Orikan: *Rewinds Time*

We all know that the Golden Throne is failing; and that a time will come when it will no longer be able to support the Emperor.

Of course, we interpreted this to mean that its arcane life-support mechanisms were gradually grinding to a halt; but I’m now much more enamored with the idea that the Emperor is slowly but surely falling out of his chair!

(Imagine, if you will, the Mechanicus periodically measuring the Emperor’s forward tilt, like some corpse-based variety of the Tower Of Pisa; and mounting increasingly desperate expeditions for STC schematics of the fabled ‘Three Point Safety Harness’…)

I wonder if/when Games Workshop will finally give an end to WH40K, will they let the Imperium or humanity as a whole just die to finally end their suffering & misery? That seems like a fitting end with all the grimdarkness.

Transition-focused

Sometimes I worry that I come across as overly focused on the subject of my transition.

“So what have you been up to?” “Oh, you know. [Transition stuff].”

In project management parlance, transitioning is a multi-year project with multiple tasks, all of which have their own sub-tasks, and so on. Resources must be acquired; unforeseeable issues spontaneously arise and must be resolved.

I would not necessarily call this timeconsuming or overwhelming (although transitioning can be these things at times); but it’s pervasive. It touches every part of my life and requires constant care and attention.

A simple example: I wanted to change my legal name. In America, this generally means going to the county probate court and getting an order to that effect.

Every county has its own process and paperwork (although the vast majority at least try to adhere to some kind of nationally-distributed model process). All together, there were five forms.

I also needed to provide notarized copies of various personal records, so I had to get those.

Once everything was submitted, I had to wait for an invoice from the local legal news publisher; and then pay them to release a statement recording the name change.

I had to talk to the court and the publisher multiple times for input on what to do; to check up on the status of my case (”Oh, sorry - the person that mails out the confirmation was on vacation for two weeks”); and so on.

Eventually the court order was created, and I could pick up my copy of this incredibly important legal document.

Having done all this...

...I now get to reach out to the dozens and dozens of organizations that keep track of my legal identity and inform them that it has, in fact, changed.

...And some of them have their own requirements for updating their records; which necessitates addressing certain organizations in a certain order (BMV; Social Security; employer)...

All of this, all of this merely to change my name. One of a multitude of tasks.

Overall, this has been one of the most rewarding processes of my life; I would repeat it in a heartbeat. If however I do come across as eternally preoccupied with my transition, it’s because - at least for now - it constantly effects me, every day and in all ways (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, legally) and I have no choice but to dedicate the necessary brainpower to managing these things.

If you see this you’re legally obligated to reblog and tag with the book you’re currently reading

Photoshoot

As part of the process of becoming a US citizen, I was required (yet again) to travel to Detroit and visit a USCIS field office for a 'biometrics' appointment. As the name implies, they measure your statistics, take photographs, and fingerprint you.

(While I can understand the desire to prevent known malcontents from falsely acquiring official documentation, the process is overly invasive and to top it off, costs the applicant $80. That's a discussion for another day, however.)

What they did not tell me at the time is that the photograph would later appear on my official Certificate Of Naturalization - if they had, I might have worn something other than an oversized hoodie. Alas.

Now I have to have my Certificate reissued as my legal name and gender having changed and fortuitously, the USCIS allows for this (although there's another $555 fee, because of course there is).

Thankfully, they will let me supply my own photograph this time. So I put on my best dress, did my hair and makeup, and met up with my photographer nephew at the local park for a photoshoot. I'm excited to see the results!

As a fun bonus for the day: on the way home, I stopped for bubble tea at a new Vietnamese restaurant. I recommended the place to my coworker yesterday; and was entertained to see him walk in five minutes after I did to collect an order. I was more delighted to see that he didn't actually recognize me at first - presumably because he's never seen me in a dress before!

Paste

Yesterday my daughter and I were talking about tomato salsa. That discussion veered in a very strange direction, and is repeated here verbatim for posterity:

Me: “Did you know salsa is technically a fruit salad?”

The Daughter: “No it isn’t! Salads have leaves... and stuff... in them.”

Me: “Then how do you explain tuna salad?”

The Daughter: “I don’t even know what that is, but it sounds gross!”

Me: “It’s just tuna mixed with mayonnaise. You know, like in sandwiches.”

The Daughter: “Mayonnaise”, (pause to summon up indignance),"...is a paste!”

Me: “I think the maybe word you’re looking for is ‘emulsification’?”

The Daughter: “I don’t know what that means. All I know is: mayonnaise is made of two solids; and one of them is grease. And grease... is a paste.”

I never thought I would see, firsthand and in my own household, Millennials killing the mayonnaise industry!

Unexpected HRT side-effect #4: addendum

I’ve previously touched on how HRT has affected my ability to tolerate extremes of temperature. Today was an interesting illustration to that effect.

First, my wife - who is much wiser in these matters than I - took stock of the current temperature before going outside. (I generally choose my outerwear first and foremost based on what will compliment my current outfit, and then complain loudly while shivering in the car.)

She told me that it was currently 28ºF. In a former life I would have considered this ‘mild’; and maybe - maybe - thrown on a light jacket. Apparently I am learning however, because today I said to myself: “Twenty-eight degrees?! Time to break out the winter coat.”

Dress-up

An interesting aspect of the trans experience is looking back on one’s former life, and inspecting certain signs, behaviors, interests and activities through the lens of hindsight.

In this particular instance: for many years I have enjoyed video games in which one can control the appearance of the various player characters. I have spent considerable time armoring my rogues, outfitting my Sims, and coordinating the ring attire of virtual pro-wrestlers.

It occurred to me recently that I was in some respects engaging in a kind of ersatz dress-up. Much like actual dress-up, I also now find the skills that I developed being applied in my day-to-day fashion choices: pairing tops and bottoms, socks and shoes, and so on.

I can’t even begin to untangle what aspects of a person's behavior are based on their biology and others, their social identity; but it’s fascinating, digging up these examples where - even while boxed in by the gender expectations of that time and place - I was seeking, and finding, ways to escape that jail.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #14

I have a lot of insecurity about is my hairline. I am, in retrospect, very lucky; I had very thick hair growing up, and even though it thinned over the years, I avoided the male-pattern baldness that struck my siblings. That’s no meager blessing for a trans woman that began her journey late in life.

However; at the time I began my transition, it had thinned extensively; especially at the peak. This really didn’t do any favors for my self-consciousness at the time.

Now, strictly speaking, some level of hair restoration is not uncommon with HRT; however, it’s far from guaranteed, and there’s no set timeline in which it might happen. After a year, I felt like very little had changed (which I attributed to the original loss being caused by damage, and not years of testosterone poisoning).

Imagine my surprise then at seeing an older picture of myself, and realizing that the problem then was a lot more severe than it is now. It’s a very difficult thing to gauge, but it feels like maybe a few long-dormant follicles have sprung back to life!

More generally, it seems that many of the hair-related side effects of HRT just take a long, long time to kick in. I had some hairs on my shoulders and upper arms; and as they were still present six months into my HRT regimen, I planned on having them removed. I recently discovered that they seem to have mainly disappeared of their own accord; so evidently I just need to be patient about these things!

It's just business

I don't think anyone here needs convincing that there's a bit of a sociopathic streak running through the C-level suites of American business.

I was reminded of this however when I witnessed an executive use the idiom "It's not personal; it's just business" unironically while discussing potential layoffs.

This phrase was purportedly coined by mob accountant Otto Berman, and famously popularized by fictional mobster Michael Corleone (signaling his murderous adoption of the criminal life).

Suffice to say: anyone that uses this phrase as originally intended lacks empathy; that it has gained such traction in America's corporate sector (and as justification for profit over all other concerns) speaks strongly to the moral terpitude of the latter.

Dose two

Well; three weeks later, and we got our second COVID vaccine doses.

Although I wish this was not the case, I went from zero to full-on flashback in bout twenty minutes; and expect to remain in some variation of that mindset for the next few days.

I would like to stress for the new reader: this is not a side effect of the vaccine, and I strongly recommend that (where medically possible) everyone get it. This is purely my past history interacting with current events.

On the bright side, in a little over two weeks I will start treatment with a new EMDR therapist. I am very much hoping that goes a long way towards bringing these sorts of undesirable episodes under control.