Retired NikPrice Owning A Shop Of Sorts. I Don’t Know What Shop, But I’m Thinking It’ll Be One

Okay ignore the tag where I said “Google is my only friend”, because it’s fucking not. It’s a selfish, backstabbing bitch liar who gives wrong answers to desperate kids who are just trying to make an easy hundred on some fuck ass math assignment.

Since it snowed Tuesday night, my school’s plans to make us go back today were foiled. Unluckily for us, they decided to give us online instruction, as well as a two hour delay tomorrow.

Now I’m sitting here trying to remember how to do a quadratic function and hoping my absence to my first period class won’t be counted.

Somewhere out there, in the infinities that exist, there probably exists a version of John Price who hates himself for liking men. More than he ever does in this one. (Religious trauma btw)

He hates himself for loving Nik, for letting down his defenses in front of him. He watches the man slip through his office door, and the gap in his heart widen when the russian slips off his jacket.

He shouldn't be doing this. This is a sin against god. He could hear his father's boots getting closer somewhere in the background. The belt clinking echoes in his mind. He looks at the beau in front of him, all warm and inviting, yet disgust could only bloom in place of whatever romantic feelings he would have felt for him.

It felt wrong to enjoy the man's attention, to crave him so deep in his heart, he's afraid he can't tear it out and stop it. It feels like a crime against god, against his father, a man he could never compete with to let the man disarm him so easily. Dirt and sweat might not stick to his skin, but no amount of scrubbing under hot water could remove the disgust he feels for himself for even wanting Nik.

He doesn't look up at the pilot as he sits opposite him, talking about something irrelevant. John feels fucking dirty for even wanting Nik's eyes on him. What was he? A proper slut waiting to be appraised? He wants to set himself on fire, to remove his skin entirely, to be laid out under the sun, tortured, only if it means stopping the feelings he has for Nik. He wants to pray for forgiveness for a god that has long since abandoned him, and every second of smelling Nik's cologne so close to him only serves as a reminder that he was disgusting.

"Get out. For Christ sakes, get out"

He doesn't look up, his hands never stop as he writes and writes. A confession to some higher being, to cleanse him of all sin. A recycled prayer he heard from conversion camp years ago cycles through his head, the guilt all consuming in his heart. He deserves to rot in hell for his delusions, that Nik would ever like him back, that he would accept John for what he is. He ignores the confused russian muttering opposite him, focusing his attention on an uncaring god for cursing him with these feelings.

He doesn't look up as he hears the door close with a soft click after Nikolai.

Hours later, John sits alone in his office, halfway through a frantic prayer. A plea for help, a guidance to change his ways. The cross sits heavily across his chest, a reminder of his illogical feelings towards Nik. He thinks about what he's done, how it had all led up to this moment, his breaking. John doesn't move from his spot from the window, tears quietly streaming down his face as he mumbles out another prayer. His throat is sore and his knees are aching, yet the internalized disgust doesn't go away, nor does his feelings for Nik.

He avoids Nik the next month in a futile attempt to curb the feelings before they get out of hand. It doesn't work, and the longing for his the pilot's (when did he start to refer to Nik as his? Christ he must be cursed) attention only grows stronger each day he denies himself of Nik. His attention feels like a need now, an ever growing sense of guilt and shame blanketing over his need for Nik. The need only grows stronger when he sees Nik chatting up some guy years younger than him, unfamiliar jealousy grows in him as Nik ushers the man into his car, disappearing from view.

He would rather carve out his heart and serve it to god himself before ever admitting to wanting Nikolai in his life, in his bed though.

He most definitely did, if not more piercings God knows where.

okay so barry sloane had an eyebrow piercing in the early 2000s… do we think canonically young captain price had one too 👀

I like to think that when Price gets mad, he gets petty.

Oh, Gaz wants to switch his sugar out for salt? Seasonings of any kind are banned for a month.

Soap locked him out while it was raining? He’ll stand at attention outside during a thunderstorm until Price gets tired of looking at him.

Ghost hid a pack of his favorite cigars? He’ll hide his toothpaste, toothbrush, hygiene products, basically everything, and make him hunt for it.

But when Nik upsets him to the point where he doesn’t even want to talk it out, he’ll ban him to the couch until he gets sick at the lack of physical touch and huddles beside his husband on the small space.

(More on the teenage Price thing because I suddenly have a whirlwind of ideas)

Back in the fake universe where John’s family wasn’t either dead or shitty, I feel like a teenage John Price had the most hardcore Emo phase ever. I’m talkin’ spiked jewelry, I’m talkin black on black on black, I’m talkin messy hairdos with the most coolest dyeing you’ve ever seen, and I’m talkin the most dirtiest rebellion phase ever.

His parents are heavily Catholic but try to be understanding about their children’s different perspectives and lifestyles and what not, but the day John came down for breakfast dressed in full Grunge attire, the table erupted in chaos.

“What’s on your face? Are those piercings Johnathan??”

“Why the spiky jewelry? A-And the skull on your shirt, is that satanic?”

“Who influenced you to do this lad? Tell me so I can drown them in holy water!”

John’s two older sisters(who found this to be hilarious), filmed the entire thing on a handheld camera, which now lives within Nik and Price’s shared apartment in a little box in their closet.

One night when the boys are over at Price’s place, they ask to see what their captain looked like young, and before he could object, Nik was already grabbing the box of memories and hooking the handheld camera up to the T.V.

Whoever created words and English can fuck themselves, because what the fuck do you mean there’s a G in lasagna and it just stays silent?

As a matter of fact, who thought it was a good idea to add silent letters to English??

Long story short, English is dumb, and I’m an essay behind.

This is just.. *chef’s kiss*🤌🏾🤌🏾

messing around with simon's face again...

I’ll say this and then leave it, but Kendrick Lamar’s performance was truly one for the books. People who didn’t and still don’t understand it are the ones who are blind to what’s going on right now, and will be the ones saying “Woe is me” when shit really hits the fan in the coming future(even though it already has).

Wake up America. It’s only gonna be so long before the land of the free burns.

Y’all know those days where you just sit back and start to reminisce on the shit you let people do to you in the past and just think.. how the fuck did I let them get away with that?

Like.. no fades were caught? Nobody ran up?? No nothing???

…

Ts haunts me in my dreams bro😓

John and Nik try not to make promises to each other that they know they can’t keep, especially if it’s against unfair circumstances or the situation is completely out of their hands, yet for some reason they always promise each other that they’d come back to one another alive. Maybe not in the best condition, but breathing nonetheless.

That was a mistake however, Nik realizes, because now as he’s standing in front of a headstone with the name of a certain Captain with blue eyes that’ll never shine again, he comes to the realization that nothing in this cruel, unfair world was ever guaranteed.

His ability to walk.

His ability to have control over his bird.

His ability to wake up every morning beside his lover.

His ability to get the Captain and his team to safety.

His ability to be able to hold his lover, to keep him warm.

His ability to hold him even when he was already going cold.

None of it was guaranteed, and now Nik has to live with that burning reminder.