Unexpected HRT Side-effect #5

Identity crisis: addendum

As a follow-up to my earlier post:

I have a friend that lives in Texas. He is eighteen; and was in the process of learning to drive when the pandemic struck. He recently visited the state DMV to renew his learner’s permit; and much to his surprise, was given a full driver’s license instead.

I get it; they are trying to keep the system working under a difficult set of circumstances. All the same, my friend is attempting to continue on with his driving education, for what he holds in legal capability, he lacks in actual practical experience and confidence.

This is what it feels like to become an entirely different gender at 37. I’m legally a woman, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

Unexpected HRT side-effect #6

I’m not really up to speed on Tumblr etiquette yet, but I believe the polite thing to do when dealing with heavy material is to provide a content preface. To that end: this is a kinda heavy. There’s abuse and stuff.

Sooo... PTSD. This is an actual, unexpected side effect of HRT. Let me explain.

I’ve previously touched on the idea that I have a female-structured brain; that certain parts of it require estrogen to function correctly; and that during the pre-HRT portion of my life, these parts operated poorly (or not at all).

A large - and rather nuanced - group of these malfunctions come under the umbrella heading of ‘emotional processing’ (or lack thereof); including the inability to:

Fully feel my emotions,

Understand them,

Connect them to my thoughts,

Communicate them to others;

...And perhaps most importantly, make sense of (and move past) the various negative events that life likes to throw at us.

Once HRT kicked in and supplied the estrogen my brain so desperately craved, all of this changed! I cannot stress what an incredible experience it was to go from zero to full emotional processing capacity virtually overnight.

The next thing I discovered, however - much to my chagrin - was that far from passing through the troughs of life with a stiff upper lip, rather I had simply deferred my response to those events. Now the bill was due.

I relived a lot of grief and anger: at the loss of loved ones; at lines crossed; at years in the wrong body.

One day, I had a disagreement; the matter was settled amicably, but afterwards I felt ill at ease. Without even understanding why, I gathered up my three animal friends and retreated into our walk-in closet; turned out the lights, and just... sobbed. Great, unrelenting torrent of tears. I didn’t understand what was happening; only that I was terrified, and hurting.

After what felt like hours, my wife coaxed me back into the light and to normalcy.

As night approached the following evening, it happened again. And again. And again. Every night, for months on end.

During these episodes, I would experience repetitive, intrusive thoughts for which I had no context. “Please don’t hurt me!”; “Please stop hurting me!”; “Let me go!”; “Why did he hurt me?”

In retrospect, what I have been able to piece together is as follows:

These events were flashbacks. They relate to a trauma that I have no memory of; perhaps because it happened very early on in my life. Based on the intrusive thoughts - and other indicators, such as an intense phobia of forcible restraint and what I believe may have been unconscious efforts on my part to relive the original acts - I believe the trauma was sexual in nature.

HRT kick-started my brain; and the first item on the agenda was - completely unbeknownst to me - processing this forgotten trauma.

For the curious - I’m much better now; my wife and I are no strangers to PTSD symptoms and well-versed when it comes to handling them. Still; I cannot say that when I undertook that first estradiol shot, that I ever imagined it would unearth this particular landmine in my psyche.

1. Double digits and upwards? That makes you a prolific fic author, my friend! (And I’m all for having multiple pokers in the fire at once; variety being the spice of life, and that.)

2. As someone that types so much faster on keyboard than a touchscreen: I salute you!

(Good call on the use of various online resources as research tools, too! I believe it was Charles Stross that once commented that one of his most-used avenues of research - in a very literal sense - was Google Street View.)

3. I have a friend that is an incredible musician; and she operates under the ethos that:

a. We live in an era of unparalleled, Internet/enabled access to content; where small artists are inevitably drowned out by the sheer volume of output on offer. However:

b. This is why it is so vital for small artists to create, first and foremost, for themselves; to make art that is weird, and wonderful, and unconventional: because the Internet connects artists with those that appreciate their art. ❤️

Regarding the fanfic asks: 📈, 🛠️, and 🤗!

📈 How many fics do you have?

Uh. UH. I... they're kind of spread over a few different areas, and are we counting only active fics?

Upwards of ten active WIPs. I don't want to chase down every WIP I have somewhere, or even the completed little one shots.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

I do ninety percent of my writing in gdocs. It's quick, easy, and I can do it on my phone because I'm a madlad.

In terms of 'tools', just stuff for names. I've been using a lot of wiktionary to research the meaning behind various kanji to help create names for Naruto/Bleach, and occasionally even get to use it for some wordplay. Otherwise, random name generators, behindthename, top 100 baby names - that kind of stuff.

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

This kind of goes for any writer or creative but: create for yourself first. Pleasing your audience is great! It feels great! But don't chase them.

Make something for yourself first, be happy with it, satisfied, and let that be enough. And then, if people like it, that's great! If they don't, well, who cares? You didn't make it for them.

Bruises

Last night I got hit with the flashback stick, and spent most of what should have ostensibly been time in bed as time sleeping on the floor instead.

As a double whammy, I feel like both of my thighs are now bruised on the outside. This does not please me; not least of which because retreating to the floor has been a more common occurrence of late and that's bad enough without adding extra layers of physical discomfort on top of it...

Unexpected HRT side-effect #16: addendum

I mentioned previously that - improbable though it seems - HRT has awoken in me a love of all things spicy.

That particularly journey began with my friend A; who developed her own love of hot sauce when she transitioned, and shared it with me.

I now find out, completely independently, that my adopted daughter P - also well on her hormone therapy way - has suddenly discovered a fascination with hot foodstuffs.

As much as I report on such phenomena with my tongue firmly in cheek, I'm beginning to think that this might an actual measurable side effect!

️ Seventeen years, with many more to come! ❤️

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY WIFE! SEVENTEEN YEARS MARRIED AND COUNTING!!!

I see @foone has switched from reblogging deer girls… to reblogging John Deere girls. 🙂

Imagine the frustration of trying to do maintenance on your robot gf only to find out her wiring diagrams, code, and repair manual are considered confidential and proprietary and only factory certified technicians are allowed or able to work on her. Now imagine working tirelessly to build a wiring diagram, reverse engineer her code, and documenting troubleshooting and maintenance procedures

Sleeping arrangements: addendum 2

I have been reliably informed that my previous illustration of the idiosyncrasies of flashback-driven sleeping positions did not sufficiently emphasize my spouse's ample biceps; I have therefore attempted to rectify this issue as follows:

Unexpected HRT side-effect #4: addendum

I’ve previously touched on how HRT has affected my ability to tolerate extremes of temperature. Today was an interesting illustration to that effect.

First, my wife - who is much wiser in these matters than I - took stock of the current temperature before going outside. (I generally choose my outerwear first and foremost based on what will compliment my current outfit, and then complain loudly while shivering in the car.)

She told me that it was currently 28ºF. In a former life I would have considered this ‘mild’; and maybe - maybe - thrown on a light jacket. Apparently I am learning however, because today I said to myself: “Twenty-eight degrees?! Time to break out the winter coat.”

Unexpected HRT side-effect #9

I sometimes get asked by people that have to stare intently at my face (usually in some professional capacity):

“Your skin is so good! What’s your secret?”

And I tell them:

“Every two weeks I shoot my thigh full of the cool, sexier estrogen!”

As with a number of other effects, I knew that I could expect softer, better skin. However, I didn’t truly appreciate with any kind of granularity as to what that actually meant.

For one thing: I have no breakouts, no blemishes; I changed literally nothing about my diet or skincare routine, and suddenly my face is completely crystal-clear.

(The one exception to this seems to be immediately after I load up my progesterone; although even here, ‘blemish’ seems kind of a strong word for a series of nearly imperceptible bumps.)

For another: my pores have shrunk! This caused some issues in the first couple of weeks, as it effectively forced some of them to trap their contents; but that went away after a little over a month and it’s been plain, small-pored sailing ever since!

The one downside - and it really isn’t much of one - is this: I am actually allergic to cats (which is probably not a great trait in a cat owner); but have great tolerance providing said cats are not rubbing themselves on my face. Doing so would set off a reaction where my lips would tingle and I would break out in hives.

Since starting HRT, the time in which this reaction occurs has gone from many minutes after the initial contact to practically seconds. It really isn’t much of a problem (and truthfully, I’ll gladly accept hives as a consequence of cat affection); but it’s interesting to see how yet another tiny part of my life has been impacted by the simple expedient of transposing my hormone levels!