The Closest I’ve Ever Been To A Crime Scene Is The Stairwell Where I Had My Body Ripped In Two

hey lovely i hope you’re doing okay!!!! i see you and your words and i want you to know you’re worth the world

hi, that means the absolute world to me angel. I’m struggling with my physical and mental health right now and it’s making me feel useless because I can’t function. hopefully it passes soon though, it always does :)

thank you for checking in honey

he makes me laugh, head thrown back and eyes alive with happiness. he asks me to come closer when we sleep together, squeezes my hips and grins. he tells me I look beautiful in a black dress and heels with my hair messy and tangled but says he knows I’d look beautiful in anything anyway. he kisses my neck and my thighs and my hands and says “baby, you’re the most lovely thing my body has ever loved”. touches me in a way that makes me think, god even the sun hasn’t spilled her light on me like this.

I can’t tell you what it feels like, to have a boy blush when I kiss him, no memorised pick up lines, sauve attitude or cocky mannerisms. he’s so honest, so raw and passionate. so in love. so in love with me.

I used to think love was this anxiety-inducing dance for two, where everything had to be absolutely perfect. where things are painful and frustrating. where I have to chase and beg and call and entertain and cry and lose. always lose. but he’s right here now, sleeping on my shoulder. soft and sweet, with his arms around me.

and I think he’s going to stay.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B2QGigMgA9j/?igshid=mq9ym29p2mhg

I so want to be in bed with you right now, watching the office, wishing pam and jim together. main characters in our own love story, finding magic in even the most normal of places. my head on your shoulder and your hand on my thigh. sighing because god, isn’t this just the stuff of fairytales. aren’t afternoons spent in bed with your lover just inherently magical.

we kiss and we laugh and we get toast crumbs all over the pillowcase. everything I’ve ever wanted is here. everything I’ve ever wanted is you.

plant a seed, drop a secret in the soil, name her after someone you love.

for someone that feels empty a lot of the time, I’m sure able to give and give and give. it’s my nastiest and most damaging habit. maybe that’s why I have such a fascination with sandcastles and other temporary things, the way I commit all my time to a couple of fleeting moments. strange that I can always feel the storm before it hits, the way the air sticks to my body like ghosts. don’t I lose love like eyelashes. don’t I hold love like a hoarder. this little light lady is all smoke and no flame.

“Nemesis inhabited a dark paradise of her own making. She never held back. I loved her for her frightful hatred, her frightful love. I admired her stunning passion for revenge; the mercilessness in her eyes.”

— Lola Ridge, from To the Many; Collected Poems of Lola Ridge; “Hellish,”

a love letter as a hug, as your head in my lap, as the romance of room 56, with the lights turned off. there have been so many nights i wished i was crawling into bed beside you, so many late night library sessions where i wished you were across me, eyes glued to your laptop, days where i wished i was reaching across the mattress to rest against your tenderness, the sweet softness of you.

baby I can’t bear the thought of letting you down. you’re the one I dress up for, the one I cry in secret for. i don’t call you when the world is crumbling because I want you to believe that I’m successful and beautiful and strong. whenever I love someone new, I hide every breakdown like a secret shame. I know if you found out how frightened I actually am, you’ll leave. they always do. believe me, lover. I know how this story goes.