I Am Not Me. I Am An Amalgamation Of My Interests, Mental Illness, And My Kins All In One.

That feeling when you wanna romanticize your life and maybe even get better but you remember it’s November 2024 and you live in one of if not the worst state to be a queer afab person:

self destructing all by yourself beautiful ?

Gotta love it when you try to cheer yourself up only to feel worse by proxy of being an insecure bitch.

I’m watching food shows to get rid of my boredom but I just feel guilty because I feel like I ate too much..(I literally just had dinner)

I’m counting my calories atm and it feels like one too much for just being afternoon. Last time I checked I did lose some weight but it just wasn’t enough for me. I need to lose like 200+ pounds more.

I want so desperately to be able to fit into size L clothes like I used to but I have the self control of a literal toddler. I’m hella scared for when my DearMyLove buys get here because what if I wasted my moment just for it to be ill-fitting?

They say to be proud of who you are but I hate being plus size so damn much.😒

Fr the West(especially America) is just a bunch of shitty traffic jams and dick measuring contests with guns.

We could use the same passion and energy and optimism that idols are known for here.

Anywho I too wanna wish good luck to any up and coming overseas idols! I’ll support y’all anyday!

I really love idols!!!

I wish the West had a type of idol culture. I want to cheer on girls to achieve their dreams!

Jirai idols, I will support you with all my heart!!!!

I really hate how I just can’t have a consistent goal or dream in my life.

As a kid I dreamed of being a veterinarian because I loved animals but eventually gave up on that because I lost that spark to actually care for them.

I mean it’s normal for that to happen but the thing is that I can barely take care of myself so I don’t trust myself enough to care for another living thing.

I had dreams in middle school to be a webcomic artist but I also lost the spark for it since I struggled to even pick up a pencil sometimes and often had art block.

Now currently I dream of being some form of popular/famous and find that Vtubers tend to be a hot topic on the internet so I’m like “Why not?”

But then I realized I’m nowhere near fucking stable to be a good streamer and would probably make my audience hella uncomfortable and not wanna watch my stuff. Plus I know I would get tired of fame very fast.

All in all I just want to be loved.

I want to be known and seen for what I am, but I know that’ll never be possible because I’m genuinely such a mess that I scare people and make them lose hope in me, and that’s not even exaggerating. My parents have said to me on quite a few occasions that they don’t know what to do with me anymore.

Idk maybe for all I know it could just be a case of me being young and aimless, but I won’t deny it’s the most frustrating shit ever.

Inspired by a post by @crushingcasanova where they had shown their results, I looked at a few Yandere personality charts out of boredom and because I (personally) love the yandere archetype. These were my results:

•Big Five Yandere: CCDAF

•Yandere Types: LSVT

•Yandere MBTI: RDHL

•Soft Yanderes: CDWI

Also just in case anyone wants to do it themselves….

♡Sources♡

Big Five Yandere Personality Types:

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mouisorange

☰ Yandere Personality Types  〔Big Five〕 ☰ Overview 〔Disclaimer〕 Yandere behavior and mindsets are not healthy, nor should they be sought a

Yandere Types:

Yandere MBTI:

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Yandere “MBTI”

Disclaimer: The yandere trope is not a portrayal of healthy or ideal relationships, but instead a horror-based genre meant to stick strictly

Soft Yanderes MBTI:

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An MBTI System For Soft Yanderes

Having discovered the amazing Yandere MBTI by @ddarker-dreams I was inspired to create a similar system for the categorisation of soft yande

Shit I forgot also kin this bitch.

♡Kinlist♡

Feel free to judge me based on who I kin/kith/kinsider. XD

These aren’t in any particular order except for the very top one.

Also disclaimer I am very aware that some of these characters are very morally ambiguous. Just because I kin/kith/kinsider a character doesn’t mean that I exhibit their morals.

Anywho, here they are!

♡Kin: Ame-Chan(Needy Streamer Overload)

♡Kin: Aubrey(Omori)

♡Kin: Stocking Anarchy(Panty & Stocking)

♡Kin: Kotoko Utsugi(Danganronpa)

♡Kin: Konata Izumi(Lucky Star)

♡Kith: Shadow the Hedgehog(Sonic the Hedgehog)

♡Kith: Riamu Yumemi(iDOLM@STER)

♡Kin: Lain Iwakura(Serial Experiments Lain)

♡Kinsidering: Fluttershy(My Little Pony)

♡Kinsidering: Satou Matsuzaka(Happy Sugar Life)

I’m looking through some mizuiro/tenshi kaiwai fashion on some sites and I’m just like:

I’ve started getting into the style because my angelkin ass will attach to anything angel themed + I love cyber-esq aesthetics.

Also the tendency for the fashion to be somewhat androgynous is definitely a plus.

If it wasn’t expensive I’d have like 20 pieces by now. :(

🛑Stop, wait and listen. Don't be silent and participate in the crime. 🛑🛑

I stand on the rubble of our home, but my heart is filled with hope. I need your help to leave Gaza and complete my education to build my future. Every donation, no matter how small, will help me achieve my dream. Join us on a journey of rebuilding💔💔💔

Thank you for your support. Every bit of your kindness means so much to me 💔

https://gofund.me/0a0ac124

Helping spread the word as much as I can. I’d hate for these to go ignored.

Random ass rant about something that just happened to me.

Warning for Possible(?) Transphobia/Enbyphobia

So I was feeling more masc today so I decided to work with some makeup of mine and accentuate some of my features to make it sharper(?) and one of the things I did was give myself the illusion that I had a much bushier mustache(I did have some facial hair but it wasn’t super noticeable imo).

Why is this important? Well, my mom was doing my hair and at some point she went to the bathroom, grabbed a buzz razor(I think it’s what it’s called) and FUCKING SHAVED IT OFF WITHOUT ASKING ME. I was pissed off and she was like, “Well I could see it.” And I legit had to bite my tongue from talking back to her less we get into some stupid argument.

Now I just feel really bad because I realized that no matter what I do, nobody around me is going to see me as anything other than a girl. Like whatever I don’t care that much about being called by my given name but other than that, I feel fucking humiliated.

I wish there was someone, SOMEONE, who wouldn’t care as much about my gender and how I express it as these fuckers around me, especially my entire family.