Well, The World Has Done It Again. Without My Asking Or Searching, It Has Delivered A Magnificently Joyous

Unlikely Love: Happy Valentine's Day!

                              Today is Valentine's Day. A day that, despite some pretty negative press, I find delightful.

It's the middle of winter.  The time of year when everything is gray and dreary and cold, and here comes Valentine's Day with red and pink and purple hearts and sparkles to brighten everything up!

Have I been single for every Valentine's Day of my life, save one my sophomore year of high school that I can't recall in the least? You bet.

Have there been Valentine's Days when I've wanted to throw snow and poop at couples in love and enjoying themselves? Definitely.

Would I probably enjoy having someone send me flowers and chocolate and professing his love via greeting card? I mean, duh.

But, being an adult now, I can look at this day as the brightly colored spectacle that it is. One shining day in which it's perfectly alright to share with those I love just how much, and why, I love them. I try to make a practice of that regularly (you should too), but why waste a perfectly good excuse to be down right mushy-gushy?

So, in honor of this St. Valentine's Day, I will be periodically posting some fine examples of love songs and damn fine performances from the one and only Celine Dion.

XOXOXOXOXO

Your Polar Bear

A Guide to Naming Your Dog

Thinking up great names for dogs occupies anywhere from 50-85% of my thoughts on any given day. I obsess over potential names almost as much as I obsess over the actual dog. It’s fascinating, and endlessly entertaining.

Tragically, having a dog just isn’t in the cards for me right now. For one, my apartment in Chicago is a no-pet zone. But even if it were legal to have a furry friend, I don’t exactly have the time or means to support another life. I can barely get myself walked and fed. I work nights and keep odd hours. I’m a comedian and restaurant maitre d’, which if you were under the impression that either of those jobs give me a great deal of disposable income, let me be the first to kindly laugh in your face.

But you know what’s a great, money-free way to spend time and enjoy life? The internet! Among tens of others, I spend a considerable amount of my time on petfinder.com pining over the sweet canines who need my rescue and love. There are photo galleries and profiles for each dog so you can fall in love and have your heart broken several times over the course of a few hours. Of course, many of those dogs have been given placeholder names, essentially just a label. These dogs  deserve more than just that, they need an identity, and thus, I put my energy into thinking up the best names for optimal dog nomenclature.

I bring to you the top contenders I’ve come up with heretofore. But just know that if you end up using one of my suggestions for your very own dog, I’m going to need a picture for my records at probably, like, a play date or two.

1) Gulliver - This Swift-inspired name would accompany a rough-and-tumble scruff-bucket companion. A dog is adventurous by nature, and you would destine him for greatness with the moniker of the greatest adventurer in the literary cannon. Other adventurous literary figures suitable for dog names include Huckleberry, Ahab, Jack Kerouac, and Aeneas.

2) John Krasinski – John Krasinski is obviously the best name for a charming and rambunctious, always smiling kind of animal. This name hinges on the personality of the dog. It has to have that effortless, Krasinski charm, or it’s just nonsense. I really love when dogs have first and last names, and I really, really love when dogs are named after minor celebrities/historical figures. To whit…

3) Any of the Bulls 90s starting lineup - You’ve got your Michael Jordan’s and Scottie Pippin’s, sure. But what about a tall red-haired dog named Luc Longley? Or a svelt brunette named Toni Kukoc? Oh, please, meet my rottweiler-mix Ron Harper. Sit, Steve Kerr! Good, Steve! But not Dennis Rodman. You do not want to set yourself up for failure by naming your dog Dennis Rodman.

4) Dr. Egon Spengler – “Why does that sound familiar?” you might be asking yourself. “Where is that name from?” you wonder. It’s from Ghost Busters. It’s the name of the esteemed scientist portrayed by the prolific Harold Ramis. The three part nature of this dog name makes it great. You could call him Doc or Egon for short, but when you need to scold him or really get his attention Dr. Egon Spengler will come out of your mouth melodiously.

5) Influential Figures from Your Line of Work – Are you an anthropologist? Then just IMAGINE the knowing laughs when you tell your colleagues your dog’s name is Leakey. Leakey the dog! Hysterical! Actors would have great success with an elegant French bulldog named Uta or Stanislavski. Fear not, businessmen, you too can have a work-inspired canine friend. How about Keynes? What a dignified dog.

This last one really is a choose your own adventure. And besides, what’s just a little creative work of your own when I’ve already given you so many helpful suggestions? You’re the one with a dog, after all, not me.

Just wondering if you managed to watch any of the Australian Bachelor during the wait for Andi's season? I watched The Bachelor Canada but I don't know if it was the format or the people but I found it a little dull, I'm so ready for Andi's season premiere. Also was so happy & surprised when I read about Renee!

I didn't get around to it which so dumb of me. But I'm hoping this summer with all my regular TV shows on hiatus to get some of it in. It is not super surprising that Canandian Bachelor was boring. I once endeavored to watch So You Think You Can Dance Canada, and it was so terrible I just stared at the screen slack-jawed. So I think I'll take your advice and stick to The Bachelor Australia. 

And yes! Renee! I love, love, love that she and Desiree seem to be besties too. They seem like a match made in heaven. Renee definitely deserved the kind of love not related to TV in the least, and I hope her life goes back to just being wonderful and full of love and zero Juan Pablo.

^^^Desiree Hartsock's instagram of the wedding reception, for which she was one of Renee's bridesmaids

Henley Monday - 

For the very first time, this week's Henley Monday has more than one person featured and the second is not wearing the shirt of honor. But it was only right to feature these two guys, only appropriate, the only respectable option.

We salute you Mr. Aaron Paul and Mr. Bryan Cranston for being stalwarts of incredible television these last few years. We'll certainly miss you as Messrs. White and Pinkman, yet we know we shall soon be seeing you in a great number of other roles due to the level of greatness on which you stand.

Good-bye for now, gents. Keep up the good work, and Aaron, keep up the choice of henley+cardigan combo.

Henley Monday - 

I really, sincerely hate April Fool's Day. I have never enjoyed practical jokes because they inevitably lead to somebody or somebody's THINGS getting hurt, and it also feels like International Everybody Thinks They Are a Terrific Comedian I'm So Funny LOL JOKES, RIGHT GUYS? Day. I hate it.

My feelings towards it and any and all participants thereof match David Beckham's face exactly. "Oh, but you so recently gave us Becks!" you might say. Yes, but you can never have too much David Beckham in a henley PLUS his hatred for this day is clearly written upon his furrowed brow.

Solidarity, Becks.

What We Can Learn from Ewan McGregor's Instagram

It has very recently come to my attention that the great Ewan McGregor has an Instagram account that he uses with regularity. And it is a thing of beauty. Are you thinking, "Oh, I don't know. I like his movies, but do I really want to see his big celebrity life in photos?" The answer is YES YOU DO. Why? Because these are the things we have to learn from him.

Ewan loves motorcycles.

Ewan especially loves his vintage 1929 motorcycle.

Ewan loves his dog Sid Smith.

Ewan loves his "bonnie" Scotland home.

Like, a lot.

Sometimes he loves Scotland and his dog at the same time.

Ewan wore a kilt to receive his OBE.

Ewan has an intricate half-sleeve tattoo that was done by Kat Von D.

Ewan really, really, really loves Sid Smith and misses him whenever they are twain. Going so far as to dedicate pictures to him. 

EWAN IS INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, BUT THIS IS NOT NEW INFORMATION JUST A FRIENDLY REMINDER.

And for even more great Ewan pics just follow him on Instagram already!

Henley Monday - 

I'm on a different computer today and do not have access to my huge stock file of henleys. And this image is the fruit that googling "celebrities henley" bore. AND SUCH RIPE, RICH FRUIT IT IS!

I'm sorry, do you NOT think Vinn Diesel is awesome? I'm sorry, do you NOT think that wearing aviators and holding a sword at the same time is the coolest thing he could possibly do? I'm sorry, do you think that adding a henley into the mix does not make the most perfect picture of a man of all time? 

If so then there is nothing more I can do for you except let you stew in your own fear that this exact Vinn Diesel will hunt you down for your treachery and foolishness.

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

The Bachelor - Episode 8 Recap

Love is dead and there is no point in going on. I don't know how much I can support the happiness of these people today because I watched last night's Downton Abbey. Did you?

SPOILERS AHEAD - Did you scream at the TV and shoulder shaking sob just as hard as you did when Lady Sybil died in her mother’s arms? BEAUSE LOVE IS DEAD. I CAN’T GO ON. I’M GOING TO STAY IN MY PAJAMA’S AND DRINK HEAVILY TO GET THROUGH THIS. SEAN WILL NEVER LOVE ANYONE LIKE MATTHEW LOVED MARY. JULIAN FELLOWES, HOW COULD YOU TAKE HIM FROM ME? HE HAD NO CHIN AND A PUDDING FACE BUT WAS SO SO HOT AND SO, SO PERFECT.

No more Downton related spoilers henceforth.

Let’s go on some hometown dates and meet Desiree’s horrible hillbilly brother.

AshLee and her adoptive family are up first in Houston. She has her tiny dog Bailey with her for their wee picnic date in a majestic field.  I assume her family is great with zero foreknowledge because if they were dramatic we’d have seen them in the previews.

“Here I am about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family,” AshLee gushes to camera which is a fun way to bend all the grammar rules for coherence. Ash is so super excited because she finally feels like she’s met a man who is as exceptional a man as her father. I want to hate that, but I can’t. I guess in my mourning I’ve become more lenient with them for saying cheesy things because, like, everyone deserves love.

AshLee’s house is exactly how you would picture the house of a preacher from Texas. Her father is a giant Texan with a mustache and her mom is portly and full of love. I love her parents immediately, and I speculate that they’d get along great with Sean’s family. AshLee cries when telling her parents about the polar bear plunge which is a little much, and then she makes her parents extremely uncomfortable by telling them they rolled around in the sand in St. Croix.

When Sean and her mother Deborah have their chat, guess what they talk about? You’ll never guess. It’s a real shock. Are you ready? Did you guess? Did you guess it was her adoption and abandonment issues? IT WAS! YOU WIN!

Her dad is protective but still very sweet. He gives Sean his blessing to ask AshLee to marry him should he so desire. And then her dad cries telling Sean how he fell in love with AshLee the moment he met her, and I cry a little because it’s a father’s love, you guys! It’s a really great hometown date; I’ll give it an A.

Cute Catherine and her hometown of Seattle are up next! Of course she is from Seattle. It makes perfect sense. They’re of course going to that famous Seattle farmer’s market and have adorable times. They do the famous fish throwing thing, and Sean gets involved and my heart gets a little involved with some of the burly fish mongers who are tossing fish about. I can’t imagine him smelling very good after that. Then they make the vegan catch dead and decapitated fish. I like that she’s game for it and is adorable while doing it. They are one beautiful couple, and can you just indulge me for a second and imagine how beautiful their multicultural kids would be? So beautiful.

Over lunch, Catherine gives Sean a crash course on Filipino culture, and MAN is she cute. He meets up with her mom, her grandma, and her two sisters. Their house is artsy and cozy and filled with culture and love. They have such a cute time. I have no other words. Everything is cute. Even grandma telling him he’s handsome in broken English.

Her sisters however are blank faced while they have a serious talk about their relationship. They are really combative, and she’s kind of frazzled by it. I totally understand why they would be protective and try to challenge her, so I hope she feels confident going forward.

When Sean and the sisters talk, I worry that they’re trying to dissuade him. The older sister really takes the lead on saying so many words, like a lot of words, to say almost nothing. They shit talk her, basically, and call her messy and moody and hyper-focused which SUCKS of them to do.

Her mom is the best one. She is warm but honest and very sincere in her responses to Sean as to her feelings about their relationship. When he asks for her blessing to ask her to marry him, she doesn’t give a straight answer. This worries him. In the end he feels like he ended up with more questions than he got answers. It was an A+ first half of the day, and a C meeting with the family. But I’m rooting for those two crazy kids!

Lindsay brings Sean down to Missouri to meet her military family in her military base hometown. It’s safe to say this isn’t where she grew up, but it’s where her family is now. So they have as nice a time you can have in a sleepy little town in Missourah. Lindsay is whatever and just kinda ditzy. Sean is red as a beat as he’s talking about meeting her dad who is a two-star general. He is a nervous little strawberry.

Oh good now it’s time for planned fun. Lindsay makes Sean put on a really cool mock turtle neck army t-shirt and olive-drab pants and makes him get “military” ready to meet her dad. He can’t stop giggling. I’m glad to have proof that no one looks good in a mock turtle neck. YA HEAR THAT, LL BEAN? NO ONE.

I understand why Sean is so nervous a little better when Lindsay explains that people who graduate from West Point come to Fort Wood to do their officer training and her dad is in charge of all of it. Her dad is in charge of the training of the people who survived West Point. So. Yeah. Sean’s nervousness is completely warranted.

Her mother is just all bubbles and her younger brother is shy and nice. Her dad is intimidating. She is just like her mother. Somehow I love the effervescence on her mother where I find it cloying on Lindsay. Her family makes me like her more. Dammit. During the chat with her mom, Sean says the same things he’s been saying the whole time. Lisa gives Sean her seal of approval.

The conversation he has with Lindsay’s dad is less warm. By no means is he scary or mean or horrible, but he’s concerned that his daughter will get hurt. When Sean asks for the marriage blessing, Papa General hems and haws over it. He’s very kind about it though, he’s not declining to answer because he’s a dick, he’s just explaining his thoughts the best he knows how. He ends up giving his blessing, and I totally love him. Her family is great, and they give him a set of identification tags from the Army and oops I’m crying. It’s just such a nice gesture. I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. A- minus overall hometown date.

Let the drama begin! We’re heading back to LA to meet Desiree’s family. I know she lives in Charleston, and for some reason I never would’ve thought her family lived in Los Angeles, particularly because of what I’ve seen of her hillbilly brother. They go hiking like I see people do in movies and TV shows all the time. She is great for admitting that she just wants to go on hikes and make out. Yeah, Dez. That is pretty great, girl. I feel you.

They walk into her house which is nice and not, in fact, a tent. The two of them make dinner together, and I’m confused about the family situation and what her family does now so as to afford a nice, stable home. When there’s a knock on the door, some dork in plaid shows up. Dez does not seem pleased. He wants to talk to Dez and tries to get the cameras to turn off. He says, non-convincingly, “Dez. I love you. I’ve been texting, calling you. Where’ve you been?”

“I’ve been busy,” she says and gestures to Sean.

Sean’s response is, “Wooooaaaah.” His wheels are turning pretty hard. Mine are too. I sense a prank.

The fight escalates, and Sean sticks up for her and tells this guy to hit the road. Then the truth is revealed. I bet it’s a prank. It is a prank. The goober guy is an actor, and Dez used it as payback for the terrible prank he pulled on her. But Dez wins on this one because she got to see Sean be protective and great. Still maybe not the best timing given his anxiety about meeting the fam?

Too bad the real drama is coming! We meet her mom Roxanne, her dad Tony, and her brother Nate. Nate has a tattoo of a necklace, so that’s a thing. Perpetually accessorized. Her father is just adorable, and you can see where she got her mega-watt smile. Her mother is too sweet. The conversation he had with her dad went well even though they didn’t show us. Everything seems great…until.

Nate is skeptical and inquisitive and accusatory. He’s weird. Nate thinks this is stupid. He said so. He doesn’t want her to fall for the “wrong dude.” He seems wise and full of worldly experience in addition to being the kind of guy from whom you’d take important life advice.

He pulls Sean aside for a heart-to-heart. Nate’s mouth is tiny and his ears are big. He accuses Sean of not feeling anything for his sister. He doesn’t believe that Sean reciprocates any emotion for his sister, but that is patently false. Sean is the epitome of diplomacy in how he’s talking to this guy coming at him hard and heavy.

“I think you’re just a playboy having fun with the circumstances,” Nate laughs at him. It’s rude.

Sean is riled up for real because his dignity and integrity are at stake now, and he can’t convince this hillbilly that he’s for real. In the end, Sean just clams up, and they head back inside to stop the conversation. Dez immediately knows something is wrong and the whole rest of the family tells Nate to shut up. They are embarrassed and awkward which is so disappointing because her parents are so sweet and DEZ IS THE BEST. COME ON. SEAN. DON’T DOUBT WHAT YOU HAVE HERE. YOU CAN FIX THINGS WITH HER BROTHER OR JUST GET OVER IT.

The only thing left is the rose ceremony back at the Bachelor Mansion. Sean tells us that he feels confident about seeing a future with AshLee and Lindsay, but a question mark lingers over Desiree and Catherine. FINALLY, we get a Chrarrison sit-down-talk-about-your-feelings-time.

Sean is confused. The only negative he has for Dez is her brother. The negative he has with Catherine is that she is a free-spirit and isn’t in a place where she’s ready to completely settle down and get married. The choice there is pretty clear-cut to me, but who knows what Sean is going to think.

As a side note, how in the name of all things is the girl who got out of the limo in a wedding dress and got blasted the first night in the semi-finals of this thing? How is that possible? That girl is my age, and I do not understand what is going on with her whole situation. LINDSAY.

Sean pregame huddles at the rose ceremony that standing before them he still doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. This is weighing heavily on his heart; as well it should be, but come on dude. Don’t be stupid.

Before he gives out even the first rose, Dez pulls him aside to talk to him. Her gold sequin dress rules. She cries trying to apologize for the way her brother behaved. She knows things aren’t good for her. He is calm and reassuring, BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING.

He calls AshLee first. Next he calls Lindsay, like we knew he would. And so now it’s down to my two favorites, and this blows. The little hamster powering his brain mill is running so fast while he agonizes with the last rose. He puts it down. HE PUTS IT DOWN. WHAT’S HE DOING?  HE WALKS AWAY. REAL TIME REATIONS HAPPENING I’VE HAD TOO MUCH WINE MAYBE. The intervention music starts up while he goes back to the room to look at the ladies’ pictures one more time.

So he puts the two girls through a tortuous wait while he figures out what he’s gonna do be\cause he didn’t figure it out before! Sean! Get your shit together! He finally comes back into the room to deal the final blow to one girl.

He calls Catherine’s name. Oh no. Oh boy. I am breaking inside for Desiree. I cannot believe Sean let her brother ruin this. OH WELL. DEZ FOR THE NEXT BACHELORETTE. COME ON NOW. WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO MARRY THAT BRIDAL CONSULTANT WITH A SMILE AS BRIGHT AS THE SUN?! I’M SO HURT BY THIS DECISION SEAN, BUT YOU’LL BE SORRY WHEN SHE FINDS THE MAN OF HER DREAMS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER AND YOU ARE SINGLE WITHIN 8 MONTHS OR LESS.

SEE YOU LATER SUCKER; I’M ON DEZ’S SIDE NOW. I MEAN, PICK WHO YOU’RE GONNA PICK, BUT DEZ IS THE BEST AND YOU ARE A DOOFUS FOR NOT SEEING IT. Just propose to whoever you’re going to propose to on that rice paddy in Thailand so we can move on to Dez finding love.

Alright, well, because God hates me, there is a surprise tomorrow night in the form of a Sean Tells All special. I will see you all for that journeyers because this man has some major ‘splaining to do. But for now I’m heading back to my wine. Back. to my. wine.

Henley Monday - 

It is no secret to my readers/friends/family/colleagues/casual acquaintances that Chris Evans is my main squeeze. And what with the last month's ever increasing publicity for the new Captain America: The Winter Soldier premiering here in the states in JUST THREE DAYS, I've been like a hog in mud. So much Chris Evans everywhere all the time in all sorts of outfits like sweaters and tuxes and THREE PIECE EMERALD GREEN SUITS (IT WAS REAL. IT HAPPENED.).

But perhaps no piece of clothing has been favored quite like the henley. The first picture is from a day of press he did and there are infinity shots of him and his tattoo out here on tumblr for you. I just picked one of my faves. And the second photo is from his spread in the current issue of Variety. And there were at least three other henleys that aren't even pictured here. I mean, my cup runneth over!

HAPPY CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER WEEK EVERYBODY!