I'm Sick Of People.

I'm walking around the house braless and my grandma was whining about it and I asked her - in a very jokey/teesy tone - why she had a problem with it when I didn't, and that it was my body anyway, she was like I don't like you staying here, what about that then - what will you say to that. And I'm so fucking angry and upset and so, so done. I hate adults. I hate adults. I hate adults. They're insensitive, cruel and self centered.

im consuming book after book so that this chasm inside my chest doesn't drown me. i feel like there's this emptiness inside that pulling me inside, forcing me to cave in, and it hurts so much

My mom made me get out of bed to unlock my bedroom door half an hour before my alarm went off (at 9:20, my alarm was supposed to ring at 10AM), when I slept at 5:15AM ; I missed all of my classes because I slept through them; I started writing(bullshitting) the assignment which I had to submit at 3 PM at 2:20 or so because I was having mental breakdowns thinking about it yesterday and I submitted it at 4 ; I got my period today and I'm having cramps AND I haven't eaten one single thing since now and it's 4:30PM and I genuinely feel like absolute shit and want to die.

edit : //and now my head hurts\\

Knew Tumblr would not post it again, so I took screenshots like a genius 👀

SPOILER FOR FLEABAG

Fleabag and Boo were not in love. They were not romantically attracted to each other. They had a strong, beautiful friendship which transcended amatonormativity. Their love was so deep and so meaningful that people who're limited by the belief that only romantic love can be so, cannot comprehend how friends can love each other so purely and deeply.

This is what our amatonormative culture is doing - it's robbing us of the ability to appreciate real friendship, one which isn't beneath romantic relationships, one which isn't placed on the bottom of a relationship hierarchy, one where best friends talk to each other, and treat each other as if they're lovers; because they are, they are lovers in the sense that they have unconditional love for each other, they are lovers in the sense that they started a café together and stayed together to run it, they are lovers in the sense that Boo was Fleabag's emotional anchor when her mother passed away, instead of her boyfriend. They are lovers in every sense, except for the romantic one.

Another thing I absolutely love about Fleabag - the show - is the fact that Fleabag's life didn't revolve around finding romance. She had fulfilling relationships with her best friend, her best friend's hamster, her sister, a practical stranger who saved her life and a priest who picked God.

She never made the priest feel bad for not picking her, never pressurised him to reciprocate her 'I love you', never slighted his relationship with God despite her being an atheist.

She was such a wholesome character and I fell in love with her in all the ways a person can fall in love with another person. I am so frigging heartbroken that I'll never get to experience the rest of her life, but I am also so frigging content with how the show ended. It was absolutely beautiful.

List of movies I want to watch but cannot find ANYWHERE

Billy Elliott

Vita and Virginia

Looking for Langston

Rafiki

I fucked up, I really really really fucked up. The first thing you need to know is that I overshare, a lot, I literally cannot function without oversharing. I need to give explanations and I need to clarify things which other people may have not over thought so that my brain shuts up and gives me peace of mind.

I've this teacher who is really awesome cool amazing etcetc and I send her interesting stuff - after asking her first. But Yada Yada, I tell my uncle how awesome she is and everything and he's like '

Btw, remember something.. she must be going out of her way to respond to your msgs n be nice to you.. but do remember she has a life too, tto.. don't over burden her so much so that she feels 'aaagh.. She has msged again n I need to respond since she'll expect one..'

And since I'm a person who overthink the shit out of stuff I had already had this insecurity and he just solidified it. So I went and talked to ma'am about it, made everything weird and since then I couldn't get it out of my head that I'd done something wrong and that I needed to apologise for it but not really clear on what it exactly is.

And then a few days ago she was late to class and I personally thought it was an as per usual thing and no one texted her to come either, and plus I have in a terrible mood that day so I was having a heavy conversation with my friend outside the class. So when she suddenly came I was shakey and I couldn't respond properly when she - kinda upset aayittu - asked us why we didn't let her know. So my friend and I were kinda stumped pole, and I guess she realised something or it was just because she was late that she walked in the class. It must've seemed as if I had ignored her after this very deep very weird WhatsApp convo, and also I didn't get to thank her after class because I was thanking my friend for being there for me. So yesterday, which was a few days, 2 or so, after this had happened I text her out of the blue apologising to her for this and now I want to fucking punch myself in the face because I honestly, genuinely hate myself so much because I literally fuck everything up. Like everything. Why can't I stop overthinking so much and overeharing so much, why am I such a fuck up. She must be so weirded out, she must think I'm a fake person, she must think that it was a mistake to allow me to text her in the first place, she must think that she just wished I left her alone and I don't fucking know if it's my bpd or if it's me as a fuck up of a person but goshhhhhh, why the fuck am I like thisss

And I cannot control it. I legit cannot, I swear, fuck, if I could, I would've. I hate myself so much

Yep

Just a thought.

*Warning* for sanism - super hurtful/offensive stuff about people with mental illnesses

um, I just had this huge argument with my uncle about mental illnesses and terms used to refer to people with mental illnesses (in our native language - an offensive word), which are offensive and have a negative connotation and he treated the entire thing like a joke, spoke over me, said people with mental illnesses don't know best for themselves because they're not in their senses/not normal and then when I said you should use compassionate tersm, he said that no matter what words we use to refer to "them" it doesn't change the fact that they're cr*zy (translation of a Malayalam term), and then he walked away in the middle laughing and saying that I can say whatever I want - and right now I'm shaking with anger, my enthure body is vibrating and my eyes are tearing up and fuck my fingers are shaking it takes so much effort to type and I don't know how to deal with thjs. When I asked him if he's the one learning for psychology or I am, he said he knows the same things I do because he talks to people who're crazy for his cases (he's a lawyer btw) and he kept repeating that split personality is the same as bipolar disorder and when I said people with bipolar disorder don't agree with it/it isn't the right term, he did and said the above things and duck. He's treating it like a fucking fun debate topic while I'm shaking and trying not to cry in my room

I couldn't even make my argument properly because I kept shaking and I was speechless and my heart was on overdrive

And then then my grandma to came to ask me if I wanted to come out and I told her how I didn't and how it wasn't a fun topic that he was treated it like one and that it's something that affects people and its serious, she kept backing away and saying ya ya I was just asking, it's okay, it's okay and then she left without even acknowledginh what I saying like fuck

I feel like I don't have much of a relationship with my mom anymore. She's alwaysss, alwayssss busy with her MA Psych classes - morning, afternoon and night, and when she does come out of the room, the only thing she talks about is this leg pain she has and how this massage thingy is so good, with my grandma. She doesn't listen to me when I talk, she doesn't want to hear anything I say, but somehow she thinks she can come and scold me and repeat the things my grandparents tell me to do when she gets the time 😒 when all she does the whole day is stuff related to her class.

And what made me the most upset today was the fact that she said my kitten would die if it ate kitten food rn because it's too small and won't be able to digest it when I was talking to my GRANDMA. She never listens when I freak out about my kitten, never proactively asks about it or gives it any attention - atleast as far as I know, she claims that she gives it attention in the morning and I don't see cause I'm sleeping, but whatever. I dunno, maybe it's super petty and childish, but I feel unwanted.