Chip The Glasses And Crack The Plates! Blunt The Knives And Bend The Forks! That’s What Bilbo Baggins

JD Vance: *is from the midwest, claims to be for the working class normal folks, went to Yale and is a venture capitalist*

Tim Walz:

I’m betting we won’t see kissing until after chapter 20

when you responded to the ask abt kissing in chapter six? and said 'oh, my sweet summer child'? i felt that crunch somewhere between the third and fourth vertebrae. the sweating and shaking increases with every passing day

*gentle pats*

I promise the slow burn will be worth it. Hang in there!

oh you like history? name everything that ever happened

CNBC

Meta goes to arbitrator to prevent whistleblower from promoting tell-all book

An emergency arbitrator ruled that former Meta staffer Sarah Wynn-Williams is prohibited from promoting memoir of her tenure at the social m

Hey did you know there's a tell all book about the behind the scenes of Meta and the author is forbidden from promoting it?

The good news is however that it's already published and can't be stifled and whoever didn't sign the NDA can promote it as much as they want.

geraskier fic recs: feral jaskier

1. Frantic by AvoidingAverage

Geralt was hanging limply against the rough bark. Two daggers kept him pinioned like a bug in place and left dark streaks of drying blood down his arms and exposed chest. Silver hair was matted close to his forehead from a sluggishly bleeding would that left golden eyes hazy and unfocused. Worst still were the bruises littering every inch of exposed skin like a collage of torment.

His Witcher had been tortured.

———

There was a name for the emotion burning like fire in his blood, eating away at the dandelion bard that had made his living seeking the pleasure of others. A simple phrase that barely encompasses the new tension in his bones and made his mind focus with singular, violent intent.

Wrath. _________________________

Geralt leaves Jaskier to go on a hunt that quickly goes wrong. Jaskier decides to take matters into his own hands.

~~~

Whoo boy this one was good. Gave me literal chills the first time I read it. Still just as good as the first read, gotta love me some Feral!Jaskier. Jask is so cool in this one I love it a lot.

2. a bit of violent delight by violaceum_vitellina_viridis

“I’m looking for the Witcher."

“Ah, you’re here to ferret him out for us, are ya, bard?”

“I’m here to do no such thing. I’m here to see if he needs any assistance and tell you to fuck off.”

Jaskier happens to be in the right place at the right time to help an injured Eskel.

~~~

I'm not sure if I've uploaded this fic already or not but its still really good so you should read it again even if I have recommended this one before. Always love me some well written dynamic between Jaskier and the other wolf witchers (Coën too!).

3. and in triumph, live by violaceum_vitellina_viridis

The first time Jaskier properly meets Lambert, the Witcher nearly breaks the bard’s nose.

Jaskier is in the right place at the right time again, and a little violence isn't about to stop him from doing exactly what he wants: to take care of yet another Witcher.

~~~

Haha stubborn Lambert and chaotic Jaskier go brrr. Love these morons a lot and Lambert and Jaskier's dynamic almost as much as I love Geralt and Jaskiers.

4. this action will have no echo by andrewminyards

“What are you doing here?” Geralt flicks his gaze over Jaskier, who’s suddenly acutely aware of the hidden blades under his clothes. “Where’s your lute?”

“My - what are you doing here?” Jaskier deflects, trying valiantly to hide his panic. With Geralt here, how is he supposed to kill the lord now?

“The lord hired me as a bodyguard.” Geralt looks around uncomfortably, clearing his throat. “Apparently someone’s trying to kill him.”

Jaskier’s stomach drops. Well, shit. If the lord knows that someone is after him, Jaskier will have a harder time getting close enough to kill him, and with Geralt acting as a bodyguard… that complicates things. A lot.

*

Jaskier is an assassin, but Geralt doesn’t know that. When Jaskier is sent after a cruel, corrupt lord who has hired Geralt as his bodyguard, Jaskier tries to figure out how to assassinate the lord without Geralt finding out his secret.

~~~

Ah, chaos and misunderstandings my beloved. 10/10 would read again I love the concept of this fic so much. Also this author is a really good author I'd totally recommend checking out their other fics (I'm subscribed to them!).

5. damned saint, honourable villain by violaceum_vitellina_viridis

“I’m Jaskier, or Dandelion, a – ”

“Bard, professor, infamous thorn in the side,” the Witcher finishes for him.

Jaskier is the one saved, for once. Though that hardly stops him from helping the Witcher who helped him.

~~~

Vesemir my beloved <3 <3. Wow this really giving found family vibes huh, totally not being called out here. Vesemir as a father figure? Yes please.

6. the fume of sighs by violaceum_vitellina_viridis

Jaskier can be very patient when he needs to be.

But Gods is he tired of Geralt’s shit.

Jaskier not-so-gently bullying his favorite Witcher.

~~~

Haha Jaskier and Geraly dynamic funny. Love these stupid boys so much. Also like, mood Jaskier, honestly. I too, am sick of Geralt's shit lmao.

7. Don't Leave Me by AvoidingAverage

Jaskier’s hands tighten around Geralt before slowly losing their grip, spasming where they fall limp. “Ger--geralt--”

“Don’t you dare,” he snarls back, “Don’t you dare try to give me your fucking goodbyes. You are not dying.”

“S--silly man.” Jaskier’s smile is full of painful fondness. “Would you fight death for me?”

Geralt swings him up into his arms and nearly weeps at the sound of familiar hooves running in his direction. “Every. Fucking. Time.”

~~~

Haha ouch. It's angst with a happy ending but it still hurted. Also poisoning is involved so theres that I guess. This stressed me out a bit lmao was on the edge of my seat far too many times.

the first sentient robot to realize deceased humans and animals can’t be repaired or backed up on a server is gonna be so devastated

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU 1999, dir. Gil Junger

i just realized that the siblings never really discussed the fact that klaus honest-to-goodness died, so hear me out: 

imagine that one night, after every single apocalypse the world could possibly throw at them has been averted and they’re all getting ready for an ‘adult sleepover’ (which is basically just a bullshit excuse they pull to build the most awesome blankets-and-pillows fort ever), diego blurts out “hey, luther, remember the time you got high for the first time at that rave?” and klaus chuckles and adds “yeah, the one where i died?”

and all movement in the kitchen just–freezes.

vanya and allison stare at him, open-mouthed, the bottles of nail varnish on the table temporarily forgotten; luther’s hands curl into fists, even as he tries to breath in all slow and deep; five’s left eye is doing this funny little twitchy thing; and diego actually manages to squeeze the popcorn bowl in half.

and of course klaus doesn’t notice because he’s soooo used to flying underneath his siblings’ radar, so when they all attack him at once in a massive group hug, he screams, his body going into fight-or-flight mode, before he realizes that they’re scolding him out of pure worry. 

”you ramble about a billion different things, and yet the one time something this important happens to you, you just conveniently ‘forget’ to tell us?” five scoffs, with his face smushed into somebody’s collarbone.

klaus can’t tell who, can’t really make out where his body ends and another sibling’s begins and suddenly, klaus feels nothing but love and gratitude for them, because hey whaddya know, his family actually cares about his fucked-up ass.

“y’know, i really wish ben were here,” vanya mutters after a bit in a shaky voice.

and diego pats her hair softly because it’s yet another thing they share aside from the shittiest luck when it comes to love: to have their brother back after seventeen years of mourning him, and lose him within the next hour without a proper goodbye.

“don’t worry, vanny,” klaus says, squeezing her tight. “i’m sure he’s up there puking his guts out at how lovey-dovey we’re being right now.”

and just like that the spell is broken. his siblings suddenly find better things to do, like cleaning up the spilled popcorn and giving vanya’s fingers another coat of shiny varnish, but klaus just gives them all the widest shit-eating grin he can muster, because ben–curse the bastard–is right again:

it’s all gravy.