My Brain Works Like This

monthly trying to fight off burnout by trying a new brush

rotten 🍅🍋

re: Asagiri saying a lot of people working on bsd have asked him to write about Chuuya from Dazai's point of view yet Asagiri refuses because for all his intent and purposes the answer is "Dazai just doesn't like Chuuya"

Asagiri. Asagiri come sit with me. Asagiri do you realize how much this statement makes Dazai's internal monologue about Chuuya much more intriguing? He doesn't like Chuuya.

In Fifteen, his irritation comes from his perception of Chuuya as a shallow violent guy who's just looking for the biggest enemy (Arahabaki) to beat up. He doesn't like him. Turns out this perception was wrong. He still doesn't like him. Chuuya turns out to be someone who struggles with his humanity in perhaps a more relatable way than Dazai ever expected. And he doesn't like him. Seeing Chuuya and Rimbaud fight inspires Dazai to give a new go at life, and he conspires with everything he has to make Chuuya join the Port Mafia to be his underling. But he doesn't like him.

Then comes Storm Bringer, during which a guy comes along and wants to kill Dazai and take Chuuya away, and Dazai fights tooth and nail to prevent both from happening. He doesn't like him. Dazai vehemently denies the possibility of Chuuya being an artificial human. He doesn't like him. Dazai is uncomfortable for having to tell Chuuya their best course of action would get rid of the last remaining lead they have over his origins, to the point he starts planning for not doing it. And he doesn't like him.

Dazai has contributed to building up years of mutual trust between him and Chuuya. He doesn't like him. Chuuya is always executing Dazai's plans nearly perfectly. He doesn't like him. For a few minutes Dazai considered the possibility he would be drowning Chuuya for real and took the time to reminisce about their good times together. He doesn't like him. He was partnered with Chuuya for a maximum of 3 years, statistically probably a lot less, yet he insists on saying they've known each other for 7 years and still calls Chuuya partner once in a while. But he doesn't like him.

What could possibly be going on inside his head for all of the above to be true at the same time? He's admitted more than once to thinking about Chuuya night and day... but it was of ways to kill Chuuya, so it's fine, obviously, because it means he doesn't like him!!!

Asagiri. I understand your simple words of dismissal as a way to warn your readers you have no intention of pushing that particular thread further in your writing. But Asagiri. Do you not see the monster, this walking mass of contradictions, that you've created? What do you mean he "just doesn't like Chuuya"? Not Chuuya angst this ain't about him I'm holding Dazai up by the scruff and waving him around like a prop. What were his motivations then? Why does he do any of this? What unknown depth of character hides in those cracks, Asagiri?

this too shall pass

Chuuya's jealousy is more like stewing in the bitterness of the betrayal. Like "I still know him better than anyone" when he sees Dazai laughing with someone else.

Dazai's is more overt, he knows deep down that he changed things . Yet, he can't help but walk over and do something, even if it's just to enrage Chuuya bc that means his slug's eyes are on him.

Recently, I was thinking about kin lives especially in the context of fictionkin and how the community often discusses events we see in canon – adjacency or divergence, and additionally creates concepts of validity around that. How even the most adjacent timelives will never be exactly the same, because media is a narrative, not a lifetime. 

A movie, show or book will only ever show the important aspects of a narrative, events will be reduced to their necessities, never shown in their entirety. When you consider a lifetime and all the moments in that; every thought, feeling, conversation, action — all these little features of living day-to-day. Life is so full and abundant. Metaphorically, media is like telling someone about a conversation you had. All the important aspects to make a point will be shared, but the smaller aspects, every thought, reaction, words that weren't recalled still happened. They were part of your life, even if unspoken. 

This doesn't even just apply to “these events happened but information is missing” — which may be true — but also that lives are made of constant events, and with kin lives, every moment was lived. The narrative we see might not be the most important aspects of that life, the moments that mean the most, the biggest joys or pains. It will never convey the depth of every relationship, time spent on each hobby, build-up of emotions, small habits and actions, the raw abundance of being alive. 

I think recognising this both personally and as a community is helpful in understanidng our relationship with our kins, but also dynamics within communities and how we discuss both these lives and media. It would also offer a lot more sympathy towards ourselves and others, or reduce validity politics both interpersonally and within ourselves. To remember we lived. 

ive been haunted by this pickup line for three days now

the hanged he/they...

WOKE major arcana:

the hanged HE/THEY

the LEGALISED high priestess

the GAY lovers

the SHE/HERMIT

the BIEROPHANT

UNALIVE

the fool

sleepover!!!!