For Those Of You With Anxiety

I saw Cats last night and I still haven’t recovered. Here is a play-by-play of my experience

The movie begins. The audience is rife with anticipatory giggles. Some lady in the back row loudly says “can we be quiet now, please? let us watch the movie in silence” in a displeased Russian accent. 

We will inevitably disappoint her

In the first 5 minutes, while crying with laughter, I decide this movie is actually about a human who gets genetically engineered into a cat and is exiled to a furrykin community.

5 minutes after that, I think about how good a movie this would be if it was hand-drawn animation and not CGI people-cats, and I become absolutely furious

Mice and cockroaches have human faces and bodies. The audience is screaming.

This film comes VERY close to having a dog on screen. I start sweating in dread of what it might look like. The dog is never shown.

None of the humor is funny

During the slow parts I start to imagine other celebrities in full cat CGI to amuse myself

Cat Idris Elba sexily Thanos-snaps another cat out of existence. Audible confusion ripples through the audience.

The cats do some extremely horny body work involving their tails. The audience is making disgusted noises. Several people yelp “oh NO” very loudly

At the end of a song, the throng of cats start “applauding” by slapping their hands on the ground and saying “meowmeowmeowmeowmeow”. This instigates a fight-or-flight response in me so strong that I nearly bolt out of the theatre.

During an awkward silence the camera cuts to a cat making a “yikes” kind of grimace and the whole theatre laughs because that is the exact emotion we are all feeling

A cat helicopters into the ceiling and is vaporized by cat Idris Elba. A man in the audience yells “GOTTEM!!” at the top of his lungs

Most cats are naked but somehow cat Idris Elba manages to be far more naked than all of them. The audience is screaming, again

Memoriiiiiiies. All alone in the moonliiiiiiight. “Please,” begs the Russian lady in the back of the theatre, sounding defeated, “don’t laugh. Not now.”

The actor who plays the main character gray cat who never gets a song explaining who he is (I am told he is Munkustrap) is DEAD SERIOUS about this role. He is a PROFESSIONAL. He is feeling being a cat so hard. Look at his face at literally any point (but especially during the final epilogue song) and I guarantee he will be having an intensely invested serious face journey. His shoulders must be aching from carrying this entire film.

110 minutes later, or maybe years: the credits roll. The audience cheers raucously. We exit the theatre in a daze. One of my friends goes home with a high fever. 10/10

He’s coming to boop you

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(Source)

this thread absolutely killed me

Don’t talk to me or my 78 insecurities ever again

so @spidcyson, @aqentbarton, and i were talking and the question of ‘do the kardashians exist in the mcu’ came up SO

headcanon that tony stark doesn’t like them much– doesn’t like how they run things in general like how they aren’t as charitable or thoughtful towards their fans– and eventually, he catches wind of the drama surrounding the youngest jenner and her customers

he starts a beauty line of his own just out of sheer pettiness so he gets rhodey and pepper in on it and eventually stark industries expands a makeup branch

tony hires models of every gender, race, sexuality, and background for promoting his brand as a ‘fuck you’ to the lack of diversity in jenner’s brand– even collabs with fenty beauty a few times– and tony growing up in the spotlight, actually knows how to work with makeup (his experimental stints in the fashion and style of the 90s and early 2000s is proof enough of that)

he gets peter and the avengers in on the scheme and peter, giving no fucks of societal gender roles, actually wants to learn how to do makeup so tony pulls out his big ass makeup kit and shows him the ropes – “you start with a clean face and then moisturizer. then you do primer” – and eventually, peter becomes sort of a tester for stark beauty’s products bc he wants to practice his own makeup skills as well

more than once, the avengers call peter in for an emergency in the middle of one of his “practice sessions” and afterwards, he takes the mask off and tony laughs and the avengers are confused as to why peter only has half a glitter cut crease and unblended contour

bonus: tony starts up a beauty channel on youtube and the avengers guest star here and there like bucky guest stars in one of the videos titled “husband’s best friend does my makeup one-armed” and the first few seconds of the video is bucky staring deadpan into the camera and twisting his metal arm off while tony cackles in the background

Some past works