Madibun-blog - My Dear ღ

you know what you are, darling?

all mine.

I hope he realizes I'm the only one who loves him this way and to this extent.

Am I the only one who doesn’t improve because they refuse to try.

I always say “I don’t like deep breathing”. “It doesn’t work” I say. But I don’t even try.

“I don’t like meditating” I say, “it doesn’t work” i say. But I don’t even try.

“I can’t journal” I say, “it doesn’t help” I say. but I don’t even try.

Why? Because it can’t be that simple. If it’s that simple than I’m not as traumatized, or as damaged, or as far gone as I thought I was, and it almost feels like all of this was for nothing. I feel like I don’t have it bad enough and therefore I don’t deserve help, nor do I want it because of that.

It almost feels as if when I heal, all this suffering was for nothing, all this time struggling to get better was for nothing, all those panic attacks and dangerous driving and self harm, when it was always just…that simple.

So I don’t even try. Because if it works, it’s been too simple all along and I have suffered at my own expense for nothing.

THIS CAN'T BE THE END

me and who?

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you ȉ̷̗̊̎̅̆͘ ̸̼̯͖̯͛l̸̩͎̖̽̍́̊̈̾͝o̸̮̪̔̓̈v̵͓̜̋̉̔̿̽̏͠é̶̺̃̚ ̸̯̯̉̐̏̅́̕͘ý̶̥͔͑̏͐́o̴̰̥̘̪̺͐̆̄͆̐u̶̢̘̼̖̼̣͊̀ ̵̡̻̦̘̺̓̇̀͒̚͜ͅï̷̡͕̣̘̬̖̮ ̸̟͙̞̲͎̠̹̽̐͐́͐l̵͓̾̇̋̚ơ̵͖̒͜v̵͙̫̀͋e̶͇̅̃̂ ̶̮̣̮͉̓͒̈́̈̅̚ͅy̴̧̙̰͖͂́͜o̵̧̘̼̤̖͙͌ű̷͈͇̆̐ ̸̦͙̱̕ĭ̷̠ͅ ̸̗̩͛͋̚ĺ̷̙̒̐̋̃̌̕ọ̴̧̯̝̤̦̪͛v̵̙̜̲́̆̑͌͘e̵̜̾̋͌̇ ̶̰̟̻̫̘̗̎̇͒̐̑̐̚y̶̟͍͍͒͌̈o̵͉̼̰͛̈́͐̋̕͝ụ̴̢̯͉͔͙̜̑͊̅ ̸̢̣̼̰̏͊̈́͜͝i̶̢̖̞̅̂̀̏̅ ̵̮̺̗̅̈́̊̐̚̕l̴̳̭̭̗͙̝͂̄́̃̂̆͊ö̶̝̒̀͌v̷̪̄́͋̊̀̐ȩ̴̼̮̥͌̊̌͒ ̶͙̼̤̲̟͙͈͋ý̸̨͔͎̎̽̈́̈́̈́̓ơ̴̥̱͒̎̾͠u̵͙̱̼͛̓͌̇̚͝ͅ ̶̢̛̫̣̾í̶͔̣̪̬̫͇͑̌̎̚ ̴̎͋̍̌ͅl̵͕̈́ô̷͎̺̭̬̺͒̍̑̊̕v̶̖̺͚͊e̴̡̫̮͌̋̓͝ ̷̠̜̥̫̀ÿ̶̯͓́ő̸̖̲̐̾̍͘u̸̗̣̺͇͕̤̳̎̋͗͌̆ ̴̨̳̤̹̖̿̎͛͂ĭ̷̢͉̫̤̻̩͜ ̴̺͖̹͆̈͌͌̈͒l̸̺̀ō̵̖͉̈͛̎̂̃͝v̶̝͌̔ë̵͈͔̾̚ ̵̬̞̤͍͓͓̘̀̒̀̇̓ỵ̶̡̛͚͇̖̗̜́͌̀͌̇̄o̶̫̗̓̄͗̐̈̑̈́ù̵̧̡̠̠͍̘́̒͛̈̎͊ ̶̰̫͚̰̘͓̘̋́͝i̸̹̋̿̒̓͒͂̂ ̸̨̮̪̪͌͛͑̀̚l̶̹̻̞͓̤̺͌͊̿ͅŏ̷̬̦̳͕̀̎̀͂́v̷̮̀̀͊ě̶̛͈̣̔͂̒ ̶̧̱͍̌̓y̶̺̖̽̌͋̾̚o̷̲͈̼̒͜ũ̷̹̔́ ̸̛̼̯̳̥͒ỉ̴̢̠͍͘ ̵̩́̍͒l̸̢͚̩̠̠̬̟̽͗̕o̶̤̣͋͆ͅv̸̨̩̪̙̲͝e̸͉̽̉̈́̓̈͘̚ ̷̢̛̻̖̩̞̦̔y̴̜͉̔͗͝͝o̶̯͊u̴͎̹̠̐͗̕͝ ̶͖͍̩̣̒͛̐͌̾̕͠į̸͒̐͝ ̷̼̤̯̉̏̅͛͂͘l̶̩̎ǒ̸͔̖̙̣̀͋v̶̞̯̜͕̱̌̉̎̍̉ë̵̼͕̰͚͍̰͙́̀̾̓ ̸̨̜͔̙̣̄͌́̾̑͜ỷ̵͕͚̻̙̯̦̂̚o̴̡͚̖̿͆́̂͝ú̸̧̦̠̇͗̕ ̸̢̛͙͚͜i̵̯̝̬͉̟͌͂̓̃͂ ̷̙̄͠l̶͔͇̊̃̂̐͋̉͆o̴̗͈̠͚̺̮͆̓͒́͋͛v̶̦͖̰̬̘̋̄͌̅̽̕͘ȩ̶͍͚̘̼͖̀̑͘̚͝͝ ̴̻̯͈̊͠ẙ̸̩ò̴̞̬̤̪̩̜͂͐ù̶̘̙̜̉̐̏̑̚͝ ̵̛̲͉͊͌̐̕͠͠ȋ̶̢͍̈́͘͝ ̸̙̬̳̦͔̉̅ļ̵̨̝͍̅̈̓̅͝o̸͈̟͕̾̈́ͅv̷̹̗̿̕ë̴̪̗͓͖̟͚́̆̽͠ͅ ̶͖̫̩͎͎̪͑͋͠ÿ̵̯͚́̇̀͘͠ỏ̷̱͍̭̫̘̦̖̿ư̵̥̬̏̄͘ ̸̛͉̀̅͗̅i̷̝͇̬̪̠͎̓̇͜ ̸̤̃͛̇̿̓̕l̵͔͕̦͔͂̏̿o̶̢̰̱̜͉͉͆̃̇ͅṿ̷̲̱͚̫̱́́̂̈́ë̴͈̲̙̹̠́ ̶̨̧̮͈̱̺̐̈́͘̕y̴̹̲͊o̴͎͊̇͆͊ů̶͖̎̄ ̸̩̮̻̻̲̎̄̅͊̇̍i̵̬̥̿̓̋̈ ̶̦̱́̊̀̈́͝l̴̖̭̯̏͐̊̈́͜͝ơ̴̞̦͓̱̜̐́͗̃̊̓ͅͅv̵̗̙̤͓͈͗̀̉̌̕̕e̸̤̜̬̟̙̕ ̵͈̟̠̍͜͜y̴̤͚̽̏͗͗͊̈́o̵̡̼̲͈̺͛́ú̷̜̼̎̍̏͗̈͌ ̴̯͖̣͛̓͆ḯ̷̼̫̯͎̒̊͋͝ ̵̦͖͕̌͆̚l̴̯̗͕͒͂͆̓̅̕ö̴͍͙̱͝ṽ̶̤̞̖͉̠͎͑̿́͠ê̷̺̩͐̑͐̃ ̵̫͓̩͊̓͛̚ÿ̶̧̢̙̯͔́̆̀͐ͅō̵̩̦̿͐̇̒̾͝û̶̱̖̌̐ ̶̮̟̈́͆ï̷̡͕͓͈̂͂̑͝͝ͅͅͅ ̴͉͗̓̏l̶̙͙̊̾̀̈́ͅo̸͈̹̠͎͓͔͋͊̋ͅv̸̞͎͓̮̈́̎͂̐͠ę̷̡̡̜̠̀͑͠ ̶̢̦̠̹̮̠̓̏̏y̷͚͕̋͑͌̊̋̏̚o̶̯̫͓̯̘̰̓̓̾͠u̴͖͕̣̜̲̹͕͒͊͘ ̵̛̻̦̟̻͉͓͌̂i̸̡̡̡͙̖͊̉͊͒̌ ̶̻͔̖̆̅̿́́̌l̷̢̫̘̞̟̻̳͐̒͆ó̸͉̳̖̱̒͌͛̈́̋v̶͇̠̱͒̽̊̔ͅe̵̩͊̈́̄͆̾ ̷̡̢͈̰̭̭̘̀̔̓̿͊͗͘y̷̼͋͐̈̓̋̕ỏ̵͔̣̩͚̗͚̉̚̕ù̴͙̙͓ ̵̩̫͔̯̳̏̈́̑̒̋̄̔į̵̘͔͈̩͉̝̇́̑͐͊̚ȉ̷̗̊̎̅̆͘ ̸̼̯͖̯͛l̸̩͎̖̽̍́̊̈̾͝o̸̮̪̔̓̈v̵͓̜̋̉̔̿̽̏͠é̶̺̃̚ ̸̯̯̉̐̏̅́̕͘ý̶̥͔͑̏͐́o̴̰̥̘̪̺͐̆̄͆̐u̶̢̘̼̖̼̣͊̀ ̵̡̻̦̘̺̓̇̀͒̚͜ͅï̷̡͕̣̘̬̖̮ ̸̟͙̞̲͎̠̹̽̐͐́͐l̵͓̾̇̋̚ơ̵͖̒͜v̵͙̫̀͋e̶͇̅̃̂ ̶̮̣̮͉̓͒̈́̈̅̚ͅy̴̧̙̰͖͂́͜o̵̧̘̼̤̖͙͌ű̷͈͇̆̐ ̸̦͙̱̕ĭ̷̠ͅ ̸̗̩͛͋̚ĺ̷̙̒̐̋̃̌̕ọ̴̧̯̝̤̦̪͛v̵̙̜̲́̆̑͌͘e̵̜̾̋͌̇ ̶̰̟̻̫̘̗̎̇͒̐̑̐̚y̶̟͍͍͒͌̈o̵͉̼̰͛̈́͐̋̕͝ụ̴̢̯͉͔͙̜̑͊̅ ̸̢̣̼̰̏͊̈́͜͝i̶̢̖̞̅̂̀̏̅ ̵̮̺̗̅̈́̊̐̚̕l̴̳̭̭̗͙̝͂̄́̃̂̆͊ö̶̝̒̀͌v̷̪̄́͋̊̀̐ȩ̴̼̮̥͌̊̌͒ ̶͙̼̤̲̟͙͈͋ý̸̨͔͎̎̽̈́̈́̈́̓ơ̴̥̱͒̎̾͠u̵͙̱̼͛̓͌̇̚͝ͅ ̶̢̛̫̣̾í̶͔̣̪̬̫͇͑̌̎̚ ̴̎͋̍̌ͅl̵͕̈́ô̷͎̺̭̬̺͒̍̑̊̕v̶̖̺͚͊e̴̡̫̮͌̋̓͝ ̷̠̜̥̫̀ÿ̶̯͓́ő̸̖̲̐̾̍͘u̸̗̣̺͇͕̤̳̎̋͗͌̆ ̴̨̳̤̹̖̿̎͛͂ĭ̷̢͉̫̤̻̩͜ ̴̺͖̹͆̈͌͌̈͒l̸̺̀ō̵̖͉̈͛̎̂̃͝v̶̝͌̔ë̵͈͔̾̚ ̵̬̞̤͍͓͓̘̀̒̀̇̓ỵ̶̡̛͚͇̖̗̜́͌̀͌̇̄o̶̫̗̓̄͗̐̈̑̈́ù̵̧̡̠̠͍̘́̒͛̈̎͊ ̶̰̫͚̰̘͓̘̋́͝i̸̹̋̿̒̓͒͂̂ ̸̨̮̪̪͌͛͑̀̚l̶̹̻̞͓̤̺͌͊̿ͅŏ̷̬̦̳͕̀̎̀͂́v̷̮̀̀͊ě̶̛͈̣̔͂̒ ̶̧̱͍̌̓y̶̺̖̽̌͋̾̚o̷̲͈̼̒͜ũ̷̹̔́ ̸̛̼̯̳̥͒ỉ̴̢̠͍͘ ̵̩́̍͒l̸̢͚̩̠̠̬̟̽͗̕o̶̤̣͋͆ͅv̸̨̩̪̙̲͝e̸͉̽̉̈́̓̈͘̚ ̷̢̛̻̖̩̞̦̔y̴̜͉̔͗͝͝o̶̯͊u̴͎̹̠̐͗̕͝ ̶͖͍̩̣̒͛̐͌̾̕͠į̸͒̐͝ ̷̼̤̯̉̏̅͛͂͘l̶̩̎ǒ̸͔̖̙̣̀͋v̶̞̯̜͕̱̌̉̎̍̉ë̵̼͕̰͚͍̰͙́̀̾̓ ̸̨̜͔̙̣̄͌́̾̑͜ỷ̵͕͚̻̙̯̦̂̚o̴̡͚̖̿͆́̂͝ú̸̧̦̠̇͗̕ ̸̢̛͙͚͜i̵̯̝̬͉̟͌͂̓̃͂ ̷̙̄͠l̶͔͇̊̃̂̐͋̉͆o̴̗͈̠͚̺̮͆̓͒́͋͛v̶̦͖̰̬̘̋̄͌̅̽̕͘ȩ̶͍͚̘̼͖̀̑͘̚͝͝ ̴̻̯͈̊͠ẙ̸̩ò̴̞̬̤̪̩̜͂͐ù̶̘̙̜̉̐̏̑̚͝ ̵̛̲͉͊͌̐̕͠͠ȋ̶̢͍̈́͘͝ ̸̙̬̳̦͔̉̅ļ̵̨̝͍̅̈̓̅͝o̸͈̟͕̾̈́ͅv̷̹̗̿̕ë̴̪̗͓͖̟͚́̆̽͠ͅ ̶͖̫̩͎͎̪͑͋͠ÿ̵̯͚́̇̀͘͠ỏ̷̱͍̭̫̘̦̖̿ư̵̥̬̏̄͘ ̸̛͉̀̅͗̅i̷̝͇̬̪̠͎̓̇͜ ̸̤̃͛̇̿̓̕l̵͔͕̦͔͂̏̿o̶̢̰̱̜͉͉͆̃̇ͅṿ̷̲̱͚̫̱́́̂̈́ë̴͈̲̙̹̠́ ̶̨̧̮͈̱̺̐̈́͘̕y̴̹̲͊o̴͎͊̇͆͊ů̶͖̎̄ ̸̩̮̻̻̲̎̄̅͊̇̍i̵̬̥̿̓̋̈ ̶̦̱́̊̀̈́͝l̴̖̭̯̏͐̊̈́͜͝ơ̴̞̦͓̱̜̐́͗̃̊̓ͅͅv̵̗̙̤͓͈͗̀̉̌̕̕e̸̤̜̬̟̙̕ ̵͈̟̠̍͜͜y̴̤͚̽̏͗͗͊̈́o̵̡̼̲͈̺͛́ú̷̜̼̎̍̏͗̈͌ ̴̯͖̣͛̓͆ḯ̷̼̫̯͎̒̊͋͝ ̵̦͖͕̌͆̚l̴̯̗͕͒͂͆̓̅̕ö̴͍͙̱͝ṽ̶̤̞̖͉̠͎͑̿́͠ê̷̺̩͐̑͐̃ ̵̫͓̩͊̓͛̚ÿ̶̧̢̙̯͔́̆̀͐ͅō̵̩̦̿͐̇̒̾͝û̶̱̖̌̐ ̶̮̟̈́͆ï̷̡͕͓͈̂͂̑͝͝ͅͅͅ ̴͉͗̓̏l̶̙͙̊̾̀̈́ͅo̸͈̹̠͎͓͔͋͊̋ͅv̸̞͎͓̮̈́̎͂̐͠ę̷̡̡̜̠̀͑͠ ̶̢̦̠̹̮̠̓̏̏y̷͚͕̋͑͌̊̋̏̚o̶̯̫͓̯̘̰̓̓̾͠u̴͖͕̣̜̲̹͕͒͊͘ ̵̛̻̦̟̻͉͓͌̂i̸̡̡̡͙̖͊̉͊͒̌ ̶̻͔̖̆̅̿́́̌l̷̢̫̘̞̟̻̳͐̒͆ó̸͉̳̖̱̒͌͛̈́̋v̶͇̠̱͒̽̊̔ͅe̵̩͊̈́̄͆̾ ̷̡̢͈̰̭̭̘̀̔̓̿͊͗͘y̷̼͋͐̈̓̋̕ỏ̵͔̣̩͚̗͚̉̚̕ù̴͙̙͓ ̵̩̫͔̯̳̏̈́̑̒̋̄̔

the two genders