If You Need To Be Mean Be Mean To Me I Can Take It And Put It Inside Of Me Etc.

I want less, but it’s like wanting so much more. What i want, i’d describe it as wanting less, yet very selfish. It’s like wanting everything.

PUPARIA - Shingo Tamagawa (2020) 🌇🌃

I really just wants to drown now and be somewhere unreachable where no one could ever swim far to save my lifeless body

I have always… dreamt of dying at the sea. Where it’s peaceful. I wanna walk from the shore to the ocean, reaching it’s deepest part where i can no longer feel a path to walk to.. and just drown.

If i ever had a chance in this life to fulfill a dream.. I think it could be this one.

having short-term memory is like. this book profoundly affected me. that show bared my soul. i don’t remember a single thing about it. but it did

it really is insane how waking up early will grant you access to some of the most beautiful sights and sensations in the world that will make you want to live forever, but only if you overcome the gauntlet of a thousand razors that is getting out of bed early. truly one of life's little saw traps.

New year…

It’s crazy how I’ve deleted my social medias to avoid things that could remind me of him, and to also stop my self from frantically checking his profile from time to time. But now with only substack and medium app I have to satisfy my entertainment needs.. i still find myself looking and finding for things that could remind me of him lol

Sometimes in life, people will show you how much they don't respect or appreciate you even if you did so many loving things for them. Even if you were always considering them at the expense of yourself. Allow that to be the blessing of knowing who deserves you and who doesn't. I rather find out the hard way that someone doesn't value me for everything that I am than keep them in my life forever. My love is unconditional but not at the expense of my self-esteem, mental health, and happiness.

I don’t want to die…

I just don’t want to exist anymore.

I want to do more. To love, and to be loved. To be hurt, to suffer, and to cry like there’s no tomorrow. I want to laugh, to have fun, to do goofy stuff that makes no sense but i enjoy to do so. To chat, to talk more, to gossip with my friends, my sister, and my cousins. I want to dress up and feel pretty, i want to shower to feel relieved and clean, i want to do my makeup and skincare, and to buy more makeup. With my curious mind, i wanna learn more, i have so much questions for this world that is yet to be answered. I wanna play and learn instruments. I want to discover the songs that i have never heard before because there is no doubt that one of them is waiting to be my favorite song that i’ll play everyday. There’s still a lot of books i haven’t read, films i haven’t seen, a lot more stories with characters that will fascinate me. Stories waiting for me to read.

I wanna have achievements and to have failures i’d learn from. I wanna find success, and i can’t wait for the day where i can look at my mother’s eyes and feel no shame and guilt. The shame, the guilt, for having a daughter like me. I want to give her the world, my mother, she deserves so much better.

I wanna be there for my sister, my twin, i’ll just be there until she’s ready to talk. About her problems, complaints, her happiness, everything.

I want to appreciate and to be appreciated. I want to apologize for every single horrid shit i’ve ever said and done.

Most of them all. I want to find peace.

There is so much more and i seem to be struggling to find words for everything i want.

And it’s sad, because i know to myself. That i won’t be able to experience, express, feel everything i’ve ever wanted. I know i’ll end before i got to see everything.