Are You Going To Be Doing Recaps For This Bachelorette Season?

Celine means this song so hard that I really do feel like she is my lady, and I am her man. Every flap of her arm and beat on her chest proves just how deeply she really, really means it.

Henley Monday - Late Edition

As promised I bring you the second installment of today's double issue of Henley Monday.

It's Alexander Skarsgard. The second star of True Blood to be featured in the series, but how could I resist? How could anyone resist that stoic Scandinavian expression? Those eyes? That HAIR? These guys are KILLING IT with the henley/hair combos!

He stares as if to beckon you to join him on that bed of leaves and stare up at the clouds in the autumn sky as you while away the hours together warmed by the sun and the laughter you share. *sigh*

Henley Monday -

What are you doing on Tumblr?! It's time to focus up and get that Christmas shopping done! You've got just a little over a week to go and time is running out for those free shipping offers to get delivered by Christmas. Not to be such the Christmas Angel of Commercialism, but really, I'm starting to panic for the one or two people left in my life for whom I have no gift, and worse yet, not even an idea for a gift.

Ok so maybe with all the holiday stress, you and I both deserve a little down time to gaze upon the majestic form of Matt Damon looking really, really trim and cut and upside-down-triangle-y. Those balloons just made him giggle in delight and now I'm beginning to calm down a little.

The Bachelor - Episode 5 Recap

"Either I live or I die or I poop my pants"

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! HELLO!!! I may be two days late but I PROMISE not to be a dollar short. It’s been a bizarre week of my life, but I think things in Vietnam will prove to be even stranger. And we’ve also been promised some saucy pushing of the limits by some of the contestants to which I say: LET US SAUCE AWAY!

Juan Pablo is rightly stunned by the dynamic beauty of Vietnam. I think I know what you’re wondering though, “Will someone say ‘Good morning Vietnam’?”. YOU GUYS. YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT. SOMEONE DOES. IT’S CLARE. Let’s be real for one second though: I would kill to be staying in that suite, in that hotel, in Vietnam. Tengo celos, my friends.

Renee gets the first one-on-Juan. Thank God. It’s been a long time coming for Renee who has quickly become not only a front-runner but a fan-favorite.  She is full-cylinders, gunning for a kiss today.

“I can’t wait to make her enjoy the day and meet the world and see a different culture and eat some weird stuff,” Juan Pablo tells us about his excitement for the date with Renee today. I mean how magnificent is that run-on sentence?  Juan Pablo does get all serious for a second and say he really likes that Renee is also a single-parent and is the same age as him. At least the man has a tiny bit of sense.

Juan Pablo drives a pedi-cab over to a dress shop where they will have a tailor made dress fashioned for Renee out of beautiful silk. I mean wow. I want a tailor-made silk dress. Renee is so sweet and so kind. The two of them do have a very natural chemistry I have to say. They wander about the streets and eat fruits and buy their kids souvenirs and buy flowers. They are just very at ease together.  I don’t know, guys, maybe these two have a chance? I was worried she was going to be too platonic, but maybe not?

Night has fallen and the beautiful lights on the river are lit. Renee emerges in her custom dress of this rich purple and blue pattern. It’s beautiful.

“She looks good on those dress!” salivates Juan Pablo. Although not quite in the cartoon wolf way he salivates over say, a Kat or a Clare.

They talk about her ex-husband/baby-daddy at dinner. “I see her and I see myself,” admits Juan Pablo. I DON’T KNOW GUYS, HE SEEMS LIKE HE ACTUALLY REALLY LIKES HER. I feel like he has a more physical connection with some of the other women, but I think JuanPa knows, deep in his corazon, that Renee is a person he could be with as another human person.

Totes obvi Renee gets the rose. And then an amazing thing happens. They walk down to the river and they get to make a wish on tiny paper lanterns that they set afloat. Renee wishes for a kiss because she is like a dog with a bone with getting her lips on his lips. But no dice, Renee. Juan Pablo wants to be respectful of your son, so with you he’s taking things slow.

After that little aperitif, we move onto the meat and potatoes of the episode: the big group date. “Can you go with the flow?” reads the date card. Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Clare, Kelly, Ali, Danielle and Andi who is pissed about being on a group date once again, are all ready to explore. I really hope that it becomes a dissent into madness in the style of Hearts of Darkness. I would love to see Clare sitting on a bamboo throne professing her triumph over these mortal women a la Dennis Hopper. THE HORROR!

But enough of my fever jungle dreams! They are actually going boating in these adorable circular bamboo boats. Think of it as a semi-spherical canoe. They pair up ,and would you believe it? Clare elbows her way into being paired with Juan Pablo.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. I love and cherish you. “Clare doesn’t have any friends in the house, so when Juan Pablo says pair up, everyone has a friend…but Clare. For the first time in history having no friends works to your advantage.” IT’S LIKE SHE’S DOING MY JOB FOR ME!

Of course JP and Clare immediately get stuck and Juan Pablo steals a kiss. So, that seems inconsistent. I think his idea at this point is that he can kiss the women he’s already kissed as much as he wants, but no new women will be kissed. It’s a very exclusive club troubled by severely flawed logic. Your daughter won’t care how many women you kissed, but she will care WHICH women you kissed and how much and how many other women it was in front of.

And of course, all the women see him kiss Clare. The general consensus is that it is eight women are along for the ride of Clare and Juan Pablo’s one-on-one. Chelsie agrees by describing how romantic her morning with her friend Ali has been.

After shoring up, they wander onto a farm where they are each given a traditional straw hat (Yup, it’s that one you’re trying to make yourself not think of because you’re worried it’s racist – it’s that hat), and a knife and a basket. They are taken out into the fields where they are helping to pick the produce for their dinner.

Cassandra, bless her simple heart, looks hilarious in the hat and is telling us all about the farm and how everyone works together in one big community and that “I was telling the other girls that we should have this in America”. And I don’t know. It might be the hat, or her simple voice paired with a sweet smile, or the bizarre yet earnest intonation of her words, but I laugh about that, all alone on my couch, for a good thirty seconds.

Then Andi has a little temper tantrum on the commune and Juan Pablo sooths her WHILE WEARING THE HAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE FACT THAT ALL THESE GENUINE MOMENTS ARE HAPPENING IN THESE HATS.

After the day’s work, they sit down to a huge, beautiful feast. I mean it is traditional Vietnamese food cooked fresh from the field! I want that! The consensus continues to be that Clare is the worst.

“Clare knows what she wants and she’s here to get it. And that’s Juan Pablo,” Kelly says. “And can we hate her for that?...Well I mean, we can.” KELLY YOU ARE AN AMAZING, SPECIAL FLOWER! DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE!

At the cocktail party, everyone has exotic looking cocktails with what I swear is an entire Granny Smith apple carved on top. Clare gets pulled away first with Juan Pablo which sets the girls’ hackles on high. Everyone is like, “Welp, seems about right.”

Oh hey, Danielle is still there. Just a reminder because they don’t let her talk.

Juan Pablo now brings Clare up to see his suite. Why? Why? Why? ¿Por qué? They have solo swim time and are getting pretty handsy and kissy-kissy. Clare is nothing but completely proud of herself in all her interviews. I hate Clare -The end, by Cassie Niespo.

How long are they gone? They must be gone forever, but we don’t see the girls’ reaction on their return because we immediately see Sharleen’s alone time with Juan. They sit on the beach and cuddle.  “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears,” says Sharleen, which is a cute/weird take on the “bagel on a plate full of onion rolls” line from Funny Girl.

Andi is still questioning what’s happening between her and JP. She talks about it again with him during her time. They cuddle on the beach and end up making out. She really wants the rose and frankly, I think she deserves it.

Clare gets the date rose though because Juan Pablo is at least consistent in his horn-dog, sexually clouded judgement.

As the girls get back from their date, Clare decides she doesn’t want the night to end AND that she wants to swim in a warm ocean! I think that’s what we’re calling sex now! Swimming in a warm ocean! So she sneaks off back to JP’s suite, and he’s like, “Yeah let’s do it” because penis.

Clare describes the ocean as “waves of hot, warm bath water” which sounds so, so romantic: hot, warm bath water. They get pretty hot and heavy in the water and probably do some stuff under the water we don’t get to see. More on that later…

…Because now it’s time for potential mean-girl Nikki to get her one-on-Juan date! Nikki is wearing an impossibly stupid sparkly headband across her forehead. Can you imagine how irritating that would be when you’re sweating profusely in the jungles of Vietnam?

They walk through a beautiful, jungle mountain path. It’s amazing. And then they get to the surprise. And the surprise is yet another Fear Factor challenge. They are repelling down a giant hole in the ground into complete blackness to explore a cave. It’s so deep and so dark that they can’t see the bottom. Nikki is freaking out AND RIGHTLY SO. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HAD TO TYPE THOSE WORDS RE: DATES ON THIS SHOW? WHY DO WE KEEP FRIGHTENING WOMEN INTO LOVE ALL FOR THE SAKE OF A STRAINED METAPHOR ABOUT LOVE AND TRUST AND RELATIONSHIPS???

“Either I live or I die or I poop my pants,” Nikki confesses. Yup. That about sums it up. I like her for that for about one minute until she makes another metaphor about falling and trust and love. SHOW DON’T TELL, NIKKI. Show don’t tell.

She has a genuinely difficult time going down the cave, so when they are stopped to catch their breath, Juan Pablo kisses her. And that, allegedly, gives her the strength to keep going. How splendid. His kisses are magical and medicinal.

Oh also I forgot to mention the cave is called “Hell”. How playful!

At night they have dinner in another tricked out cave. He touches her hair and her left ear a lot. They talk about how she is not a morning person and that it’s good to admit faults so you seem more realistic. Sure. True, true.

“Every day I’m helping people, but when I look back, I realize they are helping me too,” Nikki tells Juan Pablo in what I’m sure she thinks is an incredibly vulnerable and wise moment. I again laugh for an extended period of time.

She gets the rose.

The rose ceremony tonight is from another world of beauty. The women arrive by barge in their lovely dresses to a lantern lit oasis on the river. But things will not stay so Eden-esque forever. Three women are going home tonight, and you can see the tension in the room rise to threat level midnight© at the announcement.

As he sneaks each woman off one by one he gives us the run down on how and why he likes them. When it comes to Renee’s time, they talk about her son Ben and how he’s very mature for an 8 year old, and would “not be pissed” at Juan Pablo for kissing her. “So he wouldn’t be pissed at me” he says, and she says, “No! He wouldn’t be pissed at you!” And he KISSES HER. LIKE HE MEANS IT. It’s a good looking kiss, y’all. Renee is on cloud nine. She earned this. I just hope that he understands that their relationship is stronger for it and that kiss was way better because of delayed gratification (Tom Hiddleston and Cookie Monster know what I’m talking about).

And then, oh then, we move on to Clare and the Rising Regret of a Romp in the Raging Ocean. Juan Pablo confronts her and tries his best to express why he’s not feeling the best about their intimate time in the ocean the other night.

“I’m trying to be as fair as possible,” he keeps saying in an attempt to explain that he wants to give everyone equal time to build their relationships. Which, I guess, ok maybe.

“It’s not about fair. It’s about how you feel,” Clare fires back. But this is not the way to sooth JP.

She starts to cry and Juan Pablo tries to have her look at him and look him in the eyes so he tries to turn her head and then he cranes his neck to kind of peer through her hair as she cries.

“Don’t cry anymore, ok? Can you stop crying for me, please? Don’t be stupid. I’m telling you it’s ok. I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.”

ALL THAT AND MORE HITS FROM THE TOP SELLING RECORDING ARTIST: PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG HORRIBLE PARTNER IN LOVE AND LIFE!

Basically what it comes down to is that Juan Pablo would not want his daughter to see what happened between them in the ocean the other night. Again, fair. But also we really didn’t see that much so I feel like he regrets taking it to a place physically that we weren’t necessarily privy to. I don’t know, man! At least you didn’t skinny dip with the show’s greatest villain of all time BEN AND COURTNEY.

Clare feels awful because “all she wanted to do was swim in the ocean” and did not at all want to disrespect the relationship Juan Pablo has with his daughter. I also see her point. Do I like Clare very much? Not at all. Do I think Juan Pablo is slut-shaming her a little bit over virtually nothing? Yes. Not good on you, Juan Pablo. Bad form.

She runs off to a corner of the garden to cry more and he keeps insisting that she look at him. He wants her to delete the conversation from her memory.  “If he didn’t think it was right, he shouldn’t have done it,” she weeps to camera. I mean, yes but also honey you knew you were using your feminine wiles to beguile him. But also no slut shaming? But they just SWAM IN THE OCEAN. WE ARE MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL HERE. Clare ends by saying an ominous “I don’t know where we go from here.”

But we must inevitably come to the rose ceremony where three women will be sent home. Renee, Clare, and Nikki all have roses from the dates, then he calls out, in order: Sharleen, Cassandra, Chelsie, Kat, and just to make her sweat buckets, he calls Andi last.

That means that Ali and Danielle are going home along with KELLY! THE DOG LOVER AND MY KINDRED SPIRIT! DEAR SWEET KELLY, YOU ALWAYS HAD SUCH AMAZING QUIPS AND SOUNDBYTES FOR US, AND YOUR “TIRED OF IT” EXPRESSION BROUGHT SUCH A LIGHT TO THE SHOW. DON’T LET ANYONE TAKE YOUR SPARKLE, AND I PRAY THAT THEY RESURRECT BACHELOR PAD SOLELY TO GET MORE OF YOUR RAZOR WIT ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN.

Juan Pablo and many of the women cry. It’s an emotional rose ceremony, to be sure. But everyone will have to raise their spirits because next week they are HIKING THE TRAIL TO MORDOR! THAT’S RIGHT! STRAIGHT TO MIDDLE EARTH ITSELF: NEW ZEALAND. LOTS OF CAPS!

So next week we will be posting at our regularly scheduled posting with all new sordid adventures. Are you ready for the number of LOTR/Hobbit jokes I’ll be making? Are you? If not, follow me over on @Chasspod to get acclimated, if you are, then still follow me @chasspod because lots of LOTR jokes happen there.

Henley Monday - New Years Eve 2012 Special

Hey ladies, hey gentleman, it's Ryan Gosling our Patron Saint of Henleys all lit up to bring you happy holiday tidings and wishes for a happy new year ahead of you. Because it's the end of the year, and you've worked so hard to come so far, he thought he'd extend to you a gift. A special mega edition of Henley Monday featuring not just one picture, but SEVEN pictures of SEVEN DIFFERENT MEN in henleys.

HAPPY NEW YEAR LOVE THE MEN OF THE AVENGERS ALL WEARING HENLEYS!!!

Jeremy Renner shooting Cupid's arrow straight through your heart for much love in your year.

The Honorable RDJ smiles down wishes for a prosperous 2013 full of fortune, fame, and delicious shwarma.

Chris Evans stews over the ways he wants to bring peace and goodwill to all here in America and all over the globe.

Giant Chris Hemsworth is tenderly cradling his teensy-tinesy baby girl just as he tenderly cradles your hopes and dreams.

Mark Ruffalo wants you to stand up for something, whether it be for yourself or for the rights of others. Don't get angry, get active!

And finally, Tom Hiddleston, with the help of our dear friend Benedict Cumberbatch, want to remind you to be safe, be great, and be productive in the coming year.

Love to all you out there, and Happy New Year!!!

The Bachelorette - Episode 5 Recap

Wowee, everybody. It feels like EONS since last we met and Andi was handing out roses like freshly minted hundred dollar bills. But thanks to the grace of network television, we’re back. And this week Andi and her rugged band of brigands are off to the beautiful Mediterranean shores of Marseilles, France.

We’re now at the part of the show where I feel deeply jealous of these hooligans who are traveling to some of the most beautiful places in the world on ABC’s dime. Lucky bastards. Marseilles is obviously beautiful with that old world, French charm with markets and stone buildings and docks of big boats.

The boys arrive hooting and hollering random words in French to make sure the French know they are there and continue to hate them.  After they settle into what I would call one of the more moderate plush ass suites, Josh gets the first date card.

Before we get the Josh Suave Shakedown, Andi has some council with the one and only Chrarrison! He sneaks up behind her at an open air café wearing, WHAT ELSE but a TURTLENECK. If someone had sat me down before this season started and asked me what the most absurd recurring theme was going to be, I never would have guessed TURTLENECKS. What is this, NINETEEN NINETY-SIX?

Chrarrison is charming as ever and so is Andi. They have a great natural chemistry, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Ashley’s season on the Bachelorette. Chrarrs asks her point blank if she’s falling in love, and she avoids the question by saying “Shit…”. She admits it’s not just with one guy though! OOoooOO! Chris gets a few positive-spin zingers in there.  More Chrarrison time please. That was fun.

The two little lovebirds are going to be exploring Marseilles together, simple as that. Where would this show be without open air markets? How many a time has love been found between the stalls of friendly artisans and farmers and cheese mongers selling their wares? They order two sandwiches that are never to be seen again, and then when walking down a street that has both water and boats docked beside it, Andi says, “So I guess this is like a harbor.”

Yes, Andi. This is “like” a harbor. Boats + dock + water = harbor.

And the next thing you know they are slicing through the water in a boat. If Andi and Chris have good friendship chemistry, the sexual chemistry between Andi and Josh is dynamite. These two are hot for each other but also manage to have an actual discussion about his career while canoodling on the front of a boat in the Mediterranean Sea.

Back at L’Hotel de Douche, Andrew is getting antsy about proving to Andi who he really is as a person. He’s hoping his name isn’t on the group date card that Dylan Bad Hair-Good Face is reading right now. We’ve got Marcus, Dylan BH-GF, Chris, Cody, JJ, Marquel, Nick, Patrick, and Andrew. Andrew and his snaggle tooth are none too pleased.

Josh and Andi’s boat drops them off at a place called The Calanques, some stunning wooded rock formations in the sea. It’s like something out of a fantasy novel. They walk up to a singular wooden bench as if production was like “Eh, you’re on a rock formation. You’ll get those Pier 1 pillows when you’re back on terra firma.”

They talk more about Josh’s baseball career, but at the heart of it, Andi is concerned that their physical connection is the only thing they have. She even invokes the name of You-Know-Who Juan Pablo saying they had a great physical connection but, “Oh my GOD, I could never be with him!”. So we’ll see. Right now I have a touch more faith in Josh than Juanie-P.

But we have other things to talk about like Andrew’s snaggle tooth and apparent RACISM. In L’Hotel de Douche (which I now realize in French means Shower Hotel and not Douche Hotel BUT I WILL PRESS ON), JJ tells Marquel that at the very first rose ceremony after Marquel got his rose, Andrew nudged JJ and said, “Oh she gave them to the two blackies.”

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..……….WHAT?

BLACKIES!? IS THIS THE EIGHTEEN NINETIES? WHAT THE HELL, ANDREW? I mean does this show have an awe-inspiring lack of diversity? Yes. But let’s not use the incredibly offensive and outdated word BLACKIES. BLACKIE. WHAT THE ACTUAL F*** ANDREW? It’s so offensive I can’t fully wrap my mind around it. And Marquel is rightfully steamed and confused about what to do. On the one hand, we know Andrew is an ass that will deny it. On the other hand, Marquel has a right to call someone out for so thoroughly disrespecting him.

Marquel gets emotional talking to camera about why he’s so conflicted about this. He doesn’t want to stir up trouble, but it hurts him that “No matter how you treat someone, they still have this idea of you. You know? Judge me off of me. It’s crazy to think that the first thing people are gonna think about me is ‘Ok that’s a black guy’ and that’s it.” I am frustrated that Marquel feels he has to defend himself for being hurt that someone was goddamn racist towards him. I am frustrated that Marquel is having to deal with this period.

THIS SHOW IS MAKING ME DEAL WITH A LOT OF REALNESS THIS SEASON. FIRST DEATH AND NOW RACISM? I don’t come here for things that we talk about in real life. I come here for theater of the absurd!

Somehow there is still a date going on. Josh and Andi pull up to Palais Longchamp which is a legitimate palace. It is stunning. They are all gussied up and looking beautiful. Andi is really feeling like tonight is a chance to have a deep discussion with Josh and connect on a deeper level. They use the word “athlete” as a defining characteristic more than one would think possible.

They are talking incredibly close. Lots of close talking about love and past relationships blaaaah blah blah. Andi clearly gets what she wants in terms of an emotional connection with Josh. He gets the rose. And then we have another private concert! This time it’s from Ben Fields. They dance and kiss. The End!

Now let’s get this group date drama started! We’ve got Marquel and Andrew trapped together and we’ve also been promised some words between Cody and Nick.

Ohhhh giddyup. Start your engines, kids! It’s MIME TIME! That’s right the boys are doing mime, Andi says in the producer-concocted theory that it’s really about teaching them the importance of non-verbal communication in relationships.

“I know absolutely nothing about miming except they use a lot of like their hands and…do activities,” Dylan says with the least amount of enthusiasm.  Oh Dylan. You sweet baboon. Your hair is ok today and it’s making that good face of yours look even better.

After a good instruction session from an adorable old French mime, they guys get changed into traditional garb to go perform on the square. This is embarrassing not only for them but also for America, and I would like to propose a retroactive petition for them to not.

Except they very quickly win me over because the adorableness factor is through the roof! Farmer Chris jumps right up there and does his best mime. The people of Marseilles are indifferent at best. It comes as no surprise to me that Marquel, who is a clown in everyday life, is super into mime and is probably the best one.

After the initial awkwardness, all the guys get into it and it does look like fun. Mostly the kids of the town come out and the guys are great with them. JJ shines by being so positive and ADORABLE. Everyone is having fun…except for one person. Andi calls out Nick for pouting.

“Salty, salty Nick,” Andi says. He’s upset to be on a group date and sharing his time with Andi. Andi’s thoughts are to suck it up, basically.

At the cocktail party, Andi has done the unthinkable and donned YET ANOTHER turtleneck sweater. She's got this cute little french ponytail hair situation and a black f***ing turtleneck. We are living in this reality.

JJ pulls Andi aside right away. He (the producers) had this great idea of stealing Andi away for some extended one on one time. So he (the producers) took her on the Ferris Wheel at night. It’s beautiful and quite romantic. I also just adore JJ and his endless supply of good fashion sense.

All is not quiet on the Western Front, however, as the guys start to dig into Nick a little bit for basically being a smug bastard this whole date. They say he always acts like he’s above it all and acts as if he knows he’s “the front runner”. Even Patrick, who is hot but friends with Andrew and therefore of questionable moral fiber, calls him out saying there’s a difference between confidence and being an asshole. Cody straight up asks him, “Do you think you’re the front runner in all this?”

And Nick replies, “Eh. Yeah.” Which is bold. Boldy-boldy, bold move in front of all these other alpha dogs. And just then Andi and JJ come back in. JJ is precious and wearing a big dumb smile, but Andi immediately senses the tension.

Farmer Chris tells Andi a little bit about the things being said, but he’s even scared to tell her like the sweet, sweet puppy of a man he is. Andi realizes that if Nicest Guy in the World Chris is saying something, she needs to look into it.

Cody is still laying into Nick and keeps throwing the words “homie” and “bro” around. Cody is accusing Nick of mocking him for some random something about being grateful? He keeps saying “homie” though, and it’s hard to take his stake in the conversation seriously when he says “homie” every third word.

So when Nick and Andi have their time she calls him out for being “salty” during the date despite him telling her he had fun. I somehow don’t believe him. She tries to press him about what the drama is between him and the guys right now. He is forthright about the details, but Andi points out how much he’s downplaying the whole situation. She wonders if he’s not emotionally manipulating her.

But don’t worry. Don’t you worry your pretty little heads because Nick has a POEM. A POEM. To read to Andi. Look. Chris put me through the ringer last season with his poetry and it was all garbage and he won, but still. Do you guys know how difficult it is to transcribe each line of that garbage? It is difficult and it means I get to suffer through it five or six times as many times as other people. SO I’M NOT GONNA DO IT. You can’t make me. He says some choice words like “When I look at you I see beauty/ When I look at you I see strength” so let that just paint the outlines of the picture with words he painted.

She seems guarded during the whole exchange because I think she realizes how much she likes him but also realizes that there might be a side to him she doesn’t see. So we’ll see with Nick. I still like him, but I think he needs to shape up or ship out.

AND THE DRAMA CONTINUES as Marquel confronts Andrew in front of the other guys which is a good idea so that things don’t get out of hand. Marquel just places the facts out there but doesn’t throw JJ under the bus. He is very calm and mature about the whole ordeal. Andrew reacts pretty strongly that he did not say that at all. He is clear about how he aims to treat every single person in the house with equal respect, regardless of who they are, where they come from, or how much money they make.

I think the argument could be made either way here. Since we don’t have proof, we have to speculate. Either Andrew was reacting strongly because it would be terrible to be accused of saying something so offensive and derogatory towards someone, or Andrew reacted that way because he wanted to overcompensate for actually saying that not wanting to get caught in being a “bad guy”.

But we aren’t here for philosophical debates; we’re here for some sappy romance and overproduced special moments. So JJ gets the rose for being adorable and taking her on a Ferris wheel! Nick is being a pouty-pouty poo-poo about this.

Brian has the final one-on-one. He is nervous for his date because he knows they’re going to be cooking. They trek off through picturesque Marseilles, and then they pop into the “cinema” to watch a movie. Cinema seems a little generous for the vacant potato cellar they are occupying. It’s an empty stone room with a projection screen and a leather couch and one sad popcorn machine.

They watch a movie called “The 100 Foot Journey” about an Indian man and French woman falling in love through cooking.  I kind of want to see it with my mom real bad. Helen Mirren is in it.

Brian and Andi try their damndest to make analogies for how the movie is like a relationship. Whatever guys, the good part is them going through the market and picking out the foods to make their dinner. I’m jealous.  They get frog legs to prepare like a couple of professional amateurs.

As they arrive at Andi’s super cute apartment though, things get strange. Brian gets very quiet because he’s so nervous to be in the kitchen. Andi is put off a lot by this because the mood before was so free and easy and now it’s tense and strange. It should be a romantic fun time, but Brian’s nerves are getting the better of him.

They try the frog legs and both hate them, and Andi’s also feeling like there’s no flavor in the relationship. So they scrap all the food they made and get boeuf bourguignon at an outdoor café. They love the food, and now Brian is realizing that he should’ve been more open while they were cooking. He tries to open up and calls out that he was just feeling shy in the kitchen. They kiss and smile a lot. And he gets the rose. Then he takes her back into the kitchen of the café to kiss her and make up for not doing it in the apartment earlier. Smooth move, buddy. Smoothiest.

In the darkening twilight of a palatial estate, a Rolls Royce brings Andi her men to the cocktail party. Andi’s hair is in a big voluminous braid and a sequined dark blue dress. They match the romantic décor of the estate perfectly. She sits down with the Chrarrison to hash out what she wants to do this week. Andi doesn’t need a cocktail party because she feels sure of which relationships aren’t going anywhere. She is cutting three guys.

This throws the guys into a downright tizzy. They are all visibly deflated about not getting a final chance to talk to Andi. Dylan’s bad hair is the worst it’s been. He has it parted down the center and then the front little tendrils are expertly gelled. Why didn’t anyone stop him? JJ I’m blaming you.

Josh, JJ, and Brian are on a separate pedestal for they have already received roses. Andi walks out and gets the ball rolling. Roses go out to Marcus, Nick, Chris, Dylan BH-GF, and the final rose goes to CODY. I make a noise like a swooping bald eagle because CODY? F***ING CODY? HE’S THE BIGGEST JABRONIE AROUND.

So Andrew, Patrick, and Marquel are going home. I think it’s time for Andrew, but Andrew was his own worst enemy. He’s blaming everyone else for the fact that he didn’t have a stronger connection with Andi. Which is definitely a quality one wants in a partner. Patrick is upset and tells us, “I have been told by many people, not just girls, that I have many qualities that would make me paramount as a husband.” Which….where do I start? I’ll start with SHUT UP YOU TWAT. And I think we’ll end there too. Shut up. You twat.

Marquel is the one I’m saddest to see go because he was the most genuine guy out of those three. He was a clown, but he was a nice guy who was a class act through every moment. Best of luck to you Marquel! Please don’t allow yourself to feel down about the fact that you were cut at the same time as Andrew and Patrick the Douche Patrol.

That’s it for this week. Next week we are moving on to Venice where there will be masquerades and gondolas and, of course, the famous Venetian Lie Detector Test that Shall Stir Up Much Displeasure Amongst All Parties Involved.

I can’t wait.

Until then, I’ll be over here. Doing my thing and posting pics of hot guys and random youtube videos of Tom Hiddleston. And I’ll be over on Twitter @chasspod extolling the various virtues of certain World Cup players bodies. Ciao, bello!

The Bachelor - Finale Recap

Oh. My. Goodness. Here we are. We are here. We have made it. Mere minutes stand between us and knowing who Sean picks to be his wife.

I hope you all at home had your game rules handy because man are we going to need to imbibe to get through this one. We've got family; we've got elephants; we've got tiny river barges; we've got laughter; we've got tears; we've got too much of Sean's tongue; we've got dramaaaaa!

Who's ready? I am!

Chris Harrison welcomes us to the live studio where alongside an audience, we’ll all be tuning into the finale together. He calls it “a historic three-hour finale”, and would we classify this event as historic?

Like a little Teasey McTeaserson Chrarrison informs us that he has late breaking Bachelor news about Sean and his “quest for love that very well could provide one of the most beautiful moments in Bachelor history.” WHAT IS IT, CHRARRISON?! WHAT COULD IT BE!? IS IT A BABY? DID THEY ELOPE? ARE HE AND EMILY BACK TOGETHER? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE?

With no further adieu, we jump right into the heart of Thailand and Sean’s quest for everlasting love. Just like Montana, Canada, St. Croix, other places in Thailand, and anywhere he went on Emily’s season, THIS part of Thailand is the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen. Sean has now seen a lot of places, each more superlative than the last most beautiful place he has ever seen.

His family arrives. I forgot that his adorable niece is named Kensington which means she’s going to be horrible when she’s about thirteen. The rest of his very, very, very, very white family arrives. Most importantly his cartoonishly precious dad is there in his glasses and tucked-in polo shirt.

His nephew Smith astutely points out to Sean that “Emily didn’t pick you.” And Sean goes, “No, Emily didn’t pick me. That’s hilarious.” And in that moment Smith learned about “too soon.”

HIS BROTHER-IN-LAW IS A MAJOR BEEF CAKE. Who is this guy?! Show him more! He looks like a sexy Jason Street from Friday Night Lights.

Sean’s mother is skeptical like any reasonable, rational, grounded-in-reality type of mother would be.

Catherine arrives in one of Thailand’s signature monsoons. She, like a reasonable, rational person is nervous to meet her potential future in-laws. Sean’s dad Jay jumps right into some light questions. Jay asks if Catherine played any sports in high school. Jay is so precocious that he is allowed to ask inane and bizarre questions like that. He adores Catherine’s answer that she played football in sixth grade and is besotted with her.

It has got to be six million degrees and 1000% humidity in Thailand, and they are eating on the lanai. Everybody is visibly sweating.

In her sit-down talk with his mother, she is very calm, cool, and collected. It seems like an actual piece of a normal conversation one might have with a future mother-in-law. Catherine talks about Sean like he’s a real person she’s in love with, and not a prince charming who is flawless and full of perfection. I like her so much. His mom wraps it up by calling her a “lovely lady.”

Now it’s time for the Jay Lowe Show! On a gazebo on a pond, Jay has a talk with Catherine about how she believes in the “Bachelor Process” (drink!). Jay smiles and nods along like an enthusiastic baby bird. “I know that we are going to have hardships, but you fight for [love]. And I’m a fighter,” she tells him.

Then he replies with this: “When Shay married Andrew, he became my best friend, and I love him. Ok? And so if it’s you that Sean ends up marrying, you will never have a bigger fan than me. And that’s the truth. I’ll love you like my daughter, and there’s gonna be no holding that back. I’m gonna support you.”

Catherine and I tear up. Those are some lovely, lovely words. A father’s love, man! A father’s love! We all know how challenging her relationship with her father is! What better words could he have said? None! There were none better words than those! Jay Lowe, I love you. You deserve your own show.

You guys if I had known how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be this episode, I would have included it in the game rules. But I don’t think any of us could’ve anticipated just how many shots of people working on rice paddies there would be.

Lindsay’s chariot pulls up next, and she squeaks out of the van and into the living room of Sean’s waiting family. Linds is OMG so nervous. They talk about feeding monkeys on the beach again just to enrage me. “Oh my God,” Lindsay squeals, “That was like the coolest thing ever.” Everyone has some good giggles.

Jay and Shay (oh no I just noticed that- why rhyming names?) bring up Lindsay’s grand entrance in her wedding dress after too much champagne. Everyone laughs but still gets to gently rib her.

Lindsay sits down first with Jay to have their talk. When he asks the same question he asked Catherine “how do you know when you’re in love for life before you get married?” Lindsay’s response is…lacking, shall we say. She is practically yelling, “I just know! I want to hang out with him! I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life! He just gets me! He is so supportive! He makes me feel beautiful! He’s everything that I’ve been looking for and more!” As true as all of those statements might be, they are just statements. They are just a bunch of true facts about how much Lindsey likes Sean that have nothing to do with being sure about the longevity of the love you share.

Jay tries to get things back on track by asking about how to solve conflicts in marriage, and Lindsay gives a fine, Miss America type answer about compromise and meeting in the middle. He also tells her that they prayed every day of Sean’s life for Sean’s wife, and he says that he’d be happy if his wife turns out to be Lindsey. This is still sweet, but not quite as amazing as what he told Catherine.

She wraps up the talk by asking for Sean’s hand in marriage and BOY do they have a good chuckle over that joke! HOOwee that was a doozy!

Now it’s mom’s turn. They talk about standard things like wanting the same things out of life and being able to talk to each other about everything. Lindsey tears up and gets emotional because she can’t believe this “journey” (drink!) lead her to this place.

They all bid her farewell after Jay makes a joke about them putting the two women to a vote. It’s awkward. Jay is also wearing a neon pink t-shirt under his blue linen button-up.

Sean talks it out with the family. Obviously they are very diplomatic about loving both women and saying the nicest things about both Catherine and Lindsey.

Sean’s smoking’ hot brother-in-law struggles to form a sentence but he’s so hot. He manages to laugh out, “You’ve. Got. Forty-eight hours for a tough. Decision. My friend.” Good for you Andrew.

His mommy finally gets her chance to speak her piece about how nervous and worried she is about Sean proposing to one of these women simply out of pressure, and not out of absolute clarity about who he wants to marry. She is skeptical and firm like a mother. Eventually, she begins to cry. All of the sudden it’s a weird, raw moment. Whenever real emotions are captured on this show, I feel uncomfortable like I shouldn’t be watching it. Sean and his mom take a walk around the pond to get the camera out of her face. “I just want this to end as a good experience for you…you know it doesn’t have to be either one of them. If you can’t decide, maybe that’s your decision.” Wise words.

Baaahahaha for his final date with Lindsay, Sean dons the ugliest turquoise tank top that is way too low-cut for a man. I know it’s boiling degrees outside, but no climate necessitates a tank-top like that. Lindsey’s hair is holding up in that humidity super well though.

They take a raft down the Mekong River that borders both Myanmar and Thailand. “I am so excited to be on this raft with Sean,” Lindsay beams. What a thing to be excited about. All I can think the whole time is how uncomfortable the men paddling and steering the raft must feel watching these two cuddle bugs.

Later on, they talk about their lives a long ways down the road. In an inspired romantic moment Sean declares, “I picture you as a hot old chick.” My heart melts at this declaration.

“After tomorrow there’s only two options for me. I could leave with everything I’ve ever wanted and more, or I could leave with absolutely nothing,” Lindsey tells us before the final dinner portion of their date. That is true. Those are your options. I’m glad you’re realizing that this is a high stakes situation.

They kiss and smack a lot. They tell each other why they like/love each other. Then she busts out a few paper lanterns with wishes like “family” and “happiness” written on them. They light the lanterns and set them off into the sky to eventually start a jungle fire. Just kidding, your wishes will all come true, little angels!

From the pile of infinite v-neck t-shirts wardrobe has provided, Sean selects a purple tee to perfectly match the cute purple top Catherine wears to their final date. They are going to take an elephant ride. This is the coolest thing imaginable and about ten bazillion times cooler than a raft ride on the Mekong River. It is an ELEPHANT for Pete’s sake! Catherine understands how exciting this is. She is a giddy little girl to be going on an elephant ride and rightly so. It’s an ELEPHANT.

They both put on some friggin’ sweet elephant riding pants and climb on board. Catherine gets to direct Bo the elephant, and it is amazing. Sean can’t believe he’s doing another thing he’s only seen in the movies. The movie to which he is obviously referring is the timeless Danny Glover vehicle, “Operation Dumbo Drop”.

Catherine and Sean talk about how fun thinking about their future is but how scary it is too. She wants to imagine the future of engagement parties and joy filled days but doesn’t want to get her hopes up only to be let down. She has a vein of reality flowing through this experience and her emotions.

Because this is the last night they will spend together before the “historic” (LOL) finale, Catherine feels the pressure of the situation to really lay her heart out on the line. She wants to make sure she tells Sean absolutely everything she’s feeling towards him so that she won’t look back and regret for not being open enough.

So to that end, Catherine tells him many things about how much she loves him and how they want the same things like family and a future where things will only get better.

“I just feel, so, a lot,” she says.

“I picture our lives together a lot. I know who you are, and that’s why you’re here,” he responds.

Which are fully fledged sentences and thoughts that two sentient beings can have, right? Totally.

As the two say good-bye for what might be the final time, we silently watch them cling to each other. Catherine tells him she loves him. He puts his big old mitt right on her butt.

She knows he can’t say anything back but is tortured by the fact that she is so far out on a limb! After they walk away the first time, Catherine runs back to say good-bye one more time and sheds a few tears.

“I can’t get anything out of him! Just say something, please!” she begs to the gods. More tears fall as she curls up on her bed in a ball. “I can’t predict what’s gonna happen, and I don’t want to be by myself again.” Again, seeing her crying in the fetal position because she truly doesn’t know if the man she loves loves her back is a rare real moment in the show which makes me uncomfortable.

We pop back in with Chrarrison and the studio audience to check how we are all feeling. We are feeling like we want to just see the rest of the episode, Chris! But fine! Make us talk to these to random audience members who aren’t even funny or wise!

When asked who he will pick Lady in Mint Green says, “My gut says Lindsey, but it could be Catherine!” Which is true! He could pick either Lindsey OR Catherine. Very good point. Lady in Leopard Print says, “It could go either way!” Wow! What a worthwhile assessment from two random female humans!

The final shirtless-shots of Sean stream towards us as Sean gets ready for his final day as the Bachelor. He feels that he could have successful relationships with either woman, but says, “I just woke up this morning and knew there was a woman I couldn’t stand to live without.” So his mind is made up.

“Hey Neil Lane!” Sean casually exclaims when he opens his villa door to find the famed and leather-skinned jeweler at his threshold. He picks out my favorite ring of the ones Neil has brought to Thailand. It’s a treasure.

Lindsey is wearing what could be a beautiful silver halter dress. It’s very, very shiny but does not very much flatter her small chest. Catherine is wearing a column of gold fabric that’s draped across one shoulder. It flatters her figure a bit more, but I’m not wild about either dress.

Lindsey cries because she’s overwhelmed by how perfect this all is and can’t wait to start their lives together. Catherine cries because she knows she loves Sean so much but isn’t sure what the outcome will be. And that, right there, is why I like Catherine better than Lindsey.

Chrarrison makes us talk to Lesley, Sarah, AshLee, and Jackie (?????) before we get to the good stuff. They have nothing important whatsoever to share.

AWWW, YEAH! It’s time! The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Sean walks out to stand on the alter to love they have built upon a sweet a** rice paddy, just like every girl’s dream. Sean is dreading breaking a woman’s heart with no real reason to give. He is already very emotional.

Lindsey walks out of the SUV. “Today is the best day of my life. Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged,” she tells us. Oh no. Oh no, no, no. Look, I might not be her biggest fan, but I do not wish this heartbreak and humiliation on her! I’m also super surprised that I’ve been wrong two seasons in a row.

Sean starts off by telling her she looks beautiful. Then he launches into a speech about how he never saw their relationship coming and how every time he’s with her he’s amazed by her. Lindsey gets tears in her eyes because SHE THINKS SHE’S GETTING ENGAGED. She thinks this is it! It’s not! The “but” is coming! The “but” will come.

The “but” comes. “Lindsey this is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do,” he heavily breathes, “I want so bad to give you my heart, but my heart’s leading me somewhere else.” Watching her face fall as she realizes it isn’t her is really cool. NOT. She lets go of his hands right away.

Remember when they asked Michael Scott on the Office if he’d ever gone hunting? And he responds that he shot a deer in the leg then had to kill it with a shovel? This is exactly like that. Sean won’t shut up. He keeps trying to give her reasons and talk more and more instead of just letting her go.

“Was it me?” she squeaks out. No! It wasn’t you, you beautiful creature! He assures her it wasn’t.

“So, I’m gonna go. ‘Cuz this is my nightmare…I’m happy for you. I’m happy you found love, but I honestly can’t imagine my life without you. That’s something I’m going to have to figure out.”

Then she takes off her stilettos, and walks away. I have never respected her more. I literally give her a round of applause to the TV. But oh no no! Sean can’t effing let it go! He has to let her know one more time how hard this is for HIM. He is crying (which is fair) but it is NOT her job to make him feel better about shattering her world!

Sean sad. Lindsey sad. Everybody sad.

Chrarrison walks up to Sean to console him for a half-second before handing him the infamous letter! The dramatic music starts just as we cut to the studio audience! They are stunned and crazed to find out what in the name of helicopter rides is in that letter!

We come back from the break to find Sean pouring over this letter. I’m sure it’s very difficult for him to read printed text, so we get a voice-over of the contents of the letter.

Guess what guys. Guess what the letter is. It’s just a beautiful letter from Catherine to Sean telling him how she knows she loves him. She knows they can grow old together. It’s so lovely. It’s not overly romantic or wordy. Catherine just says “You have my heart, always” and isn’t that all any of us is looking for? Oh, no. The part of the show where I believe in true love is happening.

The walk from the car to the Rice Paddy of Love is agonizing because somehow wardrobe and production design didn’t discuss that there would be a rickety old plank bridge and a long gravel path in the middle of a jungle to cross in stilettos.

As Sean starts telling Catherine that he wants to spend the rest of his life telling her how beautiful and special she is, Catherine gets a touch of the crazy eyes. I think she’s trying not to cry but she is staring and blinking at him like a bushbaby.

When he goes to get down on one knee she practically seizes. When he asks the final question she replies in a whisper, “Yes! Huhhh!”. She is peeing her pants. I love this about that little weirdo.

They are ecstatic together. She feels so lucky. He feels so lucky. It’s the best day of both of their lives! They get to ride off into the sunset on ANOTHER ELEPHANT. IT’S ANOTHER ELEPHANT YOU GUYS. IT IS THE BEST DAY EVER.

“How cool is this? A proposal on a rice farm!” she coos as they ride off. Yeah, girl, pretty cool.

I will not be recapping the “After the Final Rose” special because it mostly is a recap itself, but I will share some highlights.

Number one is that they trot Lindsey out for a little heart to heart on live television where she keeps asking why and what she did wrong. It is painful and raw, and I hate every minute of it.

They trot Catherine out and they are adorable. She is shy because it’s live television, but it’s obvious they are still very much in love.

Finally, the big announcement that Chris Harrison kept referring to like it was the smoke rising from the Papal chimney, is that Sean and Catherine would like to get married on ABC to share with the whole Bachelor nation! And soon! How nice and frugal of them. And also that is not exactly life altering news, CHRARRISON. I care, but like, not that much.

In just two short months I’ll see you all right back here on Wednesday’s for recaps of the next season of the Bachelorette starring Desiree! I’m so excited and not surprised but still so excited to watch that girl find love! Keep straight on the journey till then, y’all. That’s all she wrote.

PS – THERE WAS NO FINALE MONTAGE SET TO THE SEMINAL HIT “GLORY OF LOVE” BY THE ONE AND ONLY PETER CETERA. I’M ENRAGED. HERE’S A LINK TO THE VIDEO SO YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE SONG AND JUST IMAGINE WHAT THE PRODUCERS FAILED TO DELIVER.

Henley Monday -

As much as Beyonce truly (really, truly) inspires me, I still need a little pick-me-up by way of a well dressed man. Enter Aaron Tveit in yet another beautiful plain black henley. I mean can his hair stop for like three seconds? Can it? I need it to take a break from being so perfect.

The Bachelorette Drinking Game

It is the day we have been waiting for for months. It's here; the second half of the Bachelorette two part finale!!! Desiree has a lot on her plate tonight after the shattering of her heart last week when Brooks pulled out early. We have sweet weirdo and terrible bard Chris and handsome yet somewhat bland but equally sweet Drew. Will she chose one or neither or both or just fling herself into the waters or Antigua???

As per the tradition started at the finale of Sean's season of the Bachelor, I present to you my carefully curated rules to Desiree's Bachelorette Drinking Game. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can’t wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you’re underage, eat an m&m):

The word “journey" is used

The word “connection" is used

Someone refers to “the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says “picture the rest of my life", “spend the rest of my life", “could envision the rest of my life" or any other “rest of my life" phrases

Desiree does a voice over while she walks around somewhere

Desiree does a voice over while she stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Desiree dabs her under-eyes with her fingertips as she cries

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as “paradise", “fairytale", or “something out of a dream"

One of the guys balls up his fists in frustration

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Desiree

-If Brooks shocks us all out of our skins and RETURNS

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!

The Official Bachelor Drinking Game

Hello my sweet journeyers! Together, through many trials and tribulations we have made it to this fine day: Bachelor Finale Day. I know you are just as excited as I am to see who our Bachelor Sean Lowe will choose and how it will all go down. Will it be Catherine, the raven haired beauty with a quirky intelligence Sean loves? Or Lindsay, the goofy girl who showed up to meet him wearing a wedding dress? Time will reveal all.

Many of you will be participating in viewing parties surrounded by your best friends, wine, and delicious snacks. A few seasons back, my friends and I put together a little viewing game, and I thought I would only be doing my due diligence in sharing it with you all. Please enjoy responsibly, and I can't wait to share thoughts on Wednesday!

When you see or hear one of the following, take a drink (or if you're underage, eat an m&m):

The word "journey" is used

The word "connection" is used

Someone refers to "the process"

A helicopter ride takes place

Chris Harrison spreads his hands/arms

A date/activity is used as a metaphor for love/relationships

Someone says "picture the rest of my life", "spend the rest of my life", "could envision the rest of my life" or any other "rest of my life" phrases

Sean does a voice over while he walks around somewhere

Sean does a voice over while he stands on a balcony or ledge and stares into the distance

Every time you see Neil Lane and physically cringe at the texture and color of his skin

Someone cries

You audibly groan

The blessed producers cut to a shot of random wildlife

Sean is shirtless

Anything, be it setting or general situation, is referred to as "paradise", "fairytale", or "something out of a dream"

Bonus Full Shot or Handful of Candy: - A cameo is made by a previous contestant on the show to give advice to Sean.

- You shed a singular tear or more during the finale montage set to Peter Cetera's "The Glory of Love"

Cheers and happy viewing!