To Be Fair, Humans Are Some Bullshit From A Balance Perspective.

I need this as reference for when I get lazy

Hi, everyone! Believe it or not, it’s my birthday again. This past year has involved a lot of change for me. When l look at what’s different in my life, it makes me think about my long-term goals and the prospect of growth. I feel less certain about what I want my future to look like than ever before. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel discouraged at many points during this past year. I’ve been battling a lot of “I’ll never” thoughts– “I’ll never be able to do this” and “I’ll never have that”, etc. But when I think about how much has changed since my last birthday, it reminds me of all the things I’ve done and all the things I have that used to be “I’ll never"s. Things that I’ve accomplished and attained purely by living my life and experiencing new things and continuing to try, one day at a time. I don’t think anyone, at any age, should look at themselves and conclude that by this point in their lives they know the ultimate limit of their capabilities with certainty. Even when my mind is full of "I’ll never"s, it comforts me to think that the things I struggle with now will one day fail to impede me, so long as I continue to try and be better. I know that my biggest, most daunting goals for the far future aren’t going to sneak up on me. On my way there I’ll become a person with the skill, experience, discipline, and stability to achieve them. My life is better than it was a year ago. I’m a better person than I was on my last birthday. I’ve done more and I have more. I’m proud, and grateful, and excited.

I’m looking forward to the next one. And that’s all I wanted to say. Thank you.

Imagine aliens reacting to human eating habits.

For instance, taste. Like, one day an alien notices the human crew member dumping something bright orange on their midday ration.

Alien: Does your supplement not have the right nutrients/? Human: No, it just tastes bad. Alien: ???? Human: Well, not precisely bad, but bland. It’s boring. So I thought I’d spice it up a bit. *waves bottle of bright orange substance* Alien: You add items to your food that provide no necessary sustenance??? Human: Oh, just wait ‘til you hear about junk food.

‘Cause humans eat stuff that is not good just for the sensation. Like really spicy foods, chewing gum, and all these spices. And the aliens don’t get it. You put that in your body? Doesn’t that mess up your digestive system? What purpose does it serve?

Or human eating rituals. If you eat with one group of humans there are all of these utensils, some of which look extremely similar, but each with it’s own unique purpose. And if you don’t use the right one at the right time it’s a social faux pas. Then another group mostly uses their hands and lick their fingers. Does this not introduce pathogens? And you’ll see the same human doing both behaviors.

And there’s the whole concept of a meal as a social endeavor. Humans will have a meal with those they are close with as a sign of affection. Humans don’t even spend the entire meal eating, no they use it to talk. Business is done, friends catch up, families share news. All over a meal.

Aliens considering food a necessity not to be discussed in public. Yet here are these humans, who post pictures of their food to social media, share recipes, use food as a social catalyst, and as comfort. Hell, comfort food as a completely human idea that aliens don’t understand.

Anyway, humans are weird.

Humans are Weird

Have you guys ever heard of gaze detection? It’s when you feel like someone is staring at you and you start to get nervous and anxious?

Like the only time you get this feeling is when Someone is staring at you hardcore. They won’t stop looking at you, so when you get this feeling it’s common to start looking around for the source of the stare.

What if aliens don’t have this? You can stare at them for hours and they won’t even shift uncomfortably or become anxious. What if only humans have this?

It’s been a week since the new human climbed aboard our ship. It is well known they are an interesting and somewhat terrifying species that, surprisingly, are very knew to the Alliance. But even though they were fresh to the universe, they somehow were able to be a big influence.

So naturally most of us stared at the new human in curiosity. It was a male from what we could gather and he was a loud human. He would talk all the time with the other members of the crew and would make noises while he worked. “Outgoing” as the humans described it.

But something strange happens to him when we are looking at him. He could be talking to a crew member or doing his work when I start to stare for more then a few minutes I mean, he’s just so strange looking and he seems harmless from the outside that I couldn’t help but stare.

Suddenly he stiffens, grows quiet. The room is completely silent. It sets me on edge. Is something wrong with him? Is he sick?

Suddenly the human snaps his head towards me with his forehead hair down “frowning”, he’s staring right at me.

I shriek internally and panick. Oh no he’s mad he’s going to kill me? How did he know I was looking at him?! Does he have sensors or something?!?! Damn it I knew I shouldn’t have been alone with him!

I quickly hovered out of the room and hid behind a generator. I pray to Xbephon he doesn’t find me.

The Human shook his head and continued back to his work. Mumbling about “weird aliens, I was just going to ask them to stop staring.”

Throwing My Hat into the “Humans Are Weird” Thing

So what if all the other alien species evolved from Prey Species? Like, humans show up on the galactic scene and everyone is weirded out by the appearance of this species with eyes on the front of their heads and binocular vision, and crazy good senses of hearing and smell compared to everyone else.

And then it hits them.

They just made first contact with a race of sapient, intelligent Apex Predators. Eventually, after the panic dies down and the other races realize that humans aren’t going to eat them, they realize how good they are under pressure. They can hear and smell things before anyone else, are capable of going days without food if they have to, weeks with very little food. Or, they can pull off these insane feats of accuracy with their binocular vision. Or smell what dinner is from three rooms away, or hear a ship’s system failure before the alarm sounds.

A-are these feats of athletic prowess normal for humans?!? I should report this to my superiors...

No limit..✌

Humans Are Weird (Pregnancy and Babies)

“Humans are weird” post! What if all aliens actually hatch from eggs and our planet is the only one in the universe that has mammals on it. For an alien, the shell of their egg is a bit like their birth certificate because it’s the proof that they were born, so it’s extremely important for them. To study the development of certain species, they sometimes have to ask some specimen of that species to show them their shell. But then, they visit Earth and meet humans…

Alien: Good morning Human-Nate. I am Xers, an eggshell specialist. In order to study your species development, I need you to show me the shell of the egg that you hatched from. Don’t worry, I am a professional. I can guarantee that you will have it back in the same state as it was when you entrusted it to me. Human: hummmm, I’m sorry but I don’t have any eggshell to show you….. Alien: Could it be that you lost it? If so, please excuse me for my previous request. I am sorry if you thought that it was a rude of me. Human: Don’t apologize, it’s fine! *nervous hand gesture* I didn’t lose it or anything. It’s just that I never had one in the first place. Humans do not hatch from eggs. Alien: W-what? They don’t?! Then how? Human: Well, to put it short, the baby grows inside of the mother’s uterus for 9 months and then, when they are ready, they just…come out…by another part of the the mother’s reproductive system. Alien: Directly from the uterus? With no shell or protection?! Baby humans actually SURVIVE this?! Human: Yup, and I am the living proof! *laughs* Alien: …..what the hell is wrong with your species.

To learn more about what humans call “pregnancy”, Xers went to see a pregnant woman and asked her questions about the singular gestation process of “mammals”. After a few minutes, the woman chuckled softly and put a hand on her round belly.

Alien: *worried* Human-Kate, are you alright? Human: It’s nothing. I just felt a small kick from her. *chuckles* Alien:….Did your growing organism just ATTACK YOU?!

What if a lot of alien species didn’t actually evolve as pack species, and just adapted to living in communities out of necessity? So they can still work and live together, but they don’t have all the little instincts humans have that help them work in a group.

And they are freaked out by us.

We all wear the same clothes. It’s not a uniform— we just somehow all seem to like roughly the same outfits. We fit in so naturally with the people around us that you can use a human’s clothing to tell what country and what time period they are from. Aliens have no idea how we know what clothes are appropriate— they end up having to hire humans to act as fashion consultants after several incidents where diplomats showed up wearing mismatched clothes from various time periods and countries and looking totally ridiculous.

And what about yawning? Aliens who work on human ships say they never fully get used to hearing one human yawn and then having the whole room start yawning along with them. Or telling a joke to one human and seeing humans who say they don’t find the joke that funny cracking up anyway because “their laugh is so infectious!” It’s a common practical joke to tell new nonhuman crew members about this horrible disease humans get, where they feel tired and have an uncontrollable urge to open their mouths. It’s deadly, they say, and very contagious.

New safety procedures have to be worked out for the humans because, on the one hand, you don’t have to go around telling each individual to leave. Humans will just follow the mob. On the other hand, though, you have to be careful not to spread panic, because if one human runs, they all will, and they’ll trample anyone who isn’t fast enough to stay ahead.

Aliens hear humans tell their kids not to give into peer pressure and just get really confused. “Why would they do it if they don’t want to?”

“Because their friends are telling them to do it!”

“But why do it just because they’re telling them to do it?”

“Because they’re their friends!”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

When aliens see earth movies about people being indoctrinated or turned into zombies, it takes them a while to realise that these are horror movies because, from their perspective, that’s just what humans are like.

More Humans Are Weird

Okay, but this: we’ve established that humans have an odd perception of injuries. But what about how many are afraid of doctors? 

Alien: Human Alana, that is a lot of blood. Are you okay?

Human, with cut foot: It’s just a cut. Hardly feel anything. *looks closer* Oh, cool. Hey, is that my tendon?

Alien: By my knowledge, if you are able to see the bones or tendons, you need stitches. Should we not get you to the medical bay immediately?

Human *uncomfortable*: Or… what would happen if I just, you know… didn’t? I mean, I’m fine with a bigger scar. Scars are cool.

Alien: But does your species not get infected wounds??

Human: We do… but I really don’t want to get stitches.

Alien: Human Alana, I believe I must insist! It is for your well-being!

Human: *starts to panic*

Alien: *Freaks the fuck out because they don’t know what to do*

We did it again people, reblog to get some divine intervention and never miss a saving throw again