Leaned Forward. Heartbeat Thump. Thump. Thump. Action. Controller In Hand. Rocket League. Maybe This
Leaned forward. Heartbeat thump. thump. thump. Action. Controller in hand. Rocket League. Maybe this clipped style isn’t as cool as I think it is. Maybe it just sounds weird or contrived or not real.
I’m watching the game all so closely. Supposedly there are levels to meditation. Maybe I’m experiencing what a monk feels when he is about to really go somewhere. Chill. Chill. Focus.
I ask myself what I need to do? What is my job in this situation? Clear the ball. Challenge. Aim there. I see the shots lining up for me before they even line up. Never saw any of that before. Couldn’t slow down enough to actually see it.
I become aware of the pop punk blaring in my headphones as I play. Off With Their Heads. The song is Clear the Air. For the first time, I actually hear the lyrics.
I never feel happy, I never feel safe I can't let myself ever stay in one place I look in the mirror and I see the face Of a failure who will never be significant The face that you see from the morning to night Is the mask that I put on to hide what's inside I don't take it off until you fall asleep I don't want you to see what lives inside of me
That reads like angsty teenage journal shit but man, I can sorta believe a real person would write that. Sorta. I thought about the way I would deliver those lyrics. How I would read them, sing them, really sell them. Make you believe them.
This is me just slowing down and noticing things. We’re most alive when we notice things. Did you ever notice that?
More Posts from Mistahsojourner and Others
I don’t like hearing Trump.
I don’t like looking at the fat orange fucker either.
I get lost in the night's machinery
with nothing to see but what there is to see
synthetic angel glow and Internet Protocol that never sleeps
keeps me company
and that troubles me
Don’t Wish it Was Sunday
Tomorrow is just another manic Monday. I don’t like Sundays. That’s not new. I suppose it’s not so bad. Things have been a lot worse. I could use some paid vacation though. I could use some time to chill, just be and kinda get my head right.
I tracked down the number of an old therapist. I’m thinking about giving him a call this week. I figure it can’t hurt. I’ve got some things I need to figure out. There’s only so much that I can figure out on my own. Not to sound all emo and self-absorbed here but this exercise here has me all up in my feelings and it occurs to me that I should probably be talking to someone. If you’ve been regularly watching this space or if you know me at all, you’re probably inclined to agree.
It occurred to me last night how taxing it is for my mental health to reside in Trump’s America. Shit is fucked up and I honestly feel like we are all being gas lit when people pretend that it isn’t incredibly fucked up. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about the fact I can choose to ignore this horror show if I so choose. Others do not have that luxury but god damn it, I’m not doing anyone any favors by making myself miserable.
You’ll notice that I played around with my poetic meditation on the word ‘fuck.’ Not sure how I feel about it. Might play with it more.
Red Pills
Every red pill I ever swallowed
was barely a placebo
dime store salvation
dolled up like nirvana
to get me through the day
to get me through the day
to get me through the day
and some days I came out something like alive
and thought I’m free of the dread
in this dream
none of us chose
but nah
and I’m never getting a refund
for any of those pills
the twisted man
from the internet sold me
so I’ve got a live with it
Improvised trek
into the coldest
and maddest parts
of you and me
and I hope you’ll come with me
into the setting sun
A Moment on a Tough Day
You join hands with your sister.
You pray over a sick dog.
I'm sitting at work and reading Noam Chomsky.
This is the most Chomsky I've ever read.
It's possible I am going to become an insufferable asshole for awhile. Strike that. I'm not becoming an asshole. What I'm doing is becoming more aware. I've been reading a lot more recently and I'm gaining insight into the way the world actually functions. It's cliche as all fuck to say but in all my schooling, I never really learned much of anything. They don't teach you about the illusion.
I'm convinced that one of the trippiest things ever is living in the U.S. and believing everything we tell ourselves about how great we are. THAT is a hell of a trip to be on. That is a trip that I was sort of on in my younger days. It's hard to judge now how sincerely or deeply I believed it. See, I think I always had my doubts. Doubt is good. Doubt is a sign that you're still sane. Shit, I even doubt where I am now. I could be totally wrong. Maybe I just picked up a new illusion.
I'm becoming quite convinced that one of the most vital aspects of the human project is disentangle oneself from illusions. These include the illusions of society and the illusions a person has about themselves.
Tucker “Heil Trump” Carlson
I woke up irritable and thinking of Tucker Carlson’s stupid fucking face. It’s the weekend. It’s god damn lamentable that my thoughts are dominated by that soulless motherfucker.
I struggle. I chase my nickels and my dimes. Dolly Parton sang that workin’ 9 to 5 was a hell of a way to make a living. It is. You do what need to and then in the background, you got Tucker Carlson corrupting the minds of your parents and your grandparents with hatred for The Other, immigrants from Mexico and elsewhere in Latin America.
I loath Tucker Carlson. I would not mind him undergoing some kind of Damascene conversion. That would possibly be a beautiful thing but real life isn’t a movie. Real life is messier and sadder and dumber. I doubt he has it in him. Barring some kind of Damscene moment where he comes to see the strangers in our land as not strangers but brothers and sisters, I would love to see Tucker Carlson and others like him hit with urine filled balloons everywhere that they go.
The Tuck is on my mind because I saw a clip of him last night where he basically called undocumented immigrants trash. It’s not surprising. The man does possesses a seriously kinked social conscience but it’s chilling. It’s clear to me that what we’re seeing is an insidious campaign of de-humanization aimed at undocumented immigrants.
I’ve said it before but it’s hard for me to shake. We all live our lives. We deal with all the insignificant bullshit that comes with that but in the background, the way is being paved for horrifying crimes against humanity. We shouldn’t kid ourselves. The crimes are already in progress.
I’m no expert on the infamous Rwandan genocide but I’m reminded of the fact that Rwandan media executives were convicted of inciting genocide. See, the poison that was being put out over the airwaves primed the population to grab machetes and go out killing.
Do I think that we might see vigilante mobs going out to kill Latinos? We’re about one Fox & Friends segment away from something like The Purge. Okay. Yeah. Maybe I’m completely wrong about that but you can’t just write people like Carlson off as harmless clowns. We do that at our peril.
At 11 AM, the pledge will be recited
Call the number on your screen to report
anybody who ain’t sufficiently excited
about being free to do what the fuck we tell you
while the red, white and the blue
fly above
and burst your hearts with love
God, guts and glory
goes the story
of a nation that kicked ass and looked good doin’ it
Light from the Lord God spread to the world
by us
Evil and darkness flee
Get your WWIII commemorative pin today
to trigger the snowflakes and the pussies
on your way to church
to hear the padre preach about how Jesus woulda dimed his neighbors out to ICE
cuz it’s the law
If there was anything that Jesus was about, it was the law.
Bless the nightsticks and the guns
Bless the kevlar and the riot shields
Bless the blood in the streets and bless that liquor to forget all that shit
or to get nutted up to lie under oath about it
or to just live here
in the land of the free, the home of the brave
one nation
that got the goods on all of us
I sit down and think that I want to write a bit. I turn on some music and notice that I’m not getting any sound. God damn it. What the fuck is going on? Check volume in Windows. Check that the right playback device is selected. Test playback device. Nothing. God damn it! I then realize that the TV my computer is plugged into has the sound turned all the way down.
I’m angry today.
Fuck CEOs. Fuck you if you are a CEO.
Fuck the carceral state.
Fuck The Supreme Court.
Fuck Tucker Carlson.
Fuck white nationalism.
Fuck white supremacy.
Fuck capitalism.
Fuck Jeff Sessions.
Fuck the War on Drugs.
Fuck the lawyers who fix shit for rich motherfuckers who do bad shit.
Fuck Goldman Sachs.
Fuck Chase bank.
Fuck Capital One.
Fuck Netflix.
Fuck the Democratic Party.
Fuck the Republican Party.
Fuck fascism.
Fuck fascist superheroes.
Fuck the state of Israel.
Fuck SWAT teams.
Fuck the NFL.
Fuck the New England Patriots.
Fuck Tom Brady.
Fuck Robert Mueller.
Fuck James Comey.
Fuck the entire Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Fuck welfare reform.
Fuck Bill Clinton for welfare reform.
Fuck Bill O’Reilly.
Fuck Paul Ryan.
Aight. That went on long enough.
I wrote nothing on Monday or Tuesday and that frankly is unacceptable.
Are you still reading? I don’t really care if you are but it’s nice if you are. Thank you.
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mistahsojourner reblogged this · 6 years ago
