#014 Lame Superpowers

#014 Lame Superpowers

For many people, acquiring superpowers would be a dream come true. You’d be able to protect the world from evil, become an intergalactic celebrity, probably meet other superheroes. But not all superpowers are created equal. Not everyone can shift their shapes or envision lasers or turn their arms into super-sonic-plasma-ultra-cannons (Super-Sonic-Plasma-Ultra-Cannon Man gets like really pissy when you don’t say the whole thing so our hands are kind of tied here). Some guys get stuck with powers like jelly and/or jam vision (for all you sandwiching needs) or the power to generate a gloomy rain cloud directly above their head and nowhere else (excellent for watering hat plants). Some people just have to make their peace with the fact that they have lame powers.

Now, fear not (y’all best not be fearing!) having lame superpowers doesn’t mean you can’t be a superhero. When you have lame superpowers there are basically two directions you can go. You can either try to find clever ways to use your ridiculous abilities to actually help people. Or, you can just totally lean into it and establish yourself as a ridiculous superhero.

Not Leaning into it:

If you’re going to try to establish yourself as a legitimate serious hero when all you’ve got is the power to shoot maple syrup from your armpits (part of a well-balanced breakfast!) you need to understand that you’ll probably still be seen as a ridiculous superhero. Even if you try to pass yourself off as really serious and wear only black and carry a submachine gun and wear an eyepatch. Even if you become a super gritty killing hero. If your powers consist of you being able to regrow your eyebrows at an alarming rate after they’ve been shaved or blown off (handy if you’re a mad scientist prone to developing potions that explode your eyebrows off), you’re not going to be taken seriously. If you’ve got lame superpowers and insist on the public taking you seriously break out the cardboard paper and the glitter glue cuz you’re gonna need to get creative. You can always just keep the fact that you even have any superpowers a secret and establish yourself as a serious player in the superheroing game that way. If you keep your powers a secret your enemies won’t think to prepare for them so you’ll always have a secret ace in the hole if a bad guy has you on the ropes. If a bad guy thinks they have a non-powered hero captive they’ll definitely be caught off guard when you suddenly reveal that you’ve had the power to turn your mouth into a confetti cannon (the most festive of powers) the entire time. Another option is to determine the best situations for your power to be made useful and then only show up at those times. For example, if you have the power to turn into an adorable kitten only respond to crimes being committed by people with known allergies to adorable kittens. (You’d be surprised how many super villains are allergic to adorable kittens. Maybe it is their inability to interact with adorable kittens that caused them to go astray in the first place.)

Leaning into it:

Establish yourself as the go-to guy or gal or gecko for dealing with ridiculous super crimes. If some new criminal appears and declares his intention to steal mustaches in order to power his personal WMDs that’s a job for you. If an alien conqueror lands in the middle of Washington DC and demands that some sitcom from the ‘90s be brought back, make sure you’re the guy or gal or gecko they call. If somebody kidnaps a world famous clown and makes them tell jokes at their nephew’s birthday party, it should fall to you to make sure that world famous clown is safely rescued and returned to his under-sized-surprisingly-spacious car. You need to be the hero people turn to in desperation when they’ve been laughed at by all the other mainstream heroes with the cool powers. Keep that up long enough and you’ll no doubt start receiving tons of calls from superhero organizations offering you positions on their teams. After all, every super-team needs its comic relief. Becoming a loud and proud superhero with lame powers is an all-or-nothing process, if you choose to lean into it you need to accompany your ridiculous powers with a ridiculous codename and a ridiculous costume. Maybe even get yourself a good bumbling sidekick. Or a trained monkey! Those are fun. Serious heroes can’t get away with crap like that. Being a ridiculous hero is way more fun.