Hades: Ow! A Paper Cut!

Asclepius and his father. (Part 4)

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Poseidon: yes, I'm a douche. But I'm a high quality douche

[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker, Hades stands in front of the pot with his arms crossed]

Hades: So. Who broke it? I’m not mad, I just wanna know.

Persephone, quickly: I did. I broke it.

Hades: No. No you didn’t. Thanatos?

Thanatos: Don’t look at me. Look at Hecate.

Hecate: What?! I didn’t break it.

Thanatos: Huh, that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?

Hecate: Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken.

Thanatos: Suspicious.

Hecate: No it’s not.

Hermes: If it matters, probably not, but Minthe was the last one to use it.

Minthe: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Hermes: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Minthe: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Hermes!

Persephone: Okay, let’s not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Hades.

Hades: No! Who broke it?!

Hecate, softly: Hades… Alecto’s been awfully quiet.

Alecto: REALLY?!

Hecate: Yeah, really!

Alecto: Oh my God!

[Everyone starts arguing]

Hades: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. *Looks back at the group with a smirk* Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

Zeus: Olympus is amazing! Way better than Hades’ underworld fortress of loneliness.

Hades: My palace glows in the dark.

Zeus: FUCK!

Poseidon: I woke up with my shoes on but my pants were in the fish tank

Thanatos, at 3am: Wait, so if I'm Death, capital D, and I collect souls, will I die eventually?

Thanatos: Do I like, collect my own soul?

Thanatos: How does that even work?!! Do I look in the mirror and go, "I've come to collect you!" or am I actually immortal?

Thanatos: Will I be the only one alive? Because I can't collect my own soul?!! Will I be alone?!

Hades: Thanatos, please go to bed.

Hades: Love is dead and never existed. All you did was betray me as I lay sick and festering. You are the definition of dread.

Persephone: ... are you okay???

Hades: Cerberus stole my frickin garlic bread

Hermes: I’ll be there in 5 minutes. If not, read this again

“In only seven days” by John Deacon, 1974

Thanatos fixes the broken copy machine.

Thanatos: There's something I'd like to show you, boss. “Thanatos. crushed. it." It works!

Hades: I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.

Thanatos: I mean, I've collected a lot of souls for you.

Hades: And yet death has continued.