The Suffering Never Ends

Kaz had no right to say “everyone is going mad” when seeing Wesper kiss. It was hilarious, but he can’t talk when he’s literally one of the biggest simps in the entire fandom.

Mr. I liquified all my assets to find your parents and give you a ship with a crew so you can have the life you’ve always wanted.

Suuuuuuuuuure.

The feminine urge to live in my favorite books is insane.

Also something really important I want to point out about Aziraphale's religious trauma.

It's often framed as him being directly abused by Heaven, generally emotionally. And while I don't doubt he's been belittled at points - probably not by Gabriel, the iconic exemplar of the Toxic Positivity boss, but we know how Michael and Uriel etc. can be - it also seems like he's received quite a lot of praise and has generally managed to pull off the appearance of being A Good Angel, or at least a satisfactory one. I don't think, and this is controversial, but I don't think Heaven was usually overtly hard on him.

Because that's not how this kind of cult mentality usually operates. Instead, it teaches you to abuse yourself. Your overseers don't have to directly hurt or insult you if you're so ingrained with fear of failure by the culture you were brought up in that you constantly question yourself as not good enough.

It's not as... satisfying, I guess? As an external abuser being the main issue. But it's a lot more real. At least to me, because I suffered so much anxiety over being 'good' when I was a kid, and it wasn't from direct abuse. It was absorbed from the culture I was surrounded by. I picked it up by osmosis from society at large, and it tormented me. I worried, I doubted, there was a time I literally feared going to Hell. And I wasn't raised strongly religious. My mother certainly treated me as a Good Kid, and never gave even the suggestion that I wasn't. But I felt that way anyway. And it tore me apart. Because internalizing that shit makes it so much harder to fight.

And to be clear at this point, I am not saying Heaven isn't abusive. I just think the nature of its abuse is more subtle and insidious than it's often given credit for. And - this is even harder to accept, but it's true, and it's important - it's not just abusive to Az. All the angels are victims of it. Yes, even Gabriel. The moment he, one of the most powerful forces in Heaven, steps out of line, we see that no one is exempt. Never even mind Muriel, who is literally on the lowest rung of the Heavenly ladder and has probably never been told they're worth anything beyond being, you know, an angel, so at least you're better than humans and demons.

It's a contrast with Crowley, who has long since accepted most (not all, there are definitely some deep issues remaining, but they're nothing like Aziraphale's) of his internal doubts and struggles. His fears are almost entirely external. He doesn't beat himself up if he fucks up. He doesn't have to. There are people happy to beat him up for him. So when things go really bad for him, his instinct is to run. To get out of the way of harm as much as possible.

The fact that Aziraphale is harder on himself than anyone else could be is a vital part of his character. He self-punishes. He self-criticizes. He feels awful every time he breaks the rules in the slightest, even though he isn't usually caught at it. Crowley can find some safety in solitude if he keeps his wits sharp and his head down. Aziraphale can't, because he carries Heaven's conditioning with him at all times. He doesn't need oversight, it doesn't take external threats to keep him in line. You don't need direct threats when literally everyone in your celestial workplace has seen firsthand the consequences of rebellion.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Again, this is informed by personal experience and I can't claim to be unbiased. But I see so much internalization with Aziraphale. He literally can't even accept praise without being nervous as hell, and I don't think it's fear of punishment or ridicule that's his primary motivation. He simply cannot ever be good enough for himself.

That's how they get you.

Anyway, I think it's why his reaction to disaster is the opposite to Crowley's, why he feels he has to turn and face it and somehow avert the horror (or, alternatively, find some way to reconcile it in his head and accept it - because let's be real, that's often what happens) rather than get himself away. He's less afraid of failing his superiors than he is of failing himself. And God, who is, objectively, the biggest abuser in the entire story.

Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue.

I like how we all took a collective look at Vox and thought ‘What a pathetic excuse of a man’, and loved him even more for it.

I don't think some of you should be coming down on Aziraphale so hard for his decision and I'm going to point out something not enough people take into consideration.

Just think of the circumstances he was in. He got offered a deal that could fix pretty much every single problem they have and that could consequently make both him and Crowley incredibly happy.

At least that's how he sees it. It all comes crashing down once he realises that that's not what Crowley wants. That it's not that easy for them to have that perfect life. Having that opportunity and then it being ripped right out of his hands. Just look at how giddy he was when he was telling Crowley, after which he straight up went into denial and refusing to listen to what Crowley has to say, because this. would. have. solved. everything.

But... it's not what Crowley wants. And it's not as if he can make him go with him to Heaven (thank god) because he's not that kind of person. He's not possessive or controlling. And more than anything he loves Crowley and up until that moment he had the perfect means to make him happy. And now it's gone.

So not only does he have this earth shattering realisation about Crowley and what he wants he also now has to deal with what he himself wants. Now if anyone knows how it feels to be in such a stressful and agonising dilemma over something, you will probably feel and emphasise with Aziraphale pretty hard in this scene. Because this is where old coping mechanisms start to hit. This is where he falls back on something reliable, something he can trust will make the right decision, and that is his old belief that Heaven is to be obeyed and that it can do no wrong, that is still so ingrained in his instincts and decision making. This is where his trauma comes into play.

And he fights it.

How fucking strong do you have to be to be able to fight your own gut feeling, that has been trained and created for millions of years. He actively tries to tell the Metatron "no" multiple times, shame that the Metatron is a master manipulator and doesn't let him the opportunity, but he still does it nonetheless.

(This is the part I wanted to point out) This boy had to make a life changing decision that would determine how he would spend the rest of eternity itself. And he didn't even have 10 minutes to make it.

He had only minutes to make this decision. Imagine the sheer soul-shattering heart-rending turmoil that has been going on inside him. The sheer panic and dread he was probably feeling.

And despite what millenia of training and what his thoughts and logic were telling him, he still followed his heart, he still chose Crowley... until the Metatron sensed exactly that and told him about the Second Coming.

Well, now that made things much simpler. His happiness or the universe. And he sacrificed himself. Again...

And to top it all off, he had to fucking smile. He has just lost everything he loves, earth, the bookshop, crepes... and Crowley. No. No, it's more than that. After Crowley's confession he realised he lost everything he never even had. Utterly and completely alone. And he cannot dare shed a tear. How. Fucking. Strong. Do you have to be to be able to do that.

(Sorry if there is better way to show this!!!!)

I would love too!!! But if you would rather do it then that’s perfectly fine too! I’d probably try to make it as light hearted as possible, but I’m open to suggestions!!!

An Ode to Aziraphale

Aziraphale, Yes, I adore you because you are an angel. A literal angel from Heaven and yet you are not perfect.

I love that you try and do the right thing even when you know your superiors will not like it, even when your plans go awry.

I adore your sassy ass.

I think you are odd and brave and entirely too wrapped in your own head sometimes.

I love the joy you find in Earthly, human things you don't need.

You are adorable when you get annoyed.

It's very, ahh, affecting.

Your silliness makes me giggle and persuades me to be more open and free and unashamed in my own rl.

Your huge heart and openness to learn and to consider others' experience and point of view are themselves a miracle.

Angel or not, you care for the humans you don't entirely understand.

I adore that you fell in love with a demon not because he's handsome, but because he's kind and considerate, and because he cares.

I adore how much you rankle each other and yet you are each others' worlds.

I love that you pay attention. To things that may seem as ephemeral as an actor's enjoyment in playing a role, or the playwright's success with it.

I adore you for trying to cheer up a friend who you knew was very likely doing things you should be wanting to punish him for.

I love that after 6000 years with humans, watching them murder each other in increasingly innovative ways you still melt at signs of love between them.

I adore that you are happy to do things imperfectly even though you could miracle everything to be impeccable every time.

This goes for your worn, loved clothes as well.

I adore that you implicitly trust a demon.

And that you taught him to trust more as well.

I adore that you pay attention to what others do and not what they say.

I adore you for not giving up.

I adore you for making the hardest decision to have a shot at the best possible future.

You deserve to be happy angel. And adored.

I think the main thing that gets me about episode 6 is that it shows how truly unfair it is. Like, Adam literally said “we don’t have bad days” THEN HOW CAN YOU JUDGE HOW SOMEONE ELSE COPES IN A PLACE WHERE THEY ONLY HAVE BAD DAYS?!? Lute looked directly at Angel in pain and said that it was his fault, like he had a choice. And maybe he did, but it’s still not his fault of all the horrible things that’s been done to him. They never had to experience that and feel no sympathy for things they don’t understand. Thats why I don’t think they want to know what the system is of how they ended up where they did. They think they won and that’s all they need to know to think their better then those is worse situations.

I have a proposal: we write the third season.

It sucks that it was canceled, but if WE write it, we can make the sister as quirky/ridiculous as her brothers, add some deeper meanings that we’ve already been talking about, etc. We can share rough drafts and ideas. Obviously we don’t have to, but it’s an idea. Plus, not all the stress would be put on one person to write.