Tie It Tight So It Doesn’t Come Undone…

DEVILMAN: The Birth (1987) ⤷ dir. Umanosuke Iida

Vintage Comme des Garcons

Bib Dress and Draped Pleated Wrap Skirt

1989

soulja boy tell em. im too shy

It feels daunting and welcoming, and I want to be unapologetically daunting and welcoming.

I feel like I judge myself for the beautiful emotions that has allowed me to interpret this picture from that lens.

I used to interpret people saying "You're intimidating" as "I need to soften up." "I'm too shy." "I'm being rude," and that's only because the majority of the time, the follow-up sentences would be along those lines.

I am still here existing, interpreting you , thinking my own thoughts. Why are you entitled to my nervous system and emotional compass.

I feel as if I should be an actress, because all of these years I have been convincing myself that I actually feel the ways others have projected that they want me to feel.

That's how communes start bitch.

How can one have its individual mind if such large ideas are carried throughout a society and expected to be adopted?

How can I be my own person, if another individual's feelings and thoughts are more right than mine by default?

I know this thought process, when adopted to the highest degree, can cause "chaos", but one's arrangement of their own mind is not chaotic unless they say so. How do you know that your version of chaos isn't someone's peace?

I think that's the scary and both beautiful part of this world, its duality, its ideas that can drag you left to right? To the point where I believe Nirvana is where I took this perfect fence-sitting position. And then I realized with Nirvana comes pain and peace. Because without one there was never another.

The thing is I currently am the way I am, and I feel like being so will allow me to allow others to be the way they are.

I want to continue molding myself to be authentically me. So that means yes, today I am hot, or yes, today I am cold. So fucking what?

Now I interpret when people say that as "Your emotions aren't what I want them to be right now." Which I feel like is easier to not internalize.

I don't want to subject myself to only one emotion to make people comfortable anymore. I don't care if you met me as happy and extroverted, everything has its seasons bitch. Nothing stays the same, but everything is the same at the same time.

Who are you to judge?