Pedro Scouts Let's Get It Up!

The One That Almost...

Triggers: meandering weirdness, SH, ideation, illness, spirituality, asexuality, profanity...good luck...

Y'all, this year was strange. I doubled down on therapy and fitness...and crying, if we're honest. I went back to an old job for less money. I started communicating more with my employer about chronic illness, and I disappeared from a vibrant social life almost entirely.

No Pedge, my darling, I am NOT okay, but in 2024 I developed a genuine appreciation for that. Having survived a hysterectomy, my body is embarking on the next strange reboot, and most of the holidays were derailed because of this.

I'm not sure I've ever cried so much or been so confused. Yesterday I didn't even leave the house, and today I'm visiting the parentals to celebrate New Year by 8pm flat. And then I'm leaving lol. I've been so encouraged by Pedge's unconventional holiday because I feel like he GETS it.

I'm displeased with the election results, my parents are struggling, and my health prognosis is nebulous. I was offered a Broadway Tour that I declined, did no substantial traveling, and cultivated an AMAZING friendship with a man who is on the other side of the country. Broke up with my "gay husband", experimented with an "ace" label, discovered I don't want to get married or have kids, and am deconstructing my spiritual beliefs one devastating reality at a time.

AND...I'm writing a TON. I'm showing up more authentically in ALL my relationships, including self. I am more convinced than ever of the experience of Love, and somehow I continue to make my world a better place. I'm turning out to be the love of my life!

It's confusing as hell, but I'm not dead yet, and by golly I'm happy about that! I get to exist! I still haven't met Papi Pascal, but I'm not actually sure I want to. Everybody I know who has worked with him says he's a dream, and I believe them. Just knowing that we exist in the same world makes me happy, and today, that's enough. Plus, I had one quick convo with Coco, and she's just as sweet as our guy. I continue to be entranced.

Adding the button to my year of "almosts" I've been waiting to celebrate having 100 followers...as I'm stuck at 99. I considered doing some sort of Tumblr campaign, but honestly, WHY? I write for me! Goals are good, but this almost seems more fitting. I have a bazillion WIP's and it's helping me get through my health challenges, and that's what I need right now. As much of our Pazookie Pedge as we can STAND, and then a bit more...

So here is to a year of "almosts"! None of it looked quite right, it didn't follow my agenda, and it involved a lot more snot than anyone has a right to. But I still get to exist, and there's nothing "almost" about that. Thanks Pedro Pascal for being alive! I'm gonna try to do the same...

The One With Racism

Triggers: This one goes strong, so if you're feeling sensitive, please avoid. Discussion of racism, misogyny, anti-semitism, queerphobia, spirituality, profanity, racist symbolism, SH, ideation, NC. Pedge the Therapist has RPF vibes, but he's just the avatar I use to discuss difficult topics.

Alright, Pedge is hiding in the corner trembling slightly, because I want to discuss our recent discourse around racism, but Pedge doesn’t want to. I’m reminding him that Pedro Pascal is delightfully vocal about his own beliefs, which we heartily subscribe to, but Pedge is still feeling a little shy, and that’s okay too. We finally went and read “the fic”.

To be more accurate, we skimmed the fic until we found the reference to the Confederate Flag. I appreciated the reader who gently questioned its inclusion, though I can no longer see the writer’s response. Being Jewish, I also resonated with the supposition that a swastika would be equally in bad taste, which I understand and agree with.

Having adored this writer for the last year+, I can’t claim to know them personally, but I feel I know something about literary style. This character is PURPOSEFULLY in bad taste and our main character gets off on using him sexually. The most I could definitively say is that I don’t find this type of situation appealing, but I can intellectually understand someone who might. Besides which, the main character is listed without ethnicity or physical description. So that means, I, as a Jewish woman, have the literary option to literally give a “fuck you” to this ridiculous fictional character. For me, this is equivalent to NC fics or SH which I find more personally appealing because I can explore these darker emotions in a fictional setting so I can bring them into the light, not hide them further in the shadows. I get to exercise literary control, and in regards to racism, that is something that many of us feel we lack. (*adendum; this was after I was alerted to its content, which was not specifically included in the triggers....)

I really think that’s what the author was trying to express. If you don’t think that, then please keep saying so, in as truthful a way as possible. Your experience is completely different than mine, and I want to hear about it. I didn’t read this fic when it came out because I don’t find this character appealing, and I didn’t find him appealing in the SNL sketch, but that's just me. As a queer Jewish woman, I experience anti-semitism, misogyny and self-hatred from within, and that’s what I have SOME control over and am currently working on.

Pedge and I also appreciated the discussion that ensued after, though I’m sad the writer left. They had already temporarily exited the fandom last year, so I think that’s an indication of many nuances happening behind the scenes that I can't comment on. The last thing I’ll say is the personal ways I’m interested in combating racism in my own life, since that’s the only thing I have dominion over.

-Go back and read my own fics and see if any can easily remove ethnic/gender descriptions and if I’m interested in doing that. I have already written some fics with that mindset.

-Continue to write for characters that are unique in the ways that I understand; Jewish, queer, “passing”, spiritual…and safely explore darker writing prompts regarding SH, NC and ideation.

-Continue to elucidate controversial or potentially hurtful topics in the listed triggers

-I personally don’t think it’s appropriate for me to write to the black experience, because it’s not mine. For me, that would be the height of arrogance to think I could articulate the intimate experience of my brothers and sisters. Other writers might be able to, but that feels inappropriate for me to even attempt it. I would rather read books by black authors, continue to chat with all of my friends about their personal experiences to inform my own, and support as many artists as I can in expressing the varied and beautiful creativity of the human condition.

-I will continue to support black, queer, Mexican, trans, gay, bi, handicap and other minority groups in whatever way I can creatively think of, as I continue to learn more.

Sigh. And if this writer should ever return to the fandom, I think we could continue to voice any concerns in the way our aforementioned reader did. Gently, and with love. Pedge is feeling very sleepy now, but he is reminding me that we don’t often see others the way they are; we see them the way WE are. And that should be as self-informing about our experience as anything else.

To read some more thoughts on the matter check out @whataperfectwasteoftime insights. I found it very comprehensive and thought provoking...

Silva's Songs

I love combining reality with fantasy, and while I'm sure this isn't a new Tumblr concept, I'm going to be cataloguing our Pedro Boys as per Pedge's suggestions! All playlists will attempt to utilize music or groups that Pedro Pascal has referenced at some point. Get your headphones and enjoy!

Triggers: music may involve profanity and adult topics, short description of character's interactions with music, smut

Pedge's Jukebox Pedge the DJ

Silva's Songs (Spotify)

*Silva can often be found traveling quietly on horseback, singing under his breath and enjoying the beauty of nature *Silva who loves to lay by the light of the fire at night and reminisce on beautiful melodies and poetry *Silva will always pause to listen to Ranchera Singers, ostensibly under the guise of harnessing his horse, or inquiring about local town business *Silva can be found humming and singing more profusely after a few glasses of wine, but is never obnoxious or demonstrative *Silva carries a small pocket journal to notate lines of poetry or song that float through his mind. He didn’t have much time for school in his youth, but has picked up enough reading and writing to get by *Radio didn’t exist until the end of the 18th century, but Silva often enjoys listening to the sound of nighttime crickets, howling coyotes and the soft breathing of his stead, in the evening musicality *Silva isn’t bothered by the sound of a bar room piano, but prefers the lilting sound of a guitar as it is more gentle, quiet and sensual *Silva often fantasizes about tenderly holding his love and humming quietly into their neck until they fall asleep *As a child, Silva was drawn to corridos and would act out some of the well known folk tales with local friends

*thanks @animatedglittergraphics-n-more for the cool dividers!

Pedge's Bookshop The Dinner

Grab a Latte! this seems very appropros for the Coffee Lovers! Check out Extra Cream and Sugar by @itwasntimethatdidit40 before heading into the Bookshop!

Triggers: profanity, Last of Us canon + references, reference to alcohol, MAJOR spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", ex-type return, reference to prostitution, physical altercation, and finally KISSING!!!!!

Series Masterlist

Words: 3.5k

Joel’s gaze was burning with the heat of a super nova as you made the short trek to the medical infirmary for a quick check before welcoming the new visitors to The Jackson Commune. If you had allowed him to speak, you might have had an inkling of his own emotional state, but you were purposefully driven to banish the feelings and the tears that were cascading unbidden through your personhood. 

What the hell was Levi doing here? 

During the tumult of the infected, you were lucky enough to be in the Wyoming Territory, having miraculously found your way to the burgeoning commune, and counting your lucky stars that you had survived. You just didn’t count on Levi being able to say the some thing. No way in hell was Levi going to let go of a good thing once he had it. You had been lucky to escape his clutches the first time. But how could you reveal his questionable background without risking the same of your own?

You found yourselves constantly surrounded by one medical practitioner or another, before being joined by Ellie, who was overjoyed at Joel’s return. Shrinking under the heated glance of Joel’s passionate intensity you had mumbled something about relief at his appearance before practically running out of the infirmary and returning to your own home. You immediately locked the door and shuttered the windows before escaping to your bedroom and hiding under the covers.

This was your worst nightmare come to life. A past you had tried so desperately to escape, and nearly had, before it practically came knocking at the very doorstep of your own community.  Joel had his suspicions, but had he told Ellie? Could he possible know the details of your own “fall from grace”. And why had he brought Tommy and Maria into the conversation? There seemed to be no escape, short of heading out the commune doors and going it alone. You finally let the tears fall, unhindered, lulled into a fitful sleep, wondering how you were going to survive this new, hellish ordeal.

The new visitors of the commune were the focal point of town gossip for the next week. If you didn’t have educational responsibilities you would have isolated yourself completely, hopeful that the incident would just pass over. But your students were alight with the discussion and questions, eavesdropping from every whispered conversation, and anxious for news from the outer territories. The residents of the Jackson Commune were so far removed from any other civilizations, you couldn’t remember the last time a party of this size had “graced” your doorstep. Apparently the patrol had found themselves entirely cornered, and it was thanks to this traveling posse they had escaped intact. But it was a glooming peace that hovered over the townsfolk as they tentatively invited the strangers into their all but isolated commune. There was much to be grateful for, but much to protect and Joel couldn’t have been unaware.

That is to say, you assumed Joel was aware, but couldn’t be sure. Between purposefully avoiding the possibility of seeing Levi, inundated with school responsibilities and dodging another conversation with Maria or Tommy, you had turned into a hermit, surviving on work and anxiety. Ellie had not been present in class, which was not an immediate cause for concern, and in fact aided your temporary escapism from her keen and insightful stare. Ellie would know something was wrong. Perhaps you could avoid the entire Miller Household until this newest threat evaporated or exploded.

But it wasn’t Ellie’s interrogative voice that greeted you at the end of this particular work day. If anything, that warm, sultry voice seemed nearly telepathic as your eyes raised to see the broad frame of Joel Miller pause at your doorway, poised to knock. “Howdy, teach” he lightly intoned, gazing behind him at the squabbling children and rubbing the back of his neck humbly. How was it possible to feel so many contradictory emotions at the same time? Your face flushed with embarrassment, immediately chagrined by your comparative silence, as he haltingly entered the room. “Got a sec?”.

“I’m afraid I don’t have any new homework for you today” you tried to deflect the intensity of his stare, but were arriving unsuccessfully. Something about the Miller Family in all its incarnations, seemed to strip you bare of facade, leaving you vulnerable to their charms.

“S’okay, I’ve got some catching up to do” he smirked, considering the small school desks available before him, and finally deciding on a towering stance in front of your own. “Missed you at The Bookshop though” his voice was surprisingly quiet, but well enunciated. Almost as though it were a secret being dragged from his lips, only for your hearing. You felt your heart stutter within you nervously, noticing his healing abrasion at the edge of his forehead. 

“You look good” you stammered. “I mean, your cuts, they look good. Healing okay?” you bumbled, grasping at any assembly of fortitude and finding none. Joel Miller always left you completely tongue tied.

“Just glad to make it back…”  (to you) he nodded, looking around the school room awkwardly. “Nice place ya got here”.

“Oh this old thing!” you feigned humility, finally venturing a small smile. “It’s no Bookshop, that’s for sure. I’ve been meaning to drop by and see…uh, see that copy of "Wuthering Heights” you promised me!” you rallied, straightening your burgundy sweater that Joel had been so fond of. Joel licked his lips placatingly.

“Got me doin’ your dirty work now” he teased, picking at the desk edge the same way that Ellie did. They really were two peas in a pod. Joel was an amazing father figure. Your heart gripped violently in your chest, wondering at his loss of Sarah, and a previous life you knew nothing about. Could one really escape their past? Or were we forever doomed to be haunted by our deepest cuts and wounds?

“Listen, about the other night” he began, his eyes darkening guiltily.

“Don’t worry about it!” you stopped him, standing abruptly and gathering your things. You weren’t sure what he wanted to say, all you knew was that you couldn’t handle another disappointment. Having Levi in town was bad enough, to say nothing of living up the the commune’s new leadership expectations. If Joel were about to question your motives now, you weren’t sure you could take it. Reaching a long arm in front of your waist, Joel easily halted your escape with the intimidating width of his shoulders, punctuated by a particularly gentle touch that took your breath away.

“Sorry you had to see me like that” he whispered, looking down into your face with real regret and supplication. “Some things I can’t say…in the harsh light of day” he sighed, swallowing dryly as his eyes drifted down to your lips seductively. “Still like that sweater though” he added, smiling dolefully, the air around you becoming hazy and warm, with a hypnotic glow.

You tilted your head down shyly, biting your lower lip, “Just glad you’re okay, Joel. Don’t know what I’d do without you”. You heard a quiet intake of air as he registered your statement internally. The two of you stood in charged energy for what felt like an eternity before Joel continued, 

“So, I’m ‘sposed to invite you for dinner tonight!” he brightened, dipping his head a bit lower to catch your eyesight and slightly terrified expression. 

“Dinner?” you gulped. Heaven forbid you had another confrontation like the one before. Maybe it would just be a quiet night of discussion?

“This time you’ve got the whole Miller Family. Maria wanted to discuss some of the new commune responsibilities. You don’t mind do ya?” Joel questioned emphatically, allowing his hands to drift to his hips decidedly and listening for your decision. Good Lord. The situation was getting worse, but was steadily inescapable. It seemed as though your hands were tied.

“I’d love to” you croaked, shifting awkwardly with discomfort. No way out now. At least this would keep you distracted until Levi and his posse left. “No bramble berry wine this time” you apologized, meeting Joel’s eyes with a twinkle. He nodded in affirmation with a bright smile before heading towards the door.

“Oh” he paused at the doorway, his face immediately darkened with something almost protective or primal. “Levi too…” he spat, visibly struggling with his own distaste. “He’s the leader of our visiting strangers, and they want to petition commune residency”. Your stomach dropped about a foot with the unhappy revelation. Not only was Levi going to be present at the dinner, but there was a chance he was returning to your happy commune existence in a permanent way. You couldn’t find the words as Joel’s jaw ticked angrily. “Something about that guy” Joel trailed off, watching you closely as you grasped helplessly for words. “He a friend of yours?” 

“No!” you finally managed to exclaim before gathering your books and papers haphazardly and stuffing them into your bag. “No friend of mine” you muttered, grabbing your winter jacket and breezing past Joel quickly before he could ask anything else. “See you tonight!” you called behind you, already terrified at the unsavory proposition.

“Miller House! Seven sharp, teach!” Joel’s concerned voice rang after you, as you wrapped yourself tightly against the bracing wind. It seemed that things could not get worse.

Things had gotten steadily worse as you approached the Miller Household. Not only were your hands tremulously shaking beside you, your heart was palpitating a mile a minute, faced with the dual conundrum of attempting to unmask Levi’s intentions without betraying yourself and your questionable past in the process. Poised at the front door, you might have stood there for an eternity, if Ellie hadn’t opened the door briskly, looking as though she were going to hug you.

“Thank God!” she exclaimed, pulling you by the scarf abruptly into an uncharacteristic hug and slamming the door shut dramatically behind you. Whispering quietly into your ear she muttered, “Levi the dick is here…”. Attempting to hide a timid smile, you removed your winter coat and shakily entered the dining area. At least you had one person on your side. Rounding the corner you were greeted by a sight more intimidating than any classroom or clicker ambush; Tommy, Maria, Joel and Levi were all seated formally at the dining room table, awaiting your entrance. Joel stood immediately, his eyes softening from the hardened glare he had been directing towards Levi before your appearance.

“Hey teach” Joel’s voice rumbled lowly in the room as Maria waved with encouragement, “Won’t you join us?”. Levi had a crocodile-like smile, dripping with metaphoric honey as much as poison. Wonder where he kept his fangs?

“What a surprisin’ reunion! Ain’t that right, Teach?” Levi sweetly drawled, poised to pull out your chair before Joel did so himself, barring Levi’s attempt with his own broad shoulders. 

“We were just talking about you” Joel smiled tiredly, offering an encouraging squeeze of your shoulder under Levi’s watchful gaze.

“Tommy tells me you're the school marm, and I’m not a bit surprised!” Levi began, reaching for food without anyone’s permission. Spewing biscuit crumbs immediately across the table he continued, “Teach and I go waaaaay back, ain’t that right? She’s real good at meetin’ people’s needs AND followin’ orders. Once you grant our continued stay here at the commune, we’ll be able to REALLY catch up…” he nearly threatened, with enough bravado to overshadow the entire evening, as Joel stared fixedly in his direction.

“Well, now that everyone has assembled let’s start the discussion and the dinner! Ellie, you and Joel have done a wonderful job hosting us this evening” Maria took control of the conversation before Levi completely dominated it.

“S’no trouble” Joel muttered, shifting his gaze from Levi to you, his countenance immediately crumbling as he noticed your terrified expression. 

“Levi, we couldn’t be more thankful for your assistance during the Elk Creek ambush. Sounds like you arrived just in time…” Maria thoughtfully offered, beginning to pass the bowl of green beans around the table.

“My posse and I couldn’t be more pleased, ma’am” Levi drolled, reaching abruptly across Ellie to grab the bowl of green beans, entirely unaware of her scowling grimace. “‘Spect you could use some more strong men to help lead this growing commune…”. You could have sworn you heard Joel mutter some quiet profanities under his breath, but kept your head lowered shamefully.

Maria paused, momentarily annoyed, but continued onward. “Funny you should mention new leadership. We’ve just offered our resident teacher a new administrative position she has happily accepted”. 

Ellie beamed appreciatively, making a small congratulatory fist, “Alright, teach! Way to go!” You lifted your head slightly to catch a small nod from Joel offering a similar encouragement. The dinner table became decidedly more quiet as Levi’s countenance darkened bitterly.

“S’that so?” he toyed, setting the bowl down delicately and turning his attention towards you. “Never woulda figured teach as a leader type…” he feigned thoughtfulness, reaching a hand under the table and grabbing your upper thigh possessively. Joel caught sight of your shift in posture, as he began tightening his fists at his sides. Something was wrong. Why were you letting Levi push you around like this?

“Do you wanna tell ‘em sweet pea, or should I?” Levi threatened coyly, gripping your thigh painfully as tears began to threaten at the edges of your vision.

“Tell what?” Tommy hesitated, looking to Maria for support. You gritted your teeth stubbornly, wringing your hands quietly in your lap. 

“Hey, doucheface, why don’t you take your hand off her leg before I stab you with my butter knife” Ellie’s pointed accusation held more ferocity than you would have guessed, as you flashed on her former confession. In that moment, you had no doubt whatsoever that she could make good on her threat, but you felt a sense of nausea, placing her in such a tenuous position.

“Maybe it’s time for you to leave” Joel’s voice was barely audible, as Levi carefully removed his hand, placing it upright in a mock surrendered position.

“No harm, right teach?” he looked to you with superficial humility. “I just wanna tell ‘em what a great worker you were…you know…in the time before? You were always REAL good at meeting’ people’s needs. Satiatin’ their desires and such…” he proceeded slowly, increasingly aware of his volatile position.

“Don’t…” Joel threatened, gripping the dining room table as though he would about to shatter it into a million pieces.

“Joel…” Tommy cautioned, rising out of his chair slightly, attempting to grab hold of the situation.

“This isn’t a job interview, Levi. What if you told us more about you and your group…” Maria shifted with discomfort, hugging her belly protectively, as Ellie stiffened in defense of your vulnerable position.

“Yeah, Joel, no harm in listenin’” Tommy attempted to placate, moving slowly as though towards a cornered animal, and trying to gently situate himself between his brother and his nearby wife.

Joel’s eyes seemed to impale you with the emotional force of a dagger, as he looked to you for confirmation. A single tear fell lightly to the plate before you. There were no words. Joel knew everything already. But now he was about to get confirmation of your greatest fear, your biggest shame. The memories that kept you up at night, and the desperation that shrouded almost every joy.

“Just think you would want to know your resident teach was the absolute best girl I had the privilege of employin’…in the time before. What’dya say teach? Give ‘em a quickie, for old time’s sake? Looks like Joel is sweet on you already…”.

Levi barely had time to finish his sentence before Joel shoved him backwards to the floor, pinning him and the dining room chair violently to the ground. Levi kicked powerfully, against the table, sending it into disarray, but Joel had a knee positioned strongly against his chest and a forearm squeezed tautly against his windpipe. Tommy quickly moved Maria out of the way defensively before trying to peel Joel off of his target.

“Say more…” Joel growled, in a nearly feral tone you had never heard but often suspected. He knew. This is what he had known, but never said out loud. But there was no reason or rationale in his mind at present. His vision was a wash of red, turbulent red, as he watched Levi’s eyes bulge in desperation. Ellie sprang to her feet, grabbing the nearest carving knife and setting herself between you and the flailing form of Levi, whose face was starting to purple intensely.

The room was heated with a buzzing electricity as you raised your eyes with rapt attention to the man splayed before you. “Joel…” you whispered, his head immediately snapping back to see your tender and nearly angelic expression. “Let him go…”. It was as though a switch snapped in Joel’s mind, as he immediately loosed his grip, Levi sputtering and coughing pathetically on the floor. Tommy hoisted Joel to his feet, before he had a chance to change his mind.

“Looks like you better get goin’ soon, Levi” Maria threatened, still holding her stomach, eyes blazing with fierceness, as Ellie twirled the carving knife slowly in her hand.

Levi stumbled precariously to his feet, as Tommy grabbed Joel instinctively around the shoulders, attempting to hold him in place. “Get out” Joel spat, his knuckles a whitened fervor as he clenched his jaw with the last bit of restraint he had. Levi rubbed at his neck incredulously, looking around the room in defeat before shuffling to the front door dejectedly. 

“Guess we’re not wanted” he rasped, before flinging the door open to the winter’s bite. “I’ll be seein’ you, teach!” he cast an enigmatic accusation your way before trudging through the snow angrily, his silhouette beginning to disappear in the snowy tundra. The dinner party stared after him in awkward silence as small flurries of snow coldly circled into the living room.

“Asshole” Ellie muttered, breaking the tension slightly and tossing the knife onto the table brusquely.

“Language” you jokingly whispered, but your voice cracked in emotional defeat. Who were you to chastise anyone? Who were you to instruct the next inspiring generation of young leaders, when you had made such questionable choices in your youth? How had you been so foolhardy as to think you could escape the desperation of your past, in a newfound desperation of the future?

“Didn’t like that guy from the get go” Tommy offered, leading Maria back to the table gently and setting a hand firmly on her shoulder.

“Truth will always out” Maria nodded, placing her hand shakily on the dining room table and breathing deeply. “Give a man enough rope and he’ll hang himself…” she darkly added, glancing up to see your crumbling countenance. “Teach, this doesn’t change a thing…” she began, but you were already headed out the open doorway.

“Thank you for dinner…” you sobbed, grabbing your coat and running out the door as fast as your boots would carry you. Fairly certain that Levi had headed the opposite direction, your only goal was to make it home, before the rest of your dignity collapsed around you.

Joel stood completely transfixed like a statue, nearly paralyzed with the indecision of his own forceful emotion until Ellie’s voice rang out, “Go Joel! Go get her!”.

Don’t have to tell him twice. Joel bulldozed through the center of the living room, not even stopping for his own coat and racing after you doggedly. The snow immediately nipped at his aching knees, but he wasn’t letting you go. Not again. Not when he had so much to say, and no earthly idea how to say it. He didn’t consider himself an eloquent man. But when there were no words, his actions had always spoken volumes.

Finally reaching your faltering form, he grabbed you emphatically by the elbow and whirled you around to meet his gaze. Your eyes were already red from crying, body shuddering in despair as you struggled half-heartedly in his grasp.

“Don’t listen to him!” Joel shouted over the din of the surrounding winds. “We need you at the commune…I need you!” he felt the words tumble precariously from his lips, but he didn’t care. Seeing the anguish painting your face had unlocked a passion within him that he hadn’t let himself truly feel in years. He couldn’t let you go. Your knees buckled slightly with the intensity of his unexpected words, as the hot blaze of tears continued to cascade, unbidden down your snow kissed cheeks.

“Joel…I…” you stuttered nervously, bracing yourself against his broad chest and sinking your weight against him. The seduction of the moment was moving you like two, fated magnets, against the storm, until his lips were mere inches from yours. He hesitated for only a second before smashing his mouth against yours, his jaw violently moving in supplication, like a prayer. Caressing over, and over, and over, as your soul leapt to meet his. You weren’t sure how the commune would eventually react, if news of your scandalous background ever reached the probing ears of town gossip. But in that moment of passion and acceptance, you knew you had truly found a new beginning. A new reason for living. A new home.

You had found Joel.

Pedge's Bookshop The Talk

Bookshop: As per your recommendation, Joel is our shop owner. I think there's something appealing in a man who says little, but obviously feels so much. I just finished reading Pedge's rec for "Crime and Punishment" and it's a doozy. Joel has a lot...or very little say about it.

Triggers: spoilers for "Crime and Punishment", "Last of Us" canon, profanity, gun, sexually threatening situation, cat allergies...

Series Masterlist

Word Count: 2k

“Now, just because Teach is comin’ to the house more often, don’t mean that she’s like…your mom or somethin’…”.

Ellie winced awkwardly hearing the stilted words fall out of Joel’s mouth in his decidedly Southern drawl. This was easily the most uncomfortable conversation she had ever had. What topic was he going to broach next, the birds and the bees? Watching the reddish tint creep up Joel’s neck, now reaching to the tips of his ears, Ellie saw a rare opportunity to rib him a little.

“Just one question…” Ellie somberly muttered, casting her eyes deceptively downward to the bookshop floor hearing Joel’s gruff affirmation in response. “If your condom breaks, does that mean I get a little brother?” Ellie’s mouth turned upward in mischief, watching the crimson hue completely drain from Joel’s chagrined face as he froze in temporary emotional paralysis.

“Maybe we can call him Rascalnikov for short?” Ellie teased as Rascal the Cat quipped its head to the side in curiosity. Joel’s face registered a millisecond of recognition before he exhaled the breath he had unknowingly been holding, chuckling softly under his breath.

“Fuckin’ teenagers” he muttered, his shoulders quaking slightly with laughter. “Look, unless you want an earful, just get home a little later tonight, okay? Me and the Teach are gonna have some adult time…”

“…Discussing literature?” Ellie interrupted, kicking at Joel’s booted foot playfully.

“…Discussing LITERATURE, among other things” Joel continued wryly. “But this is all real new, and we don’t want to rush into anything that…”

“…Makes us extremely uncomfortable” Ellie continued to jest, rolling her eyes clairvoyantly. If Joel was determined to drag this conversation out, then she was going to have her fun with it. Ellie was actually excited to form more of a connection with you. In your conversations you had already formed a connection, and your response to her had been so welcoming and inclusive. Besides the sharing of clandestinely housed secrets, in you, Ellie had found a mentor, a friend and a teacher. Someone who understood the darker parts of humanity, maybe even of themselves, but didn’t shy away from it. And Ellie desperately needed more people like that. But she wasn’t done humiliating Joel while his soft underbelly was exposed.

“You know there are lots of ways you can be intimate with someone, without risking a pregnancy…” Ellie continued watching Joel’s jaw lock with embarrassment. “I’ve been reading some VERY educational material here at the Bookshop that Maria and Tommy should DEFINITELY have read…”.

“Jesus Christ” Joel wiped his hand over his face with annoyance. “Are ya done yet?”

“Oh I’m just gettin’ started” Ellie razzed before acquiescing to his point.

“Just…nothin’s changin’. It’s still you and me” Joel’s eyebrows pinched in the center of his forehead with real concern as Ellie considered his words carefully.

“All jokes aside…it’s okay” Ellie hesitatingly pondered. “I like Teach a lot, and so do you. But things are gonna change. Things always do. We’ve just gotta make it our business to change with ‘em.” Ellie nodded her head curtly as though agreeing with herself. She had already lost enough in this world to know how temporary things could be, and knew that life was meant to be lived. Hesitate for even a millisecond and your entire existence was a flash in the pan. Ellie wasn’t going to go out quite so easily.

“How’d you get so smart?” Joel mumbled, kicking back at Ellie’s foot good naturedly. 

“Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain?”

Joel stalled in confusion, squinting his eyes skeptically.

“His goal was transcend-dental-MEDICATION” Ellie paused triumphantly as Joel brought his hands to his hips with defiance.

“I’m leavin’”. Joel grabbed his winter coat heading for the door huffily.

“Atheism is a non-PROPHET organization” Ellie called after Joel as he stalked past her gruffly shooing Rascal the Cat out of his way deftly.

“Be home by 10, BUT NOT BEFORE!” Joel reiterated, flinging the bookshop door open, a hefty bounce in his step she hadn’t previously noticed.

“Hope you get an ‘A+’!” Ellie managed to get in before the bookshop bell sounded cheerily and Joel was out the door and headed home. She smiled to herself victoriously, looking around the Bookshop happily.

Good for you old man, she chuckled, heading into the back room to grab another stack of books. The store was nearly assembled, and despite Joel’s grumblings she knew that he was anxious to open it, not just for the rest of the commune but for the admiration and encouragement of his favorite customer; Teach. All that remained was a special exhibit featuring the Book of the Month, “Crime and Punishment”. Options were still limited, but the display would include a dirtied copy of “Anna Karenina”, “The Master and Margarita” (which was unfortunately in Russian), and a collection of short stories featuring Chekhov. It was somewhat miraculous they had the options they did, so Ellie was smiling as the bookshop bell rang upon her re-entrance to the main lobby. “Forget your condoms?!” she chided, now hearing the tell-tale hissing of Rascal as her stride was abruptly halted in revulsion.

Levi.

What the hell was he doing here? She looked around the Bookshop noting her avenues of escape, and was continually grateful for the wide open window transparently showcasing their interaction. However, the backroom now forebodingly loomed behind her. She resumed her confident path to the front counter, pocketing a nearly dried out ball point pen. “What do you want, Levi?” she spat, mirroring Rascal’s aggressive reception.

“Ain’t got to want something to visit the commune bookshop” Levi retorted, dragging his dirty fingers along the display shelves and kicking at the cat with annoyance.

“Well, we’re actually closed, so why don’t you come back when you learn how to read” Ellie responded sweetly, gripping the pen abrasively in her small hand. This felt terrifyingly familiar, and she wasn’t going to lose the upper hand. No one was coming to save her, and she was all too ready to take care of herself.

“Well ain’t you got a mouth on ya?” Levi judiciously appraised, picking up the showcased copy of “Crime and Punishment” and tossing it unceremoniously back on the table. “You remind me of the Teach, when we first met”. Ellie bristled noticeably whilst battling her own curiosity. Levi was no friend of hers, but knowing more about the Teach and her background was an interest she couldn’t deny.

“I’m surprised she didn’t run circles around you” Ellie bantered, watching Rascal bob and weave like a feline prize fighter, ineffectively batting a small paw at Levi’s boot.

“Can’t say she didn’t” Levi offered, his hands outstretched plaintively. “But surely you know, sometimes circumstances force our hand. Most people would be willing to do whatever it takes to survive”.

“Endure and survive” she almost whispered.

“I like that!” Levi feigned enthusiasm, now drifting behind one of the tall bookshelves, his voice eerily echoing in the Bookshop. “Endure and survive!” he re-emerged, peaking out from behind a different bookshelf, now several paces closer to the front counter.

“What do you want, Levi” Ellie growled, shifting a few feet closer to the doorway and trying to situate herself nearer the exit. 

“I’ve got my eye on you…and Teach” Levi threatened, contrasted by his all but beaming countenance, as he edged closer. Rascal latched his serrated claws onto Levi’s tall boots, but found him undeterred.

“What is that supposed to frighten me or something?” Ellie countered, gripping the pen harder in her now sweating hand. She could go for the eye, or the jugular if she had the right angle. Maybe Rascal could prove a worthy distraction.

Levi reached to the side, donning a small revolver that he brandished in front of him like a toy. Ellie’s eyes widened to the shape of saucers. Leave it to her to bring a ball point pen to a gun fight. What could he possibly gain by shooting her in broad daylight? He couldn’t be serious. Levi was many things, but crazy wasn’t one of them. Before Ellie had a chance to register what was happening, Levi slid the gun across the counter proffering both hands before him in surrender.

“Thought I’d lay all my cards on the table, before you had a chance to doubt my intentions” Levi drawled, leaning on the opposite end of the counter and ignoring Rascal’s hissing and caterwauling. “How old are you anyways?”.

“Too young for you” Ellie bluntly stated before greedily grabbing the gun and pointing it in Levi’s direction. His eyes shifted darkly eyeing the barrel of the loaded gun and licking his lips slowly. “‘Sides I don’t date psychopaths” Ellie joked, waving the gun towards the door. “Get out of her Levi, before we both do something we’re gonna regret”.

The look in Levi’s eyes flashed a momentary dejection, as the cat finally abandoned its attack and slunk off to the back room in defeat. “Ya gonna shoot me, before you even know what I have to say?”

Ellie slowly cocked the gun, relishing the clicking metal beneath her fingers. “Fuck around and find out, Levi” she breathed deeply, focusing on what Joel had taught her about marksmanship.  

“Yeaaaaah” Levi’s honeyed voice almost smothered her with its poisonous sweetness. “You’d do it, wouldn’t ya? But I know somethin’ you don’t. You think you’re so special, like you’re the only one with passion or desperation?” Levi inched closer as Ellie backed up. “Nothin’ special about the will to live.  Saw it in Teach. Saw it in Joel. See it in you…” Ellie held her breath, considering her options. She’d killed before, and she could do it again.

“Go ahead. I like my girls fightin’” Levi stretched his arm towards Ellie as her foot unexpectedly caught on the lip of the rug. Without even thinking, the pull of the gun slammed back violently against her hand as a bullet grazed past Levi’s shoulder and lodged itself in the nearby bookshelf. Ellie’s eyebrows shot up to her forehead, a mixture of bravado and shock as she flung the gun back on the counter towards Levi’s surprised expression.

“I’ll be damned” Levi sighed, slowly taking the gun and returning it to the holster disappointedly. He sounded almost disheartened as he regarded Ellie with a newfound clarity. “Guess I have my answer” he sulked, giving one final look to the Bookshop before heading towards the door. “Maybe you’re not like Teach at all…” he appraised, casting one final look back before jerking the door open swiftly and ducking out. Ellie gripped her chest anxiously, as Rascal the Cat poked its head out from the backroom, meowing with uncertainty. 

“It’s okay, he’s gone” she muttered, rounding the corner and laying a finger to the bullet lodged in Joel’s fine workmanship. A small party of men went running down the main thoroughfare, ostensibly in search of the ruckus as Ellie winced with embarrassment. Maybe she would just keep this little altercation to herself. But one thing was quite clear; Levi was a threat to more than just her, but also to the lives of the entire commune and the people she cared most about. As far as Ellie was concerned, Levi couldn’t leave soon enough. She plopped herself down on the floor unceremoniously as Rascal sidled up next to her with encouragement, purring softly.

In this moment she was assured of her resolve, and had never felt so certain of anything. She would protect, and she would kill. She would do whatever it takes to keep her future lodged safely in the palm of her hand.

And she would do it, by any means necessary.

Moody Gladiator

Alright, we collectively lost our minds and for good reason. Our boy was angelically beautiful, coupled with Paul Mescal who is similarly "easy on the eyes". I'm not sure we can handle all of the press coming up, but we're gonna try...

Moody Pedge

Mood Boards are something new I'm trying for those literary moments I want to do a shout out or a quick vibe of Pedro Fun! Pedge is obviously a self-made man but I haven't had the heart to tell him that Bitmoji is also involved. He might be moody, but chocolate chip cookies always seem to regulate him...

Rainy Day Moody Dieter Moody Pena Moody Joel Moody Javi Moody Frankie Moody Marcus Moody Max Moody Dave Moody Silva Moody Acacius Moody Moreno Moody Mom Moody Oberyn Moody Maxwell Moody Dio Moody Lucien Moody Bi Moody Whiskey Moody SNL Moody Met Moody Rockford Moody Thespian Moody SAG Awards Moody Fall Moody Witch Moody Ricky Moody Gladiator Moody Nathan Moody Zodiac (Dieter style) Moody Pirate Pedge (Halloween short) Moody Thanksgiving Moody Fink Moody Theater Moody Superbowl

Writers, please feel free to use any of these mood boards for inspiration! Just give me a tag so I can read your AMAZING fics! Let's get writing!

Moody Pena

I've been having so much fun with mood boards, I hope writers can utilize them for inspiration! Appropriately titled, one of my favorite authors is @jolapeno and I've saved a billion of their fics for late night sexy literature. I hope you will check some of them out and stay tuned for our next installment of New York, New York. Pedge finds himself auditioning for "Narcos" in the Big Apple and needs YOUR help...

Make Me Like the Holidays Soft Joel The Day Frankie Came Home Can You Ever Really Know? I Like the Way You... It's the Sniffles Late Night Texts Do Me Yourself Unwrap Me Now Don't Move Honey Just Thinking... Fifteen Hundred and One There's Nothing Blue About You

Hey beauties! Welcome to Pedge's World, our little corner of the digital universe where healing, freedom and chocolate chip cookies reign supreme! Pedge helps me sort through all of my sad, sexy, angry, euphoric, hungry, cranky, spiritual, creative moods! I hope you will join us! 18+, no minors!

Sexy Series Masterlist (RPF)

Let's Stick Together!

Art Projects Dieter's Art Studio; My Darling Muse

Afterglow Series Dead Dove December; The Deepest Cut

Pedge's Campsite

Fun With Mood Boards!

Pedro Boys

Pedro Posts, Polls and Prompts

Pedge's Juke Box

Pedge Tweets!

Pedge's Bookshop

Pedge's Cinema