Nixon: FUCK THE COMMANDING OFFICERS

Lipton: Look, you don't want Speirs to die. And I don't want Speirs to die. So let's work together to make sure Speirs doesn't want Speirs to die.

Nix: Fantastic plan but have you ever fucking met Speirs

“I will corrupt you” squad: Luz, Liebgott, Speirs, Nixon, Heffron, Toye, Guarnere

“No, protect the innocent!” gang: Martin, Lipton, Compton, Randleman, Powers, Winters, Welsh, Malarkey

“The innocent” nest: Webster and Doc Roe

Muck, over the phone, holding his bloody nose: Hey, Malark! We're best friends, right, bro?

Malarkey, sighing: Normally I would say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is heading somewhere I won't like.

Ronald Speirs’ fabulous hair appreciation post

Nixon, at Starbucks: can I get a venti vanilla latte with uhh, seven espresso shots

Speirs, next in line: Jesus Christ just do cocaine

Don’t ask why, I don’t know

what really went down in babe’s head during this moment

BoB parenting headcanons - the kids are sick

BabeRoe

Normally Doc is very calm about all things medical, he knows how to identify and treat illness and it’s just a normal part of life and nothing to freak out over. This goes right out of the window when it’s one of his kids though.

If one of Doc’s kids starts to so much as sniffle, that’s it, bed rest and chicken soup and he’s checking their temperature once an hour and keeping track of any fluctuations or new symptoms.

He knows he’s being ridiculous and that all kids get colds and it’s good to build up their immune system, but he can’t help but wondering what if? What if this is the time when it’s something serious and it slips by him? He knows all the worst case scenarios and he knows that they’re rare, but rare means it happens to some people.

Babe understands Gene’s worry, he really does

but sending the kids to bed whenever they’re even a little unwell leads to bored, cranky children

And Babe doesn’t want to undermine Gene or make his worry worse, but he can’t just sit by and let the kids be miserable

Babe is a great believer that the most important thing for sick kids in a good distraction

So he will teach the kids all the card games that he knows, and tell them all the best stories, and put on the movie he said they couldn’t see until their next birthday as a treat (there’s nothing wrong with the movie, but Babe spend his childhood sneaking about to watch movies that he was too young for and it made him feel grown up and he wants his kids to have the same experience, except without the nightmares he got from stealing an 18 horror movies from his cousins)

And Gene wants to be annoyed at him for getting the kids excited when they should be resting, but also seeing them having fun makes him worry less

Speirton

You know Lip is the parent that ends up catching whatever his kid has because he is taking care of them but not himself.

He tries to deny it but a few days after the kid starts sneezing he is sneezing too.

He tries to push through and hold things together like normal, because he needs to be able to look after the kid, and b/c Ron is a good parent but Lip knows that he does not want to come home from work to a runny-nose, crying little kid, because nobody likes that

But the next day when he wakes up it’s not because of his alarm, and he checks his clock and oh shit it is past 10am and how did he ever sleep in so late

And he leaps out of bed and goes to check on the kid

But the kid isn’t is bed

And he’s lowkey freaking out,  

but then he goes into the living room and Ron and the kid are curled up on the couch watching cartoons. But not regular cartoons, Ron has linked his computer to the tv and is showing the kid all the classic cartoons

And Lip is like, okay well if you’ve got the kid I’m going to go catch up on the cleaning, because dealing with a sick kid means there’s a stack of dishes by the sink and the laundry basket is overflowing

But then he goes to the kitchen and the dishes are done and the washer and the dryer are both running

And he goes back in the lounge and Speirs is like, “Happy? Now come get under the blanket.”

And Lip doesn’t get under the blanket, b/c he’s thinking of what else needs doing, but then Ron says, “I called into work and said I had to take the day because I was taking care of my sick kid and husband, and you don’t want to make me a liar, so you’re going to get on this couch and let me take care of you.”

And so Lip and the kid spend all day napping on the couch while Ron brings them crackers and tea and medicine

And the next day Lip wakes up and for the first time in days his head doesn’t feel stuffy and he can breathe through his nose again, and he can’t help but say that it’s the fastest he’s ever got over being sick.

Ron is smug.

LuzToye

This kid. This kid raised by the two of them is so cheerful and so tough and is no way going to miss the fieldtrip they’ve been looking forward to for months just because they’re just *cough cough* a little bit *sneeze* sick. They’ll wear a sweater! It’s the zoo! There’s no such thing as too sick for the zoo.

And Joe and George look at one another and sigh.

One of them is going to have to be the mean-dad.

“Look, sweetheart,” Joe says, “You can go to the zoo some other time.”

And this kid can tough out sickness, but the thought of missing the trip has their lip wobbling and their eyes are getting all watery

And Joe is shooting George these sideways looks, because their kid about to cry and Joe has been the one to break the bad news and now it’s George’s time to step up b/c crying cannot happen okay it’s just can’t

“Yeah, you can’t go today,” George says, “Because we’re having an party.”

And the kid looks up, still all teary but with a little hopeful smile. “Party?”

“Yep! An ice-cream pyjama party just for the three of us. And a movie marathon. With the sing along DVDs.”

And the kid perks up at that, and says, “I’ll get the blankets,” and runs out. Because family singing and icecream is even cooler than the zoo.“

"Was that really the best thing you can think of?” Joe asks.

George sticks out his tounge. “Next time I’m gonna say disneyland.”

Webgott

So Web is stay at home dad, because writing means he can work from home and set his own hours.

The hours Web & the kid keep are good hours with a long lie in every morning.

(Lieb, who leaves for work at the crack of dawn, wonders how he ended up in a family with such layabouts.)

But this means that Lieb is long gone in his cab by the time Web wakes up and realises that the kid has a fever

And Lieb doesn’t use his phone while driving so Web has no way to contact him.

So it’s just Web and this sick little one, and Web doesn’t know what to do because this has never happened before.

He googles it, but the results just scare and confuse him.

And he’s panicking b/c he knew in his head that this was a thing he would have to deal with when having a kid but he was not prepared for the reality, because his baby is all tired and sad and feverish and he doesn’t know how to fix it.

So he does the only sensible thing.

He calls Lieb’s mom.

Mama Liebgott will know what to do.

When Joe gets home from work the kid is cheerfully practising their reading with Web, with no sign of any problems

Joe sniffs the air

“Is that my mom’s matzo ball soup?” It’s a recipe that has been passed down since Joe’s great-grandma and he’d recognise it anywhere.

And Web looks up from the book and says, “It’s like magic.”

And Joe knows that recipe is the one his mom always used to make him when he was sick, and honestly the scene in the living room is just a little too perfect for him not to be suspicious, but the kid looks fine and Web looks fine, so he’s not worried.

He does call his mom later though.

“You gave Webster the secret family recipe…”

“Of course I did. He gave me my first grandbaby.”

“What? I don’t get any of the credit for my own kid?”