You Know That John Mulaney Quote, “the Things Crazy People Say Mean Nothing To Them, But Everything

You know that John Mulaney quote, “the things crazy people say mean nothing to them, but everything to me”?

Now, every time I get on the school elevator, I think of that.  So for backstory, I sprained my ankle when I fell down the stairs about a month ago, this granted me access to the elevator in my school.  A couple of days ago I was waiting to get on the elevator to my fourth block class when a girl wearing sweatpants, a sweatshirt, a messy bun, and socks and sandals approaches me.  In one hand, she held a McDonald's milkshake or frappe of some sort, and in the other, a paper plate with some folded over paper towels stacked on it.  “Hey, can I ride with you? I’m lazy.”  I smile and say “yeah, of course!” because we’ve all been there (and I don’t like confrontation.)

While we are waiting for the elevator she asks me, “Hey, do you like bacon?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want some?  I made it in foods.” She said, unfolding the paper towel.

Now, I have been told many times by my parents not to take candy from creepy old men in sketchy vans, but I have never been warned about not taking bacon from a teenage girl.  That thought and the fact that she was offering me free food made me say “yeah” and take the bacon.

The elevator door opens up and we get in.  The door closes and after a brief conversation about what floor we’re going to she says, “Hey, can I tell you something gross, but kind of cool?”

“Sure,” I said, now questioning my judgment and critical thinking skills.

The elevator had a little gap between the sidewall and the wall with the door and buttons, in this gap, is a bunch of nasty splatters of god knows what.  She points to one of the splatters and asks,” You know what that is?”

I shook my head.

“That's a loogie.  Do you know who made that?  I made that.  Freshmen year.  I’m a senior now.  Just shows you how much they clean this place.”

The elevator door opens.  “See ya.”  She gets out of the elevator, and I’m still standing there, frozen in shock and in utter disbelief at what had just happened, half a piece of bacon in my hand, which I was now hesitant to eat.  When she was bacon girl it was fine, but now shes loogie girl.  Anyway, I walk to my class, bacon in hand, as like, I dunno, proof that it happened, that I wasn’t dreaming.