Title: Coffee, Quidditch, Kisses

headcanon that since the slytherin common room is under the lake there’s a room where the walls and ceiling are glass and you can just see into the lake like an aquarium

YESTERDAY EVENING I WAS WONDERING WHY REMUS LOVED CHOCOLATE SO MUCH WHEN I REALISED

CHOCOLATE IS POISONOUS FOR DOGS

WHAT IF YOUNG REMUS STARTED LOVING CHOCOLATE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT KILLED THE WOLF PART OF HIM

I need a fic where Harry is overjoyed that his two best friends are finally together and happy, but also jealous and annoyed at suddenly being the third wheel. Like:

“Hermione, he doesn’t belong to you- No, I don’t care that he’s your boyfriend. I haven’t seen him all day and I saw him first, damnit!”

“Ron, please stop kissing her, she’s supposed to be helping me research, Are you going to write my essay for me? Didn’t think so… No, wait, Hermione, I didn’t me that you were going to write my essay for me, I just- You can’t leave me here to die!… Stop laughing, Ron.”

“Hermione, it is boys night! No girls allowed… geez, okay, stop yelling at me. You can have two minutes to say goodnight… It’s been longer than two minutes, Hermione!… Hey, leave space for Wizard Jesus! Get off him Hermione! You are corrupting my best friend!”

Basically, we need more Harry “the cockblock” Potter.

Pansy: Okay, I think I know how I can find out whether Hermione likes me or not. We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! You know? But if she says “Pansy, what the hell are you doing?”, I can say “It wasn’t me, it was New Years!”

Draco: Well, that’s a lot better than Harry trying to kiss me back in Hogwarts, and saying that he did it because he needed chapstick

Harry: ...

Harry: It was a dry day

(Part 1)

Part 2 of the Muggle Youtuber AU in which we get to see Remus’ side of the story

Does anyone remember fanfiction from like 2001 to 2004 tho?

-wacky, highly out of character ‘sleepovers’ with the villains of the series

-not bothering to research the culture the series originated from (we live in Japan but for some reason we’re celebrating a westernized version of Christmas?)

-sugar highs??? the entire cast has eaten sugar and now randomness ensues!!1!

-really surreal oneshots taking a completely illogical idea to the highest possible level played completely for laughs (re: maybe Harry was so good at flying because He Was A Broom All Along)

-user guides for characters (as if they’re adoptable robots)

-disclaimer at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story I DO NOT OWN THIS PLEASE DON’T SUE I’M DIRT POOR

-author’s notes at the beginning of the story, end of the story, used as page breaks in the middle of the story, LOL I WROTE THIS AT ONE IN THE MORNING PLEASE REVIEW

-nutshell/condensed retellings of the series, again usually humorous

-AUs where everything except the main character’s names are completely different that have no real connections to the series (High School AUs are EVERYWHERE)

-The writer’s favourite character isn’t dead and the rest of the cast questions it once and then never mentions it again

-the writer talking to the characters in script form before the story actually starts

Lily: this is what I want to be wearing when my husband dies under mysterious circumstances.

Sirius: yes. Exactly. Standing out on a balcony that overlooks the sea, smoking a long cigarette and the police come to question me and I say “what are you implying officer? I loved my husband!”

Lily: *nodding* yes, yes. I offer them fresh tea in the cups that just happen to be set up waiting for them.

Sirius: nah, fuck the tea. I’m drinking a Cosmo. And I have a pet pig and I casually mention that pigs can devour a human body in under an hour…

Lily: not sure about the pig, but I have a rose garden and I mention how good fertilizer helps them grow.

Sirius: ah yes, and we walk down a beautiful staircase, our perfectly manicured hands running down the ornate banister.

Lily: of course. No other way to do it.

James:….

Remus:….

Lily:…

Sirius:…

Remus: ….pig needs to be in a matching robe.

James: and a flower crown made of roses

Lily: they’re right.

Sirius: yes… Too bad they have to die.

((Based on a conversation with @iforgotthesardines about this robe:

JKR: Dumbledore is the only gay character in the Harry Potter series

Devon and Alfred: 

i am the most obnoxious person i know

draco’s first hour watching baking shows: wow, these people are quite good

draco on his 23rd hour in a row: idc how good her fondant is, if kathy doesnt add more buttercream to that mixture her consistency is going to be all off

harry, trying to work: malfoy you have never baked in your ENTIRE BLOODY LIFE