“As Far As I Could See, Life Demanded Skills I Didn’t Have.”

Turn out the lights. I’ll love you until you love yourself.

nameless

I’ve still been hanging out on the wild side.  But I really am about to get a hold of things.  I’ve decided I needed to take my life step by step.  I realize that what I am doing isn’t exactly right but I’m figuring things out for myself.  In my opinion I haven’t had the opportunity to do that.  My dad has been blaming himself for the way I’ve been acting.  That hurts.  I am a human being, and “adult”.  I am now responsibile for myself.  My parents have been amazing to me.  And I can only pray to be like them when I grow up.  I need them to understand that.  Perhaps there are somethings some people just can’t understand.  I feel like I do well in seeing their side of things and understanding why they feel that way, but I still agree to disagree. 

So far the plan is to start saving mad money and after my birthday.  For a while I will stay in the little appartment in granma’s house.  I’ll pay rent too and I’m going to start paying for my phone.  One thing I have to accomplish between now and then I’ve got figure out a way for my parents to let me use my car still.  If they don’t I won’t be able to move out.  They’re starting to ease up on the idea of it, which is good.  As far as the rules until then, I’m going to have to keep spending time with them to slowly make them understand my side.  My dad did admit last night that he completely realizes how wrong he is in the way he’s been acting.  Saying he was going to beat my best friends ass because he happened to be around when I got caught messed up.  He was there hanging out with my brother and when my dad came down stairs he was literally pulling anthony out of the bed telling him that they needed to go.  What’s strange is two days after the incident my dad said that Rowdy was being somewhat of a good guy trying to leave.  Then by the end of the week he freaked out.  He says I am not allowed to hang out with him, he’s not allowed to be in my car, and he doesn’t want me speaking to him.  Seriously?  He knows nothing about him.  All he knows is he has some fun on occasion.  He said everything else is based on intuition.  I understand that but he still deserves a chance.  I am determined to get him that chance.  Dad knows he doesn’t have a car or a job.  Well, his car broke down, therefore he lost his job. Don’t get me wrong, I know his reputation is not the best but now that I’m on the inside I understand more.  That doesn’t make it right but I just get it.  I would rather have “bad” friends that treat me like a real friend than “good” people who only pretend to be my friend.  Amen.

Last week I had a bit of a break down on my way home from school.  It’s really changed me.  I suddenly realized getting used really was getting to me.  Somewhat subconsciencely I suppose.  I cried more than I’d like to admit then came to the realization that if what I’ve been doing isn’t working out like I want it, try something new.  Of course.  I am happy to say I have successfully said no three times to those risky little invites.  And I have just not responded twice.  That’s good I think.

Lately.  He started liking her and that got him to back off me a bit. It’s not like I hated him I just didn’t want to date him.  And as for him, I’ve heard he said he liked me, ha.  He just acts so idk, half and half.  I have noticed changes but not enough for me to believe in him.  Friends for now.

Wow, I didn’t mention Brandon once in all that.

wash it all away

I put my Galaxy S4 in the washing machine about a week ago. Clearly, it was an accident. I was ten kinds of fucked up over it. My parents got me this expensive phone for Christmas because they trusted me, they knew I wouldn’t pawn it like I have everything else in my life. It was the only thing I have that held any value. My mother and I took it to two different cell phone repair stores. Last night we had to give up and accept that the Galaxy was gone for good. It was time to let the grieving process begin but then low and behold my mother bought me another phone right there on the spot for my birthday! I love it. I love her, I love my family. I’m so blessed. Now, there’s more. I think. As the days go by I get more and more comfortable with who and where I am. That’s beautiful. My intensive out patient classes are getting to be more bearable. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m just not going to be allowed to work in a restaurant so I best get out there and do something because I can’t continue to let my parents pay for it all. Jess is Jess. I love him, he loves me. We’re trying to work it out where we can see one another more often. He obviously doesn’t handle life very well without me. Oh, wait. You don’t know. I’m too proud to even write it out for you. Why is it that I always get along with the guys better? I went out with a few the other night. One was weary because we’re not really supposed to hang out with other people in our program but by the end he said I was like one of the guys and okay to be brought out like that. Why, thank you, that’s really what I was looking for, your approval ha. No. It still felt nice I guess. Is it wrong to enjoy attention? There is this guy that pretended to be all brotherly at the convention and I found yesterday he’s been telling everyone that he just wanted to fuck me. Now that, I don’t appreciate. I was seeing red last night after being told about it. There was more said of course to make me so angry. I did the right thing, though. I was given that information in confidence so it was not my place to take care of it. I just know that I’m going to do everything I can to make sure he knows that I’m not going for that shit. Even talking about it fuck with me. I can’t count how many times that message has been delivered to me. That’s what’s sick about it. What do I do to attract that nasty and attention. You know, the wrong kind of attention. To be honest, I think it’s because men see and talk to me then automatically think I can be easily manipulated or taken advantage of. And I’ll give them that, that’s usually the case. However, I’m so oblivious to it when they’re doing it that they don’t really get the chance to take that vantage. Then I find out like this, typically from another guy trying to sneak his way into my pants. It’s sad really. Don’t pay me a compliment because I’ll never take you serious. Believing guys like that has helped get me to the torn to shit emotional state that I live in now. Thank you baby, thank you so much. I sound like I’m all negative. I’m not. I just need to make these things clear to myself, you know? When it’s written down it’s always easier to understand, to see what I’m doing wrong or right in their eyes, apparently. We’re going to play volleyball tonight. He will be there and so will he and so will he. Confusing, I know. We’ll see how it goes. It cant be that bad. Right?

“My life is unmanageable and I’d like to share it with you.”

— David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

I decided I’m going to try to start making more gratitude lists. I can’t decide how I’m going to do it but today started with ten things. The things I listed are things thast I am grateful everyday, and always will be as long as those things remain in my life. My hope is to perhaps name ten things periodically and never say the same thing consecutively. For example, on the first one I just posted, I mentioned my boyfriend. On my next list, I will not say my boyfriend. That way, I’m not taking the easy way out by restating the same things towards each attempt of remaining grateful. We’ll see how long it lasts, if it lasts at all. I spoke at Cumberland Heights (a rehab in the Nashville area) Wednesday. I didn’t plan on speaking. The plan was to tag along to learn about H and I (hospitals and instituations). The women originally chosen to speak couldn’t make it so I was asked to take her place. I was so nervous. I was afraid I would bring the wrong message. For all I know, that meeting could have been the first time some of them had ever even heard of NA. I wanted people to be attracted to the program. It, among other things, has saved my life, and contionues to do so on a daily basis. I was also nervous because of the public speaking part of it, of course. Standing on a stage in front of upwards of 60 people speaking is uncomfortable. I spoke entirely too fast, and not long enough. There was one girl in the crowd particularly that I hoped to reach. She ended up asking for my nunmber, so hopefully I said something that touched her in someway. Even if I only helped one person, that’s still enough. My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation earlier. We talked about what we would do if one of us started using. It is suggested, of course, that you don’t date another addict when they are using. The point we made is, if we love one another how can you just turn your back on them? Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure that out today. He is struggling in his recovery. It frustrates me that he doesn’t follow suggestions but I am learning to let him work his program while I work mine, seperately. It’s much easier said than done. He knows what to do and won’t do it. With that being said, I want to lose weight and haven’t done anything about it. So, I’ll just pray about it. My parents, boyfriend, and I went out to dinner tonight. IT was in honor of my late birthday and my parents’ anniversary. I was able to pay for their dinner tonight. As reluctant as they were to let me do it, I am so grateful to have the ability to do that today. That’s all I have to say for now.

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

cure

There is now a cure for hepatitis c and I am going to get it! Not treatment, but the cure! It is 99% effective. I am so blessed. The scaring that has already occurred to my liver is irreversible BUT as long as a do everything I’m told, medically speaking, it won’t get any worse. If I decide I want to, I can now have children without having to worry about making them sick, etc. I can’t express my gratitude to my God for what he is doing in my life. I love you.

So, much

There is so much that needs to be mentioned. That is, of course, if anything truly needs to be mentioned on Tumblr. How cynically cliche of me. Addiction is such an ongoing vile, forlorn disease, as they say. Whether I’m sober or not the misery of it all never truly fades. I’ve done some things I never thought I’d consider in my darkest nightmares and the truth is in that moment it seemed like I had no choice but to hold my breath and put one foot in front of the other. That’s all there is worth saying. Jessie, my boyfriend, is the only thing in my life that has given me a glimpse of hope in things to come. I don’t know who or where I would be without him. He’s been staying with me therefor making closing my eyes on these cold nights possible, or so it seems. As miserable as I may sound every step I take with his hand in mine takes me one step closer to creating the life I pray I’ll one day have. Thank you. I love you. After several attempts in contacting me, Brandon has managed to put himself back into my life. He had asked me to come see him for a couple of weeks so finally after talking to Jessie about it I agreed to meeting him. It always starts the same way, too. He brings up the way our relationship ended then proceeds to ask me if I was given the chance again would I give him/us one last go. My response this time explained that even though I’m no happy with who I am or what my life is I couldn’t be happier with the man in my life. I’m sure there are certain things in my life that would have probably turned out in someway more positive or at least tolerable but in the long run I honestly don’t think it would’ve been worth it. He went on to tell me he’s still in love with me and would like to try again if at all possible. He had me download some sort of application that would allow us to talk without his psycho girlfriend from finding out (she checks the phone bill every month and calls any number that is unfamiliar). I didn’t directly answer his question about trying again although I’m not all that sure why. Perhaps, in the hidden places of my heart I was deceived, thinking it could be possible to find some level of happiness in doing so; if only for an instant. I’m pretty sure though I was only thinking all this because of what I always imagined we would be not necessarily because I actually thought I would genuinely be happy or content. My response lingered also because I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wouldn’t be open to the thought of trying it. After all, he was my first love and there will always be a part of me that he has taken that I will never get back; a place in my heart unfortunately reserved for him. In the end I’ve found the man of my wildest dreams. A man that didn’t exist up until a year ago. A man that picked up the shredded pieces Brandon left me with and made something beautiful and capable of a love that can’t be defined. Cliches aside, I’ve found something in Jessie I can no longer live without and I thank my God for that with every breath He blesses me with. I love you, I love you.

“You mean more to me than anyone else has. Love, Justin.” I’m so blessed. To make this sweet surprise even more rad, he left an orange sucker with a cricket, of sorts, frozen inside. Who does that? I think I’m in love.

MTA 26

I just hopped the bus on Gallatin pike to get to work.  I will get downtown only catch the 12 bus to Nolensville road.  One positive to catching the bus is you get hit on every time you catch a bus.  Some guy just gave me his card with his phone number and room number at the hotel he’s staying at. The old me would’ve jumped at the opportunity not because I was attracted to him but because I’d take him for every dime he had and more than likely succeed.  Today, I need money but not that back and for that I am grateful. I got to hang out with Jess last might. And for those 2 hours everything disappeared.  I didn’t have a care in the world other than not wanting our time together to end but all things must come to and end. I’m just so happy I got to spend that time with him.  He’s my rock whether I like it or not. My boss wants to fire Crissy, my friend that got me the job.  It makes me feel good but also guilty because she’d lose her job and I’d keep mine. That’s all I have to say right now. Eleven days, of course.