Do Something!

Am I wet? Am I on my period? Did I pee my pants?- next on wtf is going on down there.

this one time I ran a red light on mistake and I didn’t notice it was red until it was too late so I just ran the light screeching like an angry pterodactyl the entire time

a cop was at the intersection so he pulled me over and when he came up to my window he was wheezing cause he was laughing so hard and he said

“ok so i know you ran a red light and that’s really bad and you should never do it again but i’m not gonna give you a ticket cause that was the funniest thing i’ve ever seen and my partner can’t get out of the car cause he’s laughing so hard he’s about to pee himself”

i forgot that i’d had my window open when i ran the red light and the cop told me that all he heard from my car was this really high-pitched “screeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”

and that’s how i got out of getting a ticket for running a red light

adult cheat sheet #2!!

this is the ~sequel~ to this post, this is just basically a list of things to help with “growing up” or whatever the hell

what to do if your pet gets lost

removing stains from your carpet

how to know if you’re eligible for food stamps

throwing a dinner party

i’m pregnant, now what?

first aid tools to keep in your house

how to keep a clean kitchen

learning how to become independent from your parents

job interview tips

opening your first bank account

what to do if you lose your wallet

tips for cheap furniture

easy ways to cut your spending

selecting the right tires for your car

taking out your first loan

picking out the right credit card

how to get out of parking tickets

how to fix a leaky faucet

get all of your news in one place

getting rid of mice & rats in your house

when to go to the e.r.

buying your first home

how to buy your first stocks

guide to brewing coffee

first apartment essentials checklist

coping with a job you hate

30 books to read before you’re 30

what’s the deal with retirement?

difference between insurances

my current favorite bi representation on television is 1) avenue 5 making hugh laurie recently tri-vorced from his husband and wife for being a cringe alcoholic bummer who can't do anything right except get passively flirted with by the guy who played anderson in sherlock 2) whatever the fuck is going on with lestat

This is the Lucky Ace. Reblog to recieve a wad of cash that is oddly specific to your current needs.

Car sex just got a helluva lot easier.

One of the most important things I have learned today..

Omg this is bad but I laugh so hard when ever. I see this

I’d be the dysfunctional Goddess.

Add me on Snapchat @beefezoid​