The Most Unrealistic Thing About Harry Potter

Street rat… turned thief

“A lugubrious being was Montparnasse. Montparnasse was a child; less than twenty years of age, with a handsome face, lips like cherries, charming black hair, the brilliant light of springtime in his eyes; he had all vices and aspired to all crimes.

The digestion of evil aroused in him an appetite for worse. It was the street boy turned pickpocket, and a pickpocket turned garroter. He was genteel, effeminate, graceful, robust, sluggish, ferocious. The rim of his hat was curled up on the left side, in order to make room for a tuft of hair, after the style of 1829. He lived by robbery with violence. His coat was of the best cut, but threadbare. 

Montparnasse was a fashion-plate in misery and given to the commission of murders. The cause of all this youth’s crimes was the desire to be well-dressed. The first grisette who had said to him: “You are handsome!” had cast the stain of darkness into his heart, and had made a Cain of this Abel. Finding that he was handsome, he desired to be elegant: now, the height of elegance is idleness; idleness in a poor man means crime. Few prowlers were so dreaded as Montparnasse. At eighteen, he had already numerous corpses in his past. More than one passer-by lay with outstretched arms in the presence of this wretch, with his face in a pool of blood. Curled, pomaded, with laced waist, the hips of a woman, the bust of a Prussian officer, the murmur of admiration from the boulevard wenches surrounding him, his cravat knowingly tied, a bludgeon in his pocket, a flower in his buttonhole; such was this dandy of the sepulcher.”

Zero to Hero

((I am lauhging so hard

crack!AUing the hell out of this))

The day Joly fell in a vat of radioactive gunk, nobody was surprised that he scrambled out screaming about germs and cancer and everybody get away I am going to infect all of you my God this is Chernobyl all over again no I'm serious get away from me

But they were surprised that he turned into a superhero.

"The Jolly Green Giant!" they called him, and he had to bellow "IT's JOLY, IT'S FRENCH, PRONOUNCE IT RIGHT, AND YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT MY NORMAL NAME NEXT TO MY SUPERHERO NAME ANYWAY" because that above all else irritated him.

Éponine was his Mary Jane, his Lois Lane, but far better able to take care of herself. She kept a pocket knife on her at all times, and could hit back. Joly was rather proud of her. He hardly ever had to rescue her; she could rescue herself. Sometimes he did, though, just because he could.

... telling the laws of physics to shut up and sit down.

Vaarsuvius, genderqueer elf mage of the Order of the Stick. hella.

New chapter up!

Climbing to the Light (WIP)

Just before Voldemort’s first rise to power, 11-year-old Fantine receives an acceptance letter from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic -- a letter that will pull her into a new world full of just as much danger and prejudice as the one she left behind.

Setting: 1970s magical France Characters: Fantine, Javert, Jean Valjean, Bahorel’s Older Sister, Georges Pontmercy, Sister Simplice, Bishop Myriel, &tc Pairings: Valjean/Javert, Fantine/Javert, Fantine/Javert/Valjean (eventual), Georges Pontmercy/Mlle Gillenormand (secondary)

Chapter 12/?: Musings on Olympe Maxime, and a new direction for Jean Valjean.

Comments, questions, and concrit welcome!

okay list of angry dancing Silm characters to draw:

Feanor & Fingolfin

Varda & Melkor ??

definitely Melkor & Manwe

Luthien & femmeSauron yaas

cURUFIN & FINROD

Sauron & Ar-Pharazon

okay but Turin & Gwindor though

Langon & Eonwe !!!

on that note Sauron & Curumo hah

Melkor & Langon, maybe not angry maybe just scary intense

Feanor & Melkor leave me to d i e

New chapter up for Climbing to the Light!

Me: *Goes through ao3 tag*

Me: *Reaches the end*

Me: *Goes through ao3 tag with lower standards*

Finduilas is in the habit of keeping things in her pockets for her children. There is almost always a biscuit with jam at the center for Faramir, and a new stone she’s found for Boromir, and silly drawings with riddles she’s made for both of them, just like the ones her grandfather made for her and her siblings when they were young.

The riddles are a delight to the pair of them, and it is one time when there is sure to be no quarrel between them, since they love to solve them together, and Finduilas has crafted them to ensure there are parts to suit both of them well.

The most sacred rule of the riddle games is that no one is supposed to help – a rule she has especially impressed upon her notoriously clever spouse.

But one day, the riddle is particularly challenging to the young pair, and Denethor finds their pleading eyes just ever so persuasive, and before he truly realizes what he’s done, he’s told them which of the Citadel’s many wall carvings will hold the answer they seek.

And so Faramir and Boromir eagerly bring the next riddle to him straightaway, and Denethor is torn. He tries to shoo them off, but catches a glimpse of the paper they hold and curiosity gets the better of him.

When Finduilas runs into the three of them attempting to scale the garden wall at the back of the Steward’s House – and quite by her design is the encounter – there are several moments where all three feign innocence before realizing they’ve been caught.

Because of course she’d known that he helped them before, and had designed her next riddle carefully to see if she could entice him into doing so again.

For the answer to this riddle was indeed over the garden wall, but it was not the expected solution (which involved one of her favorite blooms, called seregon in Sindarin, and a rather clever play on words requiring a nuanced understanding of Steward Beregond’s politics that should have instantly made him realize she knew he’d be helping).

Rather, it was quite a splendid little ‘just because’ picnic waiting for the four of them, with all the jam biscuits Faramir could dream of, and at least four and twenty other lovely things one only discovers on warm afternoons in the presence of those one loves best in all the world.

READ ON AO3 • 3,025 / 7,671 WORDS

"Okay, let's go steal the Magisterium."

~

leverage s3 & his dark materials s1 ; alec hardison/parker/eliot spencer ; multichapter ; rated T.

part two: in which a conversation may be had about autonomy.

remind me again why i decided to get invested in game of thrones when there are fcking ice zombies and zombies are one of my least favorite horror tropes