I Know I Promised Jon But He Is Being... Difficult... I Will Ended Up Doing Him Death At This Pace, But

*Pats head* it's okay Reigen you tried your best

Epic but it's just a DnD game

DM: “The cyclops pulls out a club and takes a swing. Everyone make a dexterity saving throw” Odysseus: “Nat 20!” Eurylochus: “17!” Polites: “That’ll be a nat 1…” *Polites’s miniature is knocked from the board*

DM: “Odysseus walks off with the wind bag. Everyone make a wisdom saving throw” Eurylochus: “…I got a 3” DM: “You gotta see what’s inside that bag” Eurylochus: “But I’m Odysseus’s second in command, surely I’d tru-“ DM: “YOU GOTTA SEE WHAT’S INSIDE THAT BAG”

Odysseus: “I must be a god like you, ‘cause I got this root from the ground with my bare hands!” DM: “Make an intimidation check” Odysseus: “…yeah that’s a 1” Circe: “Hermes gave it to you, didn’t he”

Circe: “I roll to seduce Odysseus… 17!” DM: “Not bad! Odysseus, make a wisdom saving throw” Odysseus: “Nat 20, baby!!” DM: “Sorry, Circe, Odysseus really does just love his wife that much”

DM: “A siren appears, wearing Penelope’s face… Odysseus, make a wisdom saving throw” Odysseus: “Another nat 20 let’s gooo-" DM: “Okay so you can just sail on by-" Odysseus: “No no let me roll for persuasion, let’s have some fun with this”

Odysseus: “Please don’t tell me you’re about to do what I think you’ll do” DM: “Roll for persuasion” Odysseus: “…nat 1” DM: “your luck has run out. Eurylochus, steak time. Nom nom nom”

Eurylochus: “But we’ll die” DM: “Roll for persuasion” Eurylochus: “…nat 1” Odysseus: “I know” Eurylochus: “dude come ON-“ DM: *lightning noises*

Odysseus: “If you’re plan’s so great, then why’d you wait to say it?” DM: “Hermes, make a performance check” Hermes: “NAT 20 DARLING” DM: “This campaign is now a Hermes dance party. Ody, you’re fighting those sea monsters on your own while Hermes just tears it up in the corner”

Poseidon: “After everything you’ve done, how will you sleep at night?” Odysseus: “Next to my wife” Literally the entire party: “OHHHHHHHHHHH” DM: “THAT’S AN INSPIRATION POINT FOR YOU” *Cut to Odysseus beating every single suitor in the span of like an hour*

Part 2

Maglor’s Fate theories ranked from least to most absurd

(with links to relevant AO3 fics because I know you’ll love that)

Eventually died, possibly during the sinking of Beleriand. Seems to be implied by Mandos mentioning that he will have Fëanor’s sons in his halls (Maglor is not mentioned separately from the others who definitely died)

Will wander forever unable to return home due to his unfulfillable Oath. Eventually fades from existence, his physical body slowly decaying due to the Marring of Arda until his spirit is left to haunt the shores. Fulfills the “your deeds will forever be a matter of song” part of the Doom.

Eventually pardoned long after the Third Age and builds his own makeshift raft to get there. Alternatively called “Nerdanel bullies the Valar to get what she wants.”

Tossed into the Void along with his father and brothers as punishment for their crimes as per the wording of the Oath [x]

Hunted down by Sauron as petty revenge (maybe at Celebrimbor, maybe just at the Feanorians in general, maybe just because Sauron got bored) [x, x, x, x]

Living in Rivendell during the Third Age, probably under the name Lindir. Fits with “The Lost Road” where he was said to live with Elrond for a while after the First Age. [x]

Cohabiting with Daeron and possibly Nimloth. Maybe they eventually sail. Maybe they don’t. [x, x]

Beach hermit who is dragged home against his will by Elrond at the end of the Third Age. [x, x, x]

Beach hermit who grudgingly befriends Cirdan this could end well [x] or it could end in tragedy [x]

Bonds with Bilbo over maps (and pastries). Bilbo did not initially know who this strange hobo Elf was, but once he figures it out Bilbo manages to trick him into reuniting with Elrond [x]

Tossed into the Void as per the Oath, but is rescued by the sheer determination (and stupidity) of Elrond Half Elven. [x]

Rescued by Eönwë, his ex boyfriend. Yes I am ranking my OTP as absurd. No I am not accepting notes. [x]

Tom Bombadill. That’s it. That’s the theory. [x, x, x]

Convinces the men of Gondor to jail him for his crimes and becomes a sort of pseudo-prophet for the Gondorians for centuries. Eventually yelled at by Elrond. [x]

Joins the Fellowship of the Ring, not because he wanted to, but because it sounded like no one else who volunteered was actually qualified [x]

Shows up during the Hobbit to yell at people about the foolishness of going to war over pretty Jewels [x]

Becomes Homer, the blind Greek playwright. May or may not also be Shakespeare.

Lives on through the modern age, eventually decides that five dollar monthly margaritas at Chili’s are better than Valinor.

Kidnapped by Earendil (on orders from Elrond). The Valar allow it because if Earendil is okay with him then can they really argue??? [x]

Actually Celebrimbor: There’s a reason Celebrimbor wasn’t mentioned in the original drafts of the Silm and was thrown in as an after thought, and that’s because Elrond and ‘Celebrimbor’ took advantage of the fact that most of Nargothrond died to create a cover story for where this ‘new’ Fëanorian came from.

Killed during the Third Age, by a werewolf who is actually Finrod [x]

Befriends some dude named John Ronald Ruel and tells him stories that the Oxford professor eventually adapts and turns into an epic tale. Discrepancies in the canon can be attested to JRRT deciding to “improve” things.

Actually JRR Tolkien himself, after writing down his crimes and ensuring that his crimes will never be forgotten, he eventually allows himself to die. Discrepancies in the canon can be attested to confusion brought about by damage from his Oath and ensuing madness.

Crablor

can’t believe this loser is a big brother (she will outgrow him soon)

The depictions of Aragorn as an unwashed, dirt-eating, off-the-grid backpacker become much better when you realize that he was raised by Elrond, by all accounts the most civilized, refined, and genteel person on the known continent.

The hobbits had just gotten used to seeing him eat uncooked rabbit and suddenly he’s sitting at Elrond’s table, speaking three kinds of Elvish and using the correct fork for every dish!

HAPPY SANS SWEEP QUEEN DEATH DAY

I’m pretty sure that as far as “infuriating helmets you’d hate to see before you get stabbed” go, this one is definitely up there

OH MY GOD, IT'S ARYA.

Yeah I disappeared, but I did Arya, and I love Arya a lot. I see a lot of Arya in my younger self and she was my favorite character growing up.

I did Arya in Braavos in her no one not really no one phase, the weird space between the hands kinda represents that. Her clothes are kinda based in Naples clothing because I like to imagine the free cities as the Mediterranean.

Talking of comebacks, George I'm watching you.

Cyno