When the girls first got their date card, it mentioned the Bad Lands and Kelsey freaked out. She explained to Ashley that they were currently in the Black Hill Mountains, but the Bad Lands are something different. Kelsey understands these important things and what they mean. Others are just simple plebes with nothing to do but despair at her greatness of intellect and worldliness.

Chris, ever the ding-dong, explains that today will be tough for him. The trio hops right into a helicopter because the producers are finally GIVING US WHAT WE CAME FOR.  They see Mount Rushmore, and Kelsey condescendingly explains who the faces are. Yeah, we know. Ashley firmly believes that Kelsey’s strategy today is to drive her insane.

“Literally? With this? I just. Can’t. Even,” Ashley says. Amazing, incredible moments like these are what this show is all about.

The helicopter drops them off in the middle of nowhere in the Bad Lands. It is truly a canopied bed in the middle of this geographically significant part of the country. It looks like Dorne.

Ashley and Chris split off first. They start by doing some gross, sloppy kissing. Chris asks how Ashley’s doing, and she takes the opportunity to completely trash Kelsey. She says she is the outlier in the group, and they are suspicious of her strategic moves with Chris. Don’t throw anyone under the bus because it only makes you look like the villain. It never works out well.

Chris thanks her for telling him and emphasizes that he wants to make sure his future wife gets along with other people and can “gel” in social situations. And with that, they return to the canopy bed to trade Ashley out for Kelsey.

Using the baiting question of how Kelsey is doing in the house, Chris tries to pry information out of her. Kelsey right away says that as emotions run higher, it’s harder and harder to maintain friendships with the other women he’s dating. Fair enough, but not to the point where everyone hates just one person and that one person is you, Kelsey.

She makes a speech of which I’m sure she’s very proud about how Chris needs to make sure that if he gets down on one knee, the woman he’s asking is ready to be a wife. But Kelsey is ready to be a wife because she’s been one. She says that. That is such a bizarre sentiment. Being “a wife” is different to different people and different relationships. That’s not like being a virgin and being a not. “Once a wife, always a wife” isn’t a thing.

Then Chris does what might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen someone on this show, or in life, do. He tells Kelsey that ASHLEY JUST TOLD HIM that the other women think she is fake. That the other women generally don’t like Kelsey very much. Kelsey is blind-sided and says she’s hurt. She ends their chat saying, “I would hate to lose all the potential there is between us because of girl talk.”

And then Kelsey starts walking back to the canopy bed of doom with poison in her eyes.

“She’s a Kardashian who didn’t get to go on her princess date who has WAY too much makeup on to be genuine,” Kelsey spits to camera. I mean, those are all true facts about Ashley, but Kelsey, your whole personality is such a production that of course they think you’re fake. “I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve been married. I’ve lost the love of my life. I am a woman. And Ashley thinks she’s playing a game. And I’m not gonna forget that,” warns Kelsey.

Smash cut to Kelsey staring at Ashley with a look that can only be described as festering hatred. Kelsey looks at Ashley as though she is scalping the hair off her head and holding it high for all the Bad Lands to see. It’s straight up terrifying.

“I know what you did,” Kelsey finally says.

“What did I do?” Ashley snaps back.

“If you don’t remember your conversation with Chris then clearly it meant nothing to you,” retorts Kelsey.

Then Ashley starts firing off insults one after the other. And they’re good points, but she keeps saying “fricking” and “frigging” as filler, and it’s dulling their edge.

“Ok so I’m not from Pleasantville, but I’m from fricking two-thousand-fourteen,” she says, “You think you’re smarter than me because you use big words I can’t understand…You and I both have our masters degrees, and mines actually from someplace frigging good.”

But then Kelsey waits and says, “When I said last night that I was endeared to you and I respected you, I still mean that.”

“Ok,” Ashley says and then sulks away.

Yes, Kelsey, respect. That’s certainly what we’d call telling the camera that it’s time for Ashley to go home and play dress up just like she has for her whole life. Ah yes, the dress up she played in between getting an advanced degree? Woman can be more than one thing, Kelsey. They can be smart, and they can like makeup. They can wear pretty things and pursue higher learning. They can be specialized in a specific field but not have a huge vocabulary. There is no prescription for what it means to be a woman.

Ashley storms away to find Chris and starts sobbing to him about why on earth he told Kelsey what she said. Fair enough, because WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU TELL ONE WOMAN THE BAD THINGS A SPECIFIC OTHER WOMAN SAID ABOUT HER? HAS HE NEVER MET ANOTHER HUMAN PERSON BEFORE TO KNOW THAT WOULD BE A BAD IDEA? WHAT KIND OF BRAINLESS TIT THINKS THAT’S AN OK IDEA?

Chris does his best to comfort the sobbing Ashley, but his skills are incredibly limited. He’s not good at doing anything but farm, so it comes as no surprise that his comforting skills are minimal. To wit, he takes this opportunity to send Ashley home!

He says that ultimately their lifestyles are too different and that he and she are in different places in their lives. That’s true. Would Ashley really be happy living in the middle of nowhere Iowa? I don’t think so.

But Ashley decides to go down swinging. “Do you really think Britt wants that lifestyle? Do you really think Britt would fit into your life better than me?” she manages through sobs. Britt would not fit into Chris’s lifestyle. She’s a “waitress” in LA which means she’s trying to be an actress/model and last I looked, there weren’t too many modeling opportunities in Arlington, IA.

Ashley flies off the handle with dramatics and rejection-induced hysteria.  She storms away, and Kelsey smiles a smile that could kill a small animal. The women see Ashley’s suitcase leave and are crestfallen.

Chris approaches Kelsey on the Canopy Bed of Doom to tell her that Ashley left. Kelsey throws herself on him to comfort him and say, “It’s a loss.” But then the tide turns. Chris stutters and stumbles througha speech and manages to form the thought that he is going to have Kelsey go home too. THIS IS THE BEST.

Chris just doesn’t see it there between them. Kelsey is crying but says that it’s ok it isn’t her. Then Chris once again throws up the deuces and peaces out. Not literally, but he does get into a helicopter and flies away as the cameras cut to an INCREDIBLE shot of the two women on crying on different mounds of land in the Bad Lands looking up as the helicopter leaves. QUALITY STUFF.

Not only do we get that incredible shot, but we get to see the women explode in celebratory joy as they see Kelsey's suitcase ALSO picked up by a PA. They jump up and down and hug. Carly breaks open the pink champagne and everyone drinks in their delight. It's fun to watch them celebrate with abandon.

To conclude: Chris is not a nice guy and is stupid about how humans work! Next week we have a double feature on Sunday AND Monday nights. And would you believe that Monday night is already Hometowns? I surely cannot. I’ll see you there!