My Arospec Journey

My arospec journey

From a young age I literally always had a "crush". It was this compulsive force and, as I now understand, very much overcompensation. It wasn't until about two years ago, when I was 24, that I began to really understand this. And even now there are some aspects I don't fully understand.

This constantly "crushing" on people was influenced by amatonormativity, heteronormativity, and my own escapist tendencies. It was a defense mechanism, not only to appear "normal" but also to distract from my mental health issues. Finding out about aromanticism, as well as therapy, has helped me to find and to be my truest self.

Looking back now I realize that I never actually felt romantic attraction. The relationships I had brought me pleasure because I liked the attention and certain aspects of the relationships. I like being affectionate and having someone to do stuff with. I've noticed my tendency to choose to crush on someone based on my current obsession and like state of mind or sense of self. I realized that other people don't do that. For example, I like the Weasley twins and sometimes I'm more into Fred, sometimes it's George. 

I have been in love, or something similar, with two people. With the one who happened to be a girl, it was more like queerplatonic love. I felt this strong desire to be platonic life partners and spend my life with her. I also wanted to be both sensual and sexual with her. I was already best friends with her but I wanted there to be some sort of emotional commitment. But none of this was romantic. With the guy it wasn't as straight forward. We were friends and I wanted to be more. I wanted to be his life partner but it wasn't 100% platonic or 100% romantic. There were times it seemed more in the middle of the two or it veered more towards one of them. I mostly just wanted to be with him but sometimes I felt a desire to marry him. I felt sensual and sexual desire for him as well. This may have been queerplatonic love influenced by amatonormativity tbh. It took me years to get over him and the heartbreak that occurred.

With other people I felt/feel some emotional attraction to it's not as intense. For some it's more of an extra affectionate friendship and the associated feelings don't occur unless I think about them. I don't usually have long lasting "crushes". There's only one I can think of that wasn't detailed above. That one was queerplatonic in nature and was almost casual in a way. Definitely more of a "crush" than being "in love". 

When it's more along the lines of the affectionate friendship attraction, I think of them as cute and want to hug them a lot. I want to be friends with them but also have aesthetic attraction towards them. I don't think of them sexually or want to be life partners.

With people I feel a desire to be life partners with I tend to daydream about them from time to time. I want to be their priority and to be their favorite person, since that's how I feel about them. I want to share my life with them. I want to live together and share the same bed. I want intimacy, emotional and physical. I want to kiss them and to cuddle with them. I would be willing to marry them, though it's not something I desire for myself. I feel warm and excited when I think about them and when I interact with them. They're my special person.