Low Key(holding)

Levels of Orgasm Control and Chastity - A Guide for 'Vanilla' Keyholders

There are many different kinds of orgasm control. The chastity/denial/control dynamic exists on a spectrum and - as you will see from the countless resources online - there is no one 'right answer'. I've had a large number of DMs requesting variations of the blog posts that I have put out there so far - many of which ask for a 'watered down' version that they can take to their significant other as a way to start the chastity / orgasm control conversation. The most interesting questions are from more typically 'vanilla' wives and girlfriends who have clearly been sent my blog by their husbands / boyfriends and are at a loss to find ways to make this dynamic work. So this article will be a very basic guide to a 'gentle' start in this space to see if you and your partner can make it work.

Starting Out

In most cases in this dynamic, the man has initiated this conversation. First off - well done to him for plucking up the courage to tell you about his desires and fantasies. He's probably been thinking about it for ages and it's healthy to have this openness and vulnerability in a relationship.

Secondly, the most important thing to remember, is that he is proposing that you take the reins in terms of your sexual play. This is crucial, because if you truly take the reins, it means that you don't have to do exactly what he is proposing. You can, and should, put your own spin on things.

Teasing, denial and chastity are all essentially about orgasm control. This means that you man is saying to you that he would like you to take charge of when and how he orgasms. It's as simple as that. If you choose to participate and make this part of your play, this should be the starting point of all of your decisions. So, I'll say it again: "This is about you taking charge of when and how he orgasms."

Again, Why Does He Want This?

I am not going to spend much time on this question, as there are other posts and many resources about this online. However, the cliff notes:

"Not orgasming" for a long period has a profound, often positive, impact over a male's hormones and headspace.

Giving you control may be a turn on for him.

It spices things up in long term relationships.

Some men use it to break habits like masturbation / porn.

It helps a lot of men focus more, exercise more and sleep better.

It's sexy and fun to have you in control.

etc.

There are many benefits for you as the female, but again, these have been outlined ad nauseam. More cliff notes:

No pressure on you for sex

However, you get sex when and how you want it.

Cages look sexy

You set the rules

You can often 'redirect' the male's sexual energy into other things like service, massages, exercising and more.

etc

The Spectrum of Orgasm Control

Here is an opinionated view on the 'levels' of orgasm control you can choose from (or blend) if you and your man decide to give this thing a spin.

All orgasm control dynamics operate under the premise that your man is simply not allowed to orgasm without your permission. Should it be during sex, play or even him masturbating, he must wait for your express permission before he goes over the edge.

Chastity cages often play a role in this spectrum because they serve as a constant reminder and/or partial barrier that the male's choice to orgasm is no longer his own.

1. Not Locked

Here, the male does not wear a chastity cage and is free to touch, pleasure and edge himself at will. He is simply not allowed to come.

This is the simplest form of orgasm control for you as there's no cage component, but, interestingly, it's extremely difficult for him, as it relies purely on his evolution-proven, questionable sexual self control. It requires Buddha-level quantities of zen for most males to not sneak an orgasm while unlocked after 2-3 weeks of denial.

In my view, a major benefit of using chastity in this dynamic is that it is impossible for him to get hard while locked. This reality really keeps his erotic urges in check.

2. Self-locked

Here, you say to your man that you encourage, or are happy, for him to wear a chastity cage during his denial periods, but the locking and management thereof is purely up to him. There is no need to communicate about the lock ups, and the male is using this on his own accord to help control his desires.

This is a good place to start for couples beginning their chastity play which you both get the hang of things, and is also often a landing spot for those looking only for the lowest admin play.

3. Sometimes Locked

Here, you as the female will be more active in the lock up process - primarily by instructing your male to lock up for a specific period of time. You will decide the parameters for when it will be locked on, and when it will be removed, and the male is not allowed to unlock without your permission. In most cases here, you will actually physically keep the key, aka become the 'keyholder'.

This is probably the most 'standard' version of chastity that is practiced by couples, as it is more collaborative in nature. The male may be locked for portions of each month, 'every now and then', for trips, for events like 'Locktober' or 'No Nut November' or for randomly timed durations decided upon by the keyholder.

This is most 'active' version of keyholding as you will be steering the decision-making here. It's also potentially the most fun as there is an uncertainty and anticipation on the part of the male which is hugely exciting for them.

4. Default Locked

In this situation, the expectation is that the male is locked unless there is a clear exception in the form of agreed instances where he can be unlocked - like doctor's appointments, cleaning, certain sports, or airport security. Or, of course, if you want him to be unlocked for sexual reasons. There no need to define a lockup period, because there is no a 'period', per se. He's locked and can only unlock for pre-defined reasons or emergencies.

This is a more intense version of chastity for the male, but is significantly easier for you as the keyholder, as you don't need to set or manage lock up or release periods.

When Default mode is on, you will allow your man to unlock for his doctor's appointment, and then he will relock when it's over. You may unlock him for sex, but as soon as it's over, he will refit the cage immediately. No need for discussions or negotiations, and no questions asked.

Locking Pragmatics

Some keyholders are fans of dealing with the cage all that much, and enforce their keyholding by telling their man to lock themselves and present them the key.

Some keyholders really enjoy this little ritual, and like doing the cage fitting themselves.

Some keyholders want to avoid having their man touch or even see their unlocked penis at all, so will have their men bound and blindfolded at all times when the cage is unlocked.

Again, this is a spectrum. Pick and choose.

I'm Super 'Vanilla' - Where Should I Start?

Short answer - wherever you like.

But my recommendation? I would start in the 'Sometimes Locked' space. Let your man do the locking up part. Try it for a couple of weeks per month - maybe something like the first two weeks of the month are 'locked' weeks. Get a sense of how things go, what you like and what you don't like.

If your man tries to talk you out of your suggested lock up period, or tries to 'top from the bottom', then remind him that you will do this by your rules or not at all. Trust is everything here, and remember that it's ultimately about having a good time.

Expand your Knowledge

Read some other articles or blogs about some of the ins, outs and practicalities.

Communicate, tease, be selfish, have fun!

How to allow Release

Now that you have a few ideas when to let your husband ejaculate, I will briefly discuss how you let him ejaculate. Like always this is totally up to you as the keyholder, but don’t be afraid to be creative!

During Penis-in-Vagina Sex

I discourage this one because I feel that sex and ejaculation need to be separated to avoid accidents. We have sex several times per week and ejaculation is never expected and rarely a topic of conversation. But if you do enjoy the feeling of him ejaculating inside you, then you can of course go ahead and allow him. From there, I put the chastity device back on and then we either fall asleep together or roll over and watch TV together.

Blowjobs

Again, whether you want to give him blowjobs is up to you. Even if you do, you don’t have to keep going until he ejaculates. I personally don’t really enjoy giving blowjobs. I gave him a lot of them before we got married, and even swallowed, but after we got married, I gradually reduced their frequency and limited them to foreplay only. Since we started chastity, I haven’t given him any nor do I plan to do so – and I even like to tease him about the fact that he can only blame himself because he was the one who approached me with the idea of chastity. On the other hand, I know a woman who will only let her boyfriend cum when she gives him a blowjob. Her logic is that blowjobs are his favourite and hence, on the rare occasion that he is allowed release, she wants to give him maximum pleasure.

Handjobs

This is the main method I use to make my husband cum. You want to make it about you and not him. It’s no longer his orgasm, it’s your game – you’ve got control of the joystick and he’s here for your fun. Here are some ideas to spice things up:

Timer

You can allow your husband a certain amount of time, for example, if his last ejaculation was two weeks ago, you could give him two minutes to cum. If he doesn’t make it in time, he will be re-locked and you can tell him with a big grin that he was obviously not horny enough and should be locked up a bit longer next time. Some women challenge themselves to make their man cum as quickly as possible, which with a sufficiently horny man may just take a few seconds! Alternatively, you could give him a handjob but tell him to last at least a certain amount of time. If he doesn’t manage to last long enough, he will be “punished” (you can decide how). You can also combine this with post-orgasm stimulation, for example you tell him you will stimulate him for ten minutes, and even if he comes after five you will keep stroking for the remaining five minutes.

Playful submission

This can be a lot of fun and you can be really creative here. Some ideas:

Give him a handjob while you are acting extremely bored and reading something on your phone

Do it while he is completely naked and you are not

Tell him to put a condom on before you give him a handjob or blowjob. This also avoids a big mess, so strongly recommended!

Tie his hands and blindfold him

Make him please you orally

Make him eat it after he cums

Include the balls

This is something you should probably discuss with your husband first, but it’s a lot of fun. For example, you could frequently interrupt your stroking to give his balls a few slaps, or you could stroke him with one hand while you squeeze his balls with the other one.

Post-orgasm stimulation

This is when you don’t stop stroking after he cums. When a man orgasms, his glans soon begins feeling extra sensitive and wants to be left alone. If you keep stroking and rubbing his glans he will be overwhelmed by the intense feeling. You may need to restrain his hands before! But don’t worry, what you’re doing is completely harmless. I love the irony that he has been looking forward to a handjob for such a long time, and now that I’m doing it it’s suddenly “too much”. Too funny!

Edging

Stimulate your husband until he reaches the edge of orgasm – then pause or dramatically slow down your play to prevent him from climaxing. You can do this many times in a row. This is extremely pleasurable for him, because it prolongs his pleasure and ultimately gives him a much stronger orgasm when compared to regular sex when you finally decide to let him pop – although, of course, you can always change your mind and lock him back up before that happens.

Touchless orgasm / release

This is when you stimulate him until just before the “point of no return” and then remove your hand and stop all stimulation. If you time it right, instead of ejaculating in “bursts”, the semen flows effortlessly down the penis – hence they are also misleadingly called “ruined” orgasms. If done correctly, he will still be horny afterwards and will stay hard as a rock, still wanting more, even though he just ejaculated. Touchless orgasms are great when you want to give him an orgasm but still leave him horny when you lock him back up. Or, if you plan to have an all-night love-making session but you are afraid that he will cum to quickly, you can start your evening with a touchless orgasm. I found this great article explaining why a touchless orgasm means prolonged pleasure for both of you and how to do it (contains explicit pictures!) – some quotes below:

“The so-called “ruined” orgasm is one of the most intensely pleasurable, toe-curling, sweat-inducing, back-arching, fist-clenching, teeth-gnashing, brain-bending tricks you can use in the bedroom to drive your man into an animal sexual frenzy. It is also perhaps the least understood and most underused method of extending and delivering pleasure to both partners. If you can master this you will feel more empowered and satisfied than ever. I promise!!! (…) The Name Is Misleading: It’s Still an Orgasm! (…) A properly ruined orgasm is STILL potentially more intense than a normal orgasm! It’s not “ruined” at all! It feels profoundly different to him, but it still feels great – especially if you use it as a tool to extend your lovemaking! (…) Don’t feel bad about ruining your man’s orgasm!!! I simply cannot say it enough.”

“Whereas a normal orgasm causes him to go limp and enter what doctors call the “refractory period” where he is no longer motivated to have sex, a ruined orgasm has the opposite effect – it causes him to stay hard, fully aroused, hyper-energized, and HIGHLY motivated to have sex. (…) But that’s not all. (…) Simply put… a man who’s been ruined once or twice (or more!) in a single night can fuck you harder and longer than you ever thought possible. (…) Basically, a ruined orgasm (or three) multiplies his sexual endurance for the rest of the night, without reducing his desire. In fact, it amplifies his desire, because he gets to experience a higher pleasure plateau than he would normally be capable of experiencing!”

“To bend your man’s brain and give him truly epic ruined orgasms, you need to know his body very, very well. You need to study his specific sequence of escalating physical pleasure signals, to identify the first possible moment in the sequence where you can let go and cause him to still cascade through climax. Arched back, tensed muscles, grunts, whimpers, pulsing cock, retracted balls – every man has his signals. (…) Instead of letting go “at the last second” you actually want to let go as early as possible. You want him to hang, untouched, on the verge of climax, for as long as physically possible, before his body reflexively sends him over. Do it correctly, and his cum should just dribble out, under weak contractions. (…) With good communication, you can find the perfect timing together, by working your way “backwards” from the moment of his orgasm. Start by having him tell you, out loud, when he hits what he believes to be his point-of-no-return.”

“Back off at exactly that moment. (…) However, men always misjudge their own point-of-no-return. (…) In order to find his true point-of-no-return, you need to study the cascade of physical reactions happening in his body in the precious seconds before he calls “stop.” Then, night after night, progressively work your way backward through that cascade, stopping sooner and sooner, on your own (without him telling you when to “stop”), until you find the point where he doesn’t climax at all. Then, night after night, slowly and very carefully work your way forward again, until you find the point where he lingers for 5 to 15 seconds, untouched, before leaking uncontrollably. (…) Basically the power of his “cumshot” is a clue to help you know if you’re doing it right (weaker is better) (…) Another huge clue that you’re “doing it right” will be in his refractory period – or lack of one. After a typical good ruined orgasm, his cock should not “wilt” at all. He should stay aroused, erect, and eager for more action.”

“Please don’t let your hard work go to waste by feeling like you have to give him a normal orgasm eventually, don’t give in to a sense of guilt!!!. That will just cut your night short. (…) I allow him to have orgasms, but he can only have them on my terms. That means… when I want him to have a “normal” orgasm, I give him a “normal” orgasm. The rest of the time? I either tease and deny him, or I ruin him. He never knows what I plan to do until I do it. (…) I can choose to “finish” him. Or I can choose to “ruin” him. He gives that choice to me, willingly, lovingly, every time. It is his love letter to me – the single greatest gift he is physically capable of offering – and I cherish it. I respect it. I handle it with utmost love and care. And it makes me a fuller, more confident, more satisfied, happier woman. It makes our marriage stronger, and I adore him for it. I would also like to point out that once I mastered the ruined orgasm my husband is actually more disappointed with a normal orgasm because of his refractory period. It may sound counter-intuitive but a normal orgasm is actually the outcome he likes the least, despite it being the thing he craves most desperately when his “primitive horny brain” is in charge.”

Keep him guessing.

Every single time you touch his penis, he should never know if you intend to edge him, ruin him, or give him a full orgasm. Lie to him. Tell him you’re going to stop, then don’t. Or tell him you’re going to ruin him, then give him a full orgasm. Or congratulate him on the orgasm you’re about to give him, then “change your mind” and stop for the night. This only works if you also sometimes tell the truth.

Masturbation

Some women don’t like their man touching himself down there, either because they find his masturbation unattractive or because they want him to “forget” how to do it. But other women like letting him masturbate as they like to watch or because they are feeling a bit lazy and don’t want to lift a finger themselves. In any case I would discourage you from allowing him to masturbate when he is alone (for example, sending him to the bathroom for a quick wank); instead, he should always do it in your presence. Also, if you allow him to masturbate, there should be a time limit (never more than a few minutes) so you can make sure he only cums when is very horny.

https://happy-marriage.neocities.org/

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