♔ ♠ ☏ ☠ ✘ (( 👀i'm Late To The Party But I Couldn't Resist ))

letters to: unknown address

TW subtle depressive thoughts

dear jihye,

why did you leave? we were supposed to stick together.

                                                                                                    jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

you may ask me why am i writing this letter? because you never answer your fucking phone. next time you drop off the face of the earth, send a forwarding address and maybe a working phone number so we’re not all worrying our asses off thinking you’re dead in a ditch somewhere. jesus, jihye.

                                                                                                       jina

                                                  ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

writing letters in the 21st century? what are we starved romanticists? please pick up your phone and text me back.

                                                                                      sincerely, jina

                                                  ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

it actually pains me to pick up a pen and write this. we are living and breathing in a world with the most efficient technological advances and you’re seriously making me break out archaic methods in order to talk to you. 

i hate this, you better answer. 

miss you.

                                                                                     sincerely, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

it’s been 210 days since i’ve last seen or heard from you. yes, i’m keeping count. i miss you, dearly, and this house is a mess, as always. but i feel like it’d be less of a mess if you were here. or maybe even messier, who knows, really. 

junsu is still the same dickhead, jimin 언니 is awol as always, jieun 언니 is off being mom’s little trophy daughter and jungmi 언니 is making headlines with her new column in playwitch, who knew writing for perverts could be so lucrative? i’m kidding, at least it was better than her sex toy advice. if you get playwitch where you are, make sure you pick up this month’s copy! i’m lowkey tempted to post it onto my story. 

have you seen my stories lately? 

                                                                 love always, your sister, jina

                                                   ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

how are you? where are you now? is it los angeles or new york? or even paris? the post cards you send to junsu always look so much more inviting than the ones you send me. i don’t burn them, you know. i want to but .... just knowing you’re safe somewhere kind of comforts me. 

please send me more, please let me know you’re safe.

                                                               love always, your sister, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

update: i slapped jieun 언니 at the party today. i don’t regret it but everyone is telling me i should apologize because i was the one in the wrong. but 언니, if you heard what she was saying .... i swear you’d go crazy too ... they’re all a bunch of ignorant greedmongers that it’s just nauseating to listen to and i snapped, okay? ugh, i don’t want to apologize but ...

i fucked up didn’t i?

                                                                       tell me what to do, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

it’s getting cold here in seoul. i wish i was somewhere tropical like boracay or bali. tell me where you are so we can go together ❤︎

                                                               love always, your sister, jina

                                                ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

i need advice: what’s it feel like to fall in love?

                                                               love always, your sister, jina

                                                ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

i just wanted to let you know i won the running for the fourth year class representative. it was a landslide, can you believe it?

are you proud of me?

                                                               love always, your sister, jina

                                               ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

update: love sucks. it sucks, it sucks, it sucks. 

                                                              love always, your sister, jina

                                               ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

언니, something happened. please contact me asap.

                                                                                    it’s urgent, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

the new season of produce started and why is it always the untalented ones that are the cutest? is it something about not being able to sing a tune that just becomes my siren song? is that dramatic or gross? 

maybe it’s because i know i’d carry the weight in the relationship either way, hm.

                                                                love always, your sister, jina

                                                  ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

i wish you took me with you, i’m slowly seeing the colors of my life fade to black and i don’t know who to tell. i feel like you’d understand, but you’re not here.

you’re never here.

write back, please.

                                                               love always, your sister, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

you know how gretchen weiners said why didn’t everyone just stab caesar? well that’s my Mood today or everyday. missing you again today, have you gotten my last letter, by the way?

                                                                love always, your sister, jina

                                                 ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

i’m not fine, and it’s starting to get harder to pretend i am. i feel so much uncontrollable anger swell up within me and i can’t stop it when i let it out. i can see the people around me grow to hate me more and more and i can’t do anything to stop that. maybe i’m careless, too nonchalant, maybe i can do something but what would be the use?

they’re so used to me being this way, maybe it’s better off that i’m hated.

what do you think, 언니?

                                                                                       sincerely, jina

                                                ・    ・    ・

dear jihye,

it’s been a year, when are you coming back?

                                                                                 let me know, jina

BUDDING PARALLELS

similar but not quite the same, virtually so; but frankly, not enough. see also: jina and @mmyuanlan before the peace treaty, the glo-up, and insert the manic one on one competition between the two smartest girls in their cohort. CIRCA 2017

𝐀𝐓 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍, you want to be better than the rest. 

you read books until they’re practically imprinted in your mind. you close your eyes and your mind still runs a mile a minute, keep up, keep up -- they taunt you. you’re to be the best, not ahead of the curve, you are the curve. self-awareness is second to self-egos; pampered and bruised. tossed to wolves and torn apart all for the sake of an outstanding academic reputation. the next day, it will begin again.

it’s a repetitive cycle, the slate is never clean, it’s darkened with blood and sweat and tears jina never cries because her eyes are bloodshot and her smile is strained. but she raises her hand high, shoulder brush, maybe a little too passive-aggressively against another’s. she doesn’t spare the slightest glance backwards as her name is spoken like a spell, like it’s obvious that she would be the first to come up with the answer. 

like it’s expected, because she was kwak jina. 

this was her reputation. untainted by her mother’s crimes, unhindered by the legacies her sisters unravel: no -- kwak jina is unlike her sisters before her. she is not serious, she is not fun personified; she’s not a breath of fresh air nor does she excel at escapism. 

she’s haughty, possessive, temperamental and withers at the lack of attention. above all, she is an egoist. she wants to be the best, second in line had never been her frame of work nor would she bow down to someone like -- she blinks, smile ripe against bright teeth -- someone like yuanlan. the name rolls off her tongue as she stares at the list of students, written off by examination scores and paired like cattle for their latest DADA practicum. unlike last time, perhaps the advantage had been lost.

because right next to yuanlan’s was her own -- she bites back a groan, heavily feeling her eyes roll to the back of her head as she turns to stare the other down, arms crossed before she makes up her mind and makes the first move. “it appears,” she breathes through her nose, trying to calm the flares of annoyance already prickling at the back of her neck. “the professor thought it was wise to pair us up for today’s practicum.” her tone is flat, a declaration of if you fuck this up -- i’ll fuck you up whispered between unwritten lines. 

u know that scene in jennifer's body where megan fox puts foundation all over her face in a desperate attempt to look like even a semblance of her old self whose picture she has hanging next to her mirror so she's reminded of the appearance she's lost and she gets a little unhinged during the process and just starts smearing it everywhere? womanhood

send a symbol - get the following from my muse ;

LMFAO like an idiot ,, i made a mistake ... jina is already 19 and she should be turning 20 this year bc ... Guess who forgot the rp is in 2020 ,,,, but anyways i’ve gotten to all my msgs and i’ll be sending out messages to those who’ve liked this post !! 

hi guys !! i’m ume (21+, pst!) and this is another one of kwak jidam’s unfortunate children !!! ( i’m kidding but rly not their whole family is a lit revolt and we LOVE it ) aka kwak jina, she’s the second to last child and she’s turning 19 in lit 3 days so we going for Legal Turn ups in a quick sec! there’s more info under the cut as well as plots but pls like and i’ll definitely jump into your dms for some quick one on one 🤪🤪🤪

Keep reading

COLLISION

the act of two oppositions striking violently against another. see also: jina and @mmjihye, mid-afternoon, cheong ryeong common room; wits end.

𝐊𝐖𝐀𝐊 𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐀 𝐖𝐀𝐒𝐍’𝐓 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆:

a normal day, sure. that’s to be expected. 

she figures from the start, that the day will go on as normal, or as close to it as possible. because what was ‘normal’, these days, wasn’t really normal (not when each day is faced with treacherous expectations set by the infamy that came with being one of the numerous spawn of the kwak jidam) by definition. so, the day spins out from dawn, slowly. it goes and goes and she pays no attention to the warning signs in plain sight, of the whispers that linger and hinder, she blocks them all out. for jina wasn’t one to read too into things, anyways. 

she sees the hours come to a close, and the way the afternoon bleeds into her day. 

and soon, the lunch hour ends uneventfully. the minutes tick on by; slow, casual steps are made as she strolls from where she and hana had taken their afternoon meal, where they part ways and back. a premeditated task lurking in the back of her mind, busy as always, pre-occupied all the same as she takes the route back towards the cheong ryeong common rooms. it’s a short walk, with faint remembrance of where she had left her books at the forefront of her mind, expecting the stack of literature to be right where she had left it.

again, jina wasn’t sure what she was expecting:

her books piled high atop one of the dozen side tables loitered about, yes. 

but surely, not this.

not kwak jihye --kwak fucking jihye-- kwak, her fucking sister, leave-without-a-fucking-heads-up jihye and her god-forsaken face lounging about like it was the most natural thing to be. acting as if her ass hadn’t just gone awol for the last year, gone without a trace, pulling one of the most horrendous and disappointing houdini-disappearing acts known to mankind. 

no, jina hadn’t expected this at all.

which was why, she blinks twice for good measure. three times to make sure and a fourth to keep the gigantic vein from bulging out of her temple. fingers gingerly prying said books from where she had left them, collecting them carefully and finely into her arms; taking careful, determined steps further into the room. fingers brace the spines of the books before she stops short of where her sister lay.

and without notice, she drops them, quite aggressively into the mahogany table by their feet. teeth tightening over her smile as she stares at her sister, head-on, words barely spit through grinding molars. “what the fuck are you doing here?” no i miss yous, no familiarity-filled, unnie!, no nothing --except pure, raw hostility and perhaps, a dash of well-warranted anger. 

⁺  EYES ON ME LIKE I’M A 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐙𝐄, BUT YOU BETTER    RECOGNIZE, I’M NOT YOUR 𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐋     ⧆

𝐒𝐇𝐄’𝐒 𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐕𝐘 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐒. seoul nights grow hotter despite the chill of the running air conditioner and jina awakes with a fever start. it’s a gasp, a startle, star-dusted eyes and a mumbled curse that detaches her from the realm of sleep. her dreams fizzle to an end and her memory grows hazy. what had just happened never comes to and she finds herself disoriented as the darkness of the room fills her vision. seoul skylines do nothing to faze her, lights strung behind closed windows as jina looks around her room like she’s on display. feigned surprise at the stillness, the emptiness that decorated walls and pale pinks hold stare back at her and jina feels it deepen her reality. distracted eyes glance at looming red and the time fucks with her because she has an eight o’clock divination lecture tomorrow that she’s not looking forward to, at all, and she’s headed straight for raccoon eyes the size of mars. she’s parched, not looking forward to tomorrow and there’s a dull ache somewhere in her body that she wishes not to place. a sigh falls and she’s staring at the ceiling. 

it’s bothersome, the itch in her throat grows; the ache in her body dulls and she mulls over her options before swinging dainty feet off her bed; silk following suit as she replaces sheets with the fluff of her dolce slippers. they take her away, of a hallway of closed doors and dim lights. of silence and buzzing static at a different side of the home. her destination: kitchen -- where the stars actually take her: jungmi. the other’s words are warmth personified, made to wrap her in the lushest fabrics, of a love she longs for but never fully attains. but it’s enough -- it has to be because wanting for nothing never amounts for any good: jina would know. she knows this too well. she doesn’t say much, and jina never needs to -- not with jungmi. because jungmi has good sense, she has jina’s best intentions at heart -- for jina, jungmi is her salvation and without her, she is lost. for jina, she can let all the walls and tiresome dilemmas crash to her feet and the burden of teenage adolescent angst surface. what she toils, she effortlessly drops for jungmi to pick up the pieces because for jina, jungmi was always there to fix her when everything was lost. 

when there was no one left to put her back together again. 

so she hugs her tight, when knees sink into scattered papers and her footsteps leave blind prints; falling into an embrace as she digs her head into the other’s neck and feels the tears turn in her eyes. “jihye’s back,” she whispers against flawless skin, like an omen breathed to life. she feels the words take her back to stricken voices, a slap against skin and heated tears on her cheeks; she feels them and bites back a sharp breath.

to a glance it’s utter chaos, the sprawl of books and technology, from folders, to notebooks, her recorder and work laptop. but there’s a precise measure to this chaos ( she had began at her desk across the room and slowly but surely, ran out of room ) then again, if you’re a kwak currently living within the posh kwak condo jidam shelled out for, the sight of jungmi dispersed across any surface of the apartment she feels like ( often being a broad portion of ground in any given room ) isn’t abnormal. surrounded by her proliferation of work materials, with her reading glasses that seem to come with an extra feature, as she had never put them on before without her face immediately scrunching into a serious frown. as if they were equipped with a spell to turn jungmi’s expression sour with focus. a pencil on hand for scribbling ( not a pen; she had learned that lesson, when her idly habit of chewing on the ends while thinking too hard, had burst one before ) and a tape recorder shoved into the small pocket in the front breast pocket of her t-shirt. there’s a manic kind of calm about her, a humming bird at rest, bursts of movement in between the serenity and soft hum of concentration. 

whatever sound it is that originates from the door, she doesn’t even glance up. from her near yoga-like post, bent over at the waist as she scribbles down a messy scribble of heterogeneous thoughts, something to refine later, before it can escape her tired mind. “hmm?” she hums by way of a greeting, more of a question of why someone has come for her in the first place after she had shrieked across the house like a warning bell that she was going to start working hours earlier. she doesn’t even know which sibling it is, her gaze pinpointed intently at the hangul she scratches across the page in a mess, “unnie is working on something, sorry, gimme a sec,” she explains lightly as she finishes up her sentences and stretches, unwinds her spine out, throwing the pencil as she turns towards the door with an expectant ( admittedly soft, but drained and tight ) expression, “did you come to bug me?” she teases, twice as hard when it’s @mmjina she spots and everything sisterly and warm from within her sparks like a low light ( it had only gotten stronger since the disappearance and reappearance of jihye, her appreciation for jina doubling, and then strangely, tripling ) (( at least jina wouldn’t leave her )) her eyes crinkling at the corners with a smile ( no teeth because she’s just a little too exhausted, not just the time of night but the subject matter of her assignment exacting its due ) and she manages a scrunch of her nose. 

all the texts pls dear 🦋

TW subtle depressive thoughts / escapism

 ●   a morning text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:12  ›   you better be awake by 5

                                             ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  07:45  ›   did i say 5? i meant 8 🤭🤷‍♀️

 ●   a angry text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:23  ›   what the fuck kai⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:25  ›   DON’T FUCKING TALK TO ME⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:26  ›   you better be ready to have my fist meet your FUCKING FACE

 ●   a drunk text     ━━━   ・  

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:01  ›   kai … kai …. 야 …….⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:01  ›   i lovu ⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:04  ›   iM kidnafing⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:05  ›   i HATE yunr GUTS

 ●   a vague text    

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:59  ›   i just want to be left alone

 ●   a worried text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  20:00  ›   i don’t know who else to turn to⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  20:07  ›   if you’re gone i don’t have anyone else⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  20:10  ›   kai ………… please let me know you’re okay⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  20:10  ›   please tell me what i did wrong

 ●   a text not meant for you     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:03  ›   do you ever want to disappear?

 ●   a sassy text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  06:30  ›   morons like you are truly a one of a kind 🙄

 ●   a long-winded confession text    ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  24:10  ›   thanks for being a constant presence in my life

                                            ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  00:02  ›   thanks for tonight, kaikai

                                           ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  03:09  ›   i can’t sleep⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  03:10  ›   i can’t stop thinking, kaikai

                                          ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  06:30  ›   forget what i said last night, i’m fine now

                                         ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:11  ›   i know i don’t say it often, kaikai but i’m really thankful you’re still here and haven’t left⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:11  ›   so many people leave⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:13  ›   and i know why they do⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:14  ›   and i can’t blame them even i want to⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:18  ›   if i were them, i’d leave me too⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:20  ›   i’m just so tired⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:21  ›   sometimes i feel like it’s not worth it⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:21  ›   i pretend like i’m worth it⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:21  ›   but it’s just pretending, right?⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:21  ›   because i’m not worth it, ykno⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:25  ›   sometimes i’m ready to just go away and not come back like jihye⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:26  ›   because then maybe everyone will be at peace⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  23:30  ›   i wish jihye took me with her

                                        ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  01:00  ›   would you tell me not to leave?

                                       ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  05:45  ›   please delete those texts, kai, they’re embarrassing

 ●   a misguided advice text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:49  ›   if you’re into her, why don’t you keep your dick slack for once and tell her with words

 ●   a  desperate text     ━━━   ・

⁺  📞  ›  ( 16 ) OUTGOING CALL   ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›   VOICEMAIL.

                                      ・    ・    ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  13:02  ›   S.O.S.

 ●   a congratulatory text     ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:18  ›   must be nice having one brain cell⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  14:19  ›   omg you have two? Amazing

 ●   a  text that should have never been sent ━━━   ・

⁺  💬  ›  琳凯HEADASS💢.  ›  01:01  ›   are you going to leave me like jiyi did?