Okay, So I'm Fat Right? And All My Life I've Been Conditioned With The Prejudice That Fat People Can't

If you don't support me at my-

-being loudly queer

-feminist rants

-passionate lectures about my interests

-therapy talk and mental breakdowns

you don't deserve me at my-

-certificates

-positive recognition from authority figures

-published articles

-accomplishments/wins

I won't show you the good parts if you're not accepting or supportive of my "bad parts"; i don't want anyone's 'congrats' if it doesn't also come with 'i hear you'; i don't want to be seen when there's a light shining on me if you turn your cheek when there's a dark stormy cloud above my head; before asking me- 'why didn't you tell us, this is such a good thing', remember the time when you said- 'don't speak about yourself too much, it's not appropriate'; don't chastise my silence if you've ever ignored my voice. fin.

I'm sad.

Knew Tumblr would not post it again, so I took screenshots like a genius 👀

I feel like I'm unwanted, to my family, you know? Like, um, yesterday my grandpa and I were arguing a bit. I was eating Lay's and he wanted to check what company or something makes it, so while I was eating it he grabbed the packet and twisted it to see and I whined and I was like bad manners, I'm eating, how can you do that while I'm eating - in a whiney tone so that it wouldn't be rude cause they're elders and I can't show anger. And then he got pissed off and was you have so many bad manners, you trouble us and stuff, and then I was like there's a difference between bad manners and that, manners is like please and thank you and excuse me and all that - I was saying everything in a jokey tone, and the argument escalated and my grandpa was like what do you know, you know nothing, you are nothing and that just, fuck, that just hits differently y'know? Something like that.

And um, later on, before dinner, I was lurking around the kitchen cause my mom and grandma were there and I wanted to interact with people. And I was trying not to block the way, but I accidentally did and my grandma was like can you both (at me) give me some peace/quiet/space ( a Malayalam word, that's a rough translation ) - and she's like I'm going to die soon from all this hardwork and stuff, and looking after you (me) is enough for that to happen.

And my mom has MA psych classes and she's always in the room okay, the whole day, and sometimes it feels like that's all she cares about, she never wants to talk to me, never listens when I do talk, always looks at her phone, tries to get away as soon as she finishes eating - the only time she comes out - even if I'm sitting alone in the dining room, the last person to finish. So due to all that, sometimes I go into the room to annoy her in between classes because atleast I'll get some sort of attention, y'know? It's childish, I'm aware, but yeah. And my mom gets super pissed at me and stuff. And it usually is funny, but sometimes it just, it just feels like no one wants me around

In my family

This is my mom's family btw. My dad's family does want me around, but over there I'm nervous of criticism and judgement and stuff, because yeah. And I don't feel that comfortable talking to them because I don't know what to talk about cause it's unpredictable what they find unacceptable and wrong.

And my dad wants me to go to his place cause we've been at my mom's for quite a long time, but I don't want to because my kitten is here and it wouldn't be a good idea to bring the kitty there for many reasons and also because I like the vibe here - the place's vibe, if that makes sense. This house feels better, this area feels better, it feels good. So that's also conflicting.

I just feel like I'm just an annoyance or a burden to my family. And I don't know, I feel super upset

I want people to stop being mean to me, and rude to me. I want them to be nice, but I know I can't control what they say or do and I just feel so fucking horrible

Why are adults so mean to kids

Why do they use tones which seem like they just want to do whatever duty they have and then get rid of me

It's like, when they're angry or upset at me, they say horrible things. My grandpa uses bad language and my grandma would be like (they built a house in Palakkad - a village area, a few years ago because they were planning to move there. But my grandpa wanted to stay here because he wanted to be there for me and all, so they rented out the house) 'we should've gone to Palakkad, I told you (to my grandpa), but noo, you wanted stay here to fix your grandchild, it's all your fault' and stuff. So they just say whatever comes to their mouth without any consideration and that fucking sucks

I don't have any adult I can open up to. I used to open up to my uncle, but he kind of betrayed that, used it against me when he was worried/upset about me, in front of everyone. So I can't trust him anymore. And I told him I'd never be able to open up to him again when we talked about the issue and solved it. And I have no one else in my family, no other adult whom I can be emotionally vulnerable with.

I think that one of the worst things a family member could ask a child going to therapy is if they're "honest with their therapist" - not because they genuinely want them to be honest with their therapist, but because they don't want a stranger to judge what the child could possibly be telling them about their family or other issues. In other words : "are you truthful with your therapist?" = "are you sure you're not telling him (my therapist is a cis man, so) biased things which put you in a positive light and us in a negative light, thereby manipulating him to say things that are convenient for you, and choose your side whatever you tell him?"; which thereby results in my mind going -" ohmy gosh, what if you've tricked your therapist into thinking you're a/an good/okay person, when you're a burden and you're ungrateful and a bad child and you trouble your family, what if you tricked him into thinking that you deserve his kind words when you actually don't and what if you actually are painting everyone else in a bad light and yourself as a victim-", because my self esteem is even lower than my sense of humor. so yeah, fuck that shit.

I wanna bitch slap my roommate

I know some people think they have the freedom to start discussions about anything and everything and treat matters as a fun topic to debate over and then reach a "to each their own" or "let's let it go now" point, but when you do that about matters which affect people's rights, or which personally affect people (such as queer rights/queerphobia, mental illnesses, sexism etcetc) - you have to realise that what you're utilising isn't your freedom of speech or your right to say whatever you want without giving two shits about the consequences or how it impacts the people who face it/go through it personally, what you're utilizing is your fucking audacity and tone deaf bigotry to be offensive, hurtful, ignorant and discriminatory.

And if your "debate partner" is somebody who goes through the issue personally, faces the stigma and prejudice you seem to treat as a fun argument personally, and thus can't make proper refutes or comebacks or keep calm, it's not on them, it's not fucking on them - it's on you for being a piece of shit asshole who thinks they're free to say and do whatever you want. You may have freedom of speech, but freedom of speech doesn't include hate speech, discriminatory speech or stigmatising speech. Fuck you.

I feel like something's missing - inside. Like, I don't want to go back home, well, I'm not having any mental breakdowns of wanting to go back home, and I don't mind staying here, but there's this feeling of something missing, a lack of something, a hollow feeling, something inside. It's weird and it's not sitting right with me and I don't know what to say or do and I feel so urghhh, kind of restless inside but not like actively restless, and I don't even knowwww

There's so much that's changed, so many changes and it's making me feel so weird and I keep repeating weird because my emotions have been repressed, I can't feel anything and I'm kind of scared because I know that I ought to feel bad and have breakdowns but I'm not, I'm passively going through all this - things that I know should make me have an episode aren't affecting me at all in the sense that nothing's getting past the no feeling vaala wall and I don't even know what to do about it. I know it's not healthy and yeah maybe I'll regret this when I do finally have a breakdown but rn I'm blank and I can cognitively think what I ought to feel but I can't feel things properly and it's dangerous and fuck

I don't feel completely fine inside but I feel fine on a surface level and I know I'm not supposed and this is just me repressing my emotions unconsciously but I don't fucking know what to dooo

It's like my body is a laptop and I have a virus which isn't outwardly harming or affecting the system, but still there's something amiss inside, I just want to find my anti-virus ffs is that too much to ask for