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i understand people who have periods wanting to learn more about how the menstrual cycle affects their body and being mindful of certain things, what i hate is turning it into something divine and transcendent. it's just a bodily function! what's next? finding the divine in my piss? me and my feminine piss.

peter parker babygirl extraordinaire

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

Embarrassed myself a few days ago and since then I've been periodically going like this

Ignore the part where he gets naked that's not part of it.

The myth of Sergey Ushanka isn't true at all. There was no tragic computer scientist with a degenerative brain disease who tried to upload his consciousness to a hard-drive. The Sergey Ushanka video is really just Colin Becher getting so fed up with FR3-d1 that he fucking ate his computer.

Insane things that Will did that make him much worse than Hannibal:

He had a gun with him when Hannibal stabbed him and he didn't even try to fight back, he let himself be held as his bowls were falling out

He foreplayed with his therapist during therapy

He had to be stopped from shooting a guy crawling out of a horse all because he had psychosexual rage towards his therapist and wanted to take it out on the guy he was supposed to catch

Flew to Europe to sneak around Hannibal's old property, called the scar on his stomach a 'smile' and forced Chiyoh to kill the guy she's been keeping a prisoner because he wanted to see what she would do, then turned his corpse into a grotesque art piece with no witnesses to that

He sailed to Europe and told the detective there that 'he doesn't know what he'll do when he sees Hannibal so he should be careful' ?? (brother you're there to catch Hannibal....)

He sat with Hannibal in the gallery saying the most romantic shit ever, failed to stab him and then he just let Hannibal dig the bullet out and drug him??? (you can't convince me he didn't have an ounce of energy to fight back or see that coming mr I tell the future with senses)

He started combing his hair back after Hannibal tried to saw open his brain... ok whore

He got jealous when Hannibal started admiring a serial killer

He never once complained about eating Hannibal's cooking & he KNEW it was people...

sometimes you just need to be distributed by rusty quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution non commercial share-alike 4.0 international licence

Today i bring you another terror edit. Tomorrow? The same

The "jump scare" warnings in the show notes were for alex and jonny's voices and the tma theme tune playing in the Magnus Institute statement

my deadpool and wolverine review: you could have replaced 90% of the fight scenes with gay sex and nothing of the plot or tone would have changed, the only thing stopping them is marvel's cowardice