I Actually Hate That I Can’t Learn Shit.

hidden messages in electronic boards

As a kid, I wasn't taught any concept that there's a difference between wanting to do something, and enjoying it. I was a largely unsupervised kid with undiagnosed ADHD and parents who expected their kids to just raise themselves on their own. So when I was capable of spending hours drawing or reading a fun book, but couldn't even remember that I had homework, ever, I was told that I simply didn't want to do well in school. And who was I to question that, I'm eight years old.

Enjoyment and passion were the only forms of motivation I knew, and if I couldn't make myself either love doing boring math homework as much as I loved my hobbies, or force myself to push through things I hated with sheer willpower alone because I want to succeed so bad, then clearly I was simply not as good as all the other kids, who could do that. And that attitude carried onto adulthood. Every time I struggled to muster genuine love and passion into something, I thought that I just don't want it badly enough. Not to enough to love it, or to suffer through it.

Being medicated for the first time was a game changer. Like holy shit, so this is your brain on dopamine. And suddenly I wanted to do things, turned my life around, took up the passion career I had never dared to try. And when the first "honeymoon phase" of the meds wore down, the same fear came back - I don't like this anymore, do I not want it bad enough? What else could I possibly want?

And I shit you not I was literally 30 years old when I understood that life isn't just either loving every minute of pursuing a passion that you love, or joylessly dragging yourself through things that you don't even want to do. I can just tell myself "just because I don't like doing this doesn't mean I don't want to be doing it." It's not a mark of failure, weakness or lack of motivation, if sometimes the career you want to be doing just feels like having a job.

prettybadco

the villagers: OH MY GOD GET OUT OF HERE ITS A DRAGON ATTACK HES BURNING DOWN THE WHOLE VILLAGE

me noticing the "dragon" actually only has 2 hind legs instead of 4 legs: thats actually a w-

*flames engulf me completely*

i’m losing my mind

I said this months ago but I'll say it again: if you're transgender you HAVE TO LIVE

40% OFF SALE 🏷

Sucker for Blood Suckers, Gothic goober cats, anti-social Frankenstein ladies -all available at 40% off on my Society6 page until November 10th. Take a Goth goober home!

We got a grand total of five trick or treaters and I missed them all because I was stuck in meetings 😔

All after I stayed up late last night turning the house into a giant monster.

So if you see this I am mentally handing you a goodie bag. Happy Halloween! 🎃

Meirl

Art by  AbigailLarson