DHANISHTA NAKSHATRA

Why do I relate sooooo much to this!!??

MOON HOUSE CORE © novy2sirius

trigger warning: suicide, violence, eating, hypochondria, trauma, mental health issues ♡

this is just a random post abt things ppl with these placements could experience ♡

these r only abt isolated placements so take it with a grain of salt bc the whole chart matters ♡

a lot of these r experiences i’ve heard from my friends and ppl who’ve purchased readings from me directly ♡

moon in 1h core

not being able to hide ur emotions bc they’re literally evident on ur face, youthful beauty, constantly changing ur outlook on life depending on how u feel at the time, getting told u look young for ur age, getting mad bc boys/girls call u cute instead of hot, mothering everyone, likes to be pampered and babied, throws child-like fits if lower vibrational, being a lot like ur mom even tho sometimes u don’t wanna admit it, even if ur a boy having emotional responses like a teenage girl, growing up with parents that had anger issues so now u have anger issues, being asked if ur sad all the time by ppl when ur not even sad it’s just ur resting face, having a comforting aura, ur mood instantly being ruined the moment anything makes u insecure at all, looking good in light blue and white outfits

moon in 2h core

having a cute voice, wanting to spend all ur money bc u had a bad day and r emotional, eating bc u’re emotional af, ur comfort place being a restaurant/fast food spot, having a wife who brings lots of stability to ur life, having a good singing voice, feeling emotionally connected to inanimate objects such as ur stuffed animal, not feeling happy around ppl who bring instability to ur life, spending all ur money on things related to music/food, love language is gift giving and physical touch, not feeling loved by ur partner when they don’t hug u every second, feeling more comfortable around ppl who share the same values as u, only having a good work ethic when ur happy, caring abt ppl more when they spoil u with gifts

moon in 3h core

being extremely charming and able to persuade others easily, having a rly soft voice and being told u sound like a child, being scared to do anything when ur sibling/a companion doesn’t come with u, feeling more emotionally connected to ppl u share similar opinions/interests with, being more talkative around ppl when ur comfortable and quiet around random ppl, posting emo stuff on social media when u were in middle school, having a lot of the same interests as ur mom, being close with ur neighbors growing up and riding bikes with them around the neighborhood and selling lemonade on the side of the road, being obsessed with romance books

moon in 4h core

playing house a lot as a kid, either being rly close with ur mom or having extreme mommy issues, being obsessed with self care related things and not being able to go to sleep without doing ur skin care routine, being emotional just by existing, coming off as emotional even when ur not emotional, feeling deep emotion for ppl and feeling attached to them and then realizing that they don’t feel the same way bc u’ve literally only talked for a week and u just have a problem with getting attached to ppl easily, feeling most comfortable with people that make u feel feminine, being a talented nurse or realtor, having a very nurturing aura

moon in 5h core

having a lot of hobbies that don’t involve leaving ur house, being hot, ppl always telling u that u have celebrity/star vibes, having a bunch of creative ideas but being afraid to share them bc ur shy, being insanely dramatic and then later regretting it heavily, being a good actor, contemplating killing urself every time u got grounded as a kid bc ur dramatic, feeling happiest when ur by the ocean or water, being a hopeless romantic, falling in love w cancer placements but wishing u didn’t, loving mango/citrus flavored foods/drinks, being scared of violent video games and wanting to play sims or minecraft instead, being rly good with kids/kids naturally loving u, growing up with egotistical parents, rewatching the same films/shows over and over bc they bring u comfort

moon in 6h core

being able to tell how someone rly feels even when they try and hide it bc u can analyze ppl rly well, loves animals and feels better when they have an emotional support pet, love language is acts of service and gift giving, having rly bad anxiety any time u leave the house (and in general) these ppl r huge homebodies, being a hypochondriac and thinking ur gonna die every time u have a single bad physical health symptom and googling ur symptoms then becoming even more worried bc google says ur abt to have a heart attack, chronic overthinker

moon in 7h core

being rly charming and having a lot of secret admirers, being scared to come outside ur comfort zone without a companion/partner with u, being fruity af, making ur friends/lovers order food for u bc ur too shy to, wanting harmony/peace and hating when someone argues with u or tries to start conflict with u but unfortunately still managing to attract lots of enemies even when u try to avoid drama, being able to negotiate with others easily, trying to be nice to ppl and killing them with kindness and u still end up getting hurt, being attractive to society but insecure abt ur looks, feeling sad if u don’t look pretty at all times, moving to live near ur bf/gf bc ur too attached to be in a long distance relationship, hates hookup culture

moon in 8h core

being sexualized a lot, ppl randomly confiding in u abt their traumas when u didn’t even bring anything abt it up, not being able to hookup bc you’ll get too attached, having a lot of family trauma that has now affected u emotionally and made u rly defensive any time someone talks to u in a slightly off tone, being a witch, doing love spells on ur crush so they’ll like u, having dark humor, feeling like u wanna die on ur period and going insane and acting like another person and then when u go off it realizing how dramatic u were, getting a boob job, being sent d*ck/p*ssy pics a lot without even asking for them, getting inheritance from ur family, getting surgery when u were young, spiritually transforming the most when ur alone

moon in 9h core

wanting to leave ur home country and never come back, trying to run away as a kid and packing a bag then coming back bc ur scared after only getting half way down ur street, adapting to ur surroundings quickly and easily being influenced by others, having a closer connection with ur grandparents than ur actual parents, having good ethics and not vibing with ppl around u who don’t, having ur first romantic relationship in college, feeling more comfortable around cultures outside of ur own or feeling more emotionally connected to cultures outside of ur own, cutting out ppl quickly when they’re negative and when they don’t support ur plans in life, having a thing for athletic boys/girls

moon in 10h core

having a star-like quality, finding comfort in being a workhorse and working all the time and using it as a way to distract urself from all ur problems in life, feeling like life is meaningless if ur not constantly going out and doing things, trying to keep things private but they end up getting out anyway, having a reputation of being a softie, feeling closer to ur dad than ur mom or having extreme daddy issues no in between, leaving behind a legacy that inspires others and touches them emotionally, being talented in careers that r an emotional outlet for u

moon in 11h core

having a very friendly aura and being able to socialize well but still sometimes having a low social battery at the same time, having a lot of influence on others and attracting a lot of ppl that r fans of u, being easily influenced and sometimes easily manipulated, having a lot of mood swings, being emotionally unpredictable, fearing being alone/dying alone and ppl abandoning u, being able to social network rly well, being closer to a step/half parent than a biological parent, throwing the best house parties, forming closer emotional connections online than in real life, being closer to ur online friends than in person friends, having a deep desire for someone to just care abt u and give u attention

moon in 12h core

having a lot of dreams that weirdly predict things almost perfectly, being obsessed with the feeling of nostalgia but also hating it at the same time, having an ethereal beauty, using astrology as a way to get an explanation for ur trauma so u can feel more validated, falling into a deep depression every time u run out of shows to watch, imagining fake scenarios in ur head abt rly bad things happening and crying over it when ur bored, looking like a mermaid/man, dwelling on the past a lot, being able to mask rly well and pretend ur someone ur not and doing it sm to fit in that u don’t even know who u r anymore, struggling with mental health issues ever since u were a child and feeling like u were sad even as a kid but not knowing why, hearing ppl talk randomly when ur abt to fall asleep but no one’s there, having a lot of hidden enemies that u may have had a close emotional connection with before that end up stabbing u in the back, feeling alone even when ur not alone

comment if u want more of these 🗣️

1st House: The Helm This is where your spiritual energy and identity take the spotlight. The 1st House governs your appearance, personality, and vitality—the essence of how you project yourself to the world. It’s your steez, your approach to life, and the first impression you make on others. The 1st House is all about beginnings, the mask you may unknowingly wear, and how you come to know yourself on a deep authentic level. The captain of this ship is the ruling planet of the zodiac sign residing there.

2nd House: Gate of Hades Your values, self-esteem, and ability to attract wealth are all tied to the 2nd House. This is where your personal resources, possessions, and financial matters come into play. The foods you eat, your saving and spending habits, and your sense of self-worth are all part of this house. It’s where your style and material wealth are rooted, reflecting how you value yourself and what you own. This house represents how you sustain for yourself, how you support all that the first house needs of you to be who you are.

3rd House: Goddess The 3rd House is the domain of communication, early education, and the mind. It governs how you gather and process information, your intellect, and your interactions within your community. This house also encompasses your relationships with siblings, short travels, and technical skills. It’s the space where your to-do list and daily mental activities take shape.

4th House: Subterranean Deeply connected to your roots, the 4th House represents your home, heritage, and ancestry. It’s where your inner life and sense of security are nurtured, influenced by your upbringing and relationship with your parents—especially the mother. This house also relates to land, generational gifts, and knowledge passed down through the family. It’s a space of femininity and the feminine energies in your life. This is the lowest point of the birth chart and can be fairly private and personal-as opposed to the 10th house. It holds up the rest of the chart and is incredibly important in terms of learning about our sense of security/stability emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

5th House: Good Fortune Joy, creativity, and self-expression flourish in the 5th House. This is where you experience the pleasures of life—love affairs, children, art, and entertainment. It’s the house of flirtation, play, and drama, where your passions come to life. The 5th House also governs leisure activities, fertility, and the pursuit of happiness through creative endeavors. A sense of nostalgia lives here too.

6th House: Bad Fortune The 6th House deals with work, health, and daily routines. It’s the space of labor, servitude, and the duties that never seem to end. This house also governs how you care for your body, deal with illness and injury, and interact with employees or pets. It’s where the unexpected challenges in life arise, requiring your attention and resilience. Look here for understanding on what great works you may find yourself committing to.

7th House: Setting Place Relationships take center stage in the 7th House. This is where you finally begin to truly engage with others, forming long-term commitments, whether in marriage, partnerships, or friendships. It’s the house of open enemies, where you face the other in life. The 7th House also governs relaxation, romance, and the deep bonds that define your connections with others.

8th House: Gate of Hades Death, transformation, and shared resources are key themes in the 8th House. It’s where you confront karma, contracts, and generational lessons. This house also deals with loans, debts, and the deep psyche—the mysteries and fears that lie beneath the surface. The 8th House is a place of soul material, where you explore the unseen and the unknown. Here, you face all consequences-positive & negative- of the 7th house and the relationships, contracts, and potential enemies made there. This is the house of others esteem of you, opposite of the 2nd.

9th House: House of God The 9th House is your portal to higher knowledge, philosophy, and spiritual exploration. It governs your worldview, ethics, and the pursuit of truth through study, travel, and discovery. This house is where you connect with religion, spirituality, and the higher mind, expanding your understanding of the world and your place in it.

10th House: House of Praxis Your public life, reputation, and career are shaped by the 10th House. It’s where you strive for honor, recognition, and achievements that define your legacy. This house also relates to your relationships with authority figures, particularly the father, and how you navigate the public sphere. The 10th House is where your goals, fame, and business acumen are realized. Sitting at the very top of the chart, like the sun at noon high in the sky, all can see you here.

11th House: Good Spirits In the 11th House, your hopes, dreams, and social networks come to life. This house governs your friendships, group affiliations, and the communities you belong to. It’s where you connect with humanity, receive sudden blessings, and find support in your aspirations. The 11th House is also associated with gifts, riches, and the imagination needed to dream big.

12th House: Bad Spirits The 12th House is a place of retreat, isolation, and self-undoing. It’s where you confront your inner shadows, secrets, and hidden enemies. This house governs institutions, mental health, and the need for solitude or seclusion. It’s also a space of psychological development, where you deal with endings, sickness, and the unseen forces that shape your life journey. This house is in a blind spot to the first house of Self and that is why we can be blind to the very things that reside here. Its not so much that these things seek out to destroy you but any area of your life your are deeply unaware of can come back and disorientate you from who you believe yourself to be.

follow for more astro insights like this and head on over to @quenysefields or etsy sensualnoiree to book a session with me :)

I want the thrill of the unknown, the fire of passion, and the raw truth that lies in chaos. I seek the beauty in flaws, the depths of laughter and pain. Let me embrace my contradictions, wrestle with my demons, and find grace in the journey. In this pursuit, I will uncover the essence of life itself.

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."

-Brave New World, by Aldous Huxley

Mind Programming

Beyond mind programming there’s nothing but space. Why this is difficult to see is because life isn’t about what you think it is. In fact life is everything you think it isn’t, but it’s not seen because of trying to figure it out with a programmed mind… Round and round the mind goes and where it stops nobody knows; this is a perfect example of the mind programming in place for most people. One…

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"Let me tell you something about nature. Nature never allows you to fall on your face if you take risks - never. It goes like this;

if you laugh you risk appearing to be a fool.

If you weep, you risk appearing to be sentimental.

If you reach out for another, you risk rejection.

If you love, you risk not being loved in return.

If you place your dreams in front of the crowd - as we do - you risk ridicule.

If you go forward in the face of overwhelming odds, you risk failure but risk must be taken for the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, has nothing, does nothing, is nothing. That person may avoid suffering, pain and embarrassment but that individual will not learn, grow, feel, love or change. Only the person who takes risks is truly free."

- Chris Eubank

Mercury Nakshatras & Manipulation

Manipulation (n) 1. “to manage or utilize skillfully.”

Mercury represents skill, precision, accuracy and overall the ability to craft one thing into another.

In Tarot, the Magician card is closely tied to the planet Mercury. Depicted on the card is a man fully supplied with the tools he needs to create infinitely.

Without Mercury, the material world would not exist as it does now. Mercury Nakshatra Natives often function as the “Magician” archetype becoming extremely skillful & successful at the material world.

ASHLESHA 🐍

These natives are skilled at manipulating the masses. Given the lunar rulership here, the Moon traditionally represents the mind and masses. It’s evident that the “hive mind” exists prominently in society, and Ashlesha natives often have a influential hand at crafting the current thoughts, ideas, trends and philosophies people follow or agree with in a mental sense. Often contributing to controlling the hive mind itself. They’re extremely persuasive and adept at verbal & non verbal communication. They can often persuade the masses to believe and listen to what they are saying, no matter what it is. Given the snake symbolism present in this Nakshatra, they tend to have hypnotic speech and articulation, usually entrancing people through communication. Their words tend to have an impact directly on other’s nervous system, which connects to the poison bite of a snake. They’re extremely skilled at psychology and prying into the minds of others. Due to this, they can manipulate even the strongest minds, hence why their intellectual influence is often seen in a global scale. It’s widely known they are skilled at manipulating the opposite sex through seduction as well. Mental strategy is one of these native’s greatest talents. Arguably one of the most popular books on mental strategy: “The 48 Laws Of Power” is written by an Ashlesha Moon native, Robert Greene. Many well known politicians, actors, speakers, authors have a primary Ashlesha placement. Since the Moon represents women, they often tend to be good at manipulating women or being influential in concepts and literature relating to women. These natives are often responsible for trendy lingo, popular terms, pop culture, and originating concepts people debate over on the internet daily. Without Ashlesha, the framework of modern media & pop culture probably wouldn’t exist as it does.

JYESTHA ☂️

Jyestha natives are skilled at manipulating the material world. They tend to be dominant, competitive and persistent. Although some natives keep these traits hidden, at their core they strive for achievement and success. They have a strong seed of desire planted within and are good at motivating themselves towards achievement. Paired with the Mars rulership of the sign Scorpio, there’s an evident ruthlessness they have with pursuing their goals. They use their sheer will power to create the reality they want for themselves, not stopping until they achieve it. They are usually seen at the top of their field or craft, dominating their competition. They’re also skilled at psychology, and can persuade and manipulate others through their words and actions. Additionally, with this Mars Rashi rulership, they’re skilled at manipulating their physical body and often excel at sports, pilates, yoga, breath work etc. They’re able to consistently push past their limit physically, mentally and psychologically. Someone known as “the greatest” in their field was NBA player, Michael Jordan, who has Jyestha Moon. We’ve also witnessed Jyestha Ascendant native, Kim Kardashian amass large wealth for herself due to her ability to manipulate her image and reputation, and consequently manipulate the masses through her impact in the media. These natives don’t quit until they win, and with the inherent dominance within them, they dominate their own weaknesses and turn them into strengths. They usually amass a lot of wealth for themselves due to their effort and insatiable appetite for success and victory. They manipulate they’re own skill set until produces results for them and in general know how to manipulate their surroundings to work in their favor.

REVATI 🥁

These natives are skilled at manipulating reality itself. If the concept of manifestation had a mascot, it would be Revati. These natives are inherently removed from reality energetically. They tend to be detached and unreachable, where they are able to see everything from an outsider’s perspective. They can often feel like aliens themselves. But it’s only from the outside perspective where we can create reality right in front of us. Being the last Nakshatra, they are adaptable and changeable to any surrounding. With the adept ability to be all things to all people. They see reality from a Birds Eye view, in a way that’s almost impossible to see without having this Nakshatra as a primary placement. Revati is the playful trickster that plays with reality for fun, testing limits and boundaries, toying with it all. To them everything in life is malleable, through this belief they do seemingly impossible things. But to the Revati native, they’re fully aware that anything is possible, and we have the power to create anything we put our minds to. Given the Jupiter rulership of the sign Pisces, these natives have a profound sense of faith and belief. Almost blindly so. But with faith being a key ingredient in the formula of manifestation, these natives use it to their advantage. Many manifestation coaches, spiritual guides, and authors/bloggers that talk about manifesting have prominent Revati in their chart. They generally have a powerful influence in spiritual and creative industries. Similar to Ashlesha, they help shape the trends of the collective consciousness.

📝In conclusion, Mercury is one of the most influential planets over the material world, and through these Nakshatras we can see Mercury’s influence manifest in various different ways. But the commonality is that these energies most prominently help to influence, shape, sculpt and manipulate reality as we know it now.

“The meaning of my existence is that life has addressed a question to me. Or, conversely, I myself am a question which is addressed to the world, and I must communicate my answer, for otherwise I am dependent upon the world’s answer.”

9th and 12th Houses - How Far is Foreign?

An insight, that adds to depth of understanding of Astrology through diving into Vedic resources is the change in perception between the 12th and the 9th house.

In popular Astrology circles, both of these houses are commonly associated with foreign lands. However, as you explore the meaning of these houses more, you begin to understand them deeper in polarity with their opposite.

The actual house of foreign, far away travel (or relocation, depending on the chart) is the 9th house. That is because the 9th house is the opposite of the 3rd house.

Say you are European, and you lived your whole life in Europe, and you travelled around different European countries to explore the continent. This is the 3rd house. It is the expansion beyond your local home country into exploring its nearest cultural environment, and at the end of such a pilgrimage, you end up with a personal understanding of your individual, cultural identity, which moves you to its emotional interpretation in the 4th house.

But then lets say you travel or move from Europe to Asia, either of the American continents, Australia…take your pick. This is the activation of the 9th house. Because you are no longer exploring just the back yard of a culture with a certain degree of similarity, you are entering a completely new physical world.

This is why houses 9, 10 and 11, and 12th to an extent, are found in charts of famous people. You need to be able to participate in an energy, an idea, that is going to spread into foreign lands to truly be famous. This applies even if we’re talking about online success, which is the way people get recognition nowadays. Otherwise, you are at best a local singer on your continent or your country’s music festival. There is nothing wrong with that of course, as many people love to contribute to their community and they’re happy doing so, but it’s still an accurate observation. You need to be able to go far away, not strictly physically but energetically, to touch a variety of people from many cultures.

You might wonder, how does the 12th house fit into this? Clearly, it’s part of the whole 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th house group, so it should also rule foreign lands. But the 12th house is actually more than that. The 12th house rules a fantastical, foreign idea, that might not necessarily be grounded in the immediate physical, but is nevertheless energetically real and can be accessed from anywhere. It’s the idea of the collective emotional consciousness, that may not have the most quick and obvious material manifestation but is nevertheless a very real thing existing within this Universe.

Up until the 11th house, through 9th and 10th, we are dealing with more or less tangible ideas regarding foreign lands. Let’s say in the 9th house you relocated to a completely foreign culture, in the 10th house you found a way to tangibly join the most prominent physical environment of the world through that culture, in the 11th house you met some of the most prominent, affluent people in the world. I don’t have any 11th house planets, but to give you an idea of how it works, my husband has Venus conjunct Mars in the 11th house, we live in the Las Vegas area, and he plays sports and is casually friendly with some of the wealthiest people in the world, who own successful businesses, own several properties across the world, and spend a lot of their time either making a lot of money or travelling the world, or both. We are not one of those people, but it should give you an idea of what the 11th house is. It’s the creme de la creme of the physical world. I don’t personally interact much with these people, as they are my husband’s friends, not mine, and I don’t play sports with them, but I have a deep awareness of how advanced socially and financially this particular group is, having travelled to many poorer parts of the world. There are people in this world, starving, so in comparison to them, the 11th house society is the top 1% of 1%.

You might think, well, the 11th house is everything, so how can the 12th house be more? The 12th house is more because it sells something even the 11th house people can’t resist, it sells the ultimate fantasy.

In the 12th house we move on to people so wealthy, they barely even interact with others. We move to intangible concepts, physical areas and objects, that provoke people to spend obscene amounts of money simply due to some idea. The 12th house is not just real foreign travel like the 9th house, it is the embodiment of the realisation of all fantasies. That is why Venus is so happy in the 12th house, because it enjoys the ultimate idea of fantastical luxury.

The foreign area that we travel to in the 12th house is not this globe, it is deep inside us. By the time we realise all our fantasies in the 11th house we can feel tired, or even jaded. But in the 12th house we are stimulated to all of our secret, hidden desires being provoked and coming true. This can be done not only within our home, within our room, but completely within our minds. Those, who are successful in the 12th house are those, who made those fantasies concrete enough to realise them and live within them.

What if you could taste and smell the finest perfume created on this planet from purely natural oils? What if you could touch the finest fabrics, created in corners of the world you never even dreamed of? What if you could live this dream, every day, surrounded by an infinite kaleidoscope of the pinnacle of perfection achieved by our planet until this time? “What if?” is the exotic, “foreign”, “far away” dream of the 12th house, and a well realised 12th house is a dream come true.

To offer up an example, in the last few years, youtubers living in rural areas from all over the world have popped up on the internet, offering videos from their seemingly idyllic life. That is the definition of the 12th house fantasy, devoid of the actually reality of having to take the 9th house physical pilgrimage of travelling to rural China and enduring all the difficulties involved with facing the reality of such a location. It may seem idealised, yet the source material for filming is real, so while it may be distant from the viewers geographically, while it may cost the locals a lot of work, it is nevertheless part of an actual, existing reality.

This dream, that can seem excessive to a mundane mind, becomes even clearer in the context of the 12th house’s polarity, the 6th house. The 6th house is the tough battle of dealing with the ugliness and conflict of this world. That is the reality of this physical world for most of us, we get up every day and deal with conflicts, that we have in front of us. It is exhausting, and so the 12th house is everything that heals and soothes the pain of any conflict that ravaged us in the 6th house. It’s the world offering no resistance, it’s all boundaries being breached. After all, in our dreams, or fantasies, we want everything to be perfect and smooth.

Ironically enough, the karaka of the 12th house is Saturn. As someone with significant 12th house influence, it is pretty clear to me why. In order to have only the finest dream come true, to really live in a beautiful fantasy, one actually needs to do a lot of research, be picky, critical and have background expertise and know-how. Otherwise, even as just a consumer, you would be easily fooled, hoodwinked into a fake product, or end up overpaying on something, that is not worth the money you invest into it. Scrutiny of Saturn is necessary for our fantasies to be smooth. It is not something, that is given to us that easily. Saturn also rules isolation, and if the 9th house is foreign, the 12th house is the pinnacle of remote. The 9th house is what is foreign and exciting to us, mentally and physically, but the 12th house represents the most remote corners of both the physical world, and our minds.

This is why the 12th house is the furthest away from the 1st house, our basic, natural, physical life. Because the furthest thing on this planet is not just a foreign continent, it’s a journey inside our minds and emotions, the ability to blend discernment and internal surrender to divine perfection, that leads to manifestation. It is the full depth of untapped potential on the very bottom of our subconscious, a research and response to all collective energetic resources available on the planet, a gold mine waiting to be explored, exploited, and enjoyed. And it is tapping into this gold mine, that has the power to tempt, seduce, and attract people from all around the world into directing their energy towards us, even if we’re physically just sitting in our room, far away from them.

The cost of betraying one's self

For the last three years, I've felt like I had to relearn who I was, relearn lessons that were imbued upon me from childhood (through self-reflection as an adult), I've had to relearn societal rules (through awkwardly fubbling through social interactions), and whether I even want to abide by these social rules or not. More and more, I start understanding my past self and accepting her after years of rejecting and being embarrassed of her, as I come back into myself. But I feel like I began navigating this rebirth in the wrong manner.

I approached it in a manner in which I believed there were objectively a right and wrong way of doing "life", in part due to having befriended certain people that thought that who I was, how I thought and how I sought to navigate the world were wrong because it did not make sense to them, but also by accepting and internalising their critiques instead of recognising them as very strong subjective opinions. While I could be very stubborn, I also had a porous mind. I feel like it is in my nature to be attracted to anyone who wants to bestow me with any new knowledge or different perspectives that I can mull over, being a mrigashira native. The only issue was that instead of giving me new perspectives, they belittled and ridiculed my thought processes. And I knew that they were opinions to begin with, but the more I recognised that the world around me agreed with them, the more I started to question whether how I perceived the world around me was "correct".

I watched a video by Claire Nakti that spoke about people copying you/stealing your destiny, and she gave an analogy that went along the lines of, "when you decide to take in information that someone else has discovered, instead of eating the fruits of knowledge that they consumed, you end up eating the excrement of the people who ate the fruit" (I said it in a far my crass manner but you get the gist of what I'm saying). Not only do you not take in the full knowledge or wisdom, but you will also often misinterpret what you are hearing and seeing, and subsequently impose these incorrectly understood lessons and ideas onto your life, and potentially others, because you have not made sense of these lessons from your own point of view, nor attained the wisdom, through experience, attached to these lessons. But not only that, you end up not living out your own destiny by attempting to steal another's. This is probably why incredibly wise people are usually portrayed as very old in media. Someone that has lived that long has had many many experiences but also the time to learn and wisen due to them.

I'm not going to speak on this too much because ultimately, you could always just go watch Claire's video for more information on Ketu and Rahu, and it's relation to making sense of the world with the knowledge you came into the world with, and also your own acquired wisdom that one gains as you navigate the world. Going back to my own personal story, I will not say whether my friends interpretations of the world were "correct" or "incorrect", or whether now that I'm in a different state of mind, I agree with them. What I will speak on is the danger of betraying oneself in the pursuit of really anything. For me, it was the pursuit of social acceptance and assimilation into spaces that may not have been for me and in spaces, that I myself may not have wanted to be in, if I were being honest with myself.

We all likely have friendships in which we have much in common with our friends, and also differ in many ways from. I've always wonder why I had friendship groups in which we differed in many ways, and this always fascinated me, and I could never make sense as to why our friendships worked. Maybe I enjoyed these friendships because they always had people with differing ideas to that of my own that made me really "think" and question my own view points, that's these friendships were stimulating, as I am a person that loves to question. My friendship with these two particular friends hinged on a shared love of similar music and interests as most friendships do but differed in how we perceived the world greatly. Instead of agreeing to disagree, my friends sought to change my perspective through belittling, triangulation, and bullying. I recognised that I wasn't happy in the friendship, but I stayed in that relationship, longer than I should have, due to fear of being alone. COVID came around, and I thought I would spend the year 2020 "fixing" myself, as many other people sought to do. I threw myself into a ton of psychology content so I could psycho-analyse myself and effectively learn where I needed to improve in myself and my approach to my interpersonal relationships. What made the whole process near impossible, is that I was dealing with a severe case of moral perfectionism, in which I thought that the times in my past in which I had caused harm to people, were like blemishes on my being that I could never get rid of, like they would haunt me for my entire life, and would never be able to separate myself from having been that person. You can't move on from past versions of yourself if you think you'll always be tethered to them. Also, trying to take in all this knowledge, that didn't resonate with me at the time, was also incredibly overwhelming, but also useless, and I could never incorporate what I learnt effectively into my life, because it did not come naturally to me. I honestly blame myself for having bought into the ideas surrounding cancel culture, because if you're not willing to forgive and allow someone to move on with their lives after having made past mistakes, how can you do that for yourself?

I also really got into astrology, so I could learn how to read my birth chart with the sole purpose of understanding what my flaws and shortcomings were in this lifetime so I could correct them. I had spent a great deal of my adolescence being bullied by age-mates and even past friends and I think these experiences also informed this idea that there had to be something fundamentally wrong with me to have experienced all of it, and that if I could dig into myself and expel it from my being, I could subsequently be treated better by the world.

Slight sedgeway from the video, but I want to say that once, I was speaking to my mom, and I asked her if I should change my approach on a specific situation I was experiencing, and she told me not to allow people to change who I am, meaning don't allow other people's behaviour towards you change who you are, and how you would react to a situation. By allowing someone to influence your behaviour, or "matching their energy", you're giving someone else power over yourself, and how you would actually react to a situation if you were being your authentic self, which could be a big price to pay for simply wanting to stroke your ego. Also, when you have to answer for your behaviour or words, you'd feel a lot more confident in your past actions by actually believing in what you've done and said, instead of it coming from a place of fear, in some cases, or ego.

So, getting back to trying "to fix" myself; in trying to do so, I think I experienced the actual death of my mind and soul. I should mention that I have always had a habit of ridding myself of the past to make way for who I want to be in the present (I'm not sure if this is due in part to my heavy pluto influence in my chart), example, I always liked getting rid of old art because I had discovered a different art style. And so my nature of always wanting to start completely anew or on a clean slate had ultimately bit me in the ass, because in my bid to "fix myself", I found that I had rid myself of everything about my being; my personality, my opinions, my temperaments, the things I cared about, the things that drive me.

I really didn't know who I was or what I believed in. I had no idea what kind of person I was even trying to work towards being because I sought to destroy the foundations, that I had taken years, leaving me with no real basis to start with but also leaving me an empty shell or husk.

I spent a year and a half in a state of derealisation and depersonalisation. I existed in a state of limbo. When you experience depersonalisation and derealisation, it's like being underwater. You can't process information as well. I honestly don't know how I got through my third year in that state. You're never really present, and even when you perceive things going on around you, you sense these things, but sometimes you don't really process them in your mind. It's like the saying, "going through one ear and out the other." I think it's relevant to mention that I had no hobbies and I found that I struggled listening to new music, in fact I found myself wanting to listen to music that my dad would play when we were children, almost as a form of comfort, but also (and this ties back to the whole premise of this post) as if I had regressed to being a child again. When I came out of that state, I found that I had to relearn a lot of things, that I most likely knew before but just couldn't remember, almost like I was starting over again, from the beginning.

And by the way, this is not a sob story. I knowingly betrayed myself by being in a relationship with people who I knew did not truly like or accept me for who I was but I unknowingly betrayed my soul by completely destroying the growth that I had made up until I would said my 19th year. And why I mentioned Claire Nakti's video earlier is because ultimately, what I would like you take away from this message, is that on the one side, there is a lot to learn from others, but in your pursuit of knowledge, make sure that even when you seek to learn from others, that their messages resonate with you, so as not to be led astray. Also, become comfortable with walking the path less travelled, especially when it resonates with you. I was so set on being accepted that I completely neglected the voice that told me that the ideas being imposed onto me didn't resonate with me, that I didn't actually like the people I desperately wanted to approve of me, that who they were was not who I wanted to be, nor wanted to be associated with anyway. Essentially, if you've ever been through what I've been through, my advice to all of us, actually really for anyone, is to worry less about whether you're getting it "right", and to worry more about whether it feels right to you.

Subsequently, making this discovery also made me wonder how I would raise my children, like would I act as a guide or assistant. Growing up, my parents furiously imposed their beliefs onto us as children, which I subsequently rejected, not only because it didn't make sense to me at the time, but also because I needed to gain my own understanding to really develop these beliefs for myself. And so the way I think I'll go about parenting my children, is to gently advice them, so they would be more accepting of the advice but also try to ensure that I'm giving them these lessons in a manner that they can understand and make sense of for themselves, and not be frustrated when they decide to make decisions that go against my advice because ultimately, people learn better from experience than being told what to do, especially children. Life isn't a test, it's an experience, you're allowed to fuck up, you're allowed to become a different person overnight, don't rush the process, because ultimately, the destination will be there when you finally get there.

It almost feels like I am having a similar experience to Bella Baxter from 'Poor Things', in the sense of discovering the world, one' s self, how the world reacts to me and how I subsequently react to the world, anew. The only difference being that I had a detailed understanding of my past self, that made my relearning of myself and the world staggered, as I desperately attempted to cling onto who I once was, once I realised that I had completely destroyed the version of myself that I loved and respected. In pursuit of social acceptance and really, self-acceptance, I had completely forgotten how much had gone into me being who I was and how hard I had worked to become that person. Bella Baxter had the advantage of not having any reference for who she was "meant" to be. The friends she met on the boat and in France liked her for her uniqueness. It makes me very cognisant of the saying, "When you attempt to be like someone else, you're robbing the world of yourself." It's very true. So, while I would never advocate for complete isolation, I would say, try to process things on your own, without outside opinions or potential influences.

"There is a kind of sadness that comes from knowing too much, from seeing the world as it truly is. It is the sadness of understanding that life is not a grand adventure, but a series of small, insignificant moments, that love is not a fairy tale, but a fragile, fleeting emotion, that happiness is not a permanent state, but a rare, fleeting glimpse of something we can never hold onto. And in that understanding, there is a profound loneliness, a sense of being cut off from the world, from other people, from oneself..."

Virginia Woolf 📓 To the Lighthouse