Which Of The Named Maiar Are Most Huggable To The Least Huggable? Please, Include Sister Ilmare Too.

Which of the named maiar are most huggable to the least huggable? Please, include sister Ilmare too. She CAN potentially hug, it is just that her hugs will be diffrent!

A simple quandary on the surface, but more confounding upon inspection!

I note that the question is who is “most huggable”, and not “who gives the best hugs”, or “who would I most like to hug”. BUT you’ve also stated that Imarë’s capacity to initiate a hug makes her eligible for consideration, so I will expand the definition of “huggable” to include “able to hug” as well as “able to receive hugs”. This will affect ranking as well as hug quality.

1) Olorin. Here’s my reasoning: He is already in physical form, he is mostly amiable to other living creatures, he is a man of great empathy and insight and would probably know when and why you needed a hug the most, he wears big robes which seem cuddly, he probably smells nice, like sweet tobacco smoke and wool. It’d be like a really good grandpa hug. 10/10, accessible, unambiguously platonic, pleasantly survivable. It might not be the hug you want, but it’s the hug you need.

2) Uinen. Have you ever hugged someone in the ocean? While you’re both floating, and your body temperature has adjusted to the water so you’re almost not able to perceive that it’s water anymore, and you’re both just weightless and adrift with the hush of waves and gulls the only sound around you, and the sun is setting and sparking off the droplets on her skin, her arms and breasts soft as pillows, buoying you gently up upon the surface of the vast, rocking sea, her hair rolling like a kelp forest with the current, and you are safe, safe and loved and in the embrace of eternity itself and it is so beautiful you no longer remember your own name, or that your skin was ever dry or your body ever cumbersome and grounded, and all that matters is the pink sky and gentle smile and the crook of her neck and shoulder that your head cradles against so perfectly. This hug affects you on a spiritual level, but you do get salt water up your nose and your fingers are pruny. 9.999~/10. Leaving the hug forces you to return to a disappointing and squelchy reality with sand in your shoes.

3) Sauron. It doesn’t matter how tall you are or how much you weigh, you will be swept up in this hug; it doesn’t hurt you but it is a powerful hug, you are at no point able to forget that if he wanted he could squeeze you into a cup of grapejuice. He smells like warm leather and some kind of exotic beard oil that probably costs a lot of money and a little bit of sweat but not in a bad way. There’s serious muscles behind this hug but also just enough padding that its like “oh shit this dude lives deliciously”; there’s a lot of well-groomed body hair and perilous intentions. This hug is an acquired taste, but absolutely the finest vintage. Will almost certainly lead to bad decisions. The author’s bias has been noted. 9/10.

4) Huan. Gets top marks for being huggable, despite not being able to hug back in the traditional sense. Loses half a mark for knocking you over and licking your whole face even though you asked him not to several times, but it’s still cute. 8.5/10, a good boy, you’re a good boy yes you are.

5) Tillion aka “Tillybun”. Hard to catch! Gets squirmy if you try and pick him up and cuddle him, but is more amendable to hugs if you come down to his level. Even more amenable if there are treats. Cannot hug back, but is VERY soft, and has tickly whiskers, and that’s wonderful. 8/10 Difficult to obtain, but worth the effort.

6) Melian. This is a, hmmm, regal hug. It’s good! But a little reserved? It always feels a bit like a photo-op? But she’s wearing these really long silk sleeves and has little jingly ornaments that sound really pretty and she smells like cedar wood and amber and lotuses, so the whole procedure is an Experience. 7/10 Could use some more emotional availability, but the catering is exquisite.

7) Ossë. Aside from the potential drowning risk, it’s really awkward and forced, like you can tell he’s not really into it and doesn’t understand the appeal. Also, unlike Uinen he’s kind of taut and sharp and spiny and slippery? Smells STRONGLY of iodine. MIGHT be poisonous. COULD forget you can’t breathe underwater. Aside from those concerns though, he’s got big Shape of Water energy and it’s kinda hot if you’re into that. 6/10.

8) Eonwë. The likelihood of obtaining a hug from this uptight piece of work is slim to none, but if you ever do get one, it will be with your face smooshed into hard, unforgiving plate armor, jabbed by pointy metal flanges, for exactly 2.5 seconds before you are released with some kind of stern appraisal, like “good work citizen” or “so it pleases heaven”. You will not know what is happening and it will be cold and scary but afterwards you’ll feel strangely elated? You did it champ, you won approval from Constable Tightass. You hate it, but a part of you loves it, don’t you bootlicker? Yeah you love being praised by authority you thirsty regime doormat. 4/10

9) Curunir. This hug lasts too long. You notice that he is uncomfortably bony and smells like wetwipes. He keeps saying embarrassing platitudes the whole time that make it seem like he’s doing you a big favor for gracing you with attention, and it comes with a little pat on the head! This is the most patronizing thing you have ever endured. You need to take a long shower. He seems pleased with himself. 2/10

10) Arien, Gothmog, Durin’s Bane, Ilmarë: Too spicy to hug. And look, it’s not their fault their hugs aren’t survivable! Other folks who are Ainur might find their hugs very rewarding and pleasant! But for the rest of us, a hug from them means being incinerated, or freezing asphyxiation in space. Simply. too. spicy. 0/10

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Hyphens, en Dashes and em Dashes

Oh- and let’s not forget the minus sign, that thing on your keyboard that can be misused as any one of the above!

It took me a long time to understand the differences.

The minus sign (-)

The hyphen (-)

The en dash (–)

The em dash (—)

Visually, not much in it, is there?

But oh what a difference the length makes!

The minus sign is a mathematical symbol. That’s it. Don’t misuse it for anything else.

The hyphen is used to join two elements to form a compound word, like self-restraint. Numbers between twenty-one and ninety-nine should also be hyphenated when they’re spelled out. Sherlock Holmes-Watson or John Watson-Holmes (interesting to know which one wins in the battle). You should also use a hyphen in a compound modifier before a noun, as in The Crossed Keys Inn was a dog-friendly pub.

The shorter en dash is used when describing ranges and with the meaning “to” in phrases like “Dover–Calais crossing.” It applies to ranges of numbers, such as times, page numbers, or scores (I’ll schedule you from 4:30–5:00). That said, outside of formally printed documents, it is increasingly being replaced with a hyphen, so if you miss this one, Sherlock won’t hang you for it.

The longer em dash (—) is about as wide as the letter M (duh, now I get why it’s called this). It’s used to separate extra information or mark a break in a sentence. An em dash is most often used to indicate a pause in a sentence. It’s stronger than a comma, but weaker than a period or semicolon.

You can use a pair of em dashes to draw special attention to parenthetical information, as in

Sherlock—who was wearing the same purple shirt of sex—entered the room carrying his violin..

You can use a single em dash to add explanatory or amplifying information, especially when the information is surprising:

I opened the door and there she stood—Eurus, my long lost sister.

Em dashes can also signal a sudden interruption, particularly in dialogue:

“Wait! I forgot to tell you—” The door slammed shut between us and I missed whatever John was trying to say.

Interestingly, there is no firm rule about spaces around the em dash (either word—word or word — word). It’s a matter of style. Whichever style you choose, use it consistently throughout your document.

The em dash is a relatively artistic punctuation mark, compared to the more technical hyphen and en dash, both of which need to be used accurately in legal contracts, for example.

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