The Bachelor - Episode 7 Recap

Distraction 2012 -

The political climate outside today, right now, like this very second, is...heated, shall we say. Today is the most important day of the year, and it happens to only come around once every four years (like leap year or the olympics, only filled with painful anxiety). It's election day.

And while it is CRAZY IMPORTANT THAT YOU GO OUT AND VOTE, it's also important to keep yourself sane. If you're anything like me, starting right now, you're compulsively refreshing CNN and the New York Times every 10-15 seconds to keep up to the moment.

But this, my friends, is maddening. So I'll be periodically posting videos and pictures and fun things from the internet to keep your mind distracted from the pit of diarrhea-inducing anxiety in your stomach about the results of today's presidential election.

Here is a video of Hank Green (of Vlog Brothers fame. DFTBA, yo) bringing you fascinating information from this past week in Science. SciShow in general is a great rabbit hole of distraction, so feel free to keep clicking around that channel.

PS - I literally shed a few tears when he showed me pictures of the underside of the vampire squid. I cried. I'm definitely distracted knowing that thing is out there...WAITING.

This One's for all my Pacific Northwest Homies

Friends in Spokane! Whither and how have you drifted so far from me? We've been together almost two years, and for those two years, I've been tracking your movements on Google Analytics. Spokane friends, you have gone from number one in site visits to number NINE.  Come back to me. Don't leave me now.

I don't know who you are or why, at one time, you exceeded site visits from even my home city of Chicago. I don't know if you all know each other and discuss these posts. I don't know why I've carved out a special spot in my heart for my small, yet rabid and anonymous Spokane Fan Clan.

I know that your city rhymes with "raisin bran" and actively correct people who pronounce it as if it rhymes with "cocaine". It does not! I know that without people, strangers especially, reading my blog i would wither into dust! I would DIE! I know that somehow...somewhere...I've lost you Spokane, and I would do almost anything to get you back.

Don't go breakin' my heart, Spokane. Don't go breakin' my, don't go breakin' my, don't go breakin' my heart.

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

The Bachelorette - Episode 6 Recap

    The world traveling continues this week for Emily and her noble man-harem as they take over Dubrovnik, Croatia. As the numbers dwindle, relationships and “connections” are growing stronger and the real players of the game are breaking ahead of the pack. Based on the previews this looks like quite the week in drama (and in kissing), so let’s jump right in.

Dubrovnik looks like something out of another century with all its Old World beauty and integrity. Emily is sad that Ricki had to go back to Charlotte, but she is here to figure her sh*t out this week. The men continue arriving via unique modes of transportation and pull into the port city by boat after sufficient oogling and ogling all the beautiful sights on the Adriatic coast.

            Emily pops into the dudes’ suite to announce the dates. I already want to kill Ryan for his slime face, but Travis (remember Shelly?) gets the date! He is so excited and relieved. They will be exploring old Dubrovnik together and doing many special touristy things.

After wandering and arm holding like best friends, they come upon a thing called the balancing stone. Emily reads from a card out of frame that if you can stand on it and remove an item of clothing, you will be lucky in love. So, the two of them monkey around for a solid couple of minutes trying to accomplish the task, “Come on, we are not leaving here until one of us is lucky in love!” Emily is disappointed that Travis didn’t take his shirt off on the stone even though she(the producers) gave him the perfect set-up! Real talk though, she has got to cool it with all the being alone forever freaking out. She’s got this.

         When they come across a jaunty street musician Emily remarks, “All with just three strings!” to which Travis replies, “YEAAAAHHH!!!!!” and then twirls her. He is a man-child. They do a little line dance which is silly and dorky and a little embarrassing for Americans, but good for them for managing to have fun.

The men are debating Travis’ prospects in the suite, but the important thing is the TANK TOP RYAN IS WEARING YOU GUYS.  First of all, it might be on backwards. Second of all, it’s a white TANK TOP, not an undershirt. It has the weirdest neckline, and it offends me. I am offended by it. Ryan is convinced Emily prefers his bad-boy to Travis’ goofball saying “I am that bad boy. My mean man can come out on the football field. I miss him sometimes…” Your “mean man”? What the eff?!

              Up in a castle high on the city walls, it has begun to rain, but that won’t put a damper on the “dinner” portion of Emily and Travis’ date. Travis hasn’t had very much screen time, which I think is a shame. He seems like a really sweet and funny guy. When Emily asks about his engagement, he opens right up and honestly responds to all her pretty revealing questions. I don’t think that the two of them have the full romantic love Emily wants, but he is definitely a great guy.

 I also like him because after their soul-baring conversation he says, “I’m sorry. I hope you weren’t hungry because we haven’t had a bite.” THANK YOU! Nobody wants cold Croatian food! I’m beginning to think she made them agree to never film her eating in her contract.

John, Doog, Sean, Jef, Chris, and Arie are all on the group date that obliquely states, “Lasting love requires bravery.” Most of them obviously wanted the one-on-one and are especially upset that Mr. Cocky Butthead Ryan gets the precious Emily time. He villains himself in a Bentley-esque way saying that he can always turn on the charm and get the girl. Yikes.

Back in the castle, Emily picks up the rose and tells Travis how much she likes him as a person, but that the romance just isn’t there. She isn’t giving him the rose, and he is the picture of a gentlemen while being so, so sad. He is so ready to find love and sheds some tears on his way out. Travis is so distraught that he throws away his umbrella and leaves it on the street. Poor Travis. Maybe he can go pick the pieces of Shelly back up and start a life with her.

Group date time! It is a gorgeous day as the men meet Emily in the center of town for a special screening of “Brave” the new Pixar movie! I am so jealous! Someone quips to make sure “It’s not Shakespeare”. The men can’t help but compare Princess Merida’s situation to Emily’s with all her suitors. This is amazing that the producer’s managed to provoke them into having those thoughts!

Now that the film is over, the men change into KILTS to compete in some Highland Games! I love this. The producers have thought up the best ways to both embarrass and test these men. They seriously look great in kilts. “Last week it was a dress…this week it’s a kilt,” bemoans Arie while Jef beams, “I’m in the middle of Croatia. Wearing a skirt!” The two of them are possibly my favorite contestants in Bachelorette history.

               The next strange mode of transport is the donkeys on which the men arrive at the Highland Games battlefield. In a confusing mix of cultures, Croatian men traditionally ride donkeys into battle, so that’s how they arrive at the mock Scottish festival. The dramatic music picks up as the men perform feats of strength. Archery!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels. The caper(log) toss!  At which Chris fails and Sean excels! Something else that sounds like “made leashk” which is akin to a tug-o-war with a stick rather than a rope! At which Chris fails because he chose to challenge DoogSMASH and Sean ultimately wins! But lo and behold, Chris wins the bravery award for giving it his all despite losing. Sean is bummed out that he was such a man that even the Scotsmen dressed as medieval knights were impressed and still didn’t get a rose.

       For the cocktail hour, the men begin to display their emotional feats of strength.  Everyone is gunning for the date rose to assure Emily they miss her and like her and want her body, etc, etc. Arie makes amends for what happened in London as they take a walk in the city. And then he kisses her against an ancient city wall, and it’s spicy. It is…hoo boy, y’all. Good stuff. They…like each other.

                         Jef the Elf King gives Emily his jacket for warmth because he is a noble beast, and he tells her, “You give me the type of feeling that people write novels about.” They are snuggled up like two little puppies and make out a little after giggling and then he says, “Can I tell you a secret? I’m freaking crazy about you.” Which is unfair because WHAT ABOUT US, JEF? WHAT ABOUT WE? All kidding aside, those two are adorable and great. But is Jef the man for her long-term for life?

Chris gets the date rose tonight. I do not get it. She seems to really like this guy even though to me he has no personality. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: he looks like Sam the Eagle!

          Now that it’s time for Ryan’s date, the men let loose about what they think of him. It takes him hours to get ready. When Emily picks him up, Arie is viscerally disgusted by his sweet talk.  “The world is our pearl…no, oyster. See, I’m always seeing the positive in things. The world is our oyster, but you’re my pearl.” All the guys die laughing after he leaves.

He and Emily drive up into the mountains and then go oystering. I think if the date was with another person, it could be perfect. It looks like fun even though Emily spits her oyster right back into the water. But Ryan just talks and talks and talks and talks and talks about God a little and then calls Emily a trophy and talks more. She is conflicted about him and “goes back and forth hourly” with him.

              At dinner Emily is in a glittery and sparkly gold dress that is just stunning. Ryan is wearing turquoise shoes that are barf-tastic. She is being feisty with him and keeps pushing how dearly she hates the trophy thing that he keeps! Bringing! UP!

 Ryan wrote some more for her because his million page letter from week two wasn’t enough. This time it’s twelve qualities he’d like to find in his wife.  Emily is really turned off and levels with him that she feels the pressure to be perfect around him.

So, she picks up the rose and lists his good qualities, but says about his list that “at the top of my list would be a loving family, not a perfect one”. She knows that they just want different things ultimately. And then she does the best thing she could do for herself and doesn’t give him the rose. He is silent. Shocked.  Then he tries to convince her otherwise and says she’s making the wrong choice. He turns into a huge dick about it, actually, because he’s not such a master manipulator as he thinks. We cut to commercial as it looks like Emily might take back her decision!

            The men are debating whether or not he’s coming home. None of them want him to come home for sure.  But back on the date, Emily still holds strong and does not give him the rose. Thank goodness, thank goodness, thank goodness. She is a strong woman who knows what’s right for her and her child, and girl, trust all of America, this was the right choice. The men literally celebrate that he’s been cut.

Does anyone else think the streets of Dubrovnik look really shiny? They look slick and shiny. Speaking of slick, Ryan’s leaving wish is that the producer’s do a good job portraying who he truly is as a person and “not some arrogant ass”. Well, there’s a problem there Ry-ry. Who you are is some arrogant ass, and the producer’s did a great job showing you for just exactly that. They also did a great job showing all the stray cats of Dubrovnik. Seriously, so many cats roaming those shiny streets and some camera-guy got silly about it.

Arie surprises Emily at her little home! He wants to make sure she’s alright and assure her that she made the right choice re: Ryan. Probably also he wanted to sneak into her bedroom because those two need the fantasy sweet STAT. Arie also needs chapstick. His lips look a little ashy. She gives him the rose in jest, just to assure him he’ll get one the next night. Then they smooch. Somebody needs to hose them down. HOLY CRAP the way those two kiss. At the end of the night, Arie thinks He’s definitely in love. D’AWWW. Get thee to the fantasy suite!

                   The rose ceremony begins and we hear the first words out of Wolf’s mouth. This poor guy. He’s probably not a bad dude; he just did not have what it took to be a player in this game. She knows he’s on the bubble along with Doogle. Oh no, John gets choked up showing Emily his grandparents’ funeral cards that he keeps with him to remind him of love and family. That’s lovely. They kiss in a very family-at-Thanksgiving way. Huh. Could he have made it over the bubble?

Doog and Emily’s alone time is awkward. He is really shy and needs to make a move. He fumbles a lot and is a little self-deprecating. She is trying to push him to be the man she knows he can be. But at the end, he didn’t make any progress and failed to convince her I think. To the other guys’ point, this guy is in the final six! She is not gonna freak out or puke or reject him or something if he makes any physical advances!

              The rose ceremony is upon us now! Emily is physically torn about the decisions she has to make this week. Ryan’s words to her last night are resonating that she shouldn’t just give up on even a chance of something great.  

Emily calls Sean, Jef, and Arie, but lo! She cannot make her final call and walks right out of the room silently. She gives the rose back to Chris Harrison and walks into the ceremony to say she couldn’t give out the final rose. PSYCH! Chrarrison brings in an EXTRA rose so that she can keep the two guys around a little longer and see where things go!! This girl plays the game by her own rules, and I respect that. Both men are totally relieved, but I have to wonder how long either of them can really stay in this game.

          Next week they are headed to Prague! Again, I’m super jealous because, wow, Prague is beautiful. There is kissing, kissing, fireworks, scenery, sweeping city shots. And apparently Arie used to date one of the producer’s and he finally comes clean! Yowza! Stay tuned for the love and the drama next week. May you all make strong connections on your journey til then.

Henley Monday - Late Edition

As promised I bring you the second installment of today's double issue of Henley Monday.

It's Alexander Skarsgard. The second star of True Blood to be featured in the series, but how could I resist? How could anyone resist that stoic Scandinavian expression? Those eyes? That HAIR? These guys are KILLING IT with the henley/hair combos!

He stares as if to beckon you to join him on that bed of leaves and stare up at the clouds in the autumn sky as you while away the hours together warmed by the sun and the laughter you share. *sigh*

Henley Monday - Y'ALL. Things are rough right now. Last week there was a devastating hurricane that ravaged the East coast, Justin Timberlake put a ring on the Biel, and there is an incredibely important election tomorrow that is a closer race than it ever should have been.

BUT THROUGH THE MUCK AND THE MIRE I AM HERE TO SOOTHE YOUR WORRIED MINDS...with Chris Pine rockin' a henley in a photo with relaxing blue-grey tones.

Look at that face. Is that a face that's worried about setting the country back 50 years tomorrow? It's not. But it is a sexy, henley-wearing person who wants to remind you to vote. And to give what you can to the Red Cross Sandy relief efforts. And to start placing bets on how long it takes Bielberlake to go splitsville.

The Bachelorette - The Finale Recap

   It is finally here. The moment we have been eagerly awaiting for almost three months. Emily Maynard’s final decision and the start of the rest of her life of happiness! When we began our journey back in May, I had no prior knowledge of Ms. Maynard, and was fully prepared to be rooting against her and disliking her entirely. But, over the course of her jouner (ding-ding-ding! Bachelore trademark word!), she has completely won me over. All I want is for her and Ricki to have a happy life and complete family and so many freaking babies.

So let’s kick off! Finally we begin an episode with ZERO montages from the season before. But…we do start with Chris Harrison opening his arms to welcome us to a live studio audience which will watch alongside the rest of America. “The studio audience here is on the edge of their seats!” and the crowd goes WILD! After the Final Rose will also be live because we need to the minute updates on the lives of these three (four counting Ricki) people.

        We are still in Curacao, but now Ricki is here! And the Maynard girls are staying in a regular MANSE with a huge pool with a bridge over it and a private beach. Sheesh. They have all the luck. Emily is really worried about this choice she has to make. She needs “an exceptional man, who will be a great husband and a great dad” truth lady. Truth.

To help her make this decision, we meet Emily’s family who are staying in another manse on the island. Jef is first up to meet the family and he brings flowers for the mom and sister-in-law.

Emily’s mom, dad, brother, and future sister-in-law all sit down for what will be a very intense luncheon. They have good energy even though I’m sure everyone is super nervous and uncomfortable. Mom-Susie pulls Jef aside for a heart-to-heart, and they have just a really sweet and nice conversation. Jef is honest as always with Susie’s hard hitting questions about his intentions and readiness to be a dad.

     HOLY CRAP, GUYS! WE SEE THEM ACTUALLY EATING FOOD. Brother-Ernie has a half eaten Sammie in his hand, Jef is chewing, everything is ok! They have nutrition! Praise the harvest gods of Curacao!

The producers want us to believe that Ernie is going to be all mean and protective of his sister, but he’s a Maynard, so he’s protective in a kind and gentlemanly way. He and Jef chat about true love and if Jef really has a special enough connection (ding-ding-ding!) with her. Jef says “She had love, like, ripped from her. She knows what it feels like, and when she feels it again, she’ll know…And I’ve never been so in love with a girl.” Which…Jef. Oh, Jef. So sweet and beautiful. Ernie and Jef bro-hug it out.

                Now it’s time for Jef and Dad-David to discuss the exact same thing as with every other family member. So we’ll skip that, but Jef asks for his blessing to ask Emily’s hand in marriage. He gives it readily! Thanks, Daddy-David.

Jef feels that the day could not have gone better, but the final step will be for him to meet Ricki. But will she let him?!

After an unneeded interlude from Chrarrison where he says, “First things first, let’s find out!” which doesn’t entirely make sense. I mean, it does, but also, I don’t think it’s exactly accurate? Whatever, it’s Arie-time!

     Arie, in his never ending attempts to make me literally drool over him, wears yet another henley. They all sit down, and it’s soooooooo awkward. He tries to bond with her dad and brother about fishing, and fails. And he goes, “When I’m nervous, I talk a lot!” and he talked…a lot, at least that’s what the producers are having us believe.

I did notice that he didn’t bring flowers or any kind of gift, until he brings out the gift. He bought a box in a Curacao tourist joint and put every rose that Emily’s ever given him into the box. That is so heartfelt and thoughtful and sweet. It’s like he put his heart in a box like Davy Jones only less tragic and literal and kelp-y. “Each of them symbolize this journey [ding-ding-ding!] and adventure,” he says. Mom-Susie is smitten that he would give away something so precious to him.

Mom-susie and Arie have a lovely chat where Arie says, “I just want her to believe in us because I do.” SWOON, GUYS, SWOON. And I think Mom-Susie might be confusing her role in this because she says “I’m blown away. I really thought this would be easy today because of my feelings for Jef…but I just love them both.” Cool it, Mom-Susie. These men are not for you and your feelings.

         Next in succession is Ernie with his discerning eye who kind of accuses Arie of being slick. But Arie geeks out over his love from Emily and the smile broadens on Ernie’s face because love makes you dorky and even a sexy-ass racecar driver gets dorky in love. Ernie, too, is confused about what he should tell Emily as to her choice.

Now Daddy-David and Arie talk, and it’s all rainbows. We can kind of hear the live-studio-audience laughing where there is a dramatic pause after Arie asks for her hand in marriage. This is unnecessary. If there’s one thing the Bachelorette sorely does not need, it’s a laugh-track.

I am not a huge fan of the maxi-dress Emily is wearing today. It appears to be Missoni, but I’m not sure. The top is kind of strange and unflattering and the colors are garish in a not nice way. Anyways, when she sits down with the family to discuss their decision, they can’t give a straight answer. They both seem like real nice “fellas” and she is so ticked that they can’t tell her with whom they have a stronger connection (ding-ding-ding!).

     Mom-susie gives her good advice about needing to fit the guy into Emily and Ricki’s life rather than fit Ricki in Emily and Man’s life. She tells Emily to wait on any kind of engagement until they can figure out what life is really like together.  Emily is confused and sad but mostly confused.

This is the final date with Jef! We see Emily and Ricki being so cute to start it off, they eat breakfast and feed toast crusts to the birds. And then we skip right to Emily and Jef alone on a secluded beach. This date seems so natural and real. There is nothing special going on, so the conversation is just like that between two regular people in love.

     Jef really wants to meet Ricki. He is trying to be gentle about saying, “I freaking NEED to meet this kid!” by skirting that he loves kids and wants a family and that Emily is everything he’s ever wanted. Emily is understandably hesitant because she still carries a guilty conscience that she introduced Brad to Ricki and then it didn’t work out.

Jef tries to show her his perspective, and after a long pause, Emily decides that Jef shall meet Ricki! This is HUGE. HUGE, Y’ALL. I also can’t wait because the cuteness factor is gonna be through the roof.

    To make Ricki the most comfortable, they go to the house they’ve been staying in. They peer through the slatted doors at her playing in the pool. “That’s her!” Emily whispers to Jef’s lighted face. Then they meet and I temporarily loose feeling in my brain because Ricki is all giggling and showing Jef the tricks she can do in the pool. They bond instantly and she wants Jef to play in the pool too. He straps on a pair of matching pink goggles to Ricki’s, and they frolic about in the pool and my brain is dead because he’s so good with kids!

    Jef is so taken with her and loved every second of the fun they had. They feed the iguanas and play with hermit crabs and Ricki shows him all her stuffed animals. I can’t even handle it. Club can’t even handle me right now. Emily, Jef, and I are all in agreement that the day could not have gone better and was a really good decision.

     Now it’s “dinner” time, and I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to catch them ingesting actual comestibles again. Emily tells Jef the best thing he could ever want to hear that Ricki asked if Jef could come back tomorrow to play. SO CUTE. They are all giggling while kissing and just talking.  

Jef presents her with a book about Curacao which at first blush is kind of lame, but then they open it and Jef has drawn stick figures of them all over the book. She laughs with delight. They are comfortable and easy together. He utters the famed phrase, “I just want to hold her hand until I’m 110.” The best.

Thunder cracks and lightning streaks the sky as Jef says the hardest good-bye of his life to Emily. It’s got to be hard to be so in love with someone, and not sure if you can really be with that person.

Now we’re back in the studio and Chrarrison desperately fills time by asking random audience members what makes Jef special and what they think about Emily being a single mom. Boring. Dumb. Come on! Get to the good-stuff!

   Back at the manse, we hear a knock on the door. Emily is wearing the outfit from the previews where she is having a breakdown. What’s going on!? She has a sense of peace about what she needs to do. She needs the fatherly advice of the sagacious Chris Harrison. They discuss bits and pieces about the guys and Ricki until finally she comes right out and says that Jef is her guy. She’s made up her mind that he is “everything she’s been looking for.” That is so sweet and great, but poor Arie. Oh, no. Poor, poor Arie. But Jef! She’s picking the Elvin King!

Chrarrison is genuinely happy for her, but levels with her about what to do about Arie. She knows she can’t sit through the entire date with Arie without crying and being a wreck. Emily doesn’t know how to even start the conversation that for as much as she loves Arie, she fell in love with someone a little bit more. The best piece of advice is for her to be as honest with Arie as she was with Chrarrison. Let’s hope she can follow through so as to spare some of the hurt and heartbreak.

She’s a wreck and pretty much can’t stop crying. I don’t blame her because she has to rip this guy’s heart in two.

Then we break to unsuspecting Arie at a botanical garden who learns how to make a love potion. He’s so excited and having fun and I just want to protect him. The fact that they’re making a love potion is so cruel. Oh,  the dramatic irony!

Emily is still crying as she approaches Arie at the gardens. By a miracle, she manages to pull it together enough that he can’t tell she’s been weeping all morning. The tone of voice and way she’s treating him is how she treats and talks to Ricki. She is in default mom-mode of trying to care for him. And then they sit down and she loses it. He’s being so good and comforting to her and asking what’s wrong.

     And then he realizes. You see the light behind his eyes die as he figures out that she’s dumping him. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He is the saddest panda in the whole world. She thought it was gonna be them all the way to the end. He is holding back the tears and she is openly weeping. This is rough. This is rough stuff. She barely manages to get out that she just has “more confidence in Jef” and that she meant all the things she ever said to Arie, but it’s hard.

He kisses her on the cheek and goes. “Good luck. I don’t know what else to say,” he manages. And it’s fine that he’s a little angry, but hugs her so hard that we can hear his heart beat on his body mic. It’s racing. That’s sad. His heart is racing because it’s breaking apart. He can barely get into the car with all the equipment, and leave Emily a sobbing mess. This is hard to watch, y’all.

The mood in the studio is somber, everyone’s face is drawn, and one woman wipes away a faux tear. Chris brings us back though as we talk with some former cast members. It’s Ashley and J.P.! They are so cute and in love! Ashley is so lovely and adorable, and J.P. is the epitome of man and charm. We talk to Deanna who commends Emily for sparing Arie the embarrassment of the engagement and not introducing him to Ricki. Then we talk to Bachelor family favorite Michael Stagliano! He has the same nice things to say that it’s really hard to be dumped on TV and that Arie will be just fine. Then the lady herself, Ashley Spivey, comes up in a SKIN TIGHT slamming dress. Sheesh, girl. She is happy for Emily.

     Now it’s all happiness and love back in Curacao. Emily is getting ready for her big day with Ricki who is wearing her super freaking cool fanny pack. Jef meets with resident creepy ring maker, Neil Lane, to pick out his engagement ring. He picks a good one, too. Jef can’t wait to be the best dad and best husband ever, even though he doesn’t know he’s the only guy left!

Emily’s dress is an earthen red clay color, all gossamer and wispy on the bottom, and heavily beaded up top. Very Amazon warrior-esque. I didn’t think I’d like it from the hanger, but she looks beautiful in it, and it moves like a dream. The only thing less than perfect is that I think her little podium of love might be set up right where she dumped Sean and had that sad conversation with him. Maybe not, but still, yeesh.

     The music is swelling, they are so excited! Jef WILL propose! Emily doesn’t know if she’ll say yes! And then he’s there. Jef, in his gorgeously, perfectly tailored navy blue suit with a tiny tie and POCKET SQUARE, is left by Chris Harrison at the gates to love. His smile is wide and his hair is high as he takes a moment to compose himself before approaching Emily.

Oops, y’all, I’m crying. Because Emily can tell him that the whole journey (ding-ding-ding!) was worth it because it brought her to him, her soul-mate. She can finally say that she loves him! So, so much! And she gets to tell him he’s the only one who met Ricki and the only one there today. It’s the best thing he’s ever heard.

     Then he takes her hands and starts being his eloquent self in telling her how much he loves her.  And that “it’s so rare that you find the person you’re meant to be with.” And I’m crying more. And he says, “I think God puts the right people in our lives, when the time is just right. And I feel like that with us.” And the tears are flowing. “I promise that if you let me into your life, and Ricki’s life, that you will never feel lonely again,” he earnestly professes. So earnest. Earnest Jef.

So he gets down on one knee, and shows the cameras the Neil Lane ring box, and asks Emily to marry him. After a pregnant pause, she smiles and says, “yes!” OUR GIRL DID IT! SHE’S ENGAGED TO THE LOVE OF HER LIFE! I’M SO HAPPY FOR HER AND HIM AND RICKI.

    And then to break my happiness they montage their relationship to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera because why the eff not to Peter Cetera the epitome of relevance? It’s so lame that I think it might be self-aware at how cheesy it is. Especially at the part when the lyrics are “like a knight in shining armor” and it shows Jef in his kilt shooting a bow and arrow. I’m laughing away my tears now because it’s so dumb happy.

The final image is of Ricki holding Emily’s hand and Emily holding Jef’s hand as they walk away toward their life of happiness together. What a perfectly sweet way to end this journey (DING-DING-DING!!!).

   That brings us to the end of the official episodes of this dramatic season of the Bachelorette. Thank you so much for coming along and reading all the antics of these crazy, wonderful people with me. I really feel confident in our connection, y’all, so I know when the next lucky Bachelor (please God let it be Sean or Arie) comes along, you’ll be right here with me.

Peace and love, Journeyers, peace and love.

Henley Monday -

I'm pretty sure this is the end times. My bathroom won't stop flooding, I have nowhere to watch the Emmy's tonight, and every news channel looks like scenes from the Leftovers.

But lo, what light through yonder henley breaks, it is Ike Barinholtz, hands down the funniest character on the Mindy Project and he is clad in a grey henley holding and parading B.J. Novak's book "One More Thing".

That's a good thing. And Mindy Project season two just came out on DVD so yeah, that's TWO good things. 

The Bachelorette - Episode 9 Recap

        By the tropical citrus flavored liqueur colored waters of Curaçao (Click the link. Educate yourself. It's the least I can do for encouraging this weekly drivel) is where we will live out the rest of our long day’s journey into love. It is all Dutch Caribbean and beautiful as Emily arrives for the toughest decision of her life.

                  Now this is the episode during which normally there would be a fantasy suite date. I have heard tell from various sources however that Emily requested there be no fantasy suite. I respect this choice as she is aware that this show is something that her daughter will one day see. These are only rumors though, so we’ll see what happens.

Once again, we start the episode with a little montage and voice over of Emily wrapping up each relationship just in case you haven’t been paying close enough attention for the last two months.

Sean is an all American sweetheart stud. Jef is an “edgy”, caring, calm voiced Elf King. And Arie…sweet Arie, is something special. Emily actually gets a little teary eyed talking about just how wonderful Arie is and how much she feels for him. My money is on him for taking the whole thing home.

           But along the perfect blue Curacao waters, Emily worries. She worries about making the right choice, and she worries about hurting people’s feelings. We can see that the emotional breakdown is imminent as a tough decision is ahead of her.

The first date is with Sean who appears in blue toms, a blue v-neck, and what I’ll call neon coral shorts. So cute. I love a man confident enough to wear bold colors. There’s finally a helicopter ride! This season has been especially lacking in the helicopter department, and I was beginning to worry none of these guys would get to squeal over the prospect of floating over scenic places in awkward headsets.

The thing about Sean is that he is a perfect guy. His family is perfect. His face is perfect. Lord knows his body is perfect. He is the nicest guy imaginable, but I just don’t know if he’s the right guy for Emily. Everything about him is perfect, but there isn’t that apparent electricity between them like with her and Arie or Jef.

     He has been skirting around telling Emily he loves her for like the whole entire private island date. And she finally says, “Sometimes you’re a little hard to read,” and he painstakingly and awkwardly manages to NOT tell her he loves her!

He then points out the snorkel gear, so they do a gentle strip tease to go snorkeling. They make out in the sunset waters. Come on, Sean! Get it together! Tell her you love her!

On a personal note, the fact that he has a little ginger in him makes him all the more attractive to me. Because, Fun Fact about Cassie: I love gingers most of all. I think this is probably my service to humanity because they need all the love they can get.

HENLEY ALERT! Sean is wearing a henley for the romantic beach date! Oh that’s the best of all possible worlds. Emily is hopeful that during this romantic dinner that “she planned”, he will finally open up to her.

    Oy, for the love of poodles with the number of letters these guys write. Sean has written Ricki a letter of love as an introduction and reads it. It’s very formulaic, but dammit, he gets choked up and so do I. He also has super neat handwriting.

Sean has, at this point, managed to say everything he possibly can to Emily about his feelings for her except “I love you.” It’s amazing actually. In the words or Ron Burgundy, I’m not even mad. I’m impressed.  He FINALLY get’s out, “I have fallen in love with you, and I know it without a shadow of a doubt.” The guy might be slower moving, and that’s fine IRL. But this is the Bachelorette, yo! The faster you declare your “feelings of love” the better!

Oh shite, y’all. I was totally wrong. There are fantasy suites! Sean is very gentlemanly about accepting it under the terms of staying up late and talking and cuddling with “no distractions.” The suite has a tiny private pool. I want that. I would also like a tiny private pool with a sexy shirtless, slightly ginger, part time fitness model from Texas in it. Thanks.

    The door to the suite opens, and Sean takes off for the night. Emily makes her statement that as a mom and role model, Sean staying over wouldn’t line up with what she believes in. Good call, Em. So I guess that means I was partially right about the fantasy suite rumors.

Jef, Jef, Jef, Jiffy-Jef-Jef! JEF TIME!!! They are goin’ on a boat ride, and it looks really fun and cool! Jef is also thrilled, and they manage to have a good conversation despite the incessant wind blowing. He tells her that his parents ended up hearing great things about her and that they want to meet her! Yay for their hard-won approval.

    A;dsjflajdsfjlasljfrweurowrndkjvnioe Sorry guys. I just temporarily died because of the things that Jef says about hoping to be the second best thing in Emily’s life to Ricki and hoping he can be that man for her and I DIED. I’M DEAD. BYE, EVERYONE. He describes their relationship as a masterpiece painting that he couldn’t make out at first, but now sees the beauty before him. He broke me. Ouewljjfadsjlfaljdsf

They jump off the boat and Jef paddles boards them to shore so they can cliff jump. He makes her feel adventurous which is really special since she’s not that way on her own. She just glows around him, and you can see the love. Before we cut to commercial they put in a shot of a pelican landing on a rock. Thanks for that producers. Really.

The wee sequined cocktail dress Emily wears to dinner is a beauteous creation. I want it, but I bet it cost about a million dollars. Jef has come with the hard hitting “post-show” questions.

     Where would they live? Emily is open moving to Utah or moving to wherever Jef is.

Why haven’t any relationships in Emily’s past worked? Because she hasn’t had that indescribable spark with anyone she’s dated like she does with Jef. He ignites a self-confidence in her. Awwwwwwww.

Why hasn’t it worked out for Jef? He “hasn’t been able to see the end goal” up until Emily. He’s crazy about Emily and can’t imagine two people more perfect for each other.

Emily tells Jef that she can picture him in her everyday life with Ricki. That’s pretty huge that he’s the guy who comes to mind when she thinks of a father figure for Ricki. As well all know, this thing is just as much about Ricki as it is about Emily.

Jef waddles around the Fantasy Suite question, and says that his family, her daughter and her family would all be watching, and that “there’s a time and a place”. He’s so respectful and such a gentleman, so Emily proposes that they just hang out for a few more hours.

  Their suite is like a beautiful tree house, and as they make-out, Jef voices over that they need to “bridle their passions” and then I laughed forever. Is he an 80 year old pastor from the South in 1930?!?! BRIDLE THEIR PASSIONS?!

Look out everybody, Arie incoming. Emily is on yet another boat waiting for this lovely man. He wants her hand in marriage real bad.

Is it shocking that they make out on the boat first thing, and it’s real intense? Is that a thing that would surprise you? Would it also surprise you to know they make out for the majority of the boat ride?

    Dolphins! They are going swimming with dolphins in the wild! Emily is a little freaked out, but Arie’s confidence and protecting hand makes her feel more comfortable around the coolest animals. Back on the boat, they talk about the highlights of their relationship together. All their favorite moments involve kissing. Could this be a red flag that all they have is something physical? She worries she won’t be able to turn him away from the fantasy suite.

Emily’s wardrobe this episode has been even better than her already amazing wardrobe the whole season. Sheesh! This girl’s stylist is fantastic. So is Arie’s style because we have yet another Henley. Henleys for the win, everyone. Henleys for the win.

     At dinner, Emily grills Arie to reveal more about who he is on a day-to-day basis. She wants to make sure they have something to go on outside of physical attraction. He talks about a typical Tuesday, and what life would be like at the end of the show. She laughs at him pityingly when he says he gets up at 9:30. Bringing Ricki into the equation is important, and Arie takes it upon himself to prove how ready he is to be a father.

Emily tears up talking about how much thought Arie has put into the Ricki part of the equation, and how he’d gain Ricki’s trust, respect, and eventually love. His answer about winning her friendship first was A++, gold stars, 110%.

As a role model and mother, Emily knows that she would just climb Arie like a tree if she had the chance to be alone with him. She doesn’t even give Arie the fantasy suite card because she doesn’t trust herself enough. This is a bummer; she is really sad about it. The kisses they share on the balcony, however, manage to be really, really steamy. She probably made the right call; Chrarrison might have to show up to hose them down.

   I can’t express to you how much I want the silver paillette floor length skirt Emily is wearing for the rose ceremony. It drapes down her body like the proverbial silver lining to a cloud. She and Chrarrison have their gab session, the best times on the show. He brings up her fear of making the wrong decision, and she is confused.

She is unclear as to what to do. Emily has such strong feelings for each guy and sees the whole-picture with each of them. This week is the toughest decision for her yet and you can see how upset and confused she really is. Chrarrison is not helping by pushing the subject.

    Holy feelings and difficult emotions, batman. Each of the three men has left a video message for Emily to say how much they care about her. It’s like their final pleas. Emily breaks down as Chris tells her because she feels so bad about breaking hearts.

Uh-oh. Sean’s starts and he’s kind of yelling at the camera like he’s unaware that he has a mic-pack on. He is head-over heels in love with Emily. He is sweet, but doesn’t delve deep enough for me.

Jef says journey. He is calm, cool, and collected. He is in love. He opens up and promises to defend and protect her and keep her cheeks sore from laughter. He is dressed so well. I can feel myself fraying at the seams.

Arie mentions the word Dollywood in his speech and endears himself to me. He proclaims that his heart is always racing towards her (see what he did there?). His passion comes through even when talking to a lifeless camera as if it were his beloved.

As the messages end, tears are streaming down Emily’s face. She is crying and trying so hard to hold it together to not actually sob. She is scared of the decision she has to make and knows that she’s hurting them so much at the same time.

    We need Emily to rip this Band-Aid off. I need her to make the cut so I can breathe easy. Come on, Em! Let’s go!

I practically puke in the pregnant pause Emily gives before calling Jef first. This is great, but I’m freaking out. I think she might end it with Arie….BUT SHE DOESN’T. I heave a huge sigh of relief, but I also want to cry for Sean. He is so pretty and so kind and so hurt. Emily can’t even look at him she hurts so much for what she did.

   They sit down and he is deflated like a sad golden retriever puppy. The thing is though, his muscles are practically popping out of his shirt as he sits there crying, so…he’s going to be just fine. He’d be a great candidate for the Bachelor. My heart breaks for this guy, but his butt looks really good getting into his getaway car. I want to hold him. Poor puppy. “Honestly, when she walked out tonight I thought ‘there’s my wife,’” and my soul shatters.  He will make a great Bachelor, methinks. You got this, Sean-28!

In the worst transition ever, we get the preview for the Men Tell All! HOLY MEN TELL ALL! Chris the childish dupa, Ryan the turd in turquoise shoes, and Kalon the DouchNugget with a Napoleon complex will all be there to dish!  And then in the final episode, there is confusion and tears and a possible non-happy ending! They are hinting that Emily might not make a choice at all…could this end with heartbreak for everbody? Oh, journeyers, I can hardly wait to find out. Counting the days till we connect again!

   WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?!?!

Henley Monday - Early Edition

Last week I was on vacation, and thus could not bring you your regular dose of henley. To make up for it, I'm posting twice today. That's right TWO pics of two DIFFERENT famous people wearing the greatest single piece of menswear.

Say hello to our friend Andrew Garfield as he leans close to you, now closer, and a little closer. He just wants to be near to you, and you just want to stare into his deep brown eyes and maybe hang around long enough that Emma Stone shows up, because as beautiful as he is you would never want to break up such a perfect couple who clearly have the most fun in the history of fun and you'd just want to be around those high levels of charm in hopes that it's contagious and eventually convince them to engage in some sort of sister-girlfriends situation.

Andrew Garfield also wins for having sky-high poofy hair that based on my scientific research MUST smell like the Elysian Fields after a light spring rain.