Took Me Too Long To Write This Down.
Took me too long to write this down.
Too long that now, my mind has overcooked my thoughts and abd this version might now be heavier, weightier and still mean nothing at all.
This is my POV, there is no part of this that reflects anyone in a way I did not perceive them, their image in these words are from a mirror that I made from my mind, my memories. Nothing else.
I hear the word codependent and think 'That doesn't describe me.' I've found out now, I'm at risk.
I talk about how much my friends save me, that's now. Before, things were different. I've always been in danger of getting my heart broken by myself, how I wholly immerse myself in being that one friend you can't discard, shaping myself to please, to impress, to look up to, to emulate. It's always with one particular person, thank God. There'd be nothing left of me otherwise, stretched to thinness from my folding and cutting over multiple people, my friendship monogamy saved my life.
I don't remember a first that is not B, she was the moon to me, I longed for her approval, ready to be her minion. All she had to do was exist, I wanted to be seen by her, cherished the way I cherished her. I tried so hard to hold on to her but I saw even then that I didn't fit her mould, she wanted things and people and an image and sometimes, I wasn't in these images and so I was left behind, often. At Navy for GCEs. That's all on that episode, that was the first time it started. Or the first time I saw. Years passed and texts looked like that line from the Eilish song.
Our conversation's all in blue, eleven 'hey's.
I saw her convos with other people and I wanted to be them, have half of what she had with them. It couldn't happen, maybe it was me, maybe it was her, it doesn't matter. I wasn't used by her. I used myself by myself. I wanted to be close to her so much and I was, I took every part of her she gave but I was never going to get what I wanted but I didn't think of that and so never realised it and I held on and on. Used myself up to fill a longing for kinship. Why? I don't know. My retrospection has left that corner of my mind.
I don't regret. It's such a waste to regret. I hate that I didn't learn this part of myself sooner, that way I'd have avoided doing the same for M. I don't remember much, she was not as intellectually challenging as B. There was no game to her words, they showed all the depth that they had immediately she spoke them but still I bent, backward and forward for her to see me, to like me. I am my own danger, years again of being what I would hate later, something I couldn't forgive. I gave her precedence over my sister. More than once. That's all. I do not remember how I came to devolve. But M came with more drama, a ruined reputation and a family gathering where I wasn't there. It's a pity really, that event taught me shame in a weird way and still I fold. In bigger pieces now but still for her, for her family. I forgive myself her.
I am needy and selfish with people, that is the core of my problem. Like a leech, I am clingy to the point of pain. I will not leave till I've been embarrassed. I will also not turn back.
It isn't shocking then that the last time I'll cling, it will be to a MB. Oh, how closely did I cling. It's not embarrassing this time. I started to unravel myself with her, started learning what my issue was. Spoke about it like a warning. 'Be careful, I'd die for you. Just please don't hang out with your other friends too much.'
Insane, very insane. I'd coordinate outfits and be rejected and in rejecting me she shamed me and in my shame, I learnt there might be strength in my knees, I could stand up and walk away. But she did it first. That MB and the imperial need for me to leave her space.
That's enough unspooling. For now.
More Posts from No-mes and Others
I'm trying to restrain myself from complaining about my results here but that's just making this space redundant. This is my diary, no one knows me here. No one ever will.
Here goes:
What. The. Heck? I didn't slave through notes and PDFs and PDFs on end to see my results and be groaning in pain. It's an ugly little feeling when my hardwork doesn't translate to my grades and I hate it here.
Reposted this only to not take the advise.
one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become
More of the pictures that I hoard.
As part of her social media detox this girl on YouTube made herself do one hour of understimulating tasks every day and she just counted rice for 60 minutes straight because its no different from doomscrolling in terms of wasted time
one of the biggest things I can advocate for (in academia, but also just in life) is to build credibility with yourself. It’s easy to fall into the habit of thinking of yourself as someone who does things last minute or who struggles to start tasks. people will tell you that you just need to build different habits, but I know for me at least the idea of ‘habit’ is sort of abstract and dehumanizing. Credibility is more like ‘I’ve done this before, so I know I can do it, and more importantly I trust myself to do it’. you set an assignment goal for the day and you meet it, and then you feel stronger setting one the next day. You establish a relationship with yourself that’s built on confidence and trust. That in turn starts to erode the barrier of insecurity and perfectionism and makes it easier to start and finish tasks. reframing the narrative as a process of building credibility makes it easier to celebrate each step and recognize how strong your relationship with yourself can become
Emotion permanence.
Oh what a day to be kicked in the face that I suffer from this cos why do I feel unloved if I so much as get no response for a while from my partner. I'm going to be investigating this further, hang out with me till then.
Pretending i forgot my tumblr existed lol.
Update: the love I held on to, the one where I'd rather type in an obscure corner of my room than express myself too much to, I let it go. I let it go and I am vindictive enough to hope that it hurts them more than it hurts me.
I'm in a new one that I feel will end badly but at least I think I'd be the least hurt.
27 July 2024
Anyway, to do list :
Lipid metabolism ✅
Protein
Amino acid metabolism
CNS
It's scorching hot here with 37° celcius and I am literally struggling to even stay sane to study.
Also, ignore my digital handwriting. It's the worst lol.
Structuring Your Fight Scene
adapted from <Writer's Craft> by Rayne Hall
Suspense
Show your characters gearing up, readying themselves.
The pace is slow, the suspense is high (use suspense techniques)
Provide information about terrain, numbers, equipment, weapons, weather.
May have dialogue as the opponents taunt each other, hurl accusations, or make one final effort to avoid the slaughter.
Don't start too early - we don't need to see the hero getting out of bed, taking a shower and having tea.
2. Start
Fighters get into fight stance: knees slightly bent, one leg forward, abdominal muscles tensing, body turned diagonally, weapons at the ready.
Each side will usually try to be the first to strike, as this will give them advantage.
The movements in this section need to be specific and technically correct.
3. Action
This section may be quick or prolonged. If prolonged, no blow-by-blow descriptions are needed.
Focus on the overall direction of the fight
Make use of the location to make characters jump, leap, duck, hide, fall, etc.
Mention sounds of weapons
4. Surprise
Something unexpected happens: building catches fire, a downpour, relief force arrives, staircase collapses, bullet smashes into the only lightbulb and everything goes dark, hero losses his weapon, etc.
Add excitement, raise the stakes.
5. Climax
Both sides are tired and wounded
The hero is close to giving up, but is revived with passion
Move to the terrain's most dangerous spot: narrow swining rope-bridge, a roof-edge, sinking ship, etc.
Don't rush the climax! Hold the tension
6. Aftermath
The fight is over: bes buddies lying dead, bandaging, reverberating pain, etc.
Use sense of sight and smell
The hero may experience nausea, shaking, tearfulness or get sexually horny
Fight scene length
Historical/adventure/fantasy: 700-1000w
Romance: 400-700w
