This Is Amazing Wtf

OMG THIS DESERVES EVERYTHING I LOVE THIS SM YES YES YES PEOPLE PLS POST MORE ABT THE EFFECT OF REGGIE’S TRAUMA NOT ONLY ON HIMSELF BUT OTHERS AS WELL I ❤️ ANGST SO MF MUCH

warnings: depression, anxiety, arguing, angst, mentions of suicide (regulus saying he'd rather kill himself than see james hurt), mentions of walburga and orion's A+ parenting, tell me if I missed anything.

wc: 1.3k+

notes: I've been craving smth angsty and sad so this is kinda hurt/comfort. the timer thing for reggie is something my brain does too and it's actually so annoying, im not sure if other people go through that but it sucks and I'm here for you:). also the main idea for this was actually from a tiktok here

Regulus can't help it. Their time is almost up. He can hear the alarm ringing in his head, telling him its time to go, it's time to leave. This time, its different. He doesn't want to.

2 years. Consistent. It's been rather healthy, there's no reason to leave, he loves him. The alarm gets louder day by day, his days grow worse and worse and he fears that James knows. James knows how he's feeling, he knows that their time together is up. But, against what Regulus' mind is telling him to do, he stays. He lays in bed. All day long.

James comes home at 17:26, like he always does. Regulus can hear as he places down his bag, and his water bottle. Regulus hears him throw away his trash from lunch and clean the dishes he used, and Regulus can even hear him put away his lunch bag. The sound Regulus dreads the most, though, is James trudging up the stairs, Regulus isn't ready to face the brightness of the sun, he wishes to stay under the comfort of the moon, not harsh, just enough light to get by.

Regulus turns away from the door, their comforter covering his whole body, including the back of his head. The door cracks open just enough for James to slip through.

"You awake, mi estrella?" Regulus wants to stay silent, to not move, to pretend he's asleep. Instead, he does what he knows he should do, and lets out a quiet hum of confirmation. James walks over to the bed, crouching in front of Regulus, finally coming into his line of sight.

James has always been beautiful, there's no denying it. His brown skin decorated with moles and freckles, his eyes big and doe-like, framed by square shaped golden glasses. Beautiful.

"Hi, baby," James smiles, flashing his white smile. Regulus attempts to smile back as James presses a soft kiss to his cheekbone. "Are you feeling sick?"

"No." Regulus answers, quietly.

"You hate to rot in bed, love, why are you still under the covers?"

"I don't know, Jamie, just not feeling too brilliant." James cocks an eyebrow, chuckling softly.

"You're not sick, though?" James unwraps one of Regulus' arms from the blanket, holding his hand.

"Nevermind, it's hard to explain." Regulus shakes his head.

"Okay, love," James kisses his forehead, and rakes his hair back. "Talk to me about it if you find the words. I love you." As James leaves the room once more Regulus simply hums.

The next day, Regulus still doesn't feel right. James was right, he doesn't like to rot away in bed, so he gets up. Instead he spends the time cleaning his house. He should be at work. Fifth day in a row he's called in sick. No new articles from R.A.B are posted in the prophet.

James gets home, normal time, and does his usual routine. Regulus thinks he might smile at how clean their home is, but instead he nearly scowls.

Regulus seats James at their table, he made sure he had dinner laid out so James could eat as soon as he got home.

"What's going on, Regulus?"

"What?" Regulus answers simply, sitting at their large dining table.

"What's going on?" James and Regulus have both finished their meals, the plates discarded in the middle on the table.

"Nothing. The house was dirty, it was bothering me."

"Not the house, Reg, you. You would never clean the house, you hate cleaning. What's wrong?" James' eyebrows knit together, and Regulus is ready to deny it.

"I'm not sure what you mean, James, I got a little stir crazy and the house needed to be cleaned."

"Regulus if you were stir crazy, you'd attend work." Regulus is taken aback by this. He visibly flinches back.

"You're the one that told me I should take time off, James." Regulus scowls.

"That's not what I meant, Reg, and you know that. I mean, yesterday you were in bed all day. You didn't move an inch. I thought maybe you'd take the time to visit friends or something!"

"I visit my friends all the time, I don't know what your on about." Regulus crosses his arms and leans back further into his chair.

"Really?" James scoffs, "When's the last time you and Pandora had a brunch date?" Regulus scrunches his nose and thinks. He doesn't remember. "Exactly."

"What do you want me to say James? It's like you don't even understand me anymore." But James is quick to clap back.

"I don't understand because you never talk to me about anything!" Regulus looks down at his fingers, picking at the skin around his nails, tracing over the veins. "Is this what you want, Regulus? Us fighting all the fucking time!?" James slams his hand on the table, and Regulus can't help but to flinch. He looks at the ground, and freezes. What is he to do?

James seems to notice almost instantly, just as Regulus' lip starts to wobble. "Oh, honey, please, I didn't mean too. I'm sorry, please, baby, I'm so sorry." James walks over to him and kneels on the ground, taking both of Regulus' hands into his own.

"I-." Regulus cuts himself off, trying to keep the tears in his eyes. He can't let James see him cry, not like that.

"C'mon, baby, I didn't mean it. I would never hurt you, I love you, you know that." But Regulus knows all too well that love can quickly be turned into violence.

"Sirius." Is all Regulus can even think at this moment.

"Sirius?"

"Get Sirius." Regulus can muster, his hands tightened into fists, his nails digging into his flesh. James nods, sadly almost, and stands up. He goes through the floo, and he doesn't return, only Sirius stands in his place.

"What's wrong, Reg?" Regulus can barely move his eyes to look up at his brother, "What happened."

That's when Regulus breaks down. He lets his face crumple up, tears stream down his pale face.

"He yelled at me," Regulus sobs into his hands, "and-" he sniffles softly, "and he hit the table." He shakes his head, he sounds so pathetic. "It just scared me, you know? Reminded me of when mama and father got into arguments."

"Oh, Reggie," Sirius holds one of Regulus' hands in his own, pouting slightly. "He's nothing like mum and dad, darling, he'd never hurt you."

"That's the worst part, Sirius, I flinched. I didn't see the look on his face but I'd rather kill myself than see it. He thinks that I think he'll hurt me." Regulus sobs quietly now.

"He's okay, sweetheart. He's with Moony, they're talking about it. What's wrong? Is that head of yours bothering you?"

"It's happening again, Sirius, the bell. It's going off. It's time for me to let him go." Sirius shakes his head.

"Oh, you stupid, stupid, brilliant boy." Regulus almost laughs, "Ignore the stupid bell, it means nothing. You're afraid that he's got better things to do, is that right?" Regulus nods, "Come on, Reg. He's a professional quidditch player, he has a loving boyfriend and an amazing family. What else could he ask for?" Regulus trys to think, but he comes up empty handed.

"I don't know."

"Exactly. His life is nothing short of perfect. He loves you."

"Can you go get him?" Regulus says once he's finally dry of tears.

"I'll be happy to." So, Sirius goes and James comes through the fireplace once more. He doesn't move he just stands there.

"What are you doing, James, come out?" James sighs and slightly relaxes his tense body.

"Remus told me I should give you space." James' face is slightly pink, probably from crying.

"That doesn't mean literally, stupid." Regulus let's out a sigh and opens his arms up. James slowly, cautiously, steps into them, tightening his arms around Regulus' waist. "You don't frighten me, James, please know that." James starts to quietly cry into the crook of Regulus' neck.

"I'm so sorry, mi estrella, I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you."

"I know, mon amour, I know, I love you too, Jamie."

james' reggie

Regulus Arcturus Black wasn't always Regulus. Just last term, he was Rosalia Orion Black. But he was always James' Reggie.

Tonight was just the same as all the other nights he's spent with James these past few months. He would excuse himself from dinner in The Great Hall to go meet his boyfriend who's just finished Quidditch practice.

Boyfriend.

He's never used that word before.

James was definitely Regulus' boyfriend, but he wasn't too sure that he was James'.

He's told everybody but James. He's tried showing him. James was the first person he showed his new haircut to. The first person he told about his new name was Sirius, but he told James not too long after that. But he never actually asked James if he's his boyfriend. Frankly he doesn't want to either.

"You'll have to tell him sooner or later!" Pandora had said earlier. She's the only person that knows about him and James.

"I choose later," Regulus said, "I'm sure he knows anyways."

He wasn't sure. But Dora doesn't have to know that, does she? James is James. Even if he knew, he wouldn't treat Regulus any differently anyways.

"Tell him... later tonight, then? I just don't want you getting hurt, Reg."

This, Regulus sure of. If there was one true friend in the world whom he can trust, it would be Pandora. He doesn't want to make her worry too much. "I'll try" Regulus had replied with a soft smile, hoping that that was enough. He hates lying to Dora, but James was waiting. And if anything was going to end that conversation, it was him agreeing with her.

Now Regulus was on top of the Astronomy Tower, using the telescope that was placed near the window to look at the constellations above the roof. It always reminded him of home, without too many painful memories.

He hadn't realized the footsteps that were slowly coming closer to him until he felt a peck on his forehead.

"Hey, beautiful," James grinned.

Merlin, this boy. Reg felt his knees go weak. This always seems to happen whenever James is around. He didn't say anything. He didn't even take his face off of the telescope. James would just know that he's listening.

James began talking about his day, while Regulus slowly stepped back from the telescope to look at his boyfriend's face. How his eyes are almost black with just a hint of brown when the sun hits it just right. How his summer freckles disappear during the winter. How his glasses are always crooked and his hair is always messy, no matter how much hair gel he puts on. How he's still sweating after Quidditch and still Regulus would kill to hug him, knowing that all he had to do was ask. After all, that's what boyfriends do right? They cuddle together, cry together, occasionally do it, and they love each other during it all, right?

Reg had thought of what Pandora said during dinner. Tonight. He hated the thought of interrupting this seemingly perfect night to say that. Still he knew that if he didn't tell him tonight, he'll never tell James. He had to do it now.

"You should've seen Sirius then. He was shaking in his boots knowing that the chocolate he ate was Moony's, he couldn't even-"

"Love, can I ask you a question?" Reg hasn't said a word before. He's interrupted James before, sure, but that was to laugh at one of his stupid jokes or kiss him to erase that stupid grin off his face, stupid.

"Yeah, sorry I've been talking too much, again, haven't I?" James had sunken in his seat, his hand reaching up to scratch the back of his hair.

"No, no! Not at all." Reg doesn't want James to think that. Honestly, he'd be glad if James just interrupted him and started to continue talking about his day. But it seems that Regulus has caught James' attention. "It's just that, you remember how I cut my hair short? And... and that I'm not Rosalia anymore, just Regulus. You've also probably noticed that Dora and the others don't refer to me by 'she' anymore."

Surely, James had noticed. Surely, he knew.

"Mhm, Regulus fits you so much better actually."

"Yeah, thanks, well, I was wondering if you knew that, you know." He can't say it. The words just won't come out. James tilted his head to one side. "What is it, jaanu?" He looks like a lost puppy.

"I'm a boy. Maybe I wasn't technically one before but I am now." There it is. What's James going to say? He's James, Regulus told himself. He'll do what James does best. He'll be there for you.

"Oh." Oh? What does that mean?

James straightened his back. He lowered his eyes and started fidgeting with his fingers, picking the skin off of his thumb.

Regulus knew this was going to happen. His worst nightmare is coming true. Just when he thought James was his, he just had to come and ruin it all. Why can't he just push the feelings down anyways?

"I mean, this doesn't have to change anything! You don't have to treat me differently just because I'm a boy now, James." He has to fix this somehow, but how? James won't just forget that Regulus is a boy now. What if he's straight? What if Regulus was the guy that made James Fleamont Potter realize that he's straight? Merlin. no. No.

After a good, long second, James' eyes met his again. "Really?"

He had hope. "Yes, really. We can still hang out and be friends and all that."

"Friends." James echoed.

Friends. "Yeah, we don't have to stop being friends just because I'm a boy." Were they really friends? James kissed Reg's forehead just 5 minutes ago. Do friends do that?

Their meet-up didn't last as long as the other ones that night. James had to leave early for detention with McGonagall for setting off dungbombs in the girls' bathroom. It was Regulus' idea. He told James about it a week ago when they were talking about the Marauders' next prank.

Will that stop now that James knows he's a boy? Hopefully not.

Regulus couldn't sleep that night. He tossed and turned in his bed, finding himself stuck on the way James behavior quickly changed the moment he realized Reg is a boy. He would tell Sirius about this, but Sirius doesn't even know about his relationship with James. Or what once was. In the end, Reg found himself back in the Astronomy Tower, charting stars that he found in the night sky.

A week later, he was on his way up to the tower after dinner. He went there every night, hoping James would be there waiting for him. He always hoped that he just came early and that James would soon join him, but he never did.

When Regulus reached the top of the stairs, he found himself staring at an empty room. Until James took the Invisibility Cloak off.

"Reggie." He'd missed the sound of his name on the boy's lips. He wants to keep a recording of it and hide it from the world, only to play it when no one else was listening. James wasn't his, but at least his name was. It's the only piece of James he's gotten to keep all this time.

His feet started walking almost instantly into James' embrace, luckily, his senses came back to him. He's not yours, he had to remind himself. "Why're you here, James?"

He could see that James was taken aback. He's never really referred to James as 'James'. But what was he expecting?

"Look, I know that you're upset by what I said last week. But let me explain." James had pulled his hands back, now twiddling with his fingers again. "Just give me 5 minutes. Please?"

How could Regulus say no?

"Okay" He took a seat across from James. He didn't want to sit next to him. He's too scared of his hand accidentally touching James' and whatnot.

James took a deep breath. "What I said last week, I didn't mean it. I was just a bit shocked when you told me you were a boy. I don't mean that in a bad way, I should've figured it out before, but you know me. Anyways, I don't wanna be friends. I wanna be whatever we were before last week. I wanna be your boyfriend again, Reggie. May I?"

Regulus wasn't expecting this. He was hoping that James would say this, but that seemed so far away and now it's here right in front of him. Reg was too shy to say it, he just took James' chin and pulled him in, letting their lips touch.

Some time later, Reg found himself laying down on James' lap. He stayed still while James ran his hands through his hair, occasionally making the tiniest braids. He wanted to stay like this forever. Just a moment frozen in time where he was perfectly happy to just exist. He could've been asleep. James probably thought he was.

It was silent for a while, until James broke the silence.

"I wish you were a girl."

------------

this was inspired by that one audio on tiktok from the movie 'as you are'. i plan on watching this movie this december, hopefully before the new years. as always, this is just a small thing that i've wanted to make for a while, but i've just found the motivation now. excuse the grammar mistakes, english isn't my first language. hope you enjoyed this one <3 oh, and i wanted to make james hindi, so i did a quick google search on terms of endearment in hindi and i found the word "jaanu" that was said to mean "my life" (source: language drops). if it's wrong please excuse it and just think of it as james trying to refer to regulus sweetly.

have a good day/evening/night, loves <3

i hate the fact that the idea of opening up to someone, of asking for help, makes me sick to the stomach.

Sirius Black in pearls

// arcane spoilers

the dictatorship leaving caitlyn’s body when she sees her girl wearing bandages as a shirt

“i told the stars about you”

“i bought some chocolate cause it reminds me of you”

“i made a playlist for you”

these 3 sentences just- AKISNAUSJSNS

wtaf.

Thinking about war-time James referring to Regulus as ‘Sirius’ brother’, and Sirius referring to him as ‘James’ ex’ because neither of them want to acknowledge their own relationship to him and how close they once were.

welcome to the marauders fandom <3

sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids sirius black in braids

i’m always in my own little bubble

i almost never want to listen to new music

i stay in the following feed of social media

i really only have, like, 6 friends i continuously talk to

i’m always shocked when my friends are talking about a topic that seems so familiar to them

i’ve stayed in the same school my whole life

i’ve lived in the same city my whole life

i wear the same clothes, the same hair, and the same face everyday

but frankly, i enjoy it.

yes i want to explore

i want to know everything and everyone

but knowledge is terrifying and clearly there are some things better left unknown.

so yes, i might not be as aware of my surroundings as i should be, but i am comfortable.