Haven’t Had A Dream In A Long Time

haven’t had a dream in a long time

“but he still talks to him sometimes. especially when no one else will listen.”

featuring: chase, guilt, that ache in his chest that never really goes away.

he was taught to kneel before he could walk.

the prayers were whispered like secrets, threaded between strained silences and stiff collars, a boy tucked into church pews like he might learn discipline through osmosis.

god is watching, he was told.

god loves you, if you’re good enough.

so he tried. he did what they wanted.

he smiled like it didn’t hurt.

because if you earn it — the love, the praise, the place at the table — maybe it means something when they finally look at you.

⸻

(chase doesn’t know if he believes in god anymore.

but he still talks to him sometimes.

especially when no one else will listen.)

⸻

he tells himself he doesn’t care what house thinks; tells himself he’s just doing his job.

he tells himself a lot of things.

but there’s a reason he leans forward when house speaks.

a reason he doesn’t quit, even when he should.

⸻

he wants to be wanted. simple as that.

wants to be chosen, for once —

not as a default. not out of pity.

not because he kept quiet long enough to stay.

⸻

sometimes he still dreams in latin.

asks for forgiveness in the language of his childhood. says please, without really knowing who he’s asking.

⸻

maybe it’s selfish. maybe it’s stupid.

but he thinks he’s earned something good by now.

even if it’s small. even if it’s soft.

even if it’s just someone who looks at him like he’s not a shadow in someone else’s story.

⸻

“please, please, please —

let me get what i want.

lord knows it would be the first time.”

— please, please, please let me get what i want (the dream academy)

(~275w)