I Know Too Much

“Do you have to do that here?”

Regulus looked up from his plate. They were halfway through lunch and Regulus had been trying to tweak an essay before his next class. “Do what? My homework?” He asked.

“No,” Sirius hissed and gestured at Regulus with a wave of his hand. “Do you have to wear that thing in front of all of us? We’re trying to eat, Reg.”

“Why would my jacket stop you from eating?”

“It’s not your jacket! It’s James’ jacket. His favourite jacket - and you wearing it in front of everyone is basically like having public sex. Nobody wants to watch their little brother have public sex, Regulus!”

Regulus blinked. Sixteen years had made him accustomed to his brother’s eccentricities. James, on the other hand, was looking slightly pale. “If me wearing James' jacket is like having public sex, what is giving Remus a handy in potions?”

“A good time,” Said Remus, before going back to his tea.

“How do you even know about that?” Sirius asked. His eyes shot to James’ guilty face.

James shrugged. “I like to share my trauma.”

Clicking his tongue, Sirius turned back to Regulus. “Take off the jacket.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

—The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde

this is my favourite favourite favourite … LINGER NEAR THE DOOR UNCOMFORTABLY INSTEAD OF JUST LEAVING …. FORGET YOUR SCARF ….

“The number of hours we have together is actually not so large. Please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. Please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it.”

and sometimes when i think a meteor should destroy earth, us, i stop and remember.

i remeber there are still people who read on the subway. i remember there are little boys switching r to w when they speak. i remember there are old couples who still speak german because it was the first language they learned at the small german colony where they were born. i remember there are girls scared to make it official. and boys and girls in the path of falling in love with eachother. and boys in love who live together with their cats like an old married couple. and beautiful boys who play bass at church.

i remember there are big fluffy dogs the next doors. i remember someone still has lot of paper cranes to make before one thousand. i remember there are songs to be played in a guitar and to be sang to a crowd. i remember there are boybands yet to go huge. i remember there are museums holding so much art that is just waiting to be seen again tomorrow. i remember there are writers yet to show their writings to the world and love confessions yet to be made to beautiful boys who play bass at church.

i remember there are volleyball matches to be played in a couple of days. i remember there are ice cream flavors just waiting to be created. i remember there are people waiting to be bumped on and make friends with the bumper. i remember there are college professors with a lot of dad jokes to make and interesting remarks about your country's literature to teach.

i remeber there are big brothers living away from their little sisters who want to see them again. i remember there are parents counting the days to travel abroad to see the son they haven't seen in a couple of years. i remember that there are cousins who don't talk anymore just wanting a little bit of courage to reach out to eachother.

i remeber there is an ocean waiting for children to play in it tomorrow and waiting for new sailors to depart in their first journey. and a sky waiting for more planes to cross it and for rockets to leave it. and sunflowers waiting to be loved by teenagers just as much as they were loved by a dutch painter over a century ago. and dandellions waiting to carry people's whishes to the divinity they believe in.

so when i want a meteor to destroy us, i remember there are so many things a breath away from happening if we let the planet and its people live. there are so many things we get to appreciate and can keep appreciating if we let our planet and our people live

so when i want a meteor to destroy us i roll up my sleeves and fight for my planet and my people the way i can. there are things already lost, but we can pick up what we can save and show them what truly makes us human

ADHD pro tip: Use psychological warfare on yourself.

For example, in order to do long tasks, like folding laundry, I put on the Mario Hat:

The main feature of the Mario hat is that my headset does not fit over it, so when The Bees™ try to put me back in front of the screen, the headset issue forces me to remember why I put the Mario hat on, and back to the task I go

As a bonus, the Mario hat is also a very clear indicator to my housemates that business is getting done, and they have learned not to distract me when I'm wearing the "goofy-ass cosplay hat"

It's not stupid if it works.

Regulus: Why are Sirius and Remus sitting with their backs to each other?

James: They had a fight.

Regulus: Then why are they still holding hands?

James: Sirius get sad when they fight.

i loooove being able to say i don't know what you're talking about when people tell me things happening on tiktok

u know. funeral phoebe bridgers made me insane for extremely obvious reasons but specifically “last night i passed out in my car and woke up in my childhood bed. wishing i was someone else feeling sorry for myself then i remember someones kid is dead.” bc its just. the terrible self-loathing of being affected by crises when those crises are happening to other people. im not dead. i feel terrible because someone is dead, but it isn’t me. how to epitomize the horrible in betweenness of young adulthood. stifled by the constructs of childhood but wishing desperately for the security of it. the concentricity of personal crises and coming of age. and at the end of the of it all, someone’s kid is dead. and someone’s kid will always be dead. 

everything is so so significant to me how am i supposed to live