Desert Duo/flower Husband Dynamic Is A Train Track To Me

Desert duo/flower husband dynamic is a train track to me

Grian and Scott see that each rail needs the other to make a working track

Scar and Jimmy see that each rail needs a bit of space between them

Both of these things are right; a train can't run with half a track, and neither can it run if the rails are too close together

It's interesting that between the two relationships, I see a foil rather than a parallel, though

With desert duo, Grian is putting in most of the work to make it work, and their relationship reflects that. Grian's usually in charge and whatever he decides to do is final to him, whether or not Scar goes along with it; Grian has control over the resources because he gathered them, he has control over the information because he's been paying attention, he has control over the plans because he didn't have Scar's help to set everything up, and he doesn't need it to follow through; Scar's resources and information are what he gathered himself, and Grian tends to give him things if he's under the impression that Scar is going to help him; because it's Scar, though, he usually doesn't do what Grian's asked without SOME personal interpretation

With Flower husbands, Jimmy is in charge; Scott always defers to his teammates because it takes two rails to make a track, and it's not going to work out if they're going different directions. He and Jimmy share a lot, because (like Grian) Scott wants to provide for his partner, but unlike with desert duo, if Jimmy asks for something, Scott will give it to him (not because he trusts him with it, but because Scott doesn't think he's any more capable)

So even though Scott and Grian have similar views on their relationship, Grian has more power to make decisions and the reverse is true for Jimmy and Scar

(I haven't watched Third Life in a bit so this has more to do with later seasons, in which Grian wasn't oath-bound to do what Scar says and can/will just do his own thing if he gives up on asking Scar to cooperate)

The general 'power dynamics' (for lack of a better description) in both Flower Husbands and Desert Duo are a super interesting topic, though I also think they're significantly more complicated than just "Jimmy was in charge of Flower Husbands and Grian is in charge of Desert Duo".

Who was "in charge" between Scott and Jimmy was situational.

I think Scott took charge in mundane ways at the beginning a lot. Scott, while he's very flexible and values teamwork, is also a very proactive person, if a decision needs to be made, he'll make it. And while Jimmy is strong willed, he's also often ostensibly pulled into a 'follower' role because he is very willing to hype up his partner's plans when it's not something he's already made up his mind about to the contrary. So early on, when they're just building cute little houses and picking flowers, you get a lot of Scott making mundane decisions and Jimmy going along with them because he had little reason not to, which is also where I think you get the take that Scott was significantly "controlling" over Jimmy. (which isn't to say jimmy never made decisions early on because he did absolutely have his own projects and make suggestions for the team, but there was definitely a lot of scott making a plan- or just doing what he wanted outright if it was a 'minor' enough matter that he didn't need jimmy's help and didn't feel the need to run it by him- and Jimmy rolling with it.

It's big things where you get a switch, because while Scott is proactive to a point and Jimmy as amenable to a point in small matters, Jimmy is still fundamentally ambitious and strong willed and Scott is still fundamentally loyal, which means in major matters, Jimmy pretty much always got his way. Jimmy promises Joel, BigB, and Martyn cows behind Scott's back, they argue about it because Scott feels undermined and blindsided, but Jimmy wins the fight quickly and they give away the cows. Jimmy puts himself in danger in ways Scott explicitly warned him not to do, they argue about it because Scott is deeply upset by his husband risking everything without caring how he feels, but Jimmy does what he wants regardless and Scott drops the issue quickly. Jimmy antagonizes Dogwarts, they argue about it because Scott doesn't want to throw away their stability to go to way, but Jimmy is determined and Scott follows him to war where they both die.

So you get an interesting dynamic where, on the surface it's actually assumed that Scott is "in charge" between him and Jimmy, because Scott is very proactive on a day to day basis and Jimmy doesn't have any issue hyping his partner up and jumping on Scott's idea. But beneath the surface, Scott deeply believes in compromise, and will literally follow Jimmy into the grave before he risks causing a rift in their relationship by refusing to back his partner. Which functionally gives Jimmy a immense power over Scott in most seriously important matters just on account of Jimmy being more willing to fight (or just do whatever he wants) in regards to important things, whether Jimmy intends it or not.

On the other hand, you have Scar and Grian. And these two, I think, are..really complicated.

Grian can be overbearing. Absolutely. And he often does manage their resources and plans. Grian is a worrier, someone who he takes it upon himself to be a caretaker, and who feels an immense need to be on top of things. Because of this Grian is the more likely to take control of situations, which often does result in Grian telling Scar what to do, managing their resources and schedules and jobs and plans. Grian is "the boss" in a lot of ways, he has this stubborn mindset that he knows best and Scar often feels like he's being talked down to, caged, or forced to listen to Grian, because Grian is pushy and overbearing.

However.

I also think it's worth remembering- and I struggle with how to phrase this- labor often is categorically not empowering. And I think we often focus a so much on who is more overtly 'bossy' when looking at potential power dynamics that we miss the way labor (both literal and emotional) plays into the equation entirely. Yes, on the face of things, Grian is often the one "calling the shots", but Grian often feels a distinct lack of control in his relationship with Scar. Grian has all but stated that he often feels like he is forced to parent his partner when he's with Scar. A lot of people attribute this to Grian simply unfairly not trusting Scar and viewing him as a child, but I think what Grian is actually expressing here is that he feels like there is a labor gap in their relationship. Sure, Grian is "in charge" of their resources a lot of times, but that's because Grian is usually the one who has to gather them without much (if any) help. Sure, Grian often "tells Scar what to do" when it comes to mundane tasks, but that's because Grian doesn't feel like Scar will help him unless he makes a big deal out of it. Sure, Grian is often the one who makes the plans and decisions for their group, but that's because Grian believes things won't get done unless he makes them happen.

And the thing is that in a lot of cases he's right! Sure, there are absolutely cases where Grian is overly controlling or distrustful because of his own personality and issues, but frequently, Scar won't help with "chores", frequently Scar won't even listen to Grian's input unless Grian is screaming, and frequently Scar will "misinterpret" Grian's instructions and do what he wants to anyways. Don't get me wrong, I don't think Scar is doing this maliciously. I don't think Scar is trying to hurt Grian or be a "bad partner", I just think they prioritize very different things, and that's not inherently Scar's fault. I'm not criticizing Scar per say, or at least, I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad person or partner. But that doesn't change the fact that often Grian is left feeling like he has a child, not a partner (as he's said explicitly, actually), and it is a genuinely harmful imbalance in labor (both literal and emotional) that leaves Grian feeling tired and resentful a lot of times. (i also think this is part of why grian is extra 'controlling' and 'overbearing' when it comes to scar. i think he has a habit of convincing himself scar is stupider and weaker than scar really is so grian feels important and capable for doing so much. it's a way to to cope with the labor imbalance and make himself feel like it's his own decision instead of just stewing in the sense of unfairness that occasionally slips through in how he talks).

I just find Desert Duo fascinating because there are layers to the power dynamics between them. Grian is "in charge" in a lot of ways and he can be genuinely stubborn, hyper-critical, and inflexible in ways that aren't fair on Scar. But on the other hand, there's this underlying labor imbalance favoring Scar that a lot of Grian's more "bossy" tendencies stem from, and I really don't think labor (in this context) is power, and in fact, it's often a big source of powerlessness and exhaustion for Grian in both Third Life and especially Double Life when they were teamed. So I struggle to actually say Grian has real power over Scar per say, even if they both play into the "Oh Grian's the boss" thing.

Sorry for rambling I'm just fascinated by these relationships.